Nin Tech
by Irritus185
Summary: Long ago the world was full of amazing technology, things ninja could only dream of. For centuries this ancient art was lost. That is until a nosy blonde found it in a dusty tome. Now he follows in their footsteps – those of a mad scientist.
1. Say Hello to Naruto, Mad Scientist

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. But I will one day…They'll see…They'll _all_ see! Nothing can stop me! _Nothing!_ BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!

**Nin Tech****  
Chapter 1: Say Hello to Naruto, Mad Scientist  
By Irritus185**

It was a normal day in the city of Konohagakure, the sun shining down as it traveled its celestial path. People walked the streets, performing whatever various chores they had or needed to do.

Birds chirped, the leaves rustled, and a young, blonde child was running for his continued safety from a group of very angry and very sooty civilians.

Sadly enough this actually _was_ a common occurrence, including the obscenities, slurs, and death threats that were being thrown at the young boy as he ran as fast as his short five year-old legs could carry him.

"Come back here, you demon!"

"We'll get you for all the trouble you've caused!"

"Ya have ta catch me first, ya slimy bastards!"

If there was anything that Naruto had learned from his constant run-ins with the citizens of Konoha, it was a broad and deep grasp of the more…colorful parts of language.

He also learned that if he didn't pick up his speed, the people behind him were going to catch up with him rather quickly. And that would lead to another something he had learned early in life – pain.

He had come to the quick conclusion that he did not like pain.

However, for the first time since he could remember, this was a time that Naruto was actually being chased and cursed out for something that he knew for a fact he did. To be honest, despite the fear percolating through his brain and the adrenaline deadening the soreness in his leg muscles, he was actually enjoying the feeling of being blamed for something he did.

Before, people would just ignore him, ostracize him or, if they paid any attention at all, lob verbal and physical abuse in his general direction. But now…now…

They were recognizing him for something he had done!

It was just too bad that what he had done was cause a localized area of drunken hysteria.

The event had been the release of built-up tension accumulated over his, admittedly short, life. Naruto was tired of being picked on, tired of having others dumping their frustrations upon him, tired of being turned into the whipping boy for any who decided that he was at fault for any misfortune brought into their lives.

What had sped up the process was that today had been a particularly _bad_ day for the young lad.

First he had woken up to discover that whatever instant ramen he had left had gone bad. The growls and gelatinous appendages that emerged from the containers gave proof to that. Luckily all it had taken was a good few stomps, but that lowered the chances of them being edible from 'perhaps maybe' to none at al all.

Next, when he had left his apartment building – _his_ apartment building (Jii-san had given him a _whole_ building! Was that cool or what?) – he had been splashed with a mixture of water and mud by a trio of large dogs bounding down the street after a cat, a slightly older girl with strange markings on her face chasing frantically after them.

Those clothes had been relatively clean too!

Then Ichiraku's had been closed for the day. Apparently Teuchi, the shop owner, was having trouble filling an order for the rotund Akamichi clan. So he wasn't even able to get breakfast from there. Naruto's stomach had not been happy about that. It scared a little girl with lavender, doe-like eyes away as it roared for sustenance.

Then when he had walking to a local market to perhaps buy some cheap grub, he had tripped over what seemed to be a large anthill before tumbling down the hill and then smack-dab into a wall when the road spilt. To make matters worse, those ants had _attacked_ him! He _still_ had the bite marks, even though he had the tendency to heal fairly rapidly.

_Then_ when he finally _had_ reached the convenience store, he discovered that their instant ramen supply was currently non-existent as there had been some complications during the stocking and all of it was destroyed beyond repair.

Naruto didn't know what a "monotone-dichromatic-pocky-addict" was, but he did know that it had to be bad if the creature had wiped out all pocky reserves by itself and ramen just happened to be unfortunate collateral damage.

So now, there he was – hungry, cranky, ramen deprived, itchy, noodle denied, and quite honestly pissed. Oh, did we managed he _really_ wanted his ramen now?

So when he came upon a bar, he absently noted that there were already people in it, even though it could have barely been past noon at that point. His interest was piqued further when he recognized some of them as the jerks who had decided at one, interval of time when they were wasted, to lay a few goose eggs on his skull.

Now normally Naruto tried to stay clear of these kinds of people. They obviously had no problem with attempting to harm him, even with all the warnings that those cool ANBU guys gave every time they tried something. But something had changed – something pivotal.

Naruto was angry and decided that some revenge was in order.

You step on the fox's tail, and you end up the one cursed.

Naruto may not have known this, but he was actually quite the large fox.

And his tail had been stepped on plenty of times.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened next.

It _did_ take a smoke bomb Naruto had filched off the last ANBU who had saved his hide to create the disturbance.

Ninja tools were very much awesome.

Which now brings us back to the present of Naruto running from the mob of civilians - the drunk, hacking, _smoking_ mob of civilians

A smile formed behind the animal mask of the ANBU watching the whole debacle from rooftops. Really, the Kyuubi kid really could cause some chaos when he wanted to, but at least this time it was against people that were well-deserved of it.

Surprisingly Naruto was actually keeping a fair distance between him and the group. Even though he was obviously less physically fit than the adults in pursuit, their shaky equilibrium and lingering irritation from the smoke bomb was putting them all on equal footing. The ANBU would only interfere if he felt like the situation required it, and he truly felt like the kid was holding his own.

When the front of the crowd careened into a stand after sliding on the marbles the boy had stealthily left on the street, causing a huge chain reaction that left the entire crowd cursing and moaning in aggravation, the dog-masked individual decided that, yes indeed, the boy would do alright.

But, oh dear, those men up ahead did not look kind at all…

Naruto let out a giddy laugh as he watched his pursuers end up in a dozen person pile-up. Oh man, that was _great!_ He had never had so much fun in his life! If this was what it was like to screw around with others, he could do this for a _long _time!

Not looking where he was going, Naruto let out a pained gasp of air as he rammed into something very big and very solid. He crashed backwards onto his butt, wincing at the fall. It wasn't even a second later that someone grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and yanked him up and off his feet.

"Hey, punk." The voice belonged to a vicious looking man, a scar running down his eye. He was accompanied by a couple other men, each one looking just as dangerous as the first. "What do you think you're doing, running into me? Now look, you ruined my clothes!"

Naruto gulped. "I-I-I don't-"

"Don't think aniki's gonna let you off so easily!" One of the other men exclaimed. "Yer gonna haveta pay him back for damaging his outfit!"

"B…but I don't…"

"That's right, ya little brat. You're going to pay me back for my ruined clothes. I think five hundred thousand ryou sounds fair, don't you think?"

"Five hundred thousand?!" Naruto squawked. "I don't have that kind of money!"

"Oh? Too bad. Guess I'll just have to get it some other way, huh?" The man sneered, the tip of his tongue poking from the corner of his mouth. His reached into his pocket, pulling out a kunai. Carefully, almost lovingly, he drew it across Naruto's face, tracing the whisker-like marks. "How about I give you a couple more tattoos like these?"

"Hey, ani." The last hoodlum said suddenly.

"What is it?"

"I recognize that kid. Yeah, yeah! It's the demon brat! Ya know, the one who…"

"Oh…you're right! How convenient! Say, you think they'd give a bounty for his head?"

"Nah, probably wouldn't give much."

"That's only if we go through the legal channels, idiot. But I'm sure there are some people who'd be willing to part with some of their hard earned cash if they knew we were the ones to get rid of the fox brat."

Naruto, hearing their rather gruesome conversation, did the one thing he could do – he started to thrash. "Let me go, ya assholes! Let me go!"

"Oh, we wouldn't do that. You're our meal ticket. Why would we-gurk!"

"Aniki!"

"Ani!"

The head hoodlum glared at Naruto in unadulterated fury and agony, the boy's foot lodged squarely between his legs.

Naruto stared back with just as much ferocity. "I told ya to let me go!"

It is said to never underestimate a cornered fox. It is heavily implied to never underestimate a cornered fox with the proper access, at the proper level, and possessing the proper limbs to heave your family goods back to where they originated from.

Obviously the man had never heard of either of these sayings. Pity, as they're pretty important ones to follow, especially when your village's history revolves around such an animal.

The man coughed, his voice elevating into a soprano. "Kill the little son-of-a-bitch! Rend him from ear to ear!"

Naruto took a step back as the remaining two pulled out kunais of their own. Well, crap, he couldn't exactly run away from this. It was by pure luck and a couple of ingenious maneuvers that he had gotten away from the last crowd. But these guys were fresh, pissed, and, most importantly, not viewing the world through a monochrome kaleidoscope.

Oh yeah, he was more or less screwed.

"Yare, yare, this looks like a problem, doesn't it?"

The men paled as a black-clothed ANBU instantly appeared between them and Naruto. His dog mask reflected the sunlight, creating a visage that was both cute yet insanely creepy at the same time.

"Why don't you young men run along now? I'm sure you can make better uses of your time other than bullying Naruto-kun here."

The leader hissed as he got up on one knee. He knew about ANBU. It was impossible _not_ to know about the black-ops teams that helped to run Konoha and supported the Sandaime Hokage from behind closed curtains. However, he couldn't just let the brat to get away unpunished. His manhood demanded it.

Actually his manhood demanded he'd see a doctor immediately. One of them felt like it was about to pop.

"Don't be afraid of this guy! Look at him! He's smaller than us!"

Indeed, the dog ANBU looked like he was barely pass his teens, nearly a foot shorter than them even with that unruly mop of silver hair. Emboldened by their boss's words, the two leapt forward, brandishing their kunai with reckless abandon and with no form or style at all.

"Yare, yare." The ANBU put a hand to the back of his head as he shook it. "Why is it that idiots never take the advice of others?"

"Looks like you're the idiot here!" With that, the two stabbed forward, catching the elite nin in the torso. Their glee was quickly cut short when his body poofed into a log. "Huh?"

"You two can take a nap now." The ANBU slashed his hands backwards, cracking them both of the back of their necks. With nary a sound, the two collapsed into sweet unconsciousness. The shinobi turned to the ringleader. "And as for you…" He forebodingly cracked his knuckled and advanced on the man.

Thus followed one of the most delightful ass-kickings Naruto had ever been privileged to watch and _not_ be part of. When the ANBU was finished making a human-version pretzel, he clapped his hands together and walked back over to Naruto.

The boy grinned. "Thanks, Inu-nii-san!"

The man held back a chuckle at the endearment. "No problem, Naruto-kun." He ruffled the boy's hair. "Oh, but before I forget, the Hokage wanted to talk to you."

"Sarutobi-jii-san? About what?"

"He didn't say."

"Oh…well…" Naruto's eyes narrowed as suspiciousness filtered through his mind. On one hand, the ANBU had saved him, just like the man's comrades had saved him many times before. However, he was still one of Konoha's ninja, and they tended to treat him worse than the normal citizens did. Still…he eyed the man up and down. He _was_ short enough. Naruto was pretty sure he could reach with his foot…He nodded. "Okay then!"

"Right." The ANBU hoisted Naruto up onto his shoulders, capriciously smiling at the yelp of surprise the young boy gave, before creating a quick hand seal than shunshinned him into the Hokage's tower.

Naruto's eyes widened as he boggled at the distance they had just crossed. That was _awesome!_ Ninjas could do those sorts of things? If he had the ability to travel like that whenever he wanted, he'd never have to worry about people chasing him again. He could just 'swoosh' his way out of there and leave all of them in his dust! Naruto turned to tell the ANBU just how cool that was, but was surprised to see that he was already gone. He shrugged. Well, maybe he'd see Inu-nii-san again.

Fate was funny that way with him.

NTNTNTNTNT

Up in the celestial realm, Fate slapped a hand on his knee as he fell into tumultuous laughter. Oh, he was going to have so much fun with that boy. Now if he could only get Lady Luck to relinquish even the slightest hold she had on Naruto.

The woman was so possessive when it came to him.

NTNTNTNTNT

Naruto literally kicked in the double doors to the Hokage's office, loudly announcing his arrival. "Sarutobi-jii-san! You wanted ta see me?"

The god of shinobi looked up from the paperwork, a pleasant smile etched onto his face. It was always such a pleasure to talk with Naruto. The boy was constantly in a state of hyper joy and glee, at least when the reality of his life didn't weigh on his shoulders. Now if he could only keep his decibels below the level of a shuriken on sheet metal, he would be even nicer to be around.

"Hello, Naruto. How have you been?"

Naruto plopped into the chair in front of Sarutobi's desk, his frame comically tinier than the furniture. "I'm great! I just played this awesome prank on some bastards who used to beat me up. It was hilarious!"

Sarutobi filed that fact away for future references. He really had to do something about the people who consistently ignored his laws dealing with Naruto. Perhaps he could convince Ibiki to hold a few private demonstrations on the ability to keep one's mouth shut? Maybe that Mitarashi girl could help as well? She was inordinately good at getting people to follow her sugar-and-blood coated suggestions.

Or she could just burst their minds with sex appeal. Either way worked for him.

"Really? That's not very nice."

"But jii-san!" Naruto whined. "They deserved it!"

"Maybe they did, but that doesn't give you the right to enact vengeance on them."

"Hmmph. Still think it was a good thing to do."

"Now, Naruto, you have to promise me that you won't do something like that again."

The blonde was quiet, refusing to meet Sarutobi's eyes. He had his cheeks puffed out, his arms crossed in what was quite the adorable pout.

"Naruto…"

"Fine."

"So do you promise?"

"I promise I'll think about it."

The Hokage sighed. Well, he supposed that was the best he could do. Knowing Naruto, and more specifically the boy's parents, the stubborn streak he showed would not decrease by any means. He would just have to take the boy's words and hope for the best.

After all, how much trouble could one boy cause?

NTNTNTNTNT

Lady Luck passed off the bottle of vodka to Fate as she watched the timeline. She was already good and plastered by this point. Really, why did people always underestimate the flux of chaos? It only served to bite them in the ass later. Hmm…She glanced at Fate who was already succumbing to the treachery of alcohol.

A bite in the ass…Sounded like fun…

NTNTNTNTNT

"So why did ya wanna see me?" Naruto idly fidgeted in his seat. He found it so stuffy in the Hokage's room. Papers and scrolls and paintings and other things; why couldn't Sarutobi have cooler things like ramen…or ramen…

Or maybe some ramen?

Ignoring the drool collecting at the corner of Naruto's lips, Sarutobi mildly shook his head. "No real reason. I just thought I'd catch up with you. I haven't seen or talked to you for a month or so since I've been busy with my duties." He folded his hands together and leaned forward, his triangular kage hat dipping down. "So how are things?"

"They're fine. I'm doing well in my apartment. It's a bit lonely being the only one living there, but it's also cool since I can do whatever I want and no one will yell at me either."

"That's all well and fine, Naruto," the older man chided. "But you have to take care of that building. It's yours, and you have to learn to treat what belongs to you with dignity and respect. Do you understand?"

"I get it, ji-ji." Naruto decided not to tell Sarutobi about the several holes he had punched through the walls when he was chasing earlier versions of his mutated ramen cups. He was sure those wooden beams weren't all that important, right?

"What else?"

Naruto continued to explain how his life had been going. He deliberately left out just how badly he was treated by Konoha's citizens at times. He would only worry Sarutobi because of it. Besides, he promised the kage that he would think about what he had done and his pranks. And if Naruto was anyone, he was a person who kept his promises.

He thought about it.

And he decided to screw them.

Unconsciously, his smile took on several foxy qualities as Naruto continued to babble about his daily schedule.

Teuchi-jii-san and Ayame-nee-chan were fantastic. They gave him ramen on tab. On tab! He could actually pay them later for ramen today! To Naruto, that immediately elevated their status to people he would take an explosive note for. Oh, and the fact that they treated him like a human being and not just some kind of trashy nuisance helped too.

Ayame still couldn't help but glomp the boy every time he showed up, cooing about how adorable his whisker marks and fur-like hair was. Naruto was her personal snuggle-toy. Wisely, he decided that it wasn't that bad of a role.

Sarutobi couldn't help but smile at the animated way that Naruto spoke. He knew that the boy had had a difficult life. The townsfolk misguidedly blamed him for something beyond his control, the council believed him to be the demon that was imprisoned inside of him, and he was living on his own when no child actually should. Naruto was strong, but at the same time weak. Sarutobi was just glad that the boy wasn't allowing his weaknesses to overcome him.

Their reunion was interrupted when the office doors suddenly swung open, a tall man with sharp eyes entering the room. "Hokage-sama, there is something urgent I must discuss with you."

Sarutobi blinked. Really, he couldn't believe the arrogance of the man. Then he rid himself of that notion. Of _course_ he could. The Uchihas were all a bunch of pompous windbags; the only people with a stick further up their collective asses was the Hyuuga clan. And being the head of the clan, Fugaku was the biggest jackass of them all.

Really, strong bloodlines weren't a substitution for common courtesy.

"What is it, Fugaku-san?"

"It's something I must discuss with you privately." He threw a glance at Naruto, his eyes narrowing perceptively and his nose twitching as though he had looked upon some rotten carcass. "You should probably rid the room of those not needed."

Naruto instinctively put the man at the top of his shit-list.

"I'm sure whatever you have to say could be explained in the company of others. You did barge in on _our_ meeting, after all."

Sarutobi relished the flash of irritation that appeared and disappeared on the Uchiha patriarch's face. Ha! It looked like the man was constipated! Which probably wasn't far from the truth as the Uchihas thought it "noble" to have as much emotional range as a mentally scarred boulder.

Back-up and all that.

Fugaku had the good grace _not_ to follow his initial prerogative and try to threaten the leader. This was much too important to try and ruin otherwise. The very fate of the Uchiha clan depended on it. "It has to do with my eldest son…"

"Oh, what about Itachi?"

"It would appear that his…luxuries have gotten the best of him again."

"You mean that…?"

"I'm afraid so."

Sarutobi sighed and rubbed his temples in a circular fashion. He could already feel the oncoming migraine. He needed to up the dosage on his painkillers. They just weren't getting the job done recently. "Who was it this time?"

"It was a store that belonged to the Akamichi clan, sir."

The Hokage froze. Oh…crap. That was a problem. He quickly looked at Naruto. "I'm sorry, Naruto, but we have to cut our talk short. This is something that requires my full attention."

Naruto shrugged. "No problem, jii-san. I'll see ya later, okay?"

"Yes, well…" Sarutobi's words died in his mouth when he noticed the glass of water on his desk. Ripples were beginning to bud their way out from the center. Oh dear, that close this fast? "Well, then, I'll see you again, Naruto. Take care!"

"See ya!"

Naruto leaped out of the chair. Before he exited the room, he turned to Fugaku's back. Feeling incensed by the man's behavior, he pulled an eyelid down and flipped him the bird. He didn't know what the gesture meant, but figured that it was an appropriate one. It took Sarutobi all he could not to react to the scene. When Naruto did finally leave, he was almost shoved to the side as a very large and round man barged his way into the office. He could hear shouting when the doors closed.

"Hokage-sama…! You!"

"Now, Chouza, I'm sure we can discuss this rationally…"

"Rationally, that asshole's spawn completely wrecked my store!"

"As if your relatives needed any more reason to eat."

"The Akamichi clan is not fat, we're pleasantly plump!"

"Plumped ass is more like it…"

"Why you…!"

Several flashes of black dashed through the door, including the receptionist who decided it would be much more entertaining to watch the inevitable scuffle than listen from outside. Naruto cocked his head. Adults were so weird…He just didn't-

A thought struck him. If most of the ANBU were busy trying to calm down the infraction between the two clan heads, that meant he was free to go look around. He could go exploring! He rarely had the chance to do that, as he was always escorted out of the tower whenever he was done.

It's a sad fact, but his childish logic was true. People were more worried about what destruction could be wrought between the fight of two clan heads than what could be caused by a small child with a mind like a malleable steel trap and several astral tons of chakra lodged in his coils.

Yeah, that would cost them.

Naruto walked down the hallways, noting that the tower was just like any other building, and especially his – it was big, empty, and smelled of musty farts. He stopped when he came upon a large door. Peeking inside, he sneezed when dust invaded his nostrils. Eyes widening, he stepped inside.

Whoa…There were so many scrolls around! There – on the table, under the table, shoved in the scrollcases, rolling on the floor; they were everywhere! This must have been Sarutobi's private library. This was where all those cool jutsu that the old man knew was kept. Being at such a young age, Naruto didn't know much about ninjas or their various techniques, but to his underdeveloped psyche, only one thing stood tall – ninjas were cool, and thus their techniques were cool as well.

Naruto grabbed the nearest scroll to him and opened it up, his wandering eyes roving all over. It was awesome, it was great, it was amazing, it was…

Unreadable. Oh, wait, that's right. He couldn't read just yet. He was only five. He hadn't even entered school.

Sighing, Naruto threw the scroll away. That killed the suspense and intrigue for him. No matter how powerful any of the jutsu may be, they wouldn't do a lick of good if he couldn't understand them. Sighing again, he decided to just leave. Maybe he could find a store that actually had some ramen in it.

As he turned, his foot caught on a wayward scroll, causing Naruto to pitch forward and crash into the end of one of the scrollcases. Scrolls and dust were scattered everywhere, creating a sneezing and coughing fit the likes of which he had never had before. When it finally cleared, he sniffed, groping at the floor to try and pull himself up.

His hand came upon something stiff and leathery.

Blinking, Naruto looked closer. There was something lodged behind the case. He gave an experimental yank and fell back, the object clutched in his tiny hands.

It was a book. Not a scroll, but a book. It was huge, a monolith of literature, about a foot long and four inches thick with a hard, leather-bound cover. It also weighed a ton! He was surprised he was able to grab it in the first place! On the cover was a picture of what looked to be a spark of lightning, surrounded by letters he obviously could not decipher.

Opening the book up, he skimmed the pages, his eyes widening with each sheet flipped. This was…this was…This book had pictures! And really neat looking pictures at that! He had no idea what any of the strange contraptions were, but they seemed like they would be really fun to play with if he ever found them.

Something clicked in the back of his mind. Sarutobi-jii-san wouldn't mind if he borrowed this, right? He had so many scrolls, and this book was forgotten behind the shelves. No one would care if he took it.

Nodding at this train of thought, Naruto shoved the book into his pants, covering it up with his shirt. No point in not taking precautions, right?

Precautions for what? Theft?

Naruto ran out of the library and out of the tower, heading for home. He had some reading to do!

NTNTNTNTNT

Fate snored drunkenly as he rested against Lady Luck's breasts. The Lady didn't even care as she was rather inebriated as well. And why shouldn't they be? They had just changed history! They deserved the break.

Oh, wait, you mean they weren't _supposed_ to do that?

Eh, oh well.

NTNTNTNTNT

Another day came. The sun shined through the windows of the apartment room, landing on a tanned face. The recipient of the day's blessing grumbled in agitation, cuddling further into the cool, hard metal against his cheek.

"Don't wanna get up just yet…"

A high, tinny voice broke him from his ephemeral slumber. **"Boss, ya gotta wake up. It's morning."**

"Go 'way." He absently swatted a lightly tanned hand at whoever was bothering him

"**Boss!"** No answer. **"Okay then, boys. Boss doesn't wanna get up. Initiate 'Wake-Lazy-Ass-Up' protocol."**

"_**BOSS! GET UP!"**_

With the sound of a million sirens suddenly cutting through the morning air, Naruto awoke abruptly, holding his hands to his ears in a futile attempt to blot out the noise. When it slowly cut off, he turned his head to the cause of the cacophony.

There stood a miniature version of himself. Barely a foot tall, the robotic Naruto looked at him with neon blue eyes, the letter 'A' soldered onto its chest and a wire trailing from its backside. The loudspeaker sunk back into its chest, the compartment around it closing as it did. It opened its rounded mouth, looking like a cheap ventriloquist doll.

"**Good morning, boss."**

"Morning, A." Naruto yawned. He glanced at the turbine engine he was holding onto, his right hand dug deep inside if it with a screwdriver stuck in his fingers. He retrieved his hand, cracking the joints to gain back feeling. "What time did I fall asleep last night?"

"**It was this morning, boss. You've only had a few hours sleep."**

"Oh, really?" He yawned again, adjusting the goggles so that they were perched on his forehead instead of in front of his eyes. He had been slaving over the new engine for the main breaker. If he could only figure out the input-to-output ratio, he could make the Naru-kuns' efficiency rise ten-fold! "Status report?"

Another Naru-kun waddled over, this one with a 'K' on its chest. **"All Naru-kuns are in satisfactory condition, boss. The house's security measures have not been breached, and all experiments are stable. There was a slight increase in energy usage at 500 hours for a few minutes, but it's nothing that exceeded the safety limits."**

"Anything else?" He grabbed the turbine and turned it over, looking for that last bolt he had been working on.

"**Experiment G-11 escaped its holding cell earlier."**

He raised an eyebrow. "And?"

"**It ate Naru-kuns I through J until we were able to detain it and dig them out. They were not exceedingly damaged."**

"Just give her some ramen. That usually calms the sweetie down. I'll go down there later and have a talk. If she wanted to get some fresh air and exercise she could have just told me."

"**You have been ignoring it and its friends lately, boss."**

Naruto shrugged. Deciding that he had done enough with the turbine, he set it carefully down and stretched his arms. Grinning at the pops that accompanied his joints moving out of place, he settled down and tightened his hand into a fist. He took a deep breath. Ah, he loved the scent of toasted iron and oil in the morning. It was such a great thing to wake to!

"Today feels like a good day…FOR SCIENCE!"

He was echoed by several other Naru-kuns who began to pop up here and there after his declaration, their higher-pitched versions of his voice in agreement.

"**For science!"**

"**For science!"**

"**For sci-!"**

Naru-kun A's statement was cut off as its head exploded.

Naruto blinked again as oil and hydraulic fluids slid down his face and shirt, soot floating around the air. A's distinct lack of a head bled out fluids as sparks ignited at random. The other Naru-kuns watched as Naruto formed a crooked smile at the spectacle.

"Er…I can fix that."

"**We know, boss!"**

NTNTNTNTNT

Iruka groaned as he scanned the room full of genin-hopefuls. They were there to pass the exam and become full-fledged ninja. He could taste the anticipation each of them exuded with an anxious aura. After all, the final exam was tomorrow, and it determined whether or not they would make it to the next step of their "education." Such young children, and they were to become licensed killers at the age of twelve.

But that wasn't what was bothering Iruka. It was the person who _wasn't_ there that was the cause of the large lump forming in his chest.

Naruto Uzumaki, the jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi no Kitsune.

Iruka knew that Naruto wasn't a bad kid, per se. He was actually quite the nice boy. He wasn't at all like the demon that had nearly destroyed their village years ago. He knew pain, knew suffering…even if most of his self-inflicted suffering was a dearth of ramen.

The boy was the class clown, screw-up, and overall dead last. But it was his status as the trickster of Konoha that brought the most annoyance to the chunin teacher.

Painting the Hyuuga estate neon orange? TP-ing the entire financial section? Letting loose all of the Inuzuka's ninken on a wild and destructive chase through Konoha after a cat? A fake cat at that?

What the hell would the boy do next?

"Yaha! See if you can catch me, ya jerks!"

Something orange flew through the open window to the classroom, followed by two black objects. The orange blur melted into a young blonde in orange clothes, cruising on a board that effortlessly floated above the ground. The blonde's eyes widened in shock as the board refused to slow down, and he crashed into the opposite wall with a loud 'bang.'

Naruto picked himself up from the ground. "Damn, I _really_ need to work on a way to put brakes on this thing." His frown turned into a grin as he turned to the people who had been chasing him. "Thanks for the escort, ANBU-sans! I think I can look after myself now!"

Iruka groaned louder this time, slapping his face with an open palm. His partner, Mizuki, gave a sympathetic smile. "What did he do this time?"

One of the ANBU, a female by her voice, turned to him. "He defaced the Hokage monument by painting it. We were in pursuit when he came crashing into here." Her tone had an hint of almost affection to it. It was clear to a select few that she found the idea humorous in a way.

"Naruto!"

"What? It needed a fixer-upper! It was so dull! I made it _better!_"

Iruka sighed and signaled at the ANBU. "Thank you very much. I assure you that I will find a suitable punishment for him now that he's on school property."

The ANBU nodded and disappeared back out the window. Iruka turned on the boy, his face twisted into flushed anger. "What the hell were you thinking?! Tomorrow is the graduation exam and you're wasting time doing pointless pranks?! You've failed the exam twice already. You really want to repeat a _third_ time?"

"Peh!" Naruto puffed out his cheeks and looked to the side.

His aggravation growing, Iruka pointed at the board Naruto had pinned to his side. "And what did I tell you about making those odd inventions? You should be spending your free time studying more, not creating more stupid and useless trinkets!"

"Hey, my Ukabeita is _not_ stupid! It's a perfect amalgamation of fuuinjutsu, metallurgy, and water and wind jutsu. It's awesome and _not_ a waste of time! You'll see! You'll see my genius!"

"What kind of genius can we see from a dead-last?"

Naruto turned around at the voice and the laughing that soon followed. He couldn't pinpoint the exact person due to the roaring laughter and mocking expressions all the other students gave, but he could guess.

That self-serving smirk, those folded fingers, that retarded duck-ass haircut. _Sasuke…_Another "genius," another person granted wealth and revere. Naruto couldn't begrudge the younger boy that. The boy really _was_ a genius, in every aspect of the word. But Naruto would show him, he would show him what _true_ genius was!

They'd see, they'd all see!

Bwahahahahahahahaha…!

Iruka watched as a maniacal light appeared in Naruto's eyes, his shoulders shaking from suppressed laughter. The boy really was such an oddity. He didn't act like a ninja, and he certainly didn't dress like one. Unlike most of the students, who were dressed in clothing that were at least somewhat suitable, Naruto was anything but.

For some reason, he adored the color orange. What kind of ninja wore orange?

What kind of ninja also wore purple, red, white, or any other not-so-natural color for that matter, but we'll ignore that for the sake of continuing the story.

Naruto was decked in an outfit that was nearly completely orange. His thick overalls and shirt were the color, his leather finger-less gloves and heavy-duty boots barely different due to their slightly browner shade. The worst of all had to be the long orange jacket he wore over everything. It draped over Naruto's shoulders, reaching down to just above his knees. It was outlined with black and had a large, swirling symbol on the back. The only thing Iruka could think of that didn't destroy the ninja image completely was the conglomeration of oil and soot stains that suffused nearly every inch of his clothes. With the dirty touch, the orange was lowered in conspicuousness from outright, "Here I am! Look!" to just above, "Errr, hi?"

Then there was the boy's fixation on machines. It wasn't just a hobby, it was an obsession. Every time he saw the boy out of class and, to his frustration, _in_ class, Naruto was tinkering with something. And they weren't even ninja tools! Besides, he didn't believe Naruto even knew half the jargon that came spewing out of his mouth.

What kind of kid who was barely past puberty understood high-level sealing methods?

Iruka frowned. He liked the boy, but too much of anything was no good. Naruto had to learn how to focus.

"Time for a henge test!" The dejected moans and yells did not deter the chunin. "Everyone line up! You must transform into a perfect copy of me!"

As the students lined up, Naruto considered his choices. He was horrible at the academy ninjutsu but he could put to practical use the new jutsu he had created. Being a man of science, he was always looking for new data to apply to his experiments. This was as good a time as any. When his turn came, he made a hand sign, molding chakra into his technique.

What came of the jutsu was decidedly _not_ a mirror image of Iruka. Long, flowing blonde hair, cut into ponytails, trailed down a sensuous body. Luscious curves fell over blemish-free skin. An impressive bust and a sexy backside complimented each other as they perked up for all to see. The only thing obscuring the view of the sexbomb of a blonde's nether regions were tastefully positioned clouds of chakra.

Naruko, the result of the dangerous Oiroke no Jutsu, blew a flirty kiss as she bent over at the waist, giving an impressive shot of her wickedly sinful form.

The room was silent.

Then it erupted with between shouts of unrepressed lust and torrents of blood shooting everywhere.

Naruto reverted back to his original form, glad that his goggles had prevented any blood from getting in his eyes. Really, the ingenuity of appealing the base functions of the human being was more efficient than he'd ever thought.

Naruto blinked at the sea of blood surrounding the unconscious bodies of various male academy students, two chunins, and a gobsmacked legion of girls.

He removed the goggles from his face, wiping an arm across them to clear them of blood. "I'd call that experiment a success."

Now if he could only just outrun that advancing throng of pissed-off fangirls for doing what he did to their Sasuke-kun, he'd be just fine.

He wasn't able to escape from gangs of highly trained ninjas for nothing.

Too bad they had nothing on an irate fangirl.

NTNTNTNTNT

Naruto watched as, one by one, the students left to take their final exam. Yesterday had passed by quickly, and it was already time for him to yet again attempt to gain his hitai-ate. Iruka had taken him to Ichiraku's after he had regained consciousness, giving him a small pep talk about the upcoming test. Of course, this was _after_ he made Naruto clean up the Hokage monument. It wasn't really that hard.

He had made the paint extremely soluble for a reason.

Still, he was a bit worried about the test. Bunshin was his worst jutsu, even more so than henge and kawarimi. He just couldn't seem to form the needed chakra shape. But he did have other ways of getting around such deficiencies. Idly his fingers outlined a ball in his coat pocket. After failing so many times, he had found a way of emulating the bunshin.

Yes! He was sure to pass! And thus he was one step closer to his dream! He would become Hokage, and then…

Hearing his name called, Naruto was broken from his thoughts. He exited the communal room and entered the private one where Mizuki and Iruka were examining the students. He saw them sitting at a table, a number of headbands all neatly aligned row by row. Subtly he took the orb and dropped it down his pant leg. All it would need is a couple of words and then…

Iruka kept a frown on his face. As much as he wanted Naruto to pass, he couldn't play favorites while he was in his role as teacher. He cheered Naruto on as much as he could the day before. Now all he could hope was that Naruto would take the encouragement to heart.

"You may begin," he said in a neutral voice.

"Right!" Naruto crossed his fingers. "Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Something clicked, and the subtle whir of gears and servos came to life. The orb, hidden behind Naruto's boots, flared softly as runes crisscrossed their way across the surface, ending on a glass lens. The lens lit up, light flitting through and angling upward.

Three perfect images of Naruto flickered in existence, mirroring their original's stance. They were foggy and slightly translucent, but they were unmistakably copies of the sun-kissed blonde.

Iruka couldn't believe it. Naruto had managed to perform the jutsu!

Naruto grinned. He _knew_ it would work! Giving a two-fingered victory sign, the clones copied in suit. "How's _that_ for a bunshin?"

Iruka shook his head and smiled good-naturedly. "Congratulations, Naruto. You-"

A screech filled the room like nails on a chalkboard. Smoke drifted up from behind the boy. Then, in fit of scorned karma, there was an explosion, metal fragments shooting every which way. The clones shook and then flopped out, vanishing from sight.

Iruka looked on confusion, seeing how Naruto's expression became more sheepish with each silent moment. Then his face began to twist as he was riled up. "Naruto…!"

Naruto had already bent over, collecting the scraps that were once his beautiful machine. He was muttering something about the volt capacitor when he turned his face up to meet Iruka's. His expression was a mix of annoyance, fear, and resignation. "_What?_ You never said what _kind_ of bunshin I had to make, just that I had to _make_ one."

"Then what the hell was _that?_"

"A virtual image supplanted on the air via bent light beams through an isonomic prism after refraction off a concave mirror." He blinked at the stupefied looks on the others' faces. "What? It's all basic physics and chemistry."

"Naruto…" Iruka sighed. He didn't really want to do this, but… "You fail!"

Naruto's shoulders sagged at the declaration. It was like putting the final nail on his coffin. Even with all his glorious inventions, if he had to wait another year to become a ninja, it would put a serious damper on his plans.

"Iruka…" Mizuki gave a cautious smile to his partner. He waved at Naruto. "Even if it wasn't technically a bunshin, he still managed to make clones, and _three_ at that! Also, it's his third time here. We could let him pass."

Naruto could feel a ray of hope but it was swallowed by the clouds before it even snuck through them. Iruka rigidly shook his head at the notion. "I can't do that. The entire point of the exam was to see if he had even the most basic of chakra control. It's all but impossible to become a great ninja if you don't have that one simple attribute. The ninja world is tough, and you can't enter it with such a crucial defect." He turned to Naruto with sad, rueful eyes. "I'm sorry, Naruto, but I can't pass you."

Naruto gave one simple, sorrowful frown and turned to leave. The jingling of metal could be heard in his pockets.

Iruka watched him go, that same apologetic expression stuck on his face.

Mizuki allowed a smirk to escape.

Perfect. All according to plan.

Wasn't one of the first things a ninja learned that plans never survied upon contact with the enemy?

Mizuki was about to take very painful remedial lesson

NTNTNTNTNT

Naruto looked around. He was deep inside one of Konoha's many forests, the spot where Mizuki-sensei had told him to go after acquiring the scroll. He never would have imagined that he was allowed a make-up exam. Why hadn't Iruka-sensei said so? He could have cut out all that baloney with the chakra control and just let him do it!

However, he knew Iruka was only doing what he thought was for Naruto's own good. The aspiring genin had heard his teacher's story from Mizuki. Iruka was just like him – the class clown, dying for any form of attention. It was like looking at an older version of himself. To be honest, Naruto didn't think that would be too bad.

But then again, this did seem like a deal that had to be kept secret.

Steal a scroll from the Hokage's personal library? He had to elude ANBU and patrolling jounin at every turn! It was a lot harder than he initially thought, but being Konoha's most tricky and chaotic individual wasn't just a bunch of hot air! The only slight hitch in his stealth was coming across Sarutobi.

But that obstacle was easily passed with an application of his new henge variation. He noted that the age range didn't just apply to males near the prime of their sex life but appeared to be just as strong many years later as well. The nosebleed into a coma was proof enough of that. It was accidental data, but data that he would enter into upcoming experiments.

Data was _always_ a good thing!

The fact that it had potential for any pranks he would go for later was just an agreeable side-effect.

Tumbling down on the ground, twigs and leaves crackling under his weight, Naruto broke the wax seal on the scroll and pulled it open. So he had to learn at least one of these jutsu before Mizuki arrived? Bah! Piece of cake for a genius! His eyes immediately narrowed at the first one that appeared.

Kage Bunshin no Jutsu.

"Well, crap."

An improvement upon the original, Kage Bunshin was obviously a much harder variation. But then, as Naruto began to read further into the semantics of the technique, his slightly closed eyes inverted and became wider instead. This…this was…!

"This is perfect!"

Rolling up his sleeves and snapping his goggles on, Naruto went to work.

Much, _much_ later, Naruto was on his back, heaving and greedily gulping in huge quantities of air. That had been tiring! He had already figured that it had taken a massive chunk of his chakra and he was surprised that he had had so much in stock. He very much doubted anyone his age was even close to what he had just exhausted.

Heck, he was pretty damn sure most _chunin_ didn't have what he had!

But still, the kage bunshin would be vital to increasing his workload. The limits that were put on him by his "single" body no longer existed! With the clones, his work efficiency and the quality of his inventions would make leaps and bounds. He couldn't wait until he put them to practice! And then his dream would be a fraction complete! All he needed was a little more!

His gleeful machinations were put on the backburner when Iruka landed next to him, his eyes and mouth twisted in an angry scowl. "Naruutooo! What in the world were you _thinking?!_"

"Hey, Iruka-sensei!" Naruto looked up at the upside-down figure of his teacher. "I was wondering if you'd find me first!"

"You idiot! Do you know what you're doing?"

"What do ya mean? I'm learning jutsu from this scroll! I mean, I've only learned one so far, but it's one hell of a doozy!"

Iruka pointed at the overly huge scroll lying by Naruto's side. "Do you have any idea what that scroll is? It's forbidden! It was sealed away for a reason! What possible excuse could you have for stealing such a valuable and dangerous item?"

Naruto pulled himself up into a sitting position, dragging the scroll across his lap. "Huh? What are you talking about? This is my make-up exam, isn't it? You know, the one that, if I pass, I can graduate?" His head was tilted, his face scrunched up in bewilderment.

Iruka paused. There was sincerity in Naruto's voice. He hadn't just taken the scroll on some flighty whim. He had taken it because he honestly believed if he did, he would be able to become a genin. But who would give him such a false idea? "Naruto? Who told you that?"

The boy stood up, clutching the scroll to his chest. "Mizuki-sensei did. He told me to get the scroll, come here, and learn at least one jutsu from it. Then he would pass me." His face faltered. "You mean that was just a joke?"

"Mizuki did…?" Iruka's ears twitched. "Naruto! Get down!"

He shoved the young boy to the side, the whistle of kunai becoming more pronounced as they slammed into his body. Naruto fell to the ground, his already worn clothes getting additional dirt ground into them. Iruka was pushed backwards into the small hut near the clearing, nearly pinned to the wall by the onslaught of pointed weaponry. Although he was pierced in multiple areas, his thick clothing and chunin jacket prevented any of them from being anywhere near fatal.

A low whistle echoed, but this one wasn't from a kunai. Mizuki landed on a branch above the clearing, strapped to the hilt with oversized shuriken and other throwing weapons. He grinned when he saw the scene. "Not bad, not bad. I aimed for the kid but got a bigger catch instead."

"Mizuki!" Iruka barked. He coughed as he pulled the kunai from his body, some blood slipping from his mouth. "What are you doing?!"

"Tch. But this fish seems to be too gangly for me to eat. Looks like bigger isn't always better.' Mizuki swung his head over to Naruto. "Naruto, give me the scroll. You passed the test." His tone was soft, much softer than it should have been after nearly killing a man who was just that morning his shinobi partner.

"Wh-what the hell is going on?! Iruka-sensei?!"

"Naruto! Whatever you do, don't hand the scroll over to him!"

"Wh…why…?"

"Like I said before, that scroll contains kinjutsu that are too powerful for any one ninja to handle. That's why it was sealed away and stored in the Hokage's vault. Mizuki must have wanted it for himself, so he used you to get it. He's a traitor, Naruto!"

"A traitor…?"

"I'm not a traitor, brat. I just wanted what I deserved. Do you know what kind of power is in that scroll? More power than you could possibly imagine! And it's all mine, as soon as I pry it from you cold fingers!"

"I won't let you put one stinking hand on him, Mizuki!" Iruka stumbled forward, his legs weakening from the blood loss. If he didn't get some first aid soon, there was a high possibility he was going to be in some serious trouble.

"You? You of all people would protect him, Iruka? Ha! That's a laugh!"

Naruto gulped, his mind whirring with activity. "What do you mean?"

"Don't you get it? He's hated you! He's always hated you! Just like everyone else, you're nothing but a polluted stain on our lives!"

Naruto's eyes grew wider at this exclamation. No, that couldn't be true, could it? Iruka couldn't have possible hated him all this time. He just couldn't! He had bought Naruto ramen! How could Iruka hate him!

Mizuki sneered at the confusion that was eating its way through Naruto's irises. Just a little bit more and it would be done. "You wanna know why?"

"Mizuki, stop!"

He ignored Iruka. "Thirteen years ago, the dreaded Kyuubi no Kitsune came to our village. No one knows why but it ruthlessly attacked us, turning any in its way into little more than dust and blood. The only way to stop it was to have the Yondaime Hokage sacrifice his life."

"I know that! It's one of our most important history lessons. But what does that have to do with me?" Steadily, slowly but surely, a dark thought began to creep its way into Naruto's brain.

"Mizuki, _no!_ What you're saying is _forbidden!_ **Mizuki!**"

"You don't think he really killed it, do you?" The air froze. All was still. "A being of that much power? You really think a human could actually permanently defeat it? No, of course not! So he sealed it away…in a little…baby…boy."

The world stopped turning. "Do you get it now?! Why the villagers hate you? Why so much animosity is directed at you with no clear reason? _You're_ the one the Hokage sealed the Kyuubi into! _You're_ the new incarnation of the Kyuubi no Kitsune! You killed everyone, including Iruka's parents! It's always been _you!_"

With that, he snapped off one of the oversized shuriken on his back and gave it a stiff whirl. Iruka watched. He watched as Miuki let go. He watched as the shuriken flew towards Naruto's prone form. He watched it inch closer.

And then he acted.

Shielding the boy with his body, he waited for the inevitable pain as the shuriken entered his back. It was the least he could do for Naruto. So much pain, so much misguided hatred. It wasn't his fault; it never was. Naruto was Naruto. He wasn't the Kyuubi.

He was just Naruto.

All he could do was protect the boy with his life.

The pain never came. Instead, a dull clang ran along his back. He opened his eyes to see that Naruto had reached his arms around him. The boy's eyes were hooded, preventing Iruka from seeing what emotions were running through them. He let go of the older and larger man and walked around him, towards Mizuki.

Mizuki couldn't believe what he had just seen. First he had gone for Naruto, but that moron Iruka had blocked his shuriken with his body. It didn't really make a difference. It was just one extra person to kill.

But then the shuriken refused to even hit him. Instead, the boy had reached around Iruka, hands positioned where the shuriken was aimed to hit. And then…the gloves grew.

Metal arched out like a blooming flower, forming a circle a foot wide that reflected the shuriken from its path and into the hut behind them. It was still extracted, perched on Naruto's left hand like a buckler.

Naruto refused to raise his head. He addressed Mizuki in a deadened voice. "Is that true? Am I really the Kyuubi?"

"No, Naruto!" Iruka interrupted. "You're not the Kyuubi! It's just inside of you! The prison is not defined by his prisoner!"

"Iruka-sensei?" A mystified tone entered his voice.

"I'm so sorry, Naruto," the chunin sobbed. "I must have caused you so much pain. I was just like everyone else…I did hate you. But now…now I see you're just like I was. You're lonely and sad and just want to find a place in the world. And I didn't help you find that place. I'm sorry. Maybe if I was a better teacher, or just a better person, it wouldn't have turned out like this."

Naruto was silent. Then his shoulders began to shake. Choked noises escaped from his throat.

"Naruto…?"

"I'm the Kyuubi but not the Kyuubi. I'm the Kyuubi but not the Kyuubi. I'm the Kyuubi but not the Kyuubi. I'm…" Naruto brought a fist to his mouth before he threw his head back, his lips curled into a wild grin. He bellowed out laughter, shocking the two teachers. "So _that's_ what this was all about? The Kyuubi?! I've got a monster, a demon, living inside of me?!"

"Naruto, it' not…"

"This is _awesome_!"

…what?

"I _told_ them that they'd see my genius. I _knew_ I was special but not _this_ damn special! This only makes things easier for me accomplishing my dream! You'll see, I'll become Hokage! And then, I'll use that as my stepping stone and _take over the world!_ BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!"

Iruka blinked. This…This was not something he was expecting. Naruto was taking the whole Kyuubi deal a _little_ too well. And now he was saying his dream was to take over the world? Was the boy always this off-kilter?

Mizuki, however, was not taking it well at all. He was pissed as all hell. That exposition was supposed to drive the little demon over the edge, not cheer him up! Grabbing his spare shuriken, Mizuki launched it at the laughing Naruto. "What are you laughing for, brat?!"

Naruto's grin became more devious. Lashing out, he swung his right fist in a straight motion at the shuriken. Mizuki scoffed. Was the jinchuuriki suicidal?

Not at all.

"Experiment initiated! Kiton: Kae Tebukuro! Doriru Sutairu!"

The glove shifted. Metal that was once attached to the knuckles began to rise and rotate. It formed into a large screw that began to rapidly spin. The drill made contact with the shuriken, spinning and carving the weapon into pieces of scrap metal. Soon, all that was left was a mangled lump of what used to be a deadly throwing star.

Naruto pumped his fist into the air, the drill still turning. His grin became capricious, and he smirked at Mizuki with a foxy wink. "The experiment was a success!"

Iruka had no idea what to say. He had never seen something like before. Sure there were weapons that could change shape, but nothing like what Naruto's had done. And kiton? What did "metal release" mean? "Naruto…what was that?"

"Eh? Didn't I tell you?" Naruto hopped up and down on the balls of his feet. The metal shield and drill retracted back into the gloves. He pounded the fists together. "Those were my so-called 'useless trinkets.' They are the best jutsu in the world – the kinzoku jutsu!" He nodded his head in affirmation. "And with them, I'll take over this puny planet!"

"Metal techniques…?"

"Don't think this over just yet, fox!" Mizuki pulled out a few more kunai and readied them. "Just because you have a few tricks up your sleeve, doesn't mean I'm defeated!"

"Oh, I'm not done just yet, Mizuki-sensei…" He accentuated the suffix, his voice a lethal sing-song. "And they're not tricks; they're something you've never seen before. You wouldn't mind if I used your help for experimental data, would you?"

"Just try it!"

"Oh…I will." His smile became devilish, his tone oozing honey and poison. The drill and shield emerged from their lairs once again. Iruka had never seen Naruto like this before. It was like a completely different personality had emerged from the boy. But it wasn't something new, no. "If there's anything an inventor can do, it's try things."

The mask had simply fallen off.

Naruto the mad scientist had arrived.

"Dodge this!" Mizuki threw the kunai.

"Kiton: Roketto Kutsu!" Naruto tapped his heels together. Treads burst out from the bottom and revved. He shot forward with a blaze of fire emanating from the back of his boots. Using the shield on his left arm, he blocked the incoming attack and leveled the drill with his right arm.

Mizuki dodged into the air, jumping over the boy. Naruto dashed forward, right towards the shack. But instead of crashing into it, he placed a sole right before he impacted. Smoke and the smell of burnt wood rose from the contact. Naruto was thrown upward. He pushed off, twisting and slamming the back of the shield into Mizuki's head. Not able to dodge, the man tumbled to the ground as Naruto made a less than graceful arc and slammed, stomach first, into one of the overhanging branches.

Choking back the spit he nearly swallowed down the wrong pipe, Naruto dropped back down to the ground. He turned to Mizuki, who was picking himself back up. Grinning at the enraged snarl on the man's face, he stated, "That's one. I've still got a bunch more tests to run. I think one for every kunai you hit Iruka-sensei with is adequate, don't you?"

"Brat! I'm gonna kill you!"

"No, I don't think that's gonna work." Naruto put his hands together, recalling the gloves. "But if you want to try, then allow me to introduce you to my associates." He plugged his fingers together into the ram seal. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu."

The forest exploded with orange. Hundreds upon hundreds Narutos popped out of thin air. Each one was wearing a sickening, saccharine grin on their face.

Mizuki promptly felt his bowels void themselves.

"The experiments are about to begin." One of the Naruto said.

"And each of us is going to have our own." Another exclaimed.

"It's probably more than what happened to Iruka-sensei."

"But what do we know? We're the dead-last of the academy!"

The multitude of Narutos each pulled out a singular orb from their jackets. If one looked close enough, you could see that the runes inscribed on the balls looked suspiciously similar to those written on explosive seals.

"Experiment initiated!"

The resulting explosions wiped out nearly a square mile of the forest.

NTNTNTNTNT

"Iruka-sensei? Ne, Iruka-sensei!"

"Wha-what?" Iruka clumsily woke from his impromptu nap. After watching Naruto create enough firepower that would make an explosive expert jealous, he had passed out when a stray rock had conked him on the side of the head. Looking around, he shot to his feet but then instantly fell back down when he became dizzy. "Where's Mizuki?"

Naruto jerked a thumb over his shoulder at the burnt, smoking, but still breathing body of Mizuki as he lied unconscious by a tree. "I might have gone a little hard on him, but he'll survive."

Iruka breathed a sigh of relief. As much as he was glad that Mizuki was defeated, he didn't want Naruto to become a killer already. But, he had more important matters to attend to. "Naruto, where did you learn all those skills?"

Naruto tilted his head. He pursed his lips. "Eight years."

"Huh?"

"I've been learning, testing, and making those jutsu for eight years, ever since I found this book that described them."

"What _are_ kinzoku jutsu?"

The boy grinned. "Metallurgy infused with seals that provide a numerous amount of abilities, services, and effects depending on how they're created."

"Would you mind showing some to me?"

Naruto tapped the side of his head. "Sorry, Iruka-sensei. Trade secret. Can't let you know all my skills for taking over the world."

Iruka remained silent for a second. "Naruto, do you really mean that?"

"Mean what?"

"Taking over the world?"

"Of course," he replied as though it was the most obvious answer. "I'm gonna become Hokage and then conquer the rest of the continent and then whatever lies beyond. I'll show everyone just what a genius I am, that I don't have to learn their ways just to be great! I'll create my own jutsu, and become better than anyone, even ji-ji!"

"Is that so…?" Iruka looked at Naruto. "Close your eyes." The boy looked at him strangely. "Go on, do it."

Naruto closed his eyes. He could feel Iruka try to remove his goggles, but he grabbed his hand and gave a small squeeze. Iruka paused before smiling and then wrapping something around his left arm. "Okay, you can open them now."

Naruto looked down. There, on his bicep, was a Konoha headband, the steel plate sparkling through the few remnants of dirt. He looked at Iruka with unbelieving eyes. The chunin smiled. "Congratulations, graduate."

The newly-appointed genin gaped before he closed his mouth. Closing his eyes again, he twisted his mouth into a smile.

"The experiment…was a success."

A/N: Whoo!! New story up! This one involves a new type of Naruto – a world conquering one! All bow down before Naruto the mechanical genius! I really enjoyed writing this, and it was rather fun to create as well. I wanted to create a whole new "brand" of jutsu, and I did so through the kinzoku! Yay! Naruto's the ultimate wrench boy!

Expect more chapters later. Naruto will be getting crazier with each chapter, so look forward to that as well. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! As for pairings, I've initially decided this will be a Naruto/Tenten pairing. Why? Boy who loves machines, girl who loves weapons. It's the perfect couple! Perhaps there will be lesser relationships, but Na/Ten will be the main one.

Send any ideas for metal jutsu, preferably by PM. I'll take them into consideration. See ya!

Please Review, and remember, no flames!

_Next Preview: Time to Take Over the World!_

New Jutsu

**Kae Tebukuro (Morph Gauntlets)**: A pair of gloves that can morph when activated. Their original forms are iron tipped gauntlets for bashing in close combat. The right glove can morph into a revolving drill, and the left glove can morph into a small shield a foot or so in diameter.

**Roketto Kutsu (Rocket Boots)**: A pair of boots that can extend and retract caterpillar treads from the bottom, turning them into skates. Mini-boosters on the back end let out boosts of speed via highly pressurized fire-chakra, acting like nitro boosters. They allow Naruto to climb up vertical surfaces and travel upside down without having to use chakra to stick because the treads dig into the surface and drag him along.


	2. Time to Take Over the World!

Disclaimer: It is my fate to never own Naruto. I am but a poor bird trapped in a very lonely and dirty cage…

**Nin Tech****  
Chapter 2: Time to Take Over the World!  
By Irritus185**

The fevered pitch of children yelling, laughing, arguing, and overall being themselves echoed in the classroom. Even though it was still fairly early in the morning, the energy levels of the newly minted genin were bursting to newfound levels. To be fair, it wasn't every day they got to become legal adults at the age of twelve or so.

Too bad they didn't quite realize all the ramifications and responsibilities that came along with it yet.

Naruto yawned softly as he nudged his way through the door. He had pulled another all-nighter. After discovering the kage bunshin, he had applied it to every practical and theorized idea that he could for the past week. The results were simply amazing.

They were exactly like him – same anatomical structure, same astral signature, same behavioral and thought patterns, even the same little quirks right down to the nervous tic around his right eye that formed whenever he started to deal with volatile chemicals – everything was the same.

Sure they couldn't take hits worth a damn (one particular clone had taken an iron spike to the shoulder and 'poofed!' just like that), but with the balanced nature of having hundreds of yourself working at all times, they could easily pick up the left-over slack. Also, they were able to keep their own train of thoughts and perform various jobs without needing to verify or check their programming constantly.

They were like the ultimate walking/talking analytical device!

Even now he had a horde of them ripping up his apartment building and renovating it back to somewhat acceptable living conditions that met the health and zoning laws. Reinforcing the structural integrity, rewiring the infrastructure, finding any loose-end experiment he may have (and most likely did) left lying about…

He hoped that the 3B prototype hadn't somehow made its way off the premises. The sheer power held in that fist-sized device could level an entire block easily. The fact that it only took one press of a button as he had not encrypted the chakra signature made it even more dangerous and probably stupid to not prioritize its finding.

Idly, Naruto wondered if his neighbors had been carefully keeping track of their insurance premiums.

There was only so much the Naru-kuns could do. They were the main security and surveillance force for his home, but they ran on a power source they had to be constantly connected to and with their small stature, doing what the clones were doing was very far off for them.

So, back to the clones. He had dumped a huge amount of chakra into their creation, and it was becoming more and more apparent to him that his reserves were indeed gargantuan in proportion to many other ninja. At least now he knew the reason why.

Kyuubi no Kitsune.

That glorious bastard…bitch…creature…thing! Sure it had nearly annihilated his village; sure it had turned almost all of Konoha's citizens against him; and sure it had made his life a living hell, but still…

He had the most powerful bijuu in existence as his tenant!

Praise the heavens!

The experiments he could do, the knowledge he could gain, the absolute power that was dangling from the ends of his fingertips – he had it all! This could only make things easier for him in the long-run. It could only make his dreams of world conquest that much easier to grasp.

Just from this simple fact, all of his plans had advanced years, decades even! With that much power, his ambitions would be realized and fulfilled!

Now if only the stupid thing would just talk to him.

Naruto was smart (insanity had nothing to do with one's intelligence). Naruto was a good person. (virtue was relative after all). Naruto had all the qualities of a ruler (he wanted to be one; how much more do you need?)…

So why wouldn't the incarnation of evil, death, and the inevitable apocalypse just let him in and command it?! ARGH! It was so _frustrating!_

It wasn't a complete loss at least. Now that he had the knowledge, he could work on a way to contact the being.

On to other matters…

The glory and hell that were minions.

Konohamaru was a wet-behind-the-ears brat, but he had the makings of a valued minion. Naruto grinned slightly as memories of yesterday's encounters trickled into his consciousness.

The Hokage's grandson was young, malleable, untouched. He was like a lump of fresh clay, just starting to be molded by those around him. All Naruto had to do was poke in at different intervals and make some (slight) changes to the whole.

Nothing on the levels of brainwashing – Naruto found that entire concept distasteful. Who'd want people following them because they were thought of as a god or something? That never ended well; cults usually fell on the end of mass suicide or genocide, and as the future commander of the Elemental countries having your people die needlessly was detrimental and opposite to your goals.

But still, cultivating affection and some brand of loyalty within the lad would be smart. It was such hard work to find quality underlings these days; people just weren't looking for that job title.

The boy had taken to his lesson of the Oroike no Jutsu like a fish to water, or a certain toad sannin to perversion, or a certain slug sannin to alcoholism, or perhaps a certain snake sannin to a less widely-accepted form of perversion (hey, everybody's got needs). Naruto never really expected his customized henge to really come in use, but after seeing the effects it had on that elite nin (Ebisu, was it?), he had come to the conclusion that polishing his basic academy jutsu was in order.

After all, he had to keep a proper image in front of his horde. He was the "boss," wasn't he?

NTNTNTNTNT

Somewhere across the dimensional planes, a toad the size of a large circus tent felt a multitude of shivers creep down his back. Looking around, he wondered why he felt as though a thousand voices had cried out in terror only to be silenced.

Shrugging, he turned back to his sake jug and took a long, hard swig. Bah, probably didn't have anything to do with him anyway.

NTNTNTNTNT

Of course, there was also the unexpected yet pleasant side-effect to the kage bunshin that brought him even more glee.

The clones retained all the experience and knowledge accumulated in their short existence and then transferred it back to the original Naruto. With that, he could "cheat" his way around hundreds of hours of training and crafting by ordering his clones to work on it while he worked elsewhere. Still, the sensations caused by his clones' dissipation were a bit…

He sneezed as his sinuses suddenly flared. Right, bypassing that particular electrical circuit was _not_ a good idea. Had to remember that.

Thank the gods he had enough mental memory to rival even the public Konoha library's dusty storage rooms. He would _not_ have survived as long if he kept making those same mistakes over and over and over again…instead of just over again the second time.

He was _still_ wondering what he was thinking when he retested the flame retardant material that made up his outfits…while he was still in it.

…oh, right – live data.

Almost stumbling into the classroom, he collapsed into the first free chair he could find. The last several of days had been _tiring._ Fail the genin exam, learn some forbidden jutsu, beat a rogue chunin, create a thousand copies of yourself, run every experiment possible on those thousand selves, put yourself into overdrive to revamp your living space…Naruto was working on only a few hours of sleep in the last 96 hours, his chakra reserves had been depleted Kyuubi knows how many times, and the only thing keeping him conscious was the concentrated coffee syrup he had been chugging like it was water.

He was sooooo _sleepy…_

Luckily, he knew that simply falling asleep wouldn't disperse the clones. Apparently it had something to do with the particular brainwaves of the person, and the delta waves provided during the REM cycle managed to keep the kage bunshin up and running despite the lack of concentration. If he was forcefully knocked unconscious, however, there was nothing to ease the transition and it was like basically pulling the plug on the clones' life support.

Laying his head on the table, he closed his eyes. He just needed to rest for a moment.

Even the greatest of geniuses needed their sleep. Naruto was sure that once he got his energy back, he could continue with his plans and goals.

Yes…the world was his for the taking.

All was according to plan. All was…

A random student noticed the bedraggled boy and made his way over to him. He didn't know why Naruto was there, but it was always a plus to make fun of the class clown. The adults constantly shunned him, and it was easy to guess why considering the boy's unhinged and loner demeanor.

Naruto was always avoiding the other students. In this respect he was almost like the class heart-throb Uchiha. But unlike Sasuke Naruto wasn't acting "tragic" or "cool," he simply avoided everyone going on about how he needed total focus on fiddling with his devices.

What a weirdo!

"Huh, Naruto, what the hell are you doing here? Only those who passed the exam are allowed here."

He didn't receive a response, so he tried again. "Yo! Naruto!"

A broken snore was his answer. Looking down, he blanched at the drooling that was going on, Naruto's face locked in a calm visage of slumber. Oh boy…He…he should probably leave the boy alone.

Yeah, that sounded like a good idea. Just walk away slowly and-

"Out of my way!"

"Like hell I will!"

The classroom went silent as two aspiring kunoichi burst into the room, one with pink hair closely followed by one with blonde. The pinkette made a victory pose as she let out a brilliant, shit-eating grin.

"Ha! Take _that_ Ino-pig! I was the first one in so that means _I _get to sit next to Sasuke-kun!"

"Che!"

The blonde stomped her foot in frustration before making it to a free seat in the back. The pinkette made her way to her prize.

Enter the fangirl. A dangerous and highly volatile species, the fangirl should not be trifled with when attempting to hunt their favored prey – the elusive and irritating emo bishounen. Those that do tend to leave this world in a messy and painful way, thereby creating a warning for any others that may dare.

The fangirl's only natural enemy is another of their kind, which leads to violent, both physical and verbal, confrontations that can only lead to wide-area destruction and monumental property damage.

However, in this particular case, there is something that is even more dreadful and dangerous than a fangirl in the middle of the hunt.

Sakura looked down at the boy who was blocking the way to her beloved Sasuke-kun. She growled softly, a sound that made everyone shudder in fear. "Naruto! Move out of the way!"

"H-Haruno-san…?"

"What?!"

The boy who had failed to leave the area pointed at the jinchuuriki, his finger shaking subtly. "Naruto's taking a nap right now, so maybe…"

The entire room froze. Only soft snores emanating from the lad could be heard.

Not much was known about Naruto. Sure, his status as the village pariah was widely acknowledged, and there was obviously something…off about him, but for the most part, he was rather secretive about his life except for the occasional fevered speech about his genius.

But there was one thing that was well-known to every student and teacher in the academy.

You do not wake a napping Naruto Uzumaki.

Unlike the resident Nara, who slept through pretty much every lecture or practical test that the academy had, Naruto's ventures into dreamland during class time were far and few between. He rarely paid attention, if ever, in class, but there was a large difference between being completely unconscious and simply not following the lesson at hand.

When Naruto's nap was interrupted, Bad Things happened. Not bad things, Bad Things. You could literally hear the capitalization.

The last person to suddenly wake him had his hair frizzed out from the electricity for weeks. Nothing could completely dissipate the shock given. And the entire time Naruto had looked around like nothing had happened before drowsily apologizing and then going to work on one of his tools.

So Sakura was left at a conundrum. Either she could wake Naruto to move him and arrive at her Sasuke-kun's side and risk his wrath, or she could just cut her losses and try to corner the boy another time.

Possible bodily harm or Sasuke-kun? Possible bodily harm or Sasuke-kun?

Two tiny figures appeared on her shoulder – small copies of herself – both with labels written on their chests. One was "self-preservation" and the other was "true love."

"**You can't let something like this keep you down!"** TL exclaimed. "**If some little shrimp can stop you, then how can we make Sasuke-kun fall for us?"**

"**Screw the little whiner! I wanna live!"** SP cried.

"**But doesn't Sasuke-kun mean everything to us?"**

"**Not if I'm going to lose a piece of my hide in the process!"**

"**But that's just a small sacrifice in our quest to show Sasuke-kun the true path of love!"**

"**Forget your stupid love! I am **_**outta**_** here! C'mon, forehead girl!"**

As SP tried to drag away Sakura by the ear, a monochrome hand jutted out and grabbed it. With an audible 'pop,' the small figure exploded into a plume of dust. TL looked back to see a rather irritated and large version of Sakura with the words "inner" tattooed on her forehead. **"Screw both of you! We'll do anything to get Sasuke, and if the dead-last just gets in our way then we'll just simply remove him. Shannaro!"**

"But we can't harm him! If we do, then Sasuke-kun will…"

Inner Sakura grabbed TL, grinning nastily**. "Are you gonna get in my way, too?"**

"**No, ma'am!"** it squeaked.

"**Good girl."**

Oh come on, we all knew this was going happen. Now just keep quiet and enjoy the inevitable fireworks.

"Naruto! Wake up and move before I-!" Before Sakura could even place a hand on Naruto's shoulder to shake him awake, she suddenly found a small orb hovering right in front of her face. She didn't even get to say one word before it cracked open and a fine, orange mist escaped from its confines, which was quickly inhaled by her.

The rest of the room blinked at the speed things had happened. They hadn't even seen Naruto's hands move, but he had somehow thrown something in the air which had just exploded in the pinkette's face.

Sakura blinked. A dreamy smile spread across her once furrowed face and she giggled softly. "Heehee, I'll take the purple kitten. No, I don't want the gorgonzola pancakes so put the hammer in the pudding."

Then she collapsed.

Naruto blearily looked up from his position. When he saw that the rest of the room had grown quiet, he wondered what was going on. He then saw the unconscious Sakura. Pursing his lips in idle thought, he frowned. "Hey, what happened?"

Nobody answered, too afraid that he would subconsciously target them next. When he found no one was coming to bat, Naruto shrugged, picked up the drug-addled girl, and set her next to him on the seat. He then swiftly fell back asleep. She tilted to the side, resting an open, drooling mouth on the Uchiha's shoulder. The boy grimaced, but he found it was easier to just ignore her rather than try and move her and gain Naruto's awareness.

The boy was scary on levels even Sasuke didn't want to touch.

And so Sakura achieved one of her biggest dreams. Too bad she was off in happy-pastel-funland and wouldn't be able to consciously enjoy it.

Slowly, _so_ slowly, the minutes passed and Iruka entered the room. "Okay, everyone, settle down and…" He trailed off. Why was the classroom so quiet? Shouldn't these kids be happy that they passed the exam? Why weren't they jumping around like idiots and-

He saw that Naruto was sleeping at his desk, and Sakura was drooling all over Sasuke's shoulder. Oh, so that's why…

"Did Haruno-kun try to wake Naruto up?" The class simultaneously nodded. "Right, let's just continue with our last class then. It's been a long time since you entered this academy, and I'm proud to say…"

Iruka continued with his obligatory spiel about the responsibilities of the new ninja before finishing up and switching to the team assignments for the class. He _was_ proud of them all, especially Naruto; he was also just so damn grateful that Naruto was out and would be terrorizing some other poor sap instead of him.

"…Team 7 under Kakashi Hatake will be Naruto Uzumaki, Sakura Haruno, and Sasuke Uchiha. Err…" He looked at the inert and chemically subdued duo. "Uchiha-kun, you can tell them their placements once they wake up."

"Sensei." The gruff statement was something that was _not_ to be ignored.

"Yes, Uchiha-kun?"

"Can I have a new team?" Sakura's drool was starting to soak through his clothes. He didn't like the sticky feeling one bit. He also didn't like being paired up with a pink-haired psycho and blonde fool who was probably a closet psychopath.

Actually, Naruto was quite open with his insanity, people just tended to ignore the signs – the large neon orange signs with sparklers and the fog machine.

"No, Uchiha-kun."

"…hnn."

Well, maybe he could dispose of them without anyone noticing and get put with a new team, or better yet, be a team all his own. It wasn't like he needed anyone else.

"But I don't _want_ to play hanky-panky, Mr. Potato Head."

Definitely not _her_.

Naruto mumbled happily in his sleep. "I'll show them all…It's all happening according to plan…"

NTNTNTNTNT

The single grey eye glanced around the room. It was a mess of sheet metal, empty ramen cups, and various oil and mechanical liquids. It locked back onto the wizened man with the triangular hat. "So this is where Naruto lives?"

Sarutobi nodded. "It's a bit messy, but that says nothing for his mind. Unlike what many people might think, Naruto is quite clever and intellectual. He just doesn't quite…fit the normal example of a genius." The man's eyes twinkled at some unknown joke. He cleared his throat at the look Kakashi was throwing at him. "I assure you though, it would be best not to underestimate him."

The silver-haired jounin rolled his eyes. "And the reason you chose me?"

"He can be troublesome at times. A perfect match for you, Kakashi. I think you'll get along quite well." The Hokage chewed on the end of his pipe, wishing dearly he could light it. However, he had been at Naruto's many times before, and from numerous prior experiences, he had found it in good taste (and personal safety) to not keep an open flame no matter how small. "Plus, you'll also have the Sasuke of _that_ Uchiha clan on your team."

"Huh."

"**Yo, jii-san!"** The two turned around to see a Naru-kun walk into the room and salute the leader of the village. **"What are ya doing here? Boss won't be back until late tonight."**

"Oh, I was just showing Naruto's future team leader around. I thought that-"

"**Who?"** The small robot snuck a peak to the side, its eyes flashing as it seemed to realize for the first time there was another person in the room. **"I don't recognize this person. He's not in my security data banks. Initiating defense measures."**

"Now, now, I'm sure it doesn't have to come to that," Sarutobi gulped, a small sheen of sweat appearing on his forehead.

Twin red lights emerged from the top of the Naru-kun's head, a loudspeaker coming from its chest. The lights began to spin rapidly as red was poured all over the room. A booming voice ripped through the building.

"**WARNING! WARNING! INTRUDER! THERE IS A FOREIGN ENTITY IN THE BUILDING! REPEAT! INTRUDER! THERE IS A FOREIGN ENTITY IN THE BUILDING! PURGE! PURGE! PURGE!"**

The rumbling of many feet could be heard outside the room, and Sarutobi grabbed Kakashi by the arm. "Perhaps it would be wise if we left now."

Kakashi smiled lazily underneath his facemask. "And what could the little toy do to us?"

"**INTRUDER!"**

"**INTRUDER!"**

"**INTRUDER!"**

Kakashi turned back to see an army of the Naru-kuns popping their way out of each little doorway, nook, cranny, and wherever else they could enter. Soon, the entire room was teaming with them. They all zoomed in on the man, their neon eyes flashing to red and orange from their normal blue. As one, they shouted their intentions, creating a resonation that shook the building to its very foundations.

"**INITIATE 'CRUSH-FACE' PROTOCOL."**

_Ch-chick._

Kakashi found himself staring down dozens of barrels, oversized rockets, and rather sharp-looking weapons.

Those looked like they could hurt someone…

As the room, and subsequently the window, exploded from the onslaught of the tiny death machines, he absently noted that the Hokage had disappeared somewhere in that short frame of time. Really, the man knew what he was talking about. He _was_ called the "Professor" after all.

Sarutobi watched from his safe position a mile down the road from Naruto's apartment building. A window had burst open in an array of glass and smoke, and he could see flashing and various explosions occur. He hoped the charred and smoking object that had just been propelled from the opening wasn't the body of the late Kakashi Hatake. It would be so much paperwork to try and hire another jounin that would be willing to look after Naruto.

A ninja's life or paperwork – obviously being Hokage for the second time had taught Sarutobi to organize his priorities.

NTNTNTNTNT

The room was still, quiet – a perfect moment of serenity and tranquility.

"_Argh!_ Where is he?!"

Okay, maybe not so much.

Sakura stomped her foot on the ground, her frustration having already gotten the best of her and deciding to see if it could make another drive-by. She faced her team members.

She still couldn't believe she was a team with Sasuke! It was the best thing that could have possibly happened to her! Now she actually had a real reason to spend all day around the boy, instead of just stalking-err, following-err, bumping into him whenever she could. She could spend all day cheering him on and looking at those dark eyes and pale skin and lithe physique and sweet ass…

She cut off the daydreams before they got the bets of her. Inner Sakura had no such problem. A rosy tint involuntarily rose to her cheeks.

Then there was the problem of her _other_ teammate.

Naruto…

She understood why he was on the team. Each one had to be balanced and her team consisted of the top kunoichi, rookie of the year, and the dead last of the class. With Naruto's grades there was no way he could be on any other team.

But still…_why?_

Naruto looked up from his device at the girl who was frantically rubbing her fists into her temple. That couldn't be very healthy or useful. Sighing, he returned to his work.

Naruto adjusted the hitai-ate around his neck. Although it was more commonplace to keep it on one's forehead, that spot was already occupied by his goggles, so he figured it would be best placed around his throat. Already that piece of metal provided a small barrier for his jugular. Though grim in his preparation, at least he thought ahead.

The screwdriver stripped a bit off the screw head.

Three hours had gone by.

Three hours since all the other teams had gone off with their jounin senseis, leaving him and his cell to wait in the room until theirs showed up. He understood that perhaps there might have been something that could have happened, but really, it was common courtesy to at least attempt to be on time for people you would take care of for the next several years.

He supposed he could get a _little_ revenge for the matter.

Walking over to the chalkboard, he picked up a stray eraser. The other two genin watched in interest as he then made his way to the door and shoved the eraser between the sliding door and its frame.

"Naruto, you really think that's going to work?" Sakura asked, exasperation heavy in her voice.

"Our teacher is a jounin, the elite. They're not going to fall for such a simple booby trap like that. Were you even paying attention during the lessons on traps, dobe?"

Naruto shrugged and placed his hands next to ears, fidgeting with something before he snapped on his goggles and went back to his invention. "It's just a test. If it works I get I cheap laugh. If it doesn't then no harm done."

Sakura and Sasuke's faces melted in disbelief. Could anyone really be that stupid? Still, they were a bit interested in what would happen. That simple prank could tell a lot about their future instructor.

The uneven tapping of feet could be heard from the hall. Waiting for who would appear, their minds were a mix of excitement, trepidation, and anticipation.

An unruly and matted and somewhat sooty mop of silver hair poked its way through the opening, the door sliding out. Kakashi made his way through the doorway. It was then that three things happened in rapid succession.

First, the eraser fell, colliding with the jounin's skull and spreading chalk dust everywhere. Second, something clicked and the cyclops' eye crinkled in irritation as his mind muttered, _"Crud."_ Third, one orb on both side of the doorway was launched up.

The room was bathed in a blinding white light and resounding, crackling boom.

Sakura and Sasuke screamed and grunted in shock as they pupils withered to accommodate the sudden change in light, their ears ringing from the loud sound. Kakashi, at ground zero, had the sudden urge to just whip off his hitai-ate and use his Sharingan to throttle a certain mad jinchuuriki. Also, why was he hearing a consistent 'wah-wah-waaahh~" in the back of his head?

Sakura was the first to regain her composure. "What the hell was _that?!"_ Okay, not so much composure as the energy to lash out her rage at someone.

"Huh, I didn't think that'd actually work. The eraser was a gimme, but the flash bang was unexpected."

They all looked up to see Naruto removing ear plugs and his goggles. His face was a mask of bemused pride.

Sasuke rubbed at his eyes, growling at the colorful dots that refused to leave his vision. "When did you place that one?" As angry as he was for being caught unawares, the way he had not noticed the traps at all was something that he had to find out. Naruto wasn't clever enough to do something like that.

"Don't you have anything to say for yourself?!" Sakura had no such qualms.

Naruto blinked. "I think I used too much magnesium in that mix. Too sudden a flash without bleeding enough off for a more sustained lighting."

Sakura's eye twitched.

"**Get the little bastard!"**

Kakashi interrupted before the pinkette could launch herself across the room and pummel Naruto into a broken, bloody pulp (though later he regretted that decision; ah, well, he could always wait till the next time.) "No killing your teammates. I don't get paid enough to explain to your guardians that their wards have become violent murderers of their own allies. Now, meet up at the academy's roof. We'll have a talk."

He made his way out the room before poking his head back in. "Oh, and just to let you know, my first impression of you all is that I don't like you." He pointed a finger at Naruto. "Especially you. You, I hate."

Naruto blinked again.

"Eh?"

NTNTNTNTNT

Kakashi stared at his new charges from across the small clearing on the roof. He already knew about them – he had rifled through their academy records – and was particularly aware of both Sasuke and Naruto. But it was that personal touch that would make it easier to gauge their reactions and thought processes and thus make his game plans clearer.

"Okay, so let's start with the basics. Give me your name, likes and dislikes, any hobbies, your dream for the future, etc."

Sakura had finally calmed down enough from the earlier fiasco to collect her thoughts and put forth a reasonable request. The fact that she was sitting right next to her Sasuke-kun had nothing to do with it…

Really.

"What about you, sensei? None of us really know anything about you."

"Fair enough." The man rubbed his chin. "I'm Kakashi Hatake. I don't feel the need to tell you my likes or dislikes, my hobbies are…and my future dreams would only give you nightmares, or the best dreams ever if you swing that way."

The three were silent. "That…doesn't tell us much at all."

"You're not a very good teacher, are you?"

"Hnn…"

Kakashi ignored the comments. Flapping a hand, he flicked a finger at Sakura. "All right then, you're up first then, girly."

Sakura grumbled and then sat up straight. "My name is Sakura Haruno. My likes are…" At this she snuck a look at Sasuke, a fierce blush staining her cheeks. "I hate Ino-pig! As for my dream, well, they…" Instigate next level of blush and add some squeals into the mix for good measure. "My hobbies…"

For some odd reason, Sasuke felt a chill creep its way down his spine. He had the thought to buy some thicker curtains and a dog.

A big one.

A big one with large, pointy teeth.

One with severe anger issues. Preferably one that was put into the pound for attacking people.

Maybe the Inuzuka clan had one they'd be willing to part with?

_Right, stalker fangirl. There always has to be one._ Kakashi scratched his cheek. "Okay then, next."

Sasuke grunted. "I'm Sasuke Uchiha. I don't have many likes, but I doubt it matters because I hate pretty much everything else. Hobbies are worthless, but I do have a dream…or an ambition, to…kill a certain man."

_Well, isn't he one little ball of sunshine. I can tell this is going to be fun already._ Why did he always get the freaks? Never mind the fact that he wasn't exactly normal himself.

The Icha Icha called for him…

"And last, we have Twitchy-kun."

How nice, a nickname already. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki. My likes are ramen, coffee, Metaru, and my kinzoku jutsu."

The others looked at him in confusion. What the heck were those?

"My dislikes are when my experiments fail and people who are close-minded. My hobbies are training, practical jokes, gardening, listening to music, and reading."

Reading? From the boy who had the intelligence of a rock? Who the heck was he trying to fool?

"My dream is become Hokage and then take over the world!"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "What was that last one?"

"Become Hokage?"

"Right…" Kakashi wondered what god he pissed off recently to deserve this. _And to round it off, we have a megalomaniacal midget with the world's strongest creature in his belly._ Kakashi hated his life.

"Well, in any case, I want you to meet me tomorrow morning at training ground ten at eight. We'll start our ninja duties then and you'll have your final genin exam."

The three pre-teens looked on in shock. "Wait, what do you mean test? Didn't we pass ours already?"

"Oh, that? That was just to weed out the _real_ weaklings from those with actual potential as ninja. This is to determine if the ones left over can really make the grade." He put a hand to his mask-covered mouth, giggling devilishly. "Ahh…I can't wait for that."

"What the hell is so funny?!" Sakura cried out.

"Ahh…nothing, nothing, just a little joke that has to deal with the exam."

"And what's that?"

"You sure you wanna know?" Finding their expectant faces as his response, Kakashi forced himself not to burst out laughing. "This exam is so difficult, the failure rate is over 66%. Out of the twenty-seven students that made it, only nine will become legal shinobi! Fantastic, ne?"

"You suck, you know that?"

"So I've been told. Anyway, the test is based around survival training, so study up on that. Make sure to arrive early and don't eat anything! You'll probably just puke it up in the end. See ya!" With that, the ex-ANBU made a quick hand seal and disappeared from the rooftop, leaves swirling in the void he left.

Naruto blinked at the shell-shocked looks on his teammates' faces. They obviously weren't expecting this as well.

This certainly threw a monkey wrench into his plans. But if there was anything he knew about wrenches, it was that throwing another into the mix usually had a positive effect.

And he had plenty of wrenches.

Naruto grinned.

NTNTNTNTNT

"I'm home!"

After the meeting with his new cell members and teacher, Naruto had gone to Ichiraku's for his evening meal. It had gotten pretty late into the day what with Kakashi being _hours_ late. Once again, Ayame had glomped and cuddled him like an oversized doll. It's not like he minded. The girl often gave him ramen at a discount and sometimes free if she was in a good enough mood.

She could do whatever she damn well wanted with him.

If only he knew just how much she wanted…

"Mr. Snugglebuns" was not going to be taken away by another girl so easily.

Closing the door behind him, Naruto removed his boots and slid on a pair of slippers. Taking in his surroundings, he was pleased to see just how good a job his clones had done on the building. Gone was the decrepit look of a structure that would most likely fall down in a strong wind – holes punctured everywhere, floorboards squeaking with every step, lights tinkling on and off, the very structure shaking under the enormous strain of deadly explosives and weapon caches.

Oh wait, that last bit was normal.

A greeted him as he made his further into his home. **"Welcome back, boss."**

"Thanks, A." He scratched his cheek. "Did something happen while I was at the academy? A few of my clones viewed some kind of massacre from outside the apartment."

"**An intruder made his way into your abode. We simply removed him from the area."**

"You didn't kill him, did you? I don't want to have to deal with jii-san again because some idiot thought they'd get prestige by invading my home."

"**Actually, jii-san was with the intruder. Something about the person being your new team leader. However, by that time I had already fallen back onto my programming."**

Naruto paused for a bit. He raised his hand in the air, a foot or so above his head. "Tall guy, silver hair, face almost completely covered?"

"**Yes."**

The sun-kissed blonde did nothing before chuckling, which soon turned into blown-out laughter. "So _that's_ why he said he hated me!" Naruto held a hand to his stomach as pains began to shoot through it. "And all this time I thought it might have been because I was a jinchuuriki!"

"**Boss?"**

Wiping a tear from his eye, Naruto smirked deviously. "That 'intruder' was actually the jounin sensei for my new genin team, Kakashi Hatake. You guys basically blew up the man who's supposed to teach me how to be a better ninja."

"**I apologize for the error, boss."**

He chuckled again, a high-pitched giggle escaping. "Don't be. You did what I programmed you to do. Just remember to enter him into the list of people allowed in the building." He bent down and patted the clank on the head then stopped. A nasty grin spread from one lip to the other. "Add as a supplementary program J-6 to his file."

"**As you wish, boss."** The Naru-kun's eyes shined as it transferred the data to all of the other droids. When it stopped, its tone held a mischief that creepily contrasted its neutrally-crafted skull. **"You must really like him to add **_**that**_** program to his directory file, huh boss?"**

Naruto shrugged. "I do what I can." His smile melted into a kinder one. "How's Metaru doing? Is he adapting to the upgrade?"

"**He's been sleeping most of the day away, boss. Though I think he should be-"**

A was cut off by the scrabbling of claws on tiled floors zooming towards their position. Yips filled the air as a russet orange shape bolted down the hall at them before leaping through the air and tackling Naruto to the floor thanks to the boy's unsteady stance.

Naruto could feel cold plated metal lapping at his cheek as he laughed, amber eyes staring at him in unbound adoration. Small iron nails dug into his thick clothing, searching for a good grip as a fur coated tail whipped back and forth.

Naruto peeled Metaru off of him, gazing in affection at the small fox-shaped construct in his arms. Not even two feet long, his tail nearly the same size as his body, and hardly a foot tall, the small robot barked and whimpered in happiness as his master held him close.

"Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?" Naruto cooed, Metaru butting his vulpine nose into the lad's chest. "Metaru's a good boy! Yes, you are! Yes, you are!"

Metaru was his greatest creation, but more importantly, he was Naruto's companion and friend. The construct was the result of years of labor and research, resulting in a sentient life form that learned and developed the more time it spent in its created existence.

In other words, he was the first artificially intelligent creature since centuries ago.

"Were you a good little fox?" Naruto asked. Metaru yipped in response. His smile widened. "That's right," Naruto almost simpered. "Because Metaru is the best thing in the whole wide world, right up there with ramen, yes he is…"

The little fox had already reached godhood.

"You must be hungry. You probably haven't a bite all day."

"**He refused to siphon off any of the clones, boss. But I'm not sure whether this was his personal preference or if he couldn't."**

"Well, they are chakra constructs. Even if they carry my astral pattern, their physical bodies don't technically exist." Naruto bit his index finger, tearing off the very tip. Beads of blood began to pool out. "They can't really bleed, and too much chakra drainage shorts them out, so I doubt they'd be able to act as a viable alternative energy source."

He placed the finger inside Metaru's mouth, who then began to suckle it like a newborn babe. A thin line of blue chakra drew itself into the construct, the blood acting as a medium. Luckily, only a few milliliters was needed to start the process, and the chakra flow increased until Metaru cut it off with a yawn and a smacking of lips.

Placing the fox on the floor, Naruto made his way to his study as both the construct and clank followed suit. A was quiet except for the whirring of gears and crackling of electricity while Metaru danced around Naruto like a mad top, gaining small laughs and giggles as his reward. When they reached the book infested room, Naruto shoved a pile over, muttering curses all the while that he should have sent his clones to do this room first, and sat at his table.

The furniture had all manners of objects, devices, and sheets of paper scattered all over it. Oddly enough it looked like a copy of the Hokage's desk.

Little did Naruto know just how quickly he was becoming attuned to the job's most terrible danger and annoyance – the paper Legion.

Metaru jumped into his creator's lap, curling up into a small ball for the blessed warmth, while A climbed the small set of stairs set at the side of the table. Naruto had created it, and many others like it around the building, after realizing that, due to the size of the Naru-kuns, there were a lot of places cut off for them. And A, being the in facto leader of the crew, was often needed to help discuss plans thanks to the many battle tactics Naruto had entered into the digital database.

"**So, what are we doing, boss?"**

Naruto pulled a few books from the side of him, most labeled as the current year and previous' bingo book. "I've got another test set for tomorrow that'll determine whether or not I'll actually stay a genin or get returned to the academy. The theme is survival training, so I wanna get as much data and preparation as possible."

"**And your teammates?"**

Naruto grinned. "That's the best part."

Sasuke Uchiha. Rookie of the year. One of the last living and loyal member of the Uchiha clan – owner of the coveted and notorious Sharingan. Top marks in all areas of nin arts – though his specialties lied in his clan's particular style of taijutsu and the knowledge of a few fire-style ninjutsu. His most powerful aspect had to be his bloodline limit to copy any jutsus used in his vision. Though his people skills stunk even worse than Naruto's.

Sakura Haruno. Top kunoichi of the year. Her academic marks were one of the highest in the academy's history, but her practical marks left her flat on the ground. No physical or ninjutsu attributes to speak off, except for her high chakra control. Instantly an analytical type. She was also tricky as one of the Uchiha's many, _many_ fangirls.

Finally, Kakashi Hatake. Jounin. Former ANBU captain. Known as the copy-ninja, having supposedly duplicated over a thousand jutsu. He obviously had a Sharingan as well, though where he got it Naruto did not know. Powerful, quick, and an excellent strategist, but rumor had it he was also lazy, perverted, and always chronically late.

This would indeed be a fun time.

Gathering brushes, ink, and paper, Naruto reached out before his hand bonked against something. Turning, Naruto saw Metaru had a pair of headphones in his mouth, his pneumatic ears whooshing slightly. Naruto gave a grin as thanks before snapping the headphones on. Metaru climbed back into his lap, and A watched in silence as his creator began his "composing."

"And begin."

Snapping his fingers, the sound of Bach's "Air" filled his ears.

A beautiful melody, once lost, now mysteriously found again. It flowed, like the name of the tune.

Naruto's hands danced across the table.

NTNTNTNTNT

It was morning, and two halfway genins were standing around like idiots just where in the hell their other teammate and instructor was. They had come early, they hadn't eaten, they had arrived at the right place, they had prepared for the survival test, they had done everything asked…

So where the hell was Kakashi and Naruto?!

"Graaahh! I'm gonna kill that empty-headed blonde when he gets here!"

Sasuke, though he did not do so vocally for the fear of getting a gooey Sakura, found himself agreeing with the girl.

He didn't really care if Naruto didn't come (the boy was the dead last, after all.) But if they did not have a teacher, they could not pass. And if they didn't pass, he couldn't become a ninja. And if he didn't become a ninja, he would never be able to gain all the power to kill his missing nin sibling Itachi.

So this statement begs to be said.

He was going to punch Kakashi right in his smug face when the man arrived.

"Yo! Sorry we're late!"

The two turned to see Naruto beaming congenially at them…while dragging Kakashi behind him by the jounin's legs.

Sakura and Sasuke blinked. The man was obviously not enjoying himself, but neither was he doing anything to stop Naruto from the rough treatment. It appeared that he couldn't even move under his own power.

"What the…" Sakura murmured out loud.

Naruto laughed as he dropped the older man into an undignified lump on the ground. "Kakashi-sensei had a bit of a run-in with some friends of mine, and well…"

"Little metal midget bastards…" The copy nin muttered through numb lips, his body vibrating slightly.

Naruto frowned. "Ya just _had_ to try and get them back, didn't ya? They nearly blew you up last time."

"Dobe, what did this?"

The jinchuuriki faced Sasuke, who had both a disgruntled yet intrigued expression. "The Naru-kuns."

"Naru-kuns?"

"I guess you could call them the security system installed in my apartment complex. One of them was rigged with a high-yield electrical line and kind of tagged Kakashi-sensei when he was trying to get revenge for a previous fault."

"Robot devils…"

"Is he going to be alright?" Sakura asked.

"Should be. It was only a few thousand volts."

Sasuke grunted. "Dobe, that would normally kill a person, or at least render them into a comatose state for several hours."

Naruto tilted his head. "But I get that much power shot into me all the time!"

"…this explains _so_ much about you."

"Eh, whatever." Naruto sat down, leaning the jounin against a tree before pulling a ramen cup out of his pack and peeling off the cover. With quick snap of his fingers, the cup bulged and steam began to rise out. As he began to chow down, Saskura interrupted him.

"What are you doing?"

"What?" A stray noodle hung from his lips. "I was in the middle of eating when Kakashi-sensei burst through one of my windows strapped to the hip and demanding where he could find the 'shiny, little monstrosities.' I'm hungry!"

"But he told us _not_ to eat!"

"No, he _suggested_ we not eat because we might just throw up later. _Might_, not will. I'm not foregoing my breakfast or the energy from it on the off chance it'll come back up accidentally."

Twin growls followed his statement. He looked at the other two genin, both with looks of embarrassment and hunger sketched across their faces. "You're kidding, right?" Naruto's face fell into tumultuous mockery. "Oh, this is great. Two of the top students in the class, and they make one of the worst rookie mistakes ever. _Never_ go without eating unless you absolutely have to, _especially_ before something like this."

Sasuke growled. "I don't need someone like _you_ to tell me that, dobe."

"Ahh, relax, Sasuke-kun." Naruto waved a hand noncommittally. "I'm just giving some advice. Here." He reached back into his pack and retrieved two more cups and pairs of chopsticks, tossing them over to the others.

"They're not the most filling, but they should help somewhat."

Sakura turned the cup over in her hand. She had never seen this kind before. The cup was made of metal with a thin sheet of wood on the outside, and the bottom had some unknown runes engraved in it. "What is this? It isn't going to explode on me, is it? Because if it does, your ass is mine."

"Don't worry, Sakura-chan. They're my own special brand – QuickStart Ramen™. Ah, just wait a sec." He snapped his fingers twice and steam began to escape from the cup.

"And how did you do _that?_"

"Custom seals on the bottom of the cup. Now _eat._"

Not willing to look a gifthorse in the mouth with the hunger pangs they were experiencing, they opened their cups, only to be repulsed by the insides.

"Ewwww! What in the hell is this?!" Sakura screeched as she looked at the noodles floating around in a dark black liquid.

Naruto drained the last of his cup, licking his lips for residual drops. "Ramen noodles soaked in black coffee."

"You are a freak." Sasuke noted.

"Hey, I said my likes were ramen and coffee. I just found a way of combining them." The pinkette and black-haired boy stared at him in disgust. He pursed his lips. "Don't knock it till you try it. Besides, it'll give you a boost in energy and should make this whole test easier to handle."

Sasuke grimaced at the idea of drinking the foul concoction, but if it meant that he would be better equipped he would do anything. Setting his jaw, he took the cup and downed it in one go, allowing both liquid and noodles to flow into his something without a hitch. Naruto whistled appreciatively. Sasuke let out a small burp as his stomach rumbled in protest.

"There."

"Not bad, not bad. But you shouldn't have done it so quickly. You're going to regret it later."

"Why would I-?" It smashed into him like when Naruto tore open the outer wall of his apartment's fifth floor. All the vibrant colors, the striking smells, the lilting sounds; his body felt like it was brimming with power! "What the…"

"Caffeine rush." Naruto explained. "You are going to have one heck of a headache later." He turned to Sakura. "Your turn. Just try to take it easier than the boy wonder over here."

Sakura scowled at the insult given to her Sasuke-kun but held her tongue. If being with Sasuke meant drinking this…this…whatever this thing was, she would do it and do it happily. She began to choke down the ramen.

Naruto internally leered. Yes…eat the ramen. Let it flow through you…Already they were falling into his clutches. Resisting the urge to laugh manically, Naruto waited until Sakura had finished the entire cup before nodding in approval.

"Alright then, now that we're somewhat hopped up on junk food and caffeine, I think it's time we start the test. Kakashi-sensei?" He asked, turning to the jounin.

"He's still paralyzed, Naruto."

"Ah, right, oops?" Naruto fished around the many pockets in his coats before he pulled out what looked like a small metallic pen. Touching it to Kakashi, everyone else's eyes widened as an electrical arc raced into the object. When it finished, Kakashi was able to move himself again. Naruto placed the item back into his coat.

Obviously there was more to the short boy than met the eye.

Kakashi narrowed his eyes. "And why didn't you do that before?"

Naruto grinned capriciously. "'Cause otherwise you wouldn't have let us eaten and shoved us straight into the test at a disadvantage." He leaned forward and waggled his eyebrows. _"Riiiiggghhhtttt…?"_

Kakashi shook his head, his eye becoming an upside-down U. "You're impossible, brat, but I think I'm starting to like you." He stood up and walked over to a stump, placing down a clock. "Right then, guess we'll start now."

The genin stood at attention. "I will set this clock to ring one hour from now. In that time span, you must steal one of these bells that I will be keeping on my person." He jingled a pair of bells for them to see. "If you manage to steal one, you will pass the test and become honorary ninja."

Sakura noted the contradiction. "But sensei, there's only two bells. One of us will be left out."

The man smirked. "Exactly."

"Then that means that…"

"One of you will definitely be sent back to the academy." Each of the children seemed shocked at this aspect. Kakashi mentally laughed at their looks. Oh, it was so fun to psychologically screw with these kids. Maybe it was a good thing he had been nominated as a potential teacher. "You can use any tools, jutsus, or weapons you may have brought with you. Strike as though you were fighting a real enemy. You won't get shit otherwise."

He nodded. "Right then. Ready…"

Naruto removed the headphones from his neck, brought for this special occasion.

"Set…"

He snapped them on.

"And…"

"GO!" Naruto roared. The sound of heavy metal invaded his ears. He snapped his fingers together.

The ground beneath Kakashi surged upward.

NTNTNTNTNT

"The idiot is insane. Absolutely and completely insane."

Sasuke had hidden himself after the huge explosion hidden right underneath Kakashi was set off, scattering all of them to the winds. Naruto had been laughing like a madman when hell broke loose, snapping his fingers to some odd beat as the ground mutated itself into fiery death.

He didn't know what the dobe had done, but he did know that it was powerful and unexpected.

He had to have it for himself.

Sasuke had to make a revaluation of the previous class clown. It was clear he had been holding a lot back. To make such a sudden explosion without the use of hand signs or any discernable jutsu? That was something not a complete idiot could accomplish.

Though at this very moment that complete idiot was challenging Kakashi to a fight in the wide open clearing after the jounin had wandered back in to try and bait the genin.

So it was official – Naruto was just crazy.

After babbling on about some stuff or other, Naruto launched himself at the man, devolving into a poor rendition of the academy's taijutsu. When he found his back turned to the jounin, Kakashi had performed his "thousand years of death" jutsu on the boy.

What was surprising was not that Kakashi had beaten Naruto so easily, but that Naruto had just poofed into a thin cloud of smoke.

So it had to be a bunshin. But it wasn't a normal bunshin. So what was it?

These questions weren't answered as a small orb swiftly levitated itself above the boy. Naruto's voice came from inside.

"**Yo."**

Sasuke wondered if this was what the back of his throat tasted like.

NTNTNTNTNT

Sakura stared at the hovering contraption in front of her. She had just seen Naruto explode into nothing. And now this strange thing was talking in his voice?

"N-Naruto?"

"**The one and only."**

"What…Is that really you? This…ball?"

"**No, silly."** The orb shook in a good mimicry of laughter. **"This is a just a way for me to communicate with you guys without being spotted by Kakashi-sensei. I call it the Karasu."**

"But…but how did you find us when sensei hasn't yet?"

"I put a tracer on you. Or rather, had you ingest one."

Sakura's mouth went dry. "The ramen?"

"**Hole in one. Man, I guess that's why you're the top kunoichi in our class."**

Sakura had to stop herself from blushing. Even though it wasn't a compliment from Sasuke, and it _was_ one from Naruto, she still appreciated the praise. It wasn't often she got it other than from the teachers. "But…the tracer. Are we…?"

Naruto anticipated her question. **"Nah, you don't have to worry about it. It should dissolve in the next couple of hours or so and be completely harmless in passing. But man, I couldn't believe my luck that you guys hadn't eaten. I was worried I might have to trick you or something."**

Sakura found herself snorting. "Really. _You?_ Trick _us?_"

"**You **_**are**_** talking to the number one prankster in Konoha. I could trick one of the Inuzuka's inunin to hand over all their bones."** The ball bobbed up and down for a second. **"But that's not important. Right now, I need your help…"**

NTNTNTNTNT

Sasuke petulantly blew air out his nose. "Me? Help you? And why should I?"

"**Because if you don't, **_**none**_** of us will pass."**

This struck the Uchiha scion to the core. He blew his cheeks out and sighed. "Explain."

"**Think about it. We were put into a three man team, but one of us is 'supposedly' going to fail. Yet all the other teams we've ever seen have three people in it. It doesn't add up. Why would they bother to break us up into squads just so we could go at each others' throats? It's not Konoha's style."**

Sasuke thought about it for a second. The dobe had a point. Even though he himself was enough to beat Kakashi and steal a bell, it didn't matter if the overall goal of the test was something different entirely. He would win the battle only to lose the war.

Uchihas did not lose wars, they ended them.

"So you think he's trying to cause dissention in the ranks for a reason?"

"**For something. Think about it. What would we gain by working together if only two of us would pass?"**

Sasuke pieced the shards together. Slowly, it came to him. "He's running us through team dynamics, tandem tactics. He wants us to work together despite the risk that we may not all make it."

He could _feel_ the smile being transmitted through the communication device.

"**Exactly. So what will it be, Sasuke? Shall we fall apart, or smoosh Kakashi like a bug? Is it worth it to achieve your dream?"**

The boy squared his shoulders and jaw. He would do anything, even if it meant accepting another's weight on his shoulders, if it meant he could catch up to and surpass Itachi.

"What's the plan?"

NTNTNTNTNT

"So, you just want me to watch Kakashi-sensei?"

"**No, I want you to **_**shadow**_** him. I want his every movement, every step, every turn. I want the exact measurement he walks, the exact angle of his path. **_**Everything**_**."**

"But why me?" He voice had obvious hints of self dissatisfaction.

"**Because you're the best when it comes to mathematics. Simply think of it as geometry. Gauge the way he moves, and then predict based on the facts. If anyone can do it, I know you can, Sakura-chan. And also…"** The orb moved a bit closer. **"Think how impressed Sasuke-kun will be with you."**

That clinched it for her. If it meant Sasuke would acknowledge her then she would do it.

"I understand."

"**Good, then we'll start on my command."**

NTNTNTNTNT

Naruto knelt next to the clone who was interacting with Sasuke. They both were equipped with wireless transceivers, using both them and the Karasu to hold a…four-way conversation.

He was glad they were listening to him so easily. Then again, it was the first rule to apply when trying to negotiate or manipulate underlings or enemies.

Find out what their buttons are, and then push them like hell.

The kage bunshin he had set out against Kakashi was a good distraction when he set the mini cameras/communication tools out to find his hidden comrades. Though the way it had been dispelled was not pleasant. He still felt the phantom pains around his rear.

Oh yeah, he was going to pay Kakashi back for that.

To be honest, with the way he planned this out, he really didn't need either of the genins' help. With the kage bunshin, he could do it all on his own without having to worry about their thought patterns. But then that would destroy the entire purpose of this experiment.

Naruto wanted to test their abilities, wanted to see what they could do and how much. Also, if he did not work with them, how could he expect them to be loyal minions?

No, it would not do at all to ignore the two.

Forming a mental 3D image and map of the surrounding area, Naruto pinged Kakashi's location and the various sigils placed all over. Nodding to his clone, which smiled in affirmation, he spoke back into his mouthpiece. "Alright then, Sakura-chan. Let's get started."

"We'll show Kakashi-sensei just how strong we really are." His clone echoed to Sasuke in turn.

"And when it's all said and done."

"He'll see why we deserve to be more than just genin."

"We'll conquer all before us."

"**Experiment initiated."**

NTNTNTNTNT

Kakashi was bored. None of his "students" were coming out to play. Sure, he got a little bit of fun with that clone, but it was still just a clone – nothing more than a copy. Even so, it was a kage bunshin, something he did not expect from the recorded "dead-last." Sarutobi's words came flittering back to him.

"_It would be best not to underestimate him."_

But what could he expect from someone who only stayed and hid? Flipping his Icha Icha book open, he giggled as the perverse storyline engulfed him.

Something moved. Kakashi looked down to see a small orb rolling next to his foot. Barely larger than a couple marbles put together, it didn't appear to threatening. But then he remembered the reports with Mizuki's personal introduction to a bomb blast and the explosion he was caught in earlier, escaping only through a kawarimi.

He jumped through the air as it exploded, scorching the earth. Landing softly, he cursed when a click was heard. Dashing to the side, several kunai pierced through where he once was. When he stopped to measure his surroundings, the tree behind him caught fire.

It wasn't long before his entire surroundings were a pyroclastic vision of death. No matter where he moved to, some trap was set off. The constant stream of bright lights and loud sounds were doing wonders for keeping his senses all tangled up. He could hardly look one way before being distracted or have his concentration broken by something else.

He barely even noticed Sasuke leveling an axe kick at his face until his arm instinctively came up to block.

Sasuke let out the dreaded and pompous Uchiha smirk.

"You seem surprised…sensei."

NTNTNTNTNT

Sakura squealed as she saw her Sasuke-kun put the nails to the silver-haired jounin. He was so _cool!_

And Naruto was almost as amazing. He had listened to her every word, following her directions to where Kakashi moved and shifted. Then he activated the traps set ahead of time. With every step, Kakashi was caught off guard by another trap, twirling the man in a lethal merry-go-round.

Maybe they could really do this. They could actually beat a senior jounin, one of the elite!

She saw Sasuke twist down in a contortionist's manner, almost touching the bells. He did it! Sasuke-kun did it!

Her joy dwindled when Kakashi lurched backwards, avoiding Sasuke's fingertips. No! All that work, all that Naruto had helped with!

Naruto had actually done something! And it was ruined as Kakashi would now be on guard!

Sakura's eyes widened more when she saw it.

Naruto was at Kakashi's back, palms outstretched.

NTNTNTNTNT

Kakashi grunted as he felt a two-palmed strike smash into his back. He hadn't noticed one of the others sneaking up, so focused on Sasuke and disoriented by the traps. He twisted his body and tumbled to the ground. Skidding a couple feet, he got to his knees.

Sasuke was panting lightly, Naruto slapping him briskly on the back. Kakashi's one visible eye widened. Did they get the bells?

Chancing a look, he found that, yes, the silver musical items were still attached at his waist. He heaved a small sigh of relief. It wouldn't do to be defeated so easily by a bunch of snot-nosed brats. Kakashi let out a grin.

"Oooh, so close. Looks like your plan failed. Though I have to admit, it was rather unexpected."

Sasuke growled but stopped when Naruto put a hand on his shoulder. Looking up, he saw the blonde had a look of victory on his face. What was the boy planning?

"You think so? Because from my perspective, it looks like our win."

"You don't have the bells. Sasuke wasn't able to steal them."

"He wasn't supposed to." The other two males looked at him in surprise. "I mean sure, it would have been great if it worked out that easily, but I doubted it would have." Naruto put his hands behind his head. "Sasuke may be good and all, but he's still just a genin. Even against someone with their eyes and ears tied up like yours, he wouldn't win with just taijutsu."

Sasuke growled at the indirect insult but said nothing. He wanted to see where the blonde was going with this.

"For a _distraction_, however, compounded upon all those traps, he's perfect."

Kakashi felt his mouth gape. He…he… "You _used_ them? You used your teammates? That's not what an honorable shinobi does."

"I didn't use them, I employed their skills. They made this choice all on their own." He turned and waved. They turned to see a surprised Sakura approaching them with the flying Karasu at her side and a kage bunshin. The clone gave a thumbs up before popping. Naruto waited for the pinkette to arrive. "Sakura, with her analytical skills, gave me your position at all times. It was how I knew where and when to spring my traps. Sasuke, with his superior physical abilities, kept you busy so I could land a sneak attack. And I placed the final blow and learned how to bring our teamwork to the fullest."

"But that doesn't mean you won."

"Well, yeah, it kinda does. That palm strike? It wasn't meant to do harm." Naruto's smile drooped into a malevolent leer. "It was meant to seal your fate. You know fuuinjutsu, right, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Yes…" He didn't like the way this was heading…

"Then you should know how seals can be applied to any situation, from storage space to attack capabilities. At the moment, you have a seal on your back that, when I activate it, will shock you at about the same level you've received from my darling Naru-kuns. In other words…"

Naruto raised a hand, pressing his thumb and forefinger together. "You're nothing but a giant lightning rod. We win. We _all_ win."

Kakashi narrowed his eyes. "You're bluffing."

"Wanna find out?" Naruto grinned, rubbing his fingers back and forth.

Sasuke and Sakura watched in suspense. They could not believe this was _Naruto_ standing before them, threatening to electrocute their sensei with mere movement of the hands.

Kakashi and Naruto stayed in that staring contest for almost a minute before the jounin shook his head and chuckled. "All right, brat, you win. Here." He unhitched the bells and tossed them. "You pass. You _all_ do." He turned around. "Now get this seal off my back!"

Naruto grinned and tossed the bells back to Sasuke and Sakura who caught it with surprise. He then made his way over to Kakashi and placed his hands on the man's back. A pulse of chakra formed and a blue seal appeared on the man before disintegrating away. Naruto clapped his hands together before announcing it done.

Kakashi could _feel_ the seal being stripped off. "Crap, kid, you weren't kidding? You were going to fry me if I didn't give them up."

He winked. "A good shinobi always keeps one step ahead. Welcome to the Chikamichi jutsu. It allows me to plant seals with only the use of my chakra. Quick formation, devastating effect."

Sasuke finally broke out of his stupor. "Dobe…Naruto…Naruto-dobe." He felt it fine to call the boy that – his actual name but still with the recognition of his place. "Teach me that technique." If he had that power, he could keep his brother off guard and then kill him.

Naruto pursed his lips together. He held a hand with all the fingers extended. "Five."

"Eh?"

"Five years to learn it. Two for learning basic fuuinjutsu, another two for more advanced study, and one for the actual technique. That's how long it took for its creation. Then you actually have to memorize each particular seal down to the tiniest detail. Absolute perfection. That usually takes a week for each one."

Sasuke was poleaxed. Five years? Five years for one technique? He didn't have the time for that, and he didn't think Naruto was joking on the matter. Sure, the Sharingan (once he obtained it) could copy most jutsus on sight, but fuuinjutsu was an art that required heavy study and research – something the Sharingan was not built for.

"How many seals have you created?"

"Over a hundred, I guess?"

One hundred weeks. Almost two years…

Sasuke snickered. He couldn't believe the almost zen tenacity of the boy. "Maybe you aren't as stupid as you look."

"Or sound."

"Or act."

"Hey! I…" Naruto closed his mouth. "Actually, I can't really argue against that." The others laughed at his admission. He whistled softly and the Karasu floated over to him. He clicked his tongue and they dove into his open coat pockets.

Kakashi watched in subdued awe. "And those are?" He did not recognize the devices the boy had used. They were more advanced than other ninja tools he'd seen.

"You can call them part of my own special brand of techniques, the Kinzoku jutsu."

"And those are?"

"That…is a secret."

Kakashi sighed. "Of course. Then would you mind telling me this? How did you figure out the real point of the exam?" The others looked at him as well, interested in his guesswork.

Naruto pulled a book from his pack and thumbed to a page bookmarked. "Kakashi Hatake, jounin. _'Those that disobey the rules are trash, but those that abandon their allies for the rules are even lower.'_" He snapped the book shut. "For someone who quoted this in their section of the bingo book, you have to guess that he values teamwork more than anything else."

"I see…" Kakashi chuckled. Oh, if only Rin, Obito, and sensei could see him now, being lectured at by a boy not even half his age. They would never stop teasing him. "If that's the case, then fine, you're now all officially genin. Congratulations."

A cheer went throughout the newly minted nins. Sakura hugging Sasuke who hoped she'd stop soon and Naruto just dancing some stupid little jig.

"But-!" They stopped abruptly. "Now that I've seen what you're capable of, I guess that means I don't have to go easy or play safe." The man cracked the joints in his knuckles, his eye still caught in that same inverted U.

"I am going to _break_ you."

Nothing was said until Naruto fell into a giant whoop, laughing like it was the end of the world.

It was here that Sakura and Sasuke realized something.

They were screwed.

Naruto was also now legally bat-shit crazy.

Oh yes, they were very, _very_ screwed.

A/N: Second chapter get! This took me a while to type, as I've been busy with work and home so I rarely have time to just sit at my computer, and when I do I'm so exhausted from everything else I don't want to write. Ha! Hope people like the way I altered the bell test. Wanted something other than the usual "you pass because I pity you." Also, I hope people are noticing the new dynamics shone between the characters. Enjoy that too.

Oh, and before I forget, I wanted to publicly thank my beta-readers Firefly25 and Raithe. Raithe actually helped to beta-read the first chapter of "Nin Tech," and me, being an idiot, forgot to mention him. So…thank you! Other than that I don't have much else to say. So in this case…

Please Review, and remember, no flames!

New Jutsu

**Karasu (Raven)** – Small floating orbs (about the size of an average person's fist) that double as recording and communication devices. They float via subtle wind jutsus that propel air in various directions to keep them afloat and a gyroscope to keep them stabilized in the air and not tumble every which way.

**Chikamichi (Shortcut)** – Naruto can create seals without the need to actually draw them by supplanting them on objects via the use of mentally sketched chakra images. The jutsu is activated by clapping his hands together and pressing both palms against the object while visualizing the desired seal (ex. Shortcut: B-Ver.15). They are then activated by snapping his fingers, thereby sending a pulse of chakra which resonate specifically with each made seal.

_Next Chapter: Explosions Make Everything Better!_


	3. Explosions Make Everything Better!

Disclaimer: Why would I bother owning Naruto? It's too troublesome…

**Nin Tech****  
Chapter 3: Explosions Make Everything Better!  
By Irritus185**

It was just another day in Konoha.

Okay, maybe there were just a _few_ differences.

The figure leaped far above the streets of Konoha, silver hair rustling in the wind. Though it couldn't be seen under the mask perpetually covering his face, Kakashi's mouth was twisted into a definite half-scowl. Looking below him, he could already see the citizens making their daily rounds as he quite literally bounded across the tops of the buildings.

He just didn't understand it. Here he was, looking for one of his idiot genin. Him – the great copy-nin Kakashi Hatake! And all because that little blonde brat was late! How dare he be late!

Kakashi had even only showed up two hours late this time instead of his customary three!

But Naruto hadn't showed hide or hair of himself at team seven's meeting ground for nearly a half-hour after his arrival and was now considered late, something that no confident or proud shinobi would do.

Yes, Kakashi obviously chose to ignore the irony in this thought.

It had been one week since he had become the jounin instructor of team seven, and he was no closer to understanding the enigma that was the insane jinchuuriki than when the boy had first nearly blown him up. The Hokage wasn't joking when he had said that Naruto was troublesome. It was like trying to hold a tsunami inside a jam jar only to be surprised when the jar shattered and you got swept away.

No matter what Kakashi did, he just could not seem to pick apart Naruto's thought process. Sasuke and Sakura were simple by comparison; one was driven by revenge and the other by idol worship. But Naruto…Naruto…

The boy did not have one single button that could be consistently pressed. He switched between reason and chaos at the drop of a hat, and more than once Kakashi found himself wondering just what the hell he had gotten himself into.

He remembered a few things that had happened earlier in Naruto's childhood when he was chosen as an ANBU bodyguard. The mayhem, the mischief, the horror…and, ye gods, the random explosions…

It was hard not to see the Kyuubi inside Naruto as the preteen was such an obvious pyromaniac.

Why Naruto had been making paper airplanes out of explosive tags he'd never know, but Kakashi prayed that Naruto's…creative imagination wouldn't attempt something like a small-scale aerial assault on the merchants' sector again.

This was part of the reason for the hellish training of Kakashi's team. For the past week he had been whipping them into shape through a grueling training regiment that would make Maito Gai cry youthful tears of joy. Running fifty laps around Konoha followed by a dozen sets of one hundred pushups, sit-ups, squats, etc. was the _basic_ plan. With time, he would keep boosting their physical training until just their basic taijutsu would make them absolute monsters. Add to that their daily D-rank missions and the little shinobi and kunoichi should have been utter darlings as they passed out from fatigue.

But that little empty-headed brat just would not…go…_down!_ Unlike his teammates who seemed on the verge of exhaustion only halfway through their initial training, Naruto was still as fresh as a daisy throughout the entire practice. He actually looked _excited_ over the idea of more torture-sorry-_training._ Kakashi could not understand it. Naruto had more stamina than most chunin combined! What horrible past deeds had Kakashi done to be stuck with the equivalent of a supernova as one of his pupils?

How could he possibly show his tenderness and caring nature as a teacher if the child refused to break down into a blubbering, vomiting mess?!

He wanted his petty revenge, _damn it!_

And on top of Naruto's incredible endurance, the various "quirks" that pervaded his personality were like the deadly poison found on a nail-encrusted baseball bat. Like his sleeping disorder…

A chill wind blew.

Kakashi shivered in mid-bound as that memory came up. He _really_ wished he had read the documents on Naruto's progress in the academy, but he had originally believed that controlling the little munchkin would be an easy task.

Oh, how wrong was he.

It was during their third day as a team. Kakashi had decided to give a quick lecture on the advantages of teamwork between the genin when he was rudely interrupted by a subtle snoring emanating from Naruto. Looking over at him, Kakashi was both amused and irked by what he saw.

The blonde had fallen asleep on his feet! Well, he couldn't have that, now could he? He'd just have to show him who was the student and who was the sensei. If _only_ he had taken note of how Sakura and Sasuke were quickly inching away from the sleeping blonde, he could have saved himself a lot of trouble, time, and pain.

Kakashi hadn't.

The result was obvious.

Reaching over to flick the boy on the forehead, and thus wake him up, Kakashi found himself experiencing the all-too-delightful sensation of spontaneous combustion.

No signs, no flare of chakra, nothing. Just one second perfectly inert, and the next perfectly swathed in flames and screaming as he threw himself into the stop, drop, and roll maneuver.

And Naruto just slept through the entire event while Sakura and Sasuke fled.

There was _still_ a small patch on his left thigh that wouldn't grow hair after the intense inferno brought down upon him. From then on, Kakashi made sure to look up _any_ information he could find on Naruto.

He was sure he would live a long and healthy life if he did so. Plus, his Icha-chan wouldn't have to suffer the consequences of his negligence. Oh…poor Volume Twenty-Two. Nami-chan would so hate him for being so very, very careless.

There were also those kinzoku jutsu to consider. Kakashi had no idea where Naruto had discovered them, but it was clear to him that such technology was very rare in Konoha and probably in all the elemental countries as well. Even the chakra armor and mechanical devices used in Snow country had nothing on the intricacies that he could glean from the few times he had seen the items.

What were they? How did Naruto know of them? How could he even create such wondrous tools? Kakashi had a million questions and no answers for them. Naruto was extremely secretive about his inventions, giving only capricious grins and half-delirious riddles in response to Kakashi's probing. Kakashi had even thought about making it an order for Naruto to explain everything. He was now the jounin's soldier, after all, and would have to tell all so that Kakashi could make an accurate assessment of his skills. And yet…he hadn't announced the order.

Why?

Maybe it was because Kakashi himself wasn't able to bring himself to share all of his skills with his own jounin sensei; maybe it had to do with the strict dressing-down Sarutobi had given him prior to his first meeting with his team.

Or maybe it had to with the fact that Kakashi was actually scared of what the answer would entail. If Naruto was a psycho from fiddling with such devices, what effect would they have on Kakashi?

Icha Icha Icha Icha Icha Icha Icha Icha Icha…

Tee-hee. _Cough_, right, moving on.

Kakashi slowed to a stop as he reached his destination. Looking in front of him, he stared at the perilous Uzumaki mansion – eight floors of psychotic crazies, metallic monsters, and unknown atrocities. The apartment building loomed over its neighbors, waiting to devour any who showed weakness. Hell, it even had the obligatory ominous clouds sparking with lightning above-

Wait, what? The hell?

There actually _were_ thunder clouds above the building, and _only_ above _that_ building. They hovered a couple meters directly over the roof, none floating any further than perhaps a few feet out from the roof's edge. It was like they were there exactly for the purpose of adding a foreboding atmosphere.

Kakashi suppressed the shiver traveling down his spine. There was just something so _wrong_ with this scene. Shaking his head, he leapt across the street to an open window. Kakashi meticulously scanned the room before he was adequately satisfied.

"Good, no traps, and those little metal freaks aren't anywhere to be-"

"**Yo! Bakashi-sensei!"**

"Huh?"

Kakashi looked down only to have something slam into his face, bursting upon contacting and splashing him with some viscous and unknown liquid. He blinked once, twice, and then wiped his face off. In front of him was one of the Naru-kuns, J by the letter hammered on its chest, standing at attention with a large barrel sticking part-way out of its mouth. The barrel receded, and the Naru-kun gave a crisp salute with its stubby arms.

"**Welcome! Would you like a complimentary towel with your greeting?"** Kakashi didn't know if it was possible, but he could swear that the clank was smirking at him.

"Why you little-" He was cut off again as a small hand towel smacked into his face. Growling, he tore it off only to discover that the Naru-kun had disappeared somewhere back into its villainous hive.

"**Please enjoy your stay here at Naruto, Inc., future ruler of the world. When finished, fill out the suggestion card so that we can make your next visit more enjoyable. Have a nice day!"**

Kakashi glanced at the towel, which actually did have a little suggestion card neatly tucked into a side pocket. On it were various questions like, "Did you enjoy your visit?", "Would you like to join us in world domination?", and "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck with a chainsaw and five pounds of TNT?"

Tearing the card into as many pieces as he could, Kakashi forced himself to calm down as he slowly wiped his face of with the towel. This time it looked like rainbow-colored paint. Last time he had come it was tar and feathers, and the time before that it was heavy duty catnip in spray form.

The kitties…Oh those amorous kitties…

He clenched his fist tightly and ground his teeth together. Oh, he would get those little monsters. He would make them pay; especially that J one. He would enjoy putting a chidori through its metallic little heart, over and over again…

Shaking his head, Kakashi directed himself back to the task at hand. First he had to find his AWOL student…_then_ he could disassemble J into as many individual parts as possible before tossing them into the fires of Mt. Hanrou in Earth country. _That_ would teach the little bugger!

His head swiveled to one side as something caught his ears. It sounded like muffled laughter and giggling. Following the sound, Kakashi walked down the hallway and one flight of stairs before he saw what looked like smoke sifting out a door. His ninja training kicking into high gear, Kakashi dashed to the door and kicked it open, thanking the heavens that his mask didn't just make him look cool and impress the ladies but also doubled as a filter.

"Naruto!" he shouted, fearing the fool had finally blown himself to pieces. "You in here?!" He wasn't sure if what he found actually assuaged his fears or just made brand new ones. "Gurk!"

Naruto was okay, albeit apparently stoned out of his mind. What really screwed the image up was that Anko – bloody ex-apprentice of the traitor Orochimaru, stab-stabbity-stabby fetishist, and all-around sadistic sociopath Anko – was in the same state and also molesting said jinchuuriki as she tickled him mercilessly in places people nearly twice your age should not tickle.

Now normally, in a situation like this, Kakashi would just liken it to something he found in the Icha Icha series and giggle absently. But there was something about this image that just touched some deep primal facet of him, something that just screamed "WRONG! OH, _GODS_ SO WRONG!" So he could not, he simple could not. Instead, his jaw went slack and he just stared as the Wrongness continued.

Naruto's giggling trailed off as he finally noticed another occupant in the room. "Oh, hee-hee, hey, Kakashi-sensei, bwa-ha-ha-ha! What-what are you, scheetn, doing here? You wanna get in on this, heh, too?"

"Nooo…~" Anko whined throatily as she groped at the blonde. "You're all mine, Naru-chan! No one else…~"

Kakashi subtly closed his mouth and put his fingers to his forehead while his brain tried to process and then delete what he was seeing. "Naruto, what in the nine hells are you doing?"

"Just a – Anko-hime, stop that! – just an experiment, hiiiii, gone awry. I was playing with chemicals and Anko-hime – hey, not _there_ – decided to surprise me, and…" The boy's lips trembled and he suddenly cut himself off as he fell into tumultuous laughter, Anko taking the opportunity to pin him to the floor.

"And…?" Kakashi didn't know why he was just standing there while Anko was trying to deflower Konoha's greatest secret and deadliest citizen, but he figured that, despite the sheer wrongness of it all, every shinobi deserved to get it on with a hot, older kunoichi.

Kakashi has a very skewed sense of morals and ethics. A lifetime of reading nothing but porn will do that to you.

"Nitrous oxide," Naruto managed to gasp out before he succumbed to Anko's attacks.

Laughing gas. The boy was wasted off his ass with laughing gas. Kakashi took a quick glance around, and for the first time noticed that the room they were in swarmed with all kinds of beakers, test tubes and chemicals. A fat stack of papers, books, and such was piled off to the side of the room, mirrored by a large blackboard that had several chemical equations scribbled haphazardly on the opposite side of the room. Naruto must have been doing something with chemistry when Anko ambushed him and then, well…

Boom.

Seeing that the windows were shut tight and he had to kick the door in, it wasn't surprising that the two got wasted so damn easily.

"Okay, that's enough playing around. We have to get back to your teammates and…" Kakashi blinked when he noticed that Naruto was no longer there and Anko was leering at him intently. What just happened?

"Hey, look, I'm Kakashi!" The jounin turned around to see Naruto dancing recklessly as he covered his mouth with a cloth and held a familiar orange book in his hand. Kakashi instinctively grasped at the pocket where he kept it, his lone visible eye widening when he didn't feel it there and locking onto Naruto. "I read pornographic material in highly inappropriate situations!"

Anko snorted drunkenly and clapped her hands together at the younger male's imitation. Kakashi's ire grew but he swallowed it and put on his infamous U-smile. The Uzumaki was going to pay for that. Dashing forward, he stole the novel back and shoved it into his pants quicker than Naruto could blink. The boy reacted by jumping forward and hiding behind Anko, smiling smugly at the older shinobi. Then he did something Kakashi would never expect him to do.

He groped Anko's boobs.

Initiate bodily harm.

In the span of a second, Naruto's body suddenly became filled with kunai. He had a look of glee and amused surprise on his face before he exploded into a puff of smoke. Anko had a disappointed look on her face, absently licking a kunai she had impaled the clone with.

"Aww…poo. I wanted to have some more fun."

"You seem to have become a lot more affectionate since you found out I might not always die from your advances, huh, Anko-hime?"

Anko frowned. "It's just my way of showing my love, Naru-chan."

"Heh, as you wish."

Kakashi turned around to see Naruto clad in his normal apparel, a thin pair of glasses resting on his nose. What looked like a mechanical fox was strewn across his shoulders, and he was holding a mug of coffee in his right hand, an open notebook in his other. "Yo, Kakashi-sensei," he said, taking a sip. "What're you doing here?"

Kakashi blinked. A clone? That entire time he was talking to a clone? He knew kage bunshin was an amazing technique, and even he used it from time to time, but he had never kept a single clone active long enough to see how close it was to the original personality. But Naruto…He grinned internally at the possibilities. Heh, he was going to have more fun with this team than he initially thought.

Staying in his U-smile mode, Kakashi addressed Naruto. "So, are you the real one, or am I just wasting my time again?"

"You'll just have to find that out yourself."

"I suppose I could just stab you, but I don't think Hokage-sama would be very pleased with that course of action."

"Eh, jiji would forgive ya. Lord knows he's considered it more than once."

"You're late, you know."

"Eh? Really?" Naruto pushed up his sleeve and look at something on his wrist. "I could have sworn I had another ten minutes or so before you showed up with your customary tardiness. Guess that's my bad then, huh?"

"That's fine; consider it a warning for now. But if you ever show up even later than me again, I'll double your physical training for the next month."

"Ooh! Ooh! Can you make me run with a boulder tied to my back?! I've always wanted to try that before!"

Kakashi stopped himself from palming his face. Good lord, was the kid distantly related to Gai in some way? He really didn't want to know. And speaking about not wanting to know… "I probably shouldn't be asking this, but did you know you have a thunderstorm that seems to be attracted to your apartment building?"

"Oh, that? It's an experimental controller for localized weather patterns which-Wait, did you say it actually worked?!" Naruto phased out of existence, and the only warnings Kakashi had was the slight pop associated with air being pulled into a vacuum in space, the coffee cup, notebook, and Metaru crashing to the ground, and the slamming of wood against metal. Looking behind him, he saw Naruto stick his head out the window, whooping and hollering up a storm.

"Yes! I knew I could do it! They laughed when I said I could control the very forces of nature! Well, who's laughing now Plato?! Who's laughing now, Einstein?! Who's laughing now, Goodall?! Me, that's who! Bwahahahahaha! I'm the one that's laughing! Bwahahaha-!"

He was silenced when the window was bathed in a ring of light and thunder crashed its way through the building. Naruto slowly pulled his head back in, his face a charcoaled mess, his glasses shattered, and his hair smoldering slightly. Coughing out a plume of smoke, he frowned sadly. "Awww…I was going for typhoon, not squall. Looks like it's back to the drawing board for me…"

Kakashi couldn't believe it. The boy had been struck by lightning and he was disappointed because it wasn't the natural disaster he wanted? That clinched it – the boy was certifiably insane.

Kakashi couldn't wait to see what crap the blonde thought up next.

"Huh, I didn't know you wore glasses though. They weren't in your medical files."

"Oh, these?" Naruto shrugged and tosses the shattered frames into a random trashcan. "They're just plain glass. But they make me look I have smarts in my brain goo, don't they?"

Right, just par for the course. Kakashi shook his head and smiled again. "Right. Well, we have to get back to the others. We're late enough as it is."

Naruto nodded. He waved goodbye to Anko as he climbed onto the open windowsill. "See ya, Anko-hime. Try not to destroy too much of my labs while I'm gone."

"I promise nothing."

"Eh, good enough for me. C'mon, sensei! Let's go!" He then proceeded to not jump but fall out the window…head first.

Kakashi's mind suddenly filled with fear. "Shit!" With a leap, he followed after the plummeting Uzumaki.

Anko watched lazily as Metaru climbed into her lap, begging for a good petting. She acquiesced easily enough, barking out orders all the while. "Yo, metal-boya!"

A Naru-kun popped out of nowhere. **"What is it you desire, mistress?"**

"Sake and dango! And it better be here in the next five minutes or I'll shove ya into the building's electrical circuits!"

"**As you wish, mistress!"**

Anko laid back as the clank frantically fulfilled her wishes. Ah, servants at her beck and call, and a cute, luscious playtoy to answer her every carnal need. Now all she had to do was dispose of that ramen girl and she would have Naru-chan all to herself. Bitch was hella dangerous with that ladle of hers though. Regardless, she would defeat her and take the boytoy all for herself.

Her wicked laughter filled the room.

Naruto smiled as he heard deranged mirth echoing from above him. Ah, it looked like Anko was having a good time already. He would have to do a full debugging on his Naru-kuns after her visit. Somehow their programming always seemed to go a little wonky whenever she came over. The air whooshed by him as he continued to fall. Huh, it'd probably be best if he did something soon, lest he have an impromptu meeting with the not-so-far-below ground.

Swiping a hand over his leg, Naruto gave a quick command. "Kinton: Ukabeita!"

Runes flashed wildly as the board materialized with a burst of chakra, Naruto's feet cementing themselves to its upper side. Tilting the nose up, jets of wind chakra erupted from below, changing his angle and velocity so suddenly that the ground and sky switched places and Naruto found himself rocketing into the sky. "Hi, Kakashi-sensei!" he greeted cheerily at the shocked jounin. With another flare of chakra, the Ukabeita picked up speed, and Naruto zoomed down the streets, deftly slaloming between startled civilians, and occasionally riding the walls of building to avoid traffic completely.

Kakashi followed at a quick clip. The jinchuuriki never ceased to amaze him. Whatever it was he was riding was going extremely fast. He himself wasn't going as fast as he could, but he definitely had to use chakra to amplify his leg muscles to keep up. When he finally came side by side with Naruto, he let out a cheeky grin. "And what might you call this invention?"

Naruto gave a harsh bark as did a flip over a rather tubby merchant. "Ukabeita – for when ya wanna travel in style!"

"And what about your relationship with Anko?"

"That, my dear sensei…" Naruto winked and put a finger to his mouth in a lazy drawl. "Is a secret!"

With that, Naruto sped up even more, quickly moving out of Kakashi's sight. The jounin shook his head. He just knew that things would only get even wilder from this point on.

He grinned. It was the kind of grin he hadn't used since his ANBU days. A grin that spelled trouble and suffering for all that came in contact with him.

Oh yes…he just couldn't wait.

NTNTNTNTNT

"Ah, my worthy archenemy! So we finally meet again! It has been many a day since we saw each other last!"

"…"

"Oh, I see you're giving me the silent treatment again! As expected of the one who acts as the only barrier between me and my goals!"

"…"

"Very well! Now…we must kung fu fight!"

"…is…is he claiming a rivalry with…with a cat?"

"He's so frickin' retarded."

Sakura and Sasuke looked on in dumb fascination as Naruto settled into a taijutsu stance in front of the striped cat. What…what the hell was wrong with the kid? And why was the cat staring back at him with clear intent to follow through on the challenge?

Kakashi was doing his best to force back the laughter that was battering at his mouth to escape while keeping his balance on the tree branch. This…this was better than he could ever hope for! Naruto facing off against a cat, and the cat readying itself in turn! No one could come up with this stuff!

Team seven had just received their D-rank mission for the day. Unfortunately, it was to recapture the Fire Damiyo's wife's cat, Tora, who had escaped yet again for the umpteenth time. Catching Tora was considered a rite of passage for all aspiring shinobi, as the cat (and it looks like a cat the same way a katana looks like a butter knife) was unanimously considered more ferocious, ornery, and deadly than most A-class ninjas. If you could catch the cat without gaining some sort of injury, you would be ready for anything. Kakashi wondered how old the damn thing was, as even he had to capture Tora in his own genin days.

Though…he had heard rumors in recent months that the Konoha council was considering upgrading the Tora mission to B-rank. How or why, he did not know.

What he did not expect was Naruto's reaction to the job description. As soon as Tora's name passed the Sandaime's lips, the boy's eyes had flared up wildly, his lips curled into a feral grin, and he started to spout nonsense about how it was fate and the like that had brought the two eternal enemies together again.

He hadn't stopped babbling about all his battles and exploits with the feline the entire time the cell had tracked Tora down. By this point in time, his other two teammates had become increasingly frightened and disturbed by his demeanor. Kakashi just thought it was funny as hell. All great ninja had one or two quirks. Naruto was just getting a step up on the crazy-o-meter.

Kakashi focused his attention back on the "fight" at hand. Neither Naruto nor Tora had moved from their spots, though Tora had taken a definite aggressive stance by raising his haunches and flattening his ears. It was a scene that would fit in a samurai epic.

Okay, not really.

The wind blew.

A leaf fell down between the two.

They disappeared.

That's when trees started turning into scrap paper.

Kakashi blinked. Huh. How…interesting.

NTNTNTNTNT

Sakura had no idea what to think at the time. She was supposed to catch a stupid cat, but her insane teammate ruined their carefully coordinated ambush by simply dashing out and issuing a duel. Luckily for her, the cat did not immediately run away, instead choosing to watch Naruto with a careful eye.

They had only been teammates for a couple weeks, and already Sakura was wishing for the boy's messy and horribly painful demise. Not only did he cause all of their missions to end in complete and utter chaos, but he was cutting into her time with her beloved Sasuke-kun!

Sasuke was constantly questioning the inventor about those techniques of his, resulting in him ignoring her even more than usual. And Naruto wouldn't even be a good kid and tell Sasuke all that he wanted! Sasuke spent his regal time with the unworthy boy, and Naruto didn't even appreciate it! How rude!

As soon as this mission was over, she was going to smack some good-old common sense into the blonde. There was no doubt in her mind that he needed it, and as long as Naruto wasn't asleep or in the middle of a mission or training, there was no danger involved. He took all his lumps with the greatest nonchalance, leading Sakura to speculate on exactly how the mad nin's brain worked.

Had she known how perilous Naruto's experiments usually were, she would have realized that a few bruises and cuts was nothing compared to blowing off an appendage or gaining a new orifice. As long as Naruto retained more than 66% use of all his limbs, he considered the damage minimal.

So, what was she supposed to do now? If anyone else moved, the cat would be spooked off and run and where the hell did Naruto and Tora go off to?

A sharp breeze whisked above her and a few leaves, thin sheets of bark, and strands of hair flitted into her vision. _Pink_ strands of hair.

Reaching above her, she felt at the top of her head. Okay, she wasn't going to go bald…That was good…Bald was bad…So what had-?

A low, hollow groaning noise filled the forest, and Sakura absently watched as the tree she was hiding behind slipped neatly off its trunk and fell to the ground with a resounding crash. The cut was smooth and tidy, like the wood had been made out of butter. And as far as she could tell, the same thing was happening to _many_ of the trees surrounding her.

_ Sakura/exe has performed an illegal function and must now shut down. Press any key to continue._

Sakura giggled vapidly and passed out.

NTNTNTNTNT

Idiot.

Moron.

Fool.

Imbecile.

Retard.

Cretin.

Bonehead.

And…and…Hnn. What was another word for a dull-witted dunce who couldn't follow a single order if his life depended on it? Oh wait, that was a good one.

"Dull-witted dunce."

Suffice to say, Sasuke was not entirely pleased with the situation he was currently placed in. While he also could not stand D-missions, as they gave no information or training in his quest to kill Itachi and restore his clan's honor and prestige, as an Uchiha, he still had to complete the assignment given to him in as quick and efficient a manner as possible.

Besides, the sooner it was over, the sooner he could get to more meaningful training.

But that…that…_dobe_ screwed up every mission team seven had taken thus far. Sure, they had completed each one, but not without massive collateral damage in either the sense of property destruction or mental trauma. Sasuke sneered to suppress the chill creeping through his bones at the thought of the last mission.

He didn't know the human body could _bend_ that way, or that it was so inherently flammable.

Naruto had to be hiding a lot behind that haphazardly loose smile of his. How else could he bring out device after device that performed so many destructive actions? There wasn't much variety among them, as every single one exploded at one point or another, but still, just the intensity of the explosions made it simple to figure out that those machines carried a great deal of force within them. How such power belonged to one of the stupidest members of the human race Sasuke would never know.

There was also the fact that Naruto himself was weak. Every time Naruto had a bout with either him or Sakura, Naruto would be soundly defeated. Except for his monstrous stamina, everything else physical about him was sub-par – speed, strength, reaction time, flexibility, everything! The blonde was weaker than most girls his age! His taijutsu style was a joke, a mockery of the academy's! There was nothing that could distinguish him as a ninja – nothing! The only thing promising about him were those blasted kinzoku jutsu of his!

Sasuke had to have that power to kill Itachi. He had to! But Naruto just wouldn't give it to him! Argh! It was so infuriating!

And now this fight with the mission's target? What was the dobe thinking?! How could he…

Sasuke's thought process swiftly changed as the forest was mowed down, as though by dozens of invisible lumberjacks.

Eyes widening, he looked around as gashes mysteriously carved themselves into the bark of the trees with no distinct origin. Both Naruto and the target had disappeared, and he couldn't sense either of them at all. Could they be the reason for this sudden tree-felling event?

Sasuke examined one of the gashes on the trees. Four parallel slashes, each about a couple inches deep and a few centimeters apart were randomly sliced across the bark. If Sasuke didn't know better, he'd say they looked like they were caused by some kind of animal. But the only known animal in the vicinity was the target, and he highly doubted that a housecat could cause such damage, vicious as it may be. So what exactly…?

"Ah, Tora! It seems that you have become stronger since the last time we met. I applaud you for that, but I'm afraid that this battle must now come to an end!"

Sasuke turned and saw that Naruto and the target had reappeared, both standing in the exact position that they had started. Naruto had thrust one arm out in a daring accusation, and Tora was staring back intently while licking a paw.

"Not even you can win against this justu! And so I-look, a huge bowl of milk and catnip!" Tora snapped his head in the direction Naruto was pointing, and Sasuke could have sworn he saw the cat wince at its own gullibility when it became obvious there was nothing there.

"Kinton: Inazuma Ami!" Naruto chucked a small capsule at the cat. A large, finely-woven net burst forth, swiftly expanding to encompass the feline. Tora struggled, clawing at the net to escape, but it was to no avail. Naruto grinned. "Ha! You can't escape that net! It's made up of a metal alloy that not even your titanium claws can rip through! But just in case…" Naruto snapped his fingers.

Tora lit up like a neon Christmas tree as several thousand volts of electricity coursed through him from the net.

Then he exploded.

The forest was quiet, each inhabitant watching in dull bafflement as the cat slowly smoldered. Naruto was the first to react, jumping forth and grabbing the cat, holding him in his arms as one would with a small child. Tears streamed down his face as he sobbed loudly for all to hear.

"No! What have I done?! It wasn't supposed to end this way! Tora! Toraaaaaaa!"

Yes, Naruto-dobe was truly the stupidest person in existence.

NTNTNTNTNT

Sarutobi rifled through the papers on his desk, checking on the mission reports for the new rookie teams that had just graduated. His eyes fell onto one, and he sighed in bitter amusement as the same name, written in bold, red letters, popped up again and again with details on its owner's escapades.

Blew up a water main while digging for sweet potatoes.

Set fire to a field to rid it of all weeds and vermin.

Gave children access to low-yield explosives to play "hot potato" with.

Bore a hole through two houses and one fruit cart with a high-pressure hose modified for painting.

Sarutobi chuckled as word of the old and new terror that held a tyrannical grip on Konoha rose steadily to the surface of the village's citizens. Naruto was certainly making an impression on everyone, one that was different from his original moniker of "demon child" and "fox brat." However, that didn't necessarily mean the new nicknames for him were any better.

Mad inventor. Explosive devil. Chaos nin.

Sarutobi picked up his pipe and took a long, lazy breath of tobacco. Puffing out a ring of smoke, he clenched the pipe between his teeth and swiveled around in his chair to face out the window from his office. From his position in the Hokage tower, he could see over all of Konoha – the Hyuuga compound, the merchants' market, the ninja academy, the mushroom cloud that was once training ground 34.

He blinked and leaned forward, squinting his eyes to see better. Yes, he could just barely out the scorched earth and a humongous crater as well as several trees that had been stripped clean from the force of the explosion.

Pausing for a second, Sarutobi turned back in his chair and started back on the paperwork, waiting for the inevitable call of the council to do something about the blonde jinchuuriki. He had a few things to discuss with them as well about the boy he considered his own grandchild.

He smiled. Perhaps Naruto's involvement in ANBU should be brought to light?

NTNTNTNTNT

Far below the Hokage tower, a one-eyed, one-armed, one-legged (scratch that last part) man sneezed. Why did it feel like someone had just walked over his grave?

NTNTNTNTNT

Piles of metal, electronics, and various scrap parts rose up like hastily slapped-together monoliths. The buzz of chakra and electricity was palpable in the air, charging the surroundings like one huge thunderstorm, waiting to unleash its energy on whoever dared to enter its domain.

The Junkyard was an odd sector of Konoha. No one knew how it came to be, or even when it appeared, but it was a fragment of the hidden village that had existed since even before Harashima Senjuu raised the trees that made up Konoha. People only knew that the Junkyard was a veritable hotspot of natural chakra emanations, one of many that were scattered all over the Elemental countries. Most hidden villages had a Junkyard, and each one was the same as this one.

For some odd reason, all forms of modern technology were originally discovered in the Junkyard. Televisions, refrigerators, radios, and like – anything that could be considered technologically advanced and required electricity were excavated from these sites. It was as if the machines simply popped into existence, because no matter how much collectors took, there were always more the next day or even as soon as they turned around. The general consensus was that, due to the high concentration of chakra, the Junkyard acted as a stationary summoning device, reaching into an alternative dimension to bring the machines into the Elemental countries.

Even decades after people searched through and became familiar with the Junkyard and its contents, there was still so much left unknown about technology. Very few people put in effort to understand more about it, and as a result, technology was viewed as little more than a replaceable resource. If a machine broke, it would simply be thrown back into the Junkyard and another would be found to replace it.

A wizened man with a thin head of hair and pudgy stature sighed as he fiddled with a washing machine, his oil-stained fingers aching with arthritis. The caretaker of the Junkyard was viewed as just as much an oddity as the place he looked after. Only known as Gizmo, he had been there for so long, people forgot what his origin or even his age was. Even Sarutobi could remember the man shuffling around the piles of mechanical devices when he was just a child.

Gizmo was a strange man, utterly involved in deciphering the mysteries of the Junkyard and its machines. He felt that technology could truly benefit mankind, and that they had to have a significant involvement with the world if they were found in so many places other than Konoha. It was too bad that no one else attempted to understand as well. He would be so happy if other people would join him in his quest. Gizmo was sure that by doing so, humanity would reach a new step in evolution.

Engineering was like a dance. It took a steady hand and a lot of finesse to properly work with machines. Each part was a beat, each connection a melody, and each result a step. You had to listen and feel rather than just look, and it was something that not everybody could learn to do perfectly. It was a slow process, and not many had the patience or the drive for it.

A smile crept onto his face as he plugged a hose into the appropriate inlet valve. Well, there was at least one person who held the same passion for machines as he did. Gizmo wondered when the boy would next visit.

"Yo, Gizmo-shishou! Got a request for ya!"

Ah, there he was. Gizmo turned as the door to his workspace slammed open, a grinning blonde entering and giving a sharp salute. The boy was dressed in his usual attire, but had an additional attachment in the form of a large, striped cat perched on his head and purring peacefully.

Naruto's grin grew even larger as he set eyes on the much older man. Gizmo had taught him almost everything he knew about machines. It seemed like it was just yesterday when he had been caught trying to pilfer some random parts from the Junkyard. But instead of a fierce scolding like he expected or perhaps even a beating, Gizmo had almost immediately begun to drill him on the generalities and finer aspects of mechanics, both surprising and pleasing the future inventor beyond words.

Gizmo was one of the few people Naruto could swear with all honesty he would do anything for. Gizmo actually cashed in on this reward quite often, but luckily it was almost always to have Naruto help him with some new device or perhaps to upgrade an already existing one, something he was all too happy to help with.

Gizmo nodded and stood up slowly, his bones creaking in protest. "Whut kin I do fer ya, young'in?"

"I need some extra supplies this week. I have to readjust all of Tora's implants after I fried them the other day."

The aforementioned cat yowled in agreement, biting the blonde on his head. Tora knew he was much stronger than the average cat thanks to the adjustments Naruto had made on his body, but having to go through upkeep so soon? He wouldn't allow the boy to forget his wrongdoings so easily.

Naruto laughed as titanium-coated teeth scratched against his skull. Heheh, that tickled! He still remembered the day he saved Tora from being a crippled kitty from one-too-many killer hugs. The first bionic cat – great in theory, but it required a lot of maintenance. "I need the processor from an X137-DII, a fifty-volt capacitor, several servos, and a buttload of rebar. Think ya have any of that in stock?"

Gizmo pursed his lips in thought as he walked towards his specially cared-for inventory list. "Duh last fyuh er easy, but I'm not so shur 'bout duh processer. Konoha ain't received many computers lately, at lease none that ain't 'ad thur components crashed upon entry." He flipped through the pages. "I do 'ave an X135, but I don' know if it'll work fer ya."

Naruto frowned as he tapped his foot on the linoleum floor. An older processor wouldn't be as precise, but he knew the X135 was considered much faster than its descendants. For the moment, he just had to use something to make sure all of Tora's implants would be in working order again, so as long as the cat didn't attempt to take on a samurai army, he was pretty sure it would fill the requirements. He nodded. "I can probably throw some other components together to make up for the discrepancies, so I'll take it. Thanks."

Gizmo nodded. "I'll put it on yer tab."

"Thanks." Naruto pointed at the washer. "Job?"

"No, it's actuerly a new version. Think it came ovur in duh last coupa days. Wanted ta see if it 'ad any new parts I cou' use."

"Ah, that's cool."

Gizmo let out a fond smile as Naruto inched over to the machine and stuck his head into it, his feet dangling over the edge as he balanced on the opening. Tora had decided to sharpen his claws on a two-inch thick slab of sheet metal, his enhanced nails making quick work of the impromptu scratching post. Gizmo considered the boy as his own grandson, if he had ever had children in the first place. Who cared if the boy was a jinchuuriki? As familiar with machines as he was, Gizmo knew that software and hardware were two completely different elements. Confusing one for the other was a rookie mistake, and a dumb one at that.

Besides, comparing Naruto to the Kyuubi was like comparing a monsoon to another…well, a more compact force of destruction. But at least the boy was likeable! Bright-eyed, enthusiastic, inquisitive – these were the makings of a great inventor and engineer. He just couldn't wait to see how Naruto would turn out. Speaking of which… "'Ow's duh ninjer business goin', young'in? Ya kill yer team yet?"

"Nah, they're still alive," Naruto called from inside the washer, his voice taking on a muffled echo effect. "Surprising really, they seem a bit soft for the ninja business. Did you know they've never seen a two-story house collapse when all of its support beams have been taken out with pinpoint charges of C4?"

"Ya removed duh filtar fer yer brain, din' ya?"

"But it's so much more fun when I don't think or care about the likely consequences of my actions! How can I take over the world when I think about all the people I'm likely to squash or blow up?"

"Yer a real piece of work, young'in. I'm proud ta know that someone I trained'll becum a vicious overlerd."

"I thank you for the compliment. When the world is mine, you will be spared from the coal mines and shall receive a lovely gift basket in gratitude."

Gizmo chuckled at Naruto's promise, and it grew to a full-blown laugh when the blonde fell straight into the washer, his surprised cry giving way to glee.

"Hey! A 500 ryo coin! Score!"

Shaking his head, Gizmo grabbed the back of Naruto's coat and pulled. Naruto flew backwards with a resounding pop and slammed into the ground. Naruto picked himself up and gave his head a shake. Gizmo rolled his eyes. "And yer jutsu? 'Ow they cumin' 'long?"

If possible, Naruto's smile increased in size. The corners of his lips strained terribly at his joy. "Great! Now that I can do kage bunshin, I have so much more time on my hands to create weapons of mass destruction! It's awesome!"

The elder snorted. "Kage bunshin, 'uh? Whut's that, some new invention of yers?"

Naruto's grin became malicious in nature. Plugging his fingers into the reverse ram seal, he called out the jounin-level technique. The room filled with smoke, slowly filtering away to reveal a dozen more of the boy. Gizmo blinked. Reaching a hand forward, he patted one of the clones on the chest. It puffed out, a prideful expression written across its features.

"So, what do ya think?"

With a deadpan look on his face, Gizmo pointed at the door. "All of ya, out. Yer organizin' duh entire Junkyerd."

The group of Narutos let out a synchronized, "Awwww…" Building things was fun, but they didn't want to _clean up_ more stuff, especially stuff they didn't mess up in the first place!

"Originul kin go. Others stay hur."

"Whoo! See ya suckers!"

Gizmo watched as Naruto clicked his heels together while the clones grumbled darkly. He pointed out to the Junkyard's storage building. "Duh processer's located in bunker A2. Ya know whur duh others er." He turned back to the washer. "Ya wanna cum back to 'elp me wit this, or er ya too busy latur?"

"Sorry, I've got some jobs of my own I've gotta do. Maybe tomorrow, but for now, I gotta go." Naruto gave another crisp salute, scooped Tora up in one arm, and walked halfway out the door. "See ya, Gizmo-shishou!" The door slammed again behind him.

Gizmo looked at the clones. "Well? Whut er ya waitin' fer?! Git out thur! I wunt duh Junkyerd spotless!"

They each raised a hand in compliance. "Roger, shishou!" With that, they quickly fled from the room, off to places and bodily injuries unknown.

Gizmo sighed in bemusement before focusing his attention back on the washer. "Now…on ta ya, me purty."

Tools burst from his hands, glittering in excitement and anticipation. Not a second to waste. The waltz had begun.

Parts went flying everywhere.

NTNTNTNTNT

Whistling filled the air amongst the rows of flowers, ferns, and other plants. A blonde man in his late twenties moved amongst them with a grace uncommon for a man of his size and build.

The Yamanaka patriarch carefully watered his shop's goods, meticulously checking each one to make sure they had received their designated amount. There was no greater joy for Inoichi then to take care of his shop. Being a ninja was definitely exciting and kept his blood pumping and him always on his toes, but when there was a need to unwind, there was no better option than to tend to the veritable garden he owned.

Perhaps it was Konoha's own sense of irony, but his flower shop was the most visited and well-liked in the hidden village. Being of a ninja clan that dealt with mind techniques, most of his family paid the bills by either performing full-time in the Interrogation department, or as part-time psychologists or psychiatrists. But while Inoichi did do some jobs for Ibiki from time to time, he much more preferred taking the more passive side-career of botanist/florist.

He couldn't really explain it, but perhaps it was because of his intimate connection to the human mind that people loved his flowers so much more than others. There were studies about plants reacting positively to positive attitudes and the tendency to try and bond with them. If he could understand the intricacies of the human psyche, he could easily understand the feelings of plants. Through that, he could make them bloom even more beautifully than anyone else. It was something that he took pride in, and something that he doubted he would ever come to loathe.

Now _that_ sounds like tempting fate. Well, ask and ye shall receive.

Turning around, Inoichi almost dropped the potted flowers he was holding when he came face to inverted face with Naruto. The younger blonde was dangling upside-down, his feet hooked onto a hanging planter. The boy raised (lowered?) a hand in greeting.

"Yo."

Inoichi grumbled, an eye twitching in annoyance, as he placed the pot carefully on the floor. He never got how a boy that was barely into puberty could be so good as hiding his presence, especially since he always wore such garish clothing. Then again, Naruto had been running from villagers – both civilian and ninja – as well as the elite ANBU for the better half of a decade. If he could do that then Inoichi supposed it would be easy for him to hide when Inoichi's guard was down while he was surrounded by his plants.

"Naruto, get down from there before you hurt yourself."

Naruto flipped to the ground, putting his arms out perpendicular to his body. He gave a deep bow. "Ta dah!" The planter, jostled from his movements, unhooked itself from the ceiling and crashed onto his head. The holder had a nice even crack down the middle, each half falling to the side while the soil rubbed itself into Naruto's hair. He grimaced. "Ouch."

"Oh, you poor thing!" Inoichi rushed forward. "Are you hurt? Here, let me make it all better." He scooped up the flowers planted on Naruto's head and transferred them to a new planter, lovingly covering the roots with dirt and placing them off to side. He threw a disinterested look over his shoulder. "Go clean yourself up, Naruto. You look a mess."

Naruto puffed out his cheeks as he brushed the dirt out of his hair. "You're so cruel, Inoichi-kun. How could you act this way towards such a good friend?"

"Maybe it's because the last time we saw each other, you almost destroyed my greenhouse with those modifications you made to my sprinkler. How much pressure did you add to it?"

Naruto grinned sheepishly. "Heheh, oops? But-but I warned you to use the lowest setting! It's not _my_ fault you turned it up to maximum on the initial usage!"

"Maybe because I didn't expect it to blast me out a wall! For heaven's sake, you used a Suiryuudan as the base for it!"

"Aesthetic purposes. How cool is it to have dragons watering your plants?"

"Naruto, you should thank whatever god you pray to that I need you for maintenance on all the more complicated devices for my shop. Otherwise I'd mind-rape your ass till you were nothing more than a drooling vegetable."

"I doubt jii-san would let ya do that."

"I'd like to see him try and stop me."

"Ahh…that's what I love about ya, Inoichi-kun; your threats of mental decapitation are always so pleasant to listen to."

Inoichi blinked, paused for a moment, and then shook his head in resignation. Really, he just couldn't win against this kid. Jinchuuriki or not, he was a force not to be taken lightly. He was certainly crazy, but also certainly quite a jokester and honestly enjoyable to be around. Shrugging his shoulders, a light smile crossed his face. "Well, what're you here for today? Want to buy some more flowers for your garden?"

"Nah…it's good. Besides, I think Lily and the others would get jealous if I brought even more competition into the fray. They're bad enough with what I have already."

"How are they, by the way? Last time I saw them, they were still pretty small but growing strong."

Naruto laughed heartily. "Eh, they're fine! Too fine in fact! They're so damn energetic and are always wanting out of the lab. Can you imagine the panic that would result if they were wandering the streets?"

Inoichi had a sudden image of the mentioned "girls" walking through Konoha. To be honest, he wasn't sure if they would be feared or revered thanks to their nature, but it would definitely cause a stir. To him, they were a gardener's ultimate dream, and Naruto had been the one to bring the dream to life. Just for that, he would be a lifelong friend of the inventor. Chuckling at the thought, he returned his attention back to the present. "So, if not that, then what are you here for?" His eyes narrowed in suspicion. "You're not going to try and 'upgrade' my tools again, are you?"

Naruto took a step back at the killing intent leaking out from the older man. His eye twitched for a second, and his grin turned anxious. "No, no, nothing like that. Just thought you'd like ta know that 'IT' is ready."

"'It?' What the hell are you…?" Inoichi's eyes widened. "Wait, you don't mean…?"

Naruto's smile became confident again. "Da da dah!" he crowed, whisking out a small vial. Inside was a green liquid with the consistency of honey. He waved it tauntingly in the air, taking note how Inoichi's eyes followed its every movement. "The ultimate potion for the ultimate gardener – Garden QuickGrow™!"

"I can't believe you actually finished it."

Naruto shook his head. "It took me a long time to figure out the right formula and ratios for it, but I finally got it working. Taken straight from the ultimate plants, my beauties back at home, this'll make sure any plant grows into a thriving jungle. Careful though, it's really potent."

Ionichi subtly wiped the drool forming at the corner of his mouth and straightened up. "_How_ potent?"

"One milliliter to fifty liters of water."

Inoichi scoffed. "It can't be that potent. Nothing has to be diffused that much."

Something changed in Naruto's eyes. They began to glitter dangerous. "Oh, really? Shall we test it out then?" He took a look around the greenhouse, his eyes falling onto a rather sickly-looking plant. Most of its leaves had fallen off, its stem and roots were dry and shriveled, and it was hunched over so badly more of it was on the ground than off it. "How 'bout this one then?"

Inoichi frowned when he looked at it. He knew that fern. No matter how much care he lavished on it, it just didn't want to grow. Water, sunlight, fertilizer – everything seemed to make it worse instead of better. By this point, he wrote it off as an impossible cause. "Sure, go ahead. But I doubt it'll work. Nothing else has so far."

Naruto grinned and fished an eyedropper from one of his duster's many pockets. Popping the lid on the vial, he drew a miniscule amount of the liquid and then deposited it on the plant. It was quickly absorbed and, for a brief moment, the plant glowed a pale green. Seconds went by, and then minutes, but nothing happened.

Inoichi rolled his eyes. "See? Nothin-"

He was interrupted when a rumbling shook his feet. Looking down, he saw that the pot was vibrating wildly, shaking on the table like a mad jackrabbit. With a sudden 'crack,' the pot exploded, large, thick roots crawling away. The plant regained its color and more as it grew to gargantuan size, leaves and flowers sprouting every which way, the stem reaching up to the ceiling. In mere seconds, the plant that had been on the verge of death was now thriving with energy and life.

Inoichi's jaw slipped open. He…he just couldn't…This…this was… "Naruto, this is unbelievable. Do you know what this means? Horticulture is going to have its history rewritten because of this discovery!"

Naruto nodded rapidly. "I know! Isn't it great?! But…there are a few things I have to warn you about."

"Anything!"

"Don't use too much of this stuff. That means in one dosage or over continuous usage. It has some…bad side-effects on the plant's physiology."

Inoichi turned his head when he heard his daughter calling for him from inside the store. "Daddy! There's some customers waiting for you! Could you come greet them?"

"In a minute, princess!" Inoichi looked back at Naruto. "What kind of…side-effects…?" He froze.

"Well, the plant's need for nitrogen grows at an exponential rate, and since the soil can no longer meet those needs, it adapts so it can receive nitrogen from other sources."

The plant had grown even larger and created some new appendages that weren't there before. Leaf-blades that resembled those on a Venus flytrap grew out from the sides, large enough to fit a baby cow in. They opened up, drool falling from their "mouths." A low growl filled the air as they slowly snapped open and shut.

"_**FEEEED MEEEEE…"**_

Inoichi could not do a thing as they descended on him.

NTNTNTNTNT

"Daddy? What's taking you so long?" Ino popped her head into the greenhouse. Her eyes widened in shock. "Daddy?!"

Inoichi was suspended in the air, half swallowed by one of the plant's leaf-blades. He was struggling, but the trap was clamped down tightly on him, and he could already feel the plant's enzymes dissolving his hair. Naruto was nowhere to be found.

"Daddy!" Ino cried, stomping her feet on the ground. "Stop playing with the merchandise! We have customers to help!"

Inoichi swore he was going to kill that child the next time he saw him. A dense glob of drool slapped onto his cheek.

Eww.

NTNTNTNTNT

Three ash-colored hounds followed a pretty girl in her late teens, red clan markings on both her cheeks. There was nary a cloud in the sky, the birds were singing, the wind gently blowing by…

Today was such a beautiful and perfect day.

"Hana-taaaaan…!"

Never mind. The Inuzuka heiress looked towards who was calling her name, the Haimaru Sankyodai following their master's gaze. There, running towards them, was Naruto, though he was moving rather slowly. Scratch that, he was literally moving in slow-motion, his legs pumping sluggishly and his arm waving at the same pace. A brainless grin was on the boy's face as he called out for the older girl.

Hana let out a feral grin. Stupid boy…Even stupider if he thought she forgot what he did last time. Nodding towards the only male of the inunin, she ordered him, "Masato, sic him."

Giving a slight growl in ascension, the dog launched forward, quickly shortening the distance between him and Naruto and tackling him to the ground. He latched his fangs around the boy's neck, taking care to not pierce his flesh, but rather to clamp onto the thick fabric of his jacket. He growled in greeting.

Naruto patted the dog's head. "Hey, Masato! How ya doin', boy?" His face became sunny when Hana walked up to him with her other inunin, Rikko and Mihato. "Hana-tan! I missed you!"

"You're really pushing it, aren't you, brat?" The girl growled. "Didn't I say the last time we met that I would sign my name into your hide?"

"I'd gladly accept your gifts of love, Hana-tan! All you have to do is ask!"

"Then please, just die."

"As you wish!"

Hana's eyes bugged out when Naruto lurched forward, his throat ripping itself on Masato's fangs. Blood spurted everywhere before Naruto's head lolled back and rolled off his body completely. His lifeless eyes stared back at her her before it and his body exploded, confetti falling everywhere from the blast. Hana and her inunin stood in shock as streamers and other minute party favors gathered on them.

"Wheee…! That was awesome!" Hana reacted on instinct, spinning on her heels and lobbing a fist in a vicious right hook. She caught Naruto right in the face, propelling him backwards and into the alley's wall. He sat up from the blow wobbly, his eyes spinning in a comical manner. "Whoa…spinny spinny…Can't ya take a joke, Hana-tan?"

The girl frowned. "You have a twisted sense of humor."

"I prefer 'laughing outside the box.'"

Hana sighed and walked over to the boy. Putting a hand against his cheek where a large bruise had begun to form, perfectly shaped like her fist, her hand began to glow green. "You are such an idiot, Naruto-kun." She watched in amazement as the bruise almost instantly faded away. His regenerative powers thanks to the fox were no laughing matter. Even with the medical jutsu she was using, it required at least a minute or so for an injury of that size to heal.

Naruto laughed sheepishly. Hana just didn't get the boy. Smelled like a fox, acted like a fox, heck, he even _looked_ like a fox, but when it came down to it, he was even more fiercely loyal than an Inuzuka. Kyuubi or not, she felt a faint attraction to the boy. It was mixed with a healthy dose of bloodlust, but she supposed that was natural considering his attitude. She sighed in frustration. Why'd she have to be friends with a scrawny idiot who was more unpredictable than he own little brother?

"So, what are you here for, besides givin' me a heart-attack?"

Naruto grinned and stood up. "Nothin'. Just thought I'd thank ya for helping me with Metaru's personality matrix. The insight ya gave me was really, really helpful."

Hana nodded. She knew about the pseudo-fox. Naruto had come to the Inuzuka clan to ask about how dogs acted around their family and friends. Much of the clan had initially turned him away thanks to his correlation to the Kyuubi, but thankfully the clan elder, Tsume, found him to be quite the interesting brat and had assigned Hana to help him due to her job as a veterinarian.

It probably helped that Naruto was the personal fix-it man for not only the Inuzaka but also most of the other ninja clans in Konoha thanks to his own renowned skills with machines. Of course, having such a close relationship with the village leader helped as well. In any case, you don't mess with the person that keeps the plumbing and electricity for your household running.

Besides, the boy himself was a riot to be around. If there was anything that Tsume appreciated, it was a good practical joke now and then, especially when members of her clan – human _and_ canine – became too lax and lazy for her taste. Hooray for pepper bombs in dog bones, indeed.

"So how's the little guy doin'? You should realize he's gonna act more like a dog than a fox."

"Eh, I only gave him that exterior because I like foxes. Dogs are pretty awesome too, plus they're really good partners! Metaru's two awesome things in one!"

Rikko responded with a bark and a tail smack to Naruto's rear, causing him to stumble. Hana smiled. Well, that was another thing she liked about him – him liking dogs. That little bit never hurt. "Well, at least you realize who your betters are. Good boy." She patted Naruto on the head.

If he had a tail of his own, he'd have been wagging it at that moment. "Yup! And to show my appreciation, here! Gifts!"

He pulled out three bones and a small box, handing them to the appropriate receivers. Hana looked at the box suspiciously. "These aren't gonna explode on us, are they? Because if they do, you _know_ what'll happen."

Naruto put a hand to his chest. "Hana-tan, you wound me deeply. Don't you trust me?" He added big, watery eyes for effect.

"Hmm…let me think about it, uh, no."

"Eh, whatever. See ya later, Hana-tan. See ya, doggies!" Naruto waved goodbye and ran off, quickly disappearing around a corner.

Hana looked carefully at the box. She tapped it – nothing happened. She listened carefully – no muted ticking. She took a slight whiff – nothing there either. Allowing a smile to grace her lips, she shrugged and pulled on the festive bow on the top. The box sprung open, a grey cloud assaulting her face. Her eyes watered and she began to sneeze uncontrollably. Next to her, the Haimaru Sankyodai suffered the same fate when the bones cracked open.

As Hana stood in the grey mist, a red mist formed in her mind. Pepper…bombs…Her pupils contracted, her canines drawing over her lips. "Masato, Rikko, Mihato – formation 'Kitsune Hunt.' Rip 'im to shreds."

The air filled with the angry barks of the hunters and the maniacal laughter of the hunted.

All together a perfect day.

NTNTNTNTNT

"All right! That's enough for now! You've earned your break!"

Sakura collapsed on her butt, sweating and breathing heavily. "Finally! So…tired…"

Kakashi grinned. "What's wrong, pinky? You seemed a bit bushed."

"Like you don't know the reason," she mumbled underneath her breath.

"**Shaaaa! Kakashi-sensei's such a jerk! Smack him one!"**

"Hmmm…?" The jounin leaned over, his eye caught in a U-shape. "What was that?"

Sakura immediately recognized the facial expression. The man made it enough times for her to realize that she was in much peril. "Nothing!" she squeaked. She didn't want to do the babysitting missions! Not again! So…much…cleaning…and…changing…

Sasuke watched with an impassive eye at the two. Hnnn…Everyone in his cell was worthless. Sakura had no stamina at all and would hardly be of any help, even with all the intense training they had gone through. Kakashi refused to teach them any jutsus, instead focusing on improving their physical limits and chakra control and reserves. How was he supposed to take revenge if he didn't learn any powerful techniques? As the man who killed off nearly his entire clan, Itachi wouldn't be cornered just from some added muscle mass and chakra finesse. Sasuke needed brute force!

But the one who pissed him off most of all, the one who truly got underneath his skin…Sasuke chanced a glance at the tree they had been practicing tree-walking on for most of the morning. How in the hells did the dobe have such good chakra control already?! He made Sakura look even more useless than usual, and she had beaten Sasuke like it was nothing!

Curse that dobe! Curse hiiiiim…!

Sasuke twitched. Oh gods, now he was even starting to think like the fool! What was next? A horrible fashion sense that involved pigments no shinobi with enough common sense to fill a thimble would have? Gah! Why him?!

Naruto watched from the boughs of the trees as the Uchiha scion's features fell into turmoil. Excellent…Everything was progressing just as he had seen it. Slowly, but ever so surely, his minions were coming around to his world All too soon, they would realize just who the true genius and master was.

And then his dreams would come to fruition! Bwahahahahahaha!

Naruto shook with poorly contained laughter. "Yes…yes…All according to plan…"

A month had passed since his induction into the ranks of Konoha's ninja and his position in team seven. So far, everything had been coming along smoothly, and his machinations for the future were becoming more clear and certain with every passing day. His exploits amongst Konoha's civilian sector, his careful corruption of his teammates and jounin sensei, his ever growing hold over the ninja clans he acted as mechanic for – everything was a piece of the grand puzzle that would culminate in his eventual takeover of Konoha. From there, it would only be a short time before his influence would infect the rest of the elemental countries, and then…whatever lied beyond them.

Naruto leaned back against the tree's trunk, tapping his fingers on his crossed arms. His mind sank into his fantasies, leaving reality behind for a more pleasant version. A beautiful moment, a lifetime of preparation, and the result that would consume the world. Ahh…such a wonderful thought…Of course, he couldn't relax yet. There were more events to figure out, more people to affect, and more jutsus he had to create. Becoming ruler of the world was a never-ending job. He couldn't afford such lenient breaks.

His thoughts floated over to Sarutobi. He wondered…Just how much did the old man know, and how much was he letting escape his ever vigilant sight. As leader of a hidden village, he couldn't just allow such an obvious threat continue on. Then again, with all the times they met, Naruto assumed that the man either simply didn't care, or secretly found the whole concept amusing and supported it from the sideline.

Yet another person who would gain a respectful position at his side once the world was his.

And as for his minions-err, teammates-no, no, minions was right…

Sakura first up. Still a total fangirl for Sasuke. The harsh training had barely acted as a deterrent for her heavy crush, and instead seemed to have the opposite effect. Now she chased after the Uchiha with a renewed and even more zealous fervor. Perhaps because she believed herself to be even more worthy of his affections? This could be a good or a bad thing. If Naruto managed to conquer Sasuke's loyalties, then Sakura would come leaping in. But there was also the chance of Sasuke doing the opposite. A 50/50 chance…

Sounded like fun!

Her chakra control was amazing, though that should be obvious considering her female gender and small reserves. She was becoming more physically fit, but her mind was still her top resource. Hmm…He still had to see how she would react in live combat. Though that wouldn't be for a while, or at least till they earned C-rank missions.

Sasuke was a whole different matter. Strong, fast, average control and reserves, and even a few fire jutsu; the child was well-rounded. He was most definitely a combat-type, and Naruto shivered at the thought of how the boy would rise once his bloodline awoke. Naruto had no problems with Sasuke's capabilities as a ninja. His mind, however, was something else.

Obsession could be useful. It created drive, and drive helped one become stronger. But the backlash of that drive could be considerably more harmful than its benefits. However…

Well, he could just deal with it when it came to it.

And Kakashi? Kakashi was Kakashi.

…

Yeah, that summed it up quite nicely.

Looking down at his minions, Naruto smiled imperiously. He was in his place, and all was right with the world.

As one, team seven, and the entirety of Konoha, shivered when a chill struck them through their very soul. The horror…the horror…

Yup, just another day in Konoha.

A/N: And that's the third chapter. Yeah, I'm finally back, but please don't kill me for being so late. Anyway, hope you enjoy this one. It is a bit fillertastic, but I wanted to expand on Naruto's contribution and place in Konoha outside of Team 7. Hope you liked the OC Gizmo. Naruto didn't just create those kinzoku jutsu all by himself, ya know. He needed _someone_ to teach him about machines. As for his accent, I wanted something really thick and nigh-unintelligible. What I got was something between hillbilly and middle earth dwarf. Also, in case you can't tell from the preview, Tenten makes her appearance! Let the love begin, yay! Please Review, and remember, no flames!

_Next Chapter: Psychos in Love, Teams in Distress_

New Jutsu

Inazuma Ami (Lightning Net) – One type of Naruto's bombs. Initially, it's a small capsule that explodes into a large metallic net which covers the opponent. Naruto can then channel electricity through the net to subdue the opponent.

Ukabeita (Floating Board) – A hover board that Naruto can use to fly places at speeds higher than normal running and/or tree hopping. It creates a mix of wind/water chakra to propel itself forward and keeps him levitated by pushing up against the ground via wind and water via water. Sealed into his right leg.

Omake!

**When Crazy Met Crazier**

Ibiki looked down at his clipboard. He always loved whenever the ninja academy opened again. So many ripe minds, just waiting to be violated in so many vile and cruel ways. It was the only time the Interrogations department of Konoha was allowed carte blanch on its children. After all, they had to make sure no one with severe mental defects was being allowed into the academy.

Whether they came in or out of the psyche interviews with such defects was totally irrelevant.

His gaze scanned through the various names. One in particular caught his attention. One reason was because of the age of the applicant as he was a year younger than the age requirement, and another was because of who the person was. He checked who it was supposed to be interviewing him. A cruel smile crossed his face. Her, huh? It was a match made in heaven.

The Kyuubi jinchuuriki and the traitor's ex-apprentice.

Well, he couldn't allow two people who were obviously meant for each other to be separated for much longer, could he? He called over to the special jounin who was lounging in a chair, picking her nails with a kunai.

"Mitarashi! You're up!"

A leer crossed her face. "Really? Yay!" She hopped up, snatching the sheet Ibiki held out and ran all the way to the designated interview room. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Fresh meat!

Slamming the door upon, she strutted in, immediately taking in the appearance of the boy waiting inside. Wild blond hair, extremely short (his feet were a good foot off the ground while he sat in the chair), messy, oil-stained clothes, and, from his face, very, _very_ young. Anko blatantly licked her lips. The boy started to shake. Excellent…

She spun the other chair in the room around and straddled it. "So, brat, I'm gonna be your interviewer. Just answer all these questions as honestly as you can, and I'll be sure to make this as…painless…as possible." At the pause, she leaned forward, exposing her mesh-covered bosom to the boy. He shook even more. She grinned. "Name?"

"Naruto Uzumaki."

"Dreams?" She leaned further forward. He said nothing. She frowned. "Dreams?" Still nothing. Anko's non-existent temper ran out on her and flared. "Look, brat, are ya gonna answer me, or am I gonna have ta make ya?"

"To take over the world."

She blinked. She must have misheard that. "Eh?"

The blonde's head snapped up, his eyes burning with overflowing passion. He jumped up, knocking his chair onto its back. "To take over the world!" he shouted. "To stand at the head of it all, and make everyone bow before my scientific genius! I will rule all that lies before me and beyond, and all shall know of my majesty and prestige!" He stomped forward, grabbing Anko's face.

For some reason, the urge to stab the boy in his face repeatedly and without remorse at his brazen action drained away. "I know of you, Anko Mitarashi! I know of those that betrayed you, of those that ridiculed and despised you because of their own pettiness! I know of your desire to rule over the peons that dare cast you to the side without recognition or respect! I know how you wish to grind them under your feet and claim yourself as grand queen of the world!" He jerked her towards him so that their faces were barely an inch apart. "Join me, Anko-hime! Join me and I'll lay the world at your feet, the power to crush all that oppose you!

"Rule by my side as gods of this pitiful world!"

For the first time in years, Anko felt herself swept away by a force greater than her. The word she had kept locked away in her mind for so long came rushing back as those icy-blue orbs stared right through her.

_Master…_

Once again, her tongue darted over her lips.

NTNTNTNTNT

Ibiki walked over to the interview room. It had been almost a half-hour already and he hadn't heard any cries of pain or pleas for mercy originating from Anko's case yet. As he drew closer, raised voices did begin to reach his ears. But they seemed a bit…odd. He opened the door…and blinked.

Anko was perched on the chair, sitting on her haunches like a cat as she started intensely at the ceiling, ready to pounce. "Come down here! I must have you now!"

Naruto was sticking to a corner of the ceiling, his face crossed and stubborn. "No! You only want me for my mind!"

"Yes, give me those delicious brains! I must haves thems!"

"Never!"

Anko leapt up, grabbing the younger boy by his duster and attempting to drag him down. His fingers dug into the ceiling and walls…through solid concrete, shouting out rape and how he didn't mean _this_. Anko told him to just take it like a man.

Ibiki slowly closed the door and turned around. He looked at his clipboard again. Retrieving a pen, he scribbled something on the sheet of paper.

_No known mental problem or deficiencies. Pass._

He nodded and headed back down the hall.

The ruckus continued.

**The Six-Million Ryo Cat**

He must save him. Found on the road with multiple crushed organs and fractured bones, obviously from a great, unknown amount of pressure placed upon his small frame. He had to make sure he lived, or else he couldn't live up to his own expectations.

He pulled on the latex gloves, snapping them as they fit around his fingers. Each tool was laid out before him, waiting to be used to save this small, forgotten life. Parts were set aside until they could be implanted. The patient was tenderly placed upon the surgical table, a bright light focused on him, various sensors attached to check and regulate his vital signs.

He looked at his assistants surrounding the doctor and patient, their glowing eyes waiting for commands and assurances. He nodded.

"Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic cat. Tora will be that cat. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster."

Their eyes shimmered with anticipation. He nodded again and took the scalpel.

He made the first incision.


	4. Psychos in Love, Teams in Distress

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. …what, did you expect something funny? Am I here to amuse you…? Oh, wait…yes, yes I am.

**Nin Tech  
Chapter 4: Psychos in Love, Teams in Distress  
By Irritus185**

Naruto slowly meandered through the forest. His Roketto Kutsu trampled over fallen leaves and branches, making crunching noises as he glided in a lazy zig-zag pattern around various bushes and trees. There was no purpose to his movements as he crossed his own trodden path again and again; he was just spending the day lazing about.

Every so often, Kakashi gave Team Seven a day off from their training and missions. He thought it would act as a way to make them more susceptible to his posing as a loving teacher. Technically he was just giving them the minimum number of vacation days Konoha's military laws required for genin so they wouldn't die from exhaustion. Still, his careful planning of _when_ he actually gifted his troops with the free time, timing it _just_ when they were nearing deadly fatigue, was quite masterful.

Naruto found it deliciously Machiavellian of the silver-haired jounin. He wholehearted approved of the ploy.

Still, the scarcity of days when he had nothing to do was quite high. Thanks to his generous application of the Kage Bunshin, he found that all of the projects that he'd had to put aside due to lack of time and manpower were already ahead of schedule. The Naru-kuns were currently in the process of finishing their own auto-updating system, and Metaru was spending the day over at Hana's so the veterinarian could work on his persona-protocols. Anko was in the middle of working at the Interrogation Department, and most of the other nins he associated with were currently on duty. His own team had left to do whatever they did when they weren't working.

Thus, left with an entire day with nothing for him to really do, Naruto decided to take a page out of the Naras' book and just spend the day enjoying whatever the natural wilderness of Konoha's less-used training grounds could afford him.

For once, his mind was not devising new ideas for jutsu or mechanical theories, simply floating from random thought to random thought without any real process or destination. To be honest, he found it thrilling how at peace he felt when his mind wasn't running on all cylinders, synapses crackling as electricity raised along his neurons…

Oops…he was falling into his inventor persona again.

Naruto gave a soft, soulful laugh as he deftly pirouetted around some roots that jutted out of the ground, forming a maze of flowing wood and dirt. It was almost as if the world was falling into perfect synchronization with his motions, dancing to a tune that neither it nor Naruto knew or cared about.

A melody quietly escaped from his lips, his humming filling the air with carefree tranquility. Ah, what was there to worry about? Friends, family, the world…it all meant nothing at this moment. Sure, he would have to return to his calling as future conqueror of existence, but he supposed his eventual followers could forgive him for this small indiscretion.

His swirling thoughts were broken when the sound of impacting objects and grunts of exertion floated into his ears. Naruto slowed down his skating, perplexed by the origin of the noises. He gave a small, vague shrug. Well, he might as well check it out.

Following the sounds, he eventually came across a small clearing in the woods, marked by several training dummies and targets. Kunai, shuriken, and senbon were littered across the place, most of them imbedded in the various bulleyes carefully positioned around the area. However, the scattered throwing weapons were not what caught his eye. No, it was something far more pure, beautiful and deadly.

Sleek steel gleamed in the sunlight, curving into a wicked edge and point. It stood on the end of carefully polished and maintained wood, formed into a long and thick pole. Where wood and metal met was a finely-woven veil of silk, crimson as blood as it waved back and forth in the gentle morning wind.

The guan dao swayed to and fro, deflecting the oncoming assaults of shadowed attackers, the veil flowing in a path of destruction. It feinted to the right before dashing forward, slicing through one of the training dummies right where its heart would be. The weapon receded before repeating the action, again and again as it brutally and efficiently ripped the straw effigy of a man to shreds. With one final thrust, the guan dao pierced its way through the stomach of the dummy.

Calloused hands let go of the weapon, moving to the side and back before a double-headed axe, the head as large as his arm, appeared in a flash of light and a puff of chakra. Where the guan dao had been exotic and exquisite in its dexterous handling, the axe was striking and cruel in its brute strength. It rose back before swinging in a horizontal sweep, catching the next dummy in the hip. The blade sunk in only an inch or so in before it was withdrawn. Legs jumped backwards, repelling off a tree before smoothly bringing the axe in a powerful, overhead chop, bisecting the dummy from head to groin.

Sweat trickled down toned muscles as another flash, another weapon came into existence. A huge scythe was brought into the world, its three-foot blade arced into a delightfully sadistic crescent moon. The hands tightened their hold before the owner's hips twisted and feet dug into the ground, the blade sowing a circle of death amongst the dummies. The scythe was dropped and a storm of kunai erupted from the center, striking the targets everywhere.

A second passed. Then two. Then three. With a despairing groan, the dummies slid off their bases, each falling perfectly backwards and landing with a muffled crash and clatter.

The hands reached up and removed the blindfold, revealing eyes that shined with a light just as sharp and dangerous as the weapons they wielded.

Naruto remembered to breathe. He took a gulp of air as he supported himself on a tree; his knees had gone weak. Only one thought revolved his mind as he watched the goddess take a look at her handiwork.

"She's perfect…"

His foot slipped forward from underneath him, breaking a twig with an audible 'snap.'

He barely had to time to realize his mistake before the kunai struck him between his brows.

NTNTNTNTNT

Tenten was in a foul mood, and when she was in a foul mood things tended to get stabbed.

A lot.

It wasn't like she'd had a particularly bad day. There were no problems at home, her training was progressing smoothly, and she was planning to have a good, long soak when she returned home.

It was just that her team drove her _crazy_ sometimes.

Team nine was considered one of the oddest genin teams in Konoha. With a jounin instructor like Maito Gai, it was hard to think of them as anything else. The man was widely known throughout the hidden village for being a training-and-battle maniac, as well as for his fevered speeches about the "Flames of Youth" to all that would pay attention to him. He was a great and effective teacher, and even an acceptable father-figure, but the man had no concept of the word shame, and there were times when Tenten could barely restrain herself from launching a full volley of kunai at him, though it would have little effect.

The jounin's miniature copy was, perhaps, just as infuriating. Tenten liked Lee. The bowl-cut boy was great to hang around with, and a blast to watch whenever he somehow got his hands on some booze. His chakra defect made Tenten appreciate her own capabilities with sealing scrolls and ninjutsu, and she found his undying passion for becoming the best taijutsu master in the world to be ambitious, if perhaps just a bit selfish. But when he and Gai fell into one of those "sensei-Lee" fits, she usually found herself physically ill at the sight. It was _embarrassing_ for heaven's sake!

Neji wasn't much better. Okay, yes, she found the Hyuuga prodigy to be insanely hot, and she had a great deal of respect for his goal of overthrowing the tyrannical relationship between the main and branch families of the Hyuuga, but his fate speeches truly got on her nerves after a while. She was not like the many fangirls of her year. She found Neji to be very handsome, but it didn't cloud her vision and keep her from realizing that, at times, he could be a bit – okay, a _lot_ – of a whiner. Saying losers would be losers and were fated to fall beneath the feet of those above them was rather hypocritical considering Neji's own standing in his family politics.

Most of the time, she could deal with them. Yeah, she knew that _she_ couldn't really point much of a finger due to her obsession – _hobby­_, she meant hobby! –with weapons, but at least she didn't drag others into her world full of shiny, happy, pointy, sharp bliss.

Beautiful, lethal weapons with their alloy-compounds and fiery blacksmithing techniques and wonderful katas and conventional compositions and…

Ehem, right. She was beginning to lose herself again.

So when things became too much for her, she released the steam that had built up – via wanton destruction.

It felt _so_ good to hold the weight of a real weapon in her hands, to shift along the pendulum of restraint and haphazard carnage. Tenten knew she wasn't like the other kunoichi – she preferred swords over dolls and sweating in a workout over pretend tea parties. Her clothes were not stylish or fashionable, consisting only of Chinese-styled pants and vests, but rather focused on functionality and durability. She was a tomboy both at heart and in looks. And the best part…?

She didn't give a flying rat's ass what anybody thought. She was going to be a famous kunoichi, just like her idol, Tsunade of the Sannin, and no one was gonna tell her otherwise.

She swept through the imaginary battlefield like a valkyrie of yore, her blood crying with the song of battle. Her covered eyes took down one phantom foe after another, her skin tingling with the crisp morning air.

When she was done with her mock assault, Tenten removed her blindfold. Looking around, she was impressed with her practice. She had cleanly cut down all of her intended targets, though it looked like she had to work on her arm strength as the last couple of dummies had a ragged gash through them compared to the clean cuts of the others. Plus, her thrown weapons were slightly off center. She had to work on negating the loss of equilibrium caused by her spin. Still…Her capabilities with melee weapons had grown incredibly.

"I did good…" she grinned, breathing only a little harder than when she started

Something snapped behind her. Adrenaline still coursing through her system, she instinctively grabbed a kunai and shot it at the sound.

She was rewarded with the clanging of muted metal and a screech of pain and surprise. Tenten followed the path of her attack and was horrified to find a body laid out on the forest floor. Oh no, did she hit someone?!

Rushing over, she knelt at the boy's side. Wringing her hands in worry, she searched for where her kunai must have stabbed him.

"Oh geeze, are you hurt?! Please don't be dead!"

Finding the injury, she was relieved to find only a small nick on his forehead and, luckily, it wasn't bleeding. The kunai must have glanced off his skull. Tenten found herself half-disappointed with her throw, knowing that it would never ward off an attacker, and half-happy that she hadn't murdered some random citizen.

She took the time to look at the boy. He was scrawny, with a wild mop of blond hair, though the whisker markings were kind of cute. Her eyes darted to the hitai-ite secured around his neck. The blonde must be one of the rookies that just graduated; no way would anyone else be hit by that attack.

Strange though, she did think the boy looked familiar…

The boy groaned. Opening his eyes, he blearily looked up at her. Tenten sighed. Great, he had already regained consciousness. Though, by the look of his dilated pupils, the boy was probably suffering from a concussion. Being in a team of taijutsu freaks gave her the chance to see quite clearly what the symptoms of _that_ particular ailment were.

Tenten raised a hand. "Good, you're awake. Tell me, how many fingers am I holding up?"

The boy said nothing. Tenten was worried that something worse was afflicting him, and thinking about taking him to a hospital, when he suddenly jumped to his feet and started shouting in a voice disturbingly reminiscent of the "colored beasts."

The fact that he was saying it in ye olde tongue made Tenten begin to worry for _her_ safety.

Then things got worse.

So, _so_ much worse.

NTNTNTNTNT

When Naruto opened his eyes, he was blinded by a vision of such unparalleled beauty that he could do naught but stare in wonder.

An angel outlined in a halo of light stared down at him with infinite tenderness and love. Who _was_ this marvelous beauty that looked at him with eyes of gold and honey? She was saying something to him, and he struggled to hear her velvet words, but the ringing in his head prevented him from doing so. Still, he had a clue as to what she was saying –

And he would respond to those passionate feelings!

Jumping up, Naruto gave a low bow, his knees bending as he swept a hand at the lady. She glanced at him coyly as he spoke.

"My fair maiden, verily am I overjoyed to say that I accept thy words of compassion and care with all my heart. For it be with great pleasure that I may stand in the presence of such a beauty as thou. Please, what is thy name?!"

"Tenten…Tenten Chang'e," she stuttered out.

"Tenten! Ah, such a beautiful name! Mine, my dear maiden, is Naruto Uzumaki, future ruler of the world!"

He pushed a fist to his heart and raised his head, noting that she studiously observed his every move. Ah, yes! He was winning her over! "It must have been fate that brought us star-crossed lovers to this point! And though thou may have struck me down with all thy glory, know that I was not affected, for I was struck down not by violence, but by love!"

Naruto knelt on one knee, grabbing the maiden's hands and clasping them lovingly with his own. "Though we may have just met, I know with all my heart that we were meant for each other. And so, though it embarrasses me to be so upfront with my desires, I have one request I _must_ make of you." He pulled the goddess closer, so close their lips almost touched.

"Please, I beg of thee. _Bear my children!_"

Tenten took the time to go over the situation.

…

Yup, that was enough.

With pure clarity, she fell back on the physical teachings of Gai and immediately made her counterattack.

Standing up, she spun on her toes and performed a perfect roundhouse kick, catching the creepy kid under the chin with a cry of "Pervert!", launching him through the air and causing him to smash into one of the trees behind him.

Naruto shook his head as felt himself regain full control of his body. Ah, so embarrassing to lose control of his actions like that! He glanced sheepishly at the girl who had attacked him in self-defense. She was watching him cautiously, though there was still a bit of concern in her body language. He laughed nervously.

"Ah ha ha, sorry 'bout that."

Tenten narrowed her eyes. "You're not gonna try anything stupid again, are you?" She retrieved the guan dao from the dummy, leveling it at him threateningly. "Because if you do, I'm not going to hold back this time."

"You were holding back?" Naruto prodded at his jaw. Yup, definitely dislocated. So _that's_ why it hurt to talk. He slammed a palm into his jaw from below, popping it back into place. "Awesome! Err…I mean…" The brunette glared at him. He chuckled. "Um, no, that won't happen again." He made sure to be perfectly still, lest he be skewered like Anko's beloved dango. "I think I'm a bit woozy after you hit me."

Tenten quirked an eyebrow. "The kunai or the kick?"

Naruto shifted his jaw a bit before looking back at her. "Yes."

She stared at him for another second before sighing and putting herself at ease, lobbing the guan dao up so the wooden pole was stuck in the ground. She leaned on it, pursing her lips. "You always hit on girls in such an antiquated fashion?" she asked sarcastically.

"Only the cute ones," he responded. She snorted in response. Naruto frowned. "And when I'm suffering from mild head trauma," he added as an afterthought.

That caused her to laugh a bit. "There'd definitely have to be _something_ wrong with your brain if you think something like that would work on girls."

"You'd be surprised." Naruto stood up, brushing away the dirt and crushed leaves from his clothes. "Girls usually fall for the delirious-noble-samurai-guy crap."

Tenten snorted again. "I'm not like most girls."

"So I noticed."

A real smile surfaced from Tenten's lips. Hmm…maybe there was more to this blonde weirdo than she first thought. She shrugged and turned around, going to pick up the various weapons she had dropped around the training ground. "My name is Tenten, in case that second blow knocked the memory out."

The boy grinned maliciously. "Naruto Uzumaki, future leader of the Elemental countries."

Tenten turned around. "You were serious with that? I thought it was just part of your spiel."

Naruto smirked and rocked back and forth on his heels. "Oh, I'd _never_ joke about that. I'm quite serious about my ambitions of world domination."

"Oh really?" she smiled sardonically. "And how exactly do you plan on doing that? Last I heard the various countries weren't exactly clambering to be taken over."

"Ah, Tenten, don't ya believe in me?" The weapon mistress turned around, the axe hanging at her hip, both her hands placed on either side of her waist. Her expression was a mix of disbelief and playful curiosity. Naruto stuck his tongue out. "I'm gonna become Hokage, and then make my way across the continent, taking over every country that's in my way. Soon, _no one_ will be able to walk around without knowing the name Naruto Uzumaki and the significance it holds! I'll become a household name! They'll even name a brand after me – Uzumaki, Inc! Yeah!"

Tenten couldn't help but laugh at the proud look on the shorter boy's face. He was a strange kid, but he was certainly interesting to be around. He'd fit right in on her team.

Tenten took the time to shudder. She didn't want to think how the boy's attitude would react to Gai and Lee.

For some reason, a sense of foreboding swept over her for a moment and then was gone the next.

It's not wise to tempt Lady Luck, especially when she has such a vested interest in the lad.

She called over to Naruto. "Well, are you just gonna stand there, or are you gonna tell me why you were here in the first place?" No harm in having a conversation with the boy. What was the worst that could happen?

He shrugged and pulled a shuriken out of a target. Spinning it expertly on his finger, he said, "Nothing really. Heard some noise and thought I'd check it out. Saw ya playing with those weapons, and, well…"

Tenten scowled as she waited for the condescending insults that would come. Every boy she had met, with the exception of her teammates, said it was stupid for a girl to be a ninja. Kunoichi could never be as good as male shinobi, so why even bother? 'Course, she kicked their asses quickly after that, but their sentiments never changed.

And just when she met someone who might actually become a friend, he had to go and ruin it by -

"You were kickass! Man, the way you handled those weapons was awesome!"

-complimenting her skills? Tenten's mouth hung open a bit as Naruto blithely continued his assessment.

"You're still a bit clunky with your movements, but the way you seamlessly switch between weapon styles is great. Wielding a halberd then an axe has to be hard; the weight distribution is completely different, and you have to shift your center of gravity to accommodate the change. A beginner can't do that, and yet you do it so easily and quickly!"

Tenten's mouth grew dry. "You…you actually noticed?"

"Uh-huh! I know a bit about weapons, so…" He walked over and picked up the scythe, weighing it in his hands. "Take this one, for instance." He looked down the edge. "You used a ferric-titanium alloy for the blade, right?"

Tenten jumped at the opportunity to flaunt her weapon and metallurgy knowledge. "Yeah! It's just as hard as normally tempered steel but has a twenty percent reduction in its weight, leading to easier handling."

Naruto walked over to a decapitated dummy and gave it a practice swing. "But scythes rely on the momentum of the swing to deal damage. If you decrease the weight, then it won't cause as much of a wound."

She nodded and plucked it from his hands. Running her finger across the blade, she explained, "I know, that's why I increased the angle of its arc. By doing so, it cuts quicker, making it less necessary to add extra force to achieve the same effect."

Naruto grinned. "I hadn't considered that…Oh! Did you hear about this? If you mix iron shavings and hand soap, you can…"

For the next couple hours, the two discussed various blacksmithing and weapon usage tips. Tenten was absolutely delighted that she had found someone who would talk to her about her favorite subject and could actually _keep up_ with her theories. Normally whenever she got started on weapons, the person would politely talk to her for a little while, but would be quickly scared off by some of her more radical ideas.

Naruto…was in heaven. Why did he not meet this girl before? Where _was_ she all his life?! What had he been _doing_ when such an exquisite woman was there _all along?!_

Ironically, the two _had_ met during the one year they shared at the ninja academy. However, at the time, Tenten was too focused on her studies, and Naruto was, well…too _Naruto-ish_ to actually care about women.

Yes, they _are_ idiots, aren't they?

Tenten caught herself before her words became too rapid for human comprehension. It was absolutely _thrilling_ to have someone to talk to like this! "So, how come you're so knowledgeable about weapons? I mean, I'm the daughter of blacksmiths, so it's in my blood, but how about you, Naruto-kun? What's your reason?"

A devilish grin crept onto Naruto's face. He fished inside his duster for a bit before pulling out a small, multi-faceted and segmented orb. "_This_ is why I like weapons so much."

Tenten narrowed her eyes as she scrutinized the ball. "What is it? Looks like a huge playing dice." It looked like a metal ball that had been folded and twisted in on itself again and again.

"This is a specialty of mine. I call them Kinzoku jutsu. Think of them as a new elemental technique that revolves around weapons."

She had to prevent herself from drooling as she considered the possibilities of his words. "What…what does it do?" she asked giddily.

His grin grew even nastier. "Wanna find out?"

She merely nodded. The blonde chuckled and grabbed her hand, dragging her behind one of the trees. Putting his finger to his lips, he gathered the orb in one hand and pressed down on a small indentation that vaguely fitted his thumb. Naruto kissed the device. "Fly, my Shuriken Shoutotsu."

With a fling of his arm, he tossed the jutsu into the clearing. It seemed to hang in the air before rapidly unfolding. With a cacophony of ticking, clockwork connectors unwound from each other to form small daggers that snapped around into shuriken. The mini-weapons flung themselves en mass around the training ground, slicing into trees and ricocheting off objects as they searched for whatever targets they could slash.

After what seemed like forever, the shuriken finally expended their structure and broke, tinkling to the ground in a rain of scrap metal. Naruto stood up and looked at what madness he had wrought.

The clearing was even worse for wear than before. Thousands of nicks and cuts covered every tree, dummy, and target. This was no large-scale destruction, but rather an infinite number of grazes that wore everything down to the bitter core.

The jinchuuriki turned to see what kind of reaction was on Tenten's face. He was baffled to see not shocked awe, but a rather evil glee that was all her own. The weapon mistress took a look at what the boy's weapon had done before glancing back at him. She smirked.

"Not bad. But it's still nothing compared to my techniques."

Naruto rose to her challenge. "Oh, really? I'd like to see that."

"You asked for it."

Twin scrolls shot to her hands and were unfurled. The eloquent calligraphy glowed briefly before the clearing was shrouded in smoke, and two dragons flew into the sky.

"Soushouryuu!"

That clinched it. He was _so_ in love.

NTNTNTNTNT

Today was a magnificent day to be alive.

Naruto hummed a mindless tune as he floated down the street. An eerie smile was plastered on his face and had refused to leave for the last hour.

People instinctively moved to the other side of the street to avoid the boy. Rumors about him had led to the belief that when he owned such an expression, things tended to have their anatomical structure disintegrated in various unpleasant ways.

To be honest, they weren't that far off. It was more of a weakening of the molecular structure of objects via meticulous, pinpoint ruin, leading to a chemical reaction of epic proportions, but the result was essentially the same.

Boom-boom.

Seems like Konoha's citizens _can_ learn not to step on the fox's tail. Good for them; they'll live longer.

Naruto brushed aside the banner for Ichiraku's, stepping happily into the ramen stand. He had to celebrate such a glorious event, and what better way than with a bowl of the best food in town? He was surprised to find that Anko was already there, splitting her attention halfway between eating a bowl of ramen and sniping at the daughter of the stand's owner.

"Anko-hime, Ayame-nee-chan," he muttered dreamily. "How are you?"

Anko spun around so quickly her neck almost snapped. Her eyes widened evilly at the boy, a perverted leer spreading to her lips. "Naru-chan!" she squealed. "_Whatever_ are you doing here?"

"He's probably here for his favorite dish, Anko-_san_." Ayame frowned stormily when Anko ensnared the young boy by his shoulders. Why that little… "What I don't understand is why _you're_ here. Didn't you say our food was 'pig slop?'"

"When you're starving, even garbage seems appetizing," Anko grinned back nastily.

The two stared at each other with unveiled hatred. Anko's hands twitched at her kunai holder while Ayame gripped her ladle so hard her knuckles turned white and popped. Teuchi came out from the back, wiping his hands on his apron. Seeing his best customer at his reserved stool, a fond smile appeared. He began walking towards the boy.

"Naruto-kun! How are you-"

"Dad!" Ayame barked.

"Right, back I go." The man made a strategic retreat back into the kitchen.

Ayame broke her Medusa glare from Anko, her face totally transforming into a sweet, tender smile as she focused back on her snuggle-toy. "What can I get for you, Naruto-kun?" she asked, her voice dripping with saccharine.

"One 'Naruto special,' please," Naruto responded, his tone still distracted.

Ayame nodded and yelled the order back to Teuchi, who wisely decided not to say anything back. Ayame leaned on the counter with her elbows, chin in hands, just _looking_ at the blonde.

Anko snapped up a clump of noodles and looked at the boy. Naruto was acting strange. Well, stranger than normal anyway. "What's up with you, Naru-chan? Your brain finally melt 'cause of all those fumes you inhale?"

Naruto glanced at Anko before sighing joyfully. "I'm in love."

The stand froze.

"Ahh…" he continued, unmindful of the change in his environment. "My beautiful metal goddess…"

The air became heavier, harder to breathe. Storm clouds started to gather around the marketplace, laden with lightning that flashed cruelly.

Several civilians gave cries of fright as rodents and vermin came flocking down the streets and into the woods in waves, as if chased by some unknown, ferocious entity.

Anko bit cleanly through her chopsticks. Ayame's hair frizzled out as the bowl in her hands crumbled to dust. In the darkness of the oncoming storm, their eyes had an unearthly amber glow.

"Oh…really?" Anko's voice was cracked, deepening and increasing in pitch at random. "That's nice…"

"Yes…very, very…_nice_." Ayame's smile grew wider, making her lips look like they had split her head horizontally. "What's the name of…of this girl?"

"Tenten…" Naruto murmured.

_Tenten_…

The whisper hung in the air, sinister and waiting. For years to come, people would hear it quietly echo in the dark of night, and feel as though their very soul was being stolen from out of their body.

"And what does she look like?"

Naruto sighed again. "Her hands are burnt by the roaring flames of progress, her fingers cut by her sensuous dance with metal and its children. Those hands are so soft with newborn objects, and yet so hard when reaping the lives of others."

"How about something a little more definite?"

"She smells like oil and burning wood, of sweat and sparks."

"No, like hair and eye color."

"Her hair is the finest silk, bereft of any flaws, and her eyes shine like diamonds waiting to cut through any that oppose her."

Anko's fingers ripped off a chunk of the counter. Ayame went through another two bowls.

"No, I mean is she blonde or a redhead? Does she have green or blue eyes? How easily does she bleed, and is her neck thin enough to wrap your hands around?"

Naruto paused. He pursed his lips together and thought on it, his eyes darting up and to the right. He shrugged. "I don't know." He looked down to see his order in front of him. "Waaaii! Ramen!" He quickly dove in.

Ayame and Anko stood stock-still. Someone was threatening their share of blonde ass. Someone had to die a very nasty, disturbing, and nightmare-inducing death. And then, when it was over, Naruto would come for comfort and he would hug them and pet them and kiss them and take off his pants…

Teuchi watched from the safety of his workspace after sneaking Naruto's order to him. The two women were off in fantasy-land, their face caught in a cycle of lust and glee. Naruto, blissfully ignorant, ravaged his meal.

Teuchi sighed. He had tried so hard to raise Ayame as a single father after his wife died, and now the teenaged girl was considering murder and statutory rape, not necessarily in that order.

He cried silently, his tears mixing in with the broth.

Oh…where had he gone wrong?

NTNTNTNTNT

"Team Seven reporting the completion of their mission."

"Ah, thank you, Kakashi. Now-" Sarutobi looked up from the mission assignments and stopped midway. An eyebrow rose in annoyed bemusement. "Care to tell me what happened this time?"

Team Seven was not in the best post-mission shape. Every member was covered in soot, burned in various places, and smoking slightly. Kakashi looked amused, Sakura seemed extremely bothered, Sasuke had his customary blank scowl, and Naruto was grinning proudly. Tora meowed a puff of smoke from on top his perch of Naruto's head, random singed splotches all over his fur.

"Maa, during our capture of Tora, the target got into another scuffle with the genin, and Naruto became a little too trigger-happy with his explosives." Another being the third time in two weeks. Honestly, the cat had better stealth and escape skills than most genin!

Naruto pounded out a thumbs-up. "It was a battle for the ages!"

Sakura smacked him in the back of the head. "You set fire to the area! And then you blew it up some more!"

Naruto grinned sheepishly. "Well, you know what they say about 'fight fire with fire.'"

"They don't mean it literally!"

"Sasuke-kun didn't seem too bothered with following through with that saying. By the way…" He turned to the Uchiha scion and swatted his shoulder. "Awesome application of the Goukakyu! You got, like, twenty square feet off that technique!"

Sasuke coughed and looked off to the side, but the small smirk on his lips was unmistakable.

"Yes, well…" Kakashi shrugged and turned back to Sarutobi. "You get the basic gist of it."

"Of course." Sarutobi signaled that Naruto hand over the cat to his owner, the Fire damiyo's wife. The cat did not seem pleased with the situation, but his bionic body could easily withstand even a ton of pressure, so the woman's death-holds were little more than an annoyance. Naruto saluted the brave cat's plight regardless. Seeing that the client was satisfied, Sarutobi turned back to the genin squad. "Now, as for your next mission-"

"Ho, my eternal rival, Kakashi! It would seem we meet again!"

Kakashi mentally sighed. He knew that voice. Turning around, he found the Great Green Beast of Konoha, with his genin team, grinning at him predatorily. Oh great, he just ran into with the man _last_ week. And now he'd meet Gai when both of their teams were in tow? He could already hear the declaration that the taijutsu expert would-

"I knew that you had a cute genin team to call your own, but this is the first time I've seen them! They look like they have the flames of youth within them! How marvelous!"

Yep, there it was.

Kakashi fell back on his tried-and-true method of dealing with the man. Flipping out his Icha Icha, he shoved his nose into it while giving off a disinterested tone. "Hmm? You say something?"

"Ohhhh!" Gai shouted, his teeth sparkling. "I was waiting for that hip reply, my rival!"

Naruto had a very different reaction when he saw who else was in the spandex-man's team. "Tenten!" he squealed with delight.

Tenten thought she recognized that wild bush of blond hair. "Hi, Naruto-kun," she responded politely. She hadn't seen the boy in the few days since their first meeting. The two never thought to make a second appointment. "How've you been?"

"Oh, I'm great!" Naruto was so happy! He got to meet his metal goddess again! Oh, his face was growing so flushed, and his head becoming so hot! He noted how Tenten, not to mention the rest of her team, was staring at him. _No, don't look at me so passionately! I'll burst into flames!_

"Naruto, your hair's on fire."

Naruto broke out his ardor-induced daze and patted the top of his head. "Aw man, again?" He _thought_ his hair was still smoldering!

He was splashed with water, extinguishing the flame. Looking to the side, he saw Sakura holding an empty glass with an exasperated look on her face. Naruto smiled. "Thanks, Sakura-chan!"

Gai faltered for a second before shifting into his Flaming demeanor. "I see that one of your students truly has the flames of youth within him, Kakashi!"

Kakashi winced. "That was in poor taste, even for your, Gai."

Gai laughed, ignoring the insult. "Very well, allow me to introduce my own cute students! This is Tenten Chang'e, Neji Hyuuga, and my cutest disciple, Rock Lee!" He slapped both hands on the boy's shoulder with a fond, paternal smile.

Tenten waved at Team Seven. "Nice to meet you."

Neji merely gave a glance before shutting his eyes. "Good afternoon."

Lee clenched a fist. "Ohhh! It is a pleasure to meet all of you!"

Sakura, feeling that it was polite to give their own introductions, started first. "My name's Sakura Haruno."

Sasuke hnn'ed. "Sasuke Uchiha."

Naruto snapped a thumb at his face. "And I'm Naruto Uzumaki, future ruler of the world!"

The people who had heard his 'unique' introduction before blanched. Was he going to say the same thing to _every_ person that he met?

"Yosh! That is indeed a youthful goal!" Gai cried out. Several people covered their ears at the deafening noise. "My own student, Lee, is attempting to become the best taijutsu specialist in the world!"

"And if I do not reach that goal, I will run five-hundred laps around Konoha!"

"And if you cannot finish, I will do a thousand push-ups with just my pinky finger!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

The other two members of team Gai turned pale. Tenten tackled a random passer-by chunin while Neji did the same to another. "Duck and cover!"

Kakashi blocked the sight of Gai and Lee colliding with his body from Sakura and Sasuke. He didn't worry too much about Naruto. Kakashi doubted that it could make the boy any worse, mentally.

Thus, Naruto caught the full brunt of the "Sunset and Sea" illusion. He froze. When the two green-clad males separated, he did nothing for a few seconds, and then began stroking his chin.

"Interesting. A genjutsu caused by the amalgamation of two highly emotional reactions, creating a unique brainwave that directly attacks the psyche via the optical nerve." He tapped his lips. "I wonder if it can be used for interrogation purposes…Ibiki-kun should be told of this discovery."

The entire room felt as though the Apocalypse had descended, save for Lee and Gai. Kakashi shivered as something gripped his heart when Naruto spun around to stare at him, a curious look in his eyes.

"Kakashi-sensei!"

Kakashi instinctively smacked the boy across the room. Naruto crashed through two desks and a bookshelf before jumping up and trying to tackle the jounin again.

"Kakashi-sensei!"

The others watched a human-sized version of pinball being played as Naruto catapulted around the room, knocking over furniture and people in his quest to hug the silver-haired jounin. The deadly battering continued for several minutes before Kakashi finally grabbed the blonde and suplexed him into the ground. He was startled when it burst into smoke.

Looking around, he was annoyed to see everyone laughing at him. "Where'd he go?" Kakashi growled out.

Sarutobi waved his pipe at the door. "He chased after Gai's team after the eighth try. Something about getting bored. His teammates followed him. The genin really seemed to hit it off."

Kakashi felt something break deep inside of him.

NTNTNTNTNT

"Yosh! I'm glad to see my students getting along so well with my eternal rival's! This will be the start of a wonderful friendship!"

"Whoo!"

Sakura and Sasuke shared a glance with each other. They still couldn't believe Naruto had so easily slipped a clone into his attack on Kakashi. They didn't notice the switch at all until he had gone chasing after Gai and his team, talking animatedly with them like they had been dear friends since birth. Seeing that _their_ sensei was preoccupied, they decided to just hell with it and check out the other team as well.

It was a…most enlightening experience. Gai was probably as strange as Kakashi was, just in a different manner.

The scariest part of the interaction between both teams had to be Naruto's behavior around Tenten. The boy acted so much like a fangirl that it even perturbed Sakura. What compounded the horror was what the two were discussing. As soon as they had caught up, the weapon-obsessed maniacs had sunk into a fevered conversation about the pros and cons of various bladed instruments that contained the words "wound," "blood," and "massive, soul-wrenching pain" much too often.

As one, the remaining four genin looked at each other, a single thought passing through their gaze.

_Oh gods, not another one._

Gai took it another way, which, sadly and terrifyingly, was so much closer to the truth and yet so much farther away at the same time. "Yosh! It seems the flames of youth have brought Tenten-chan and Naruto-kun into a wonderful, blooming relationship!"

Tenten flushed at the implication and chucked a kunai at her teacher. "Gai-sensei! It's not like that!" She didn't hit him.

Naruto tittered and covered his blushing cheeks. "Kyah, Gai-sensei! You're embarrassing me!"

The bomb he had rolled at Gai's feet did _not_ miss.

The remains of Team Gai blinked at the pockmark that had once been their jounin teacher. Then they looked at Naruto. The boy was still giggling and blushing furiously as though he had _not_ just blown up someone. Sakura and Sasuke just twitched a couple times, but for the most part took it in stride.

"It would appear that the flames of youth burn even brighter in you than I had originally anticipated! Superb!" Everyone except Naruto swiveled to find Gai none the worse for wear, excluding the singing of his massive eyebrows. "Though, perhaps it would be best that I keep my mouth shut concerning the youthfulness of my students' romantic endeavors."

"That's right, Gai-sensei! You should know that a maiden's heart is a very pure and delicate thing!"

Tenten coughed at the stern look in Naruto's eyes. Well, it was kind of nice for him to protect her honor…sort of…maybe? "Um, thanks, Naruto-kun?"

"I was talking about _my_ heart!"

Hear that muted, exploding noise? That's the sound of a mass aneurysm!

"Besides, it's obvious I _like_ Tenten! She's a _girl_, she _makes_ her own weapons, and then she _stabs_ things with them! What much more does a guy need?!"

There went a second collective brain burst, this time accompanied by a facial capillary implosion in a certain bun-haired girl's face.

Lee was the first to recover from the sudden brain hemorrhage. His boiling blood was particular useful for curing massive internal bleeding! "Yosh! Naruto-san's youthful exclamation has made me want to make my own!" He turned his fierce eyes to Sakura. The girl, like most animals, realized her own imminent doom. "Sakura-san! Please be mine! It was love at first sight! I promise I'll protect you with my life!" His teeth shined with an ephemeral brightness

Naruto cupped his hands around his mouth. "Whoo! Go for it, Lee-senpai!"

Sakura jerked back as though she had been hit with a right-cross. "Ewww, no way! You're _totally_ out of line!"

Lee's head sunk at the harsh refusal. Gai materialized next to him and slapped him on the shoulder. "Do not worry, my cute student! Simply keep trying and get stronger, and I'm sure Sakura-kun will eventually fall for you!"

"No, I won't!"

Lee looked up, tears gathered in his eyes. "R-really, Gai-sensei?"

"Of course!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

Gai-sensei!"

Cue insanity-causing hug. Naruto was, once again, the only person to watch them. Something twinged in the back of his brain.

_I taste purple._

"Gai-sensei! I can feel the flames roaring in my soul again!" Lee twisted and settled in a taijutsu stance. "Sasuke Uchiha, I challenge you to a match! I wish to test my prowess against the scion of Konoha's famous Uchiha clan!"

Sasuke shook his head to rid it of the remaining blood build-up, his lips curling into his self-important sneer. "And why should I accept?"

"Because if as the rookie of this year's genin, you should be prepared to fight for the worthiness of that title."

"Interesting…" Sasuke swiped a finger across his nose and tensed up, his right foot sliding back. "Fine then, I accept."

"Yeah, it's a duel! Let's see some dirty fighting! I wanna see someone get kicked in the family jewels!'

"For once in your life, Naruto-dobe, _shut up!_"

"Ho…this looks like it'll be an exciting match-up." Gai intervened between the two genin. He smiled at Sasuke. "Your sensei and I have been rivals for a long time now. The score between us is forty-eight to forty-eight. It'll be interesting to see how his students do against my own. Should it work out the way I think, I'll have another victory to hold over him."

Sasuke smirked. "Don't think I'll lose so easily. Your student will be the one to hang his head in shame."

"Yosh! I'm all fired up!"

Naruto watched as Gai set up the rules. When the two began their fight, he ignored it for something more worthy of his time. He knew how this match would end, after all. Natural talent versus hellish training and hard work – the ultimate rivalry. Still, Sasuke was going to have to swallow a very bitter pill. Walking over to Neji, he caught the Hyuuga's attention.

"Yo, Neji-han!"

The long-haired boy spared one look with his milky white eyes before looking back at the fight. He wanted to see Sasuke's fighting style; he had no time for some stupid loser. "What do you want?"

"Nothing." Naruto put his hands behind his head. "Just thought we could talk."

"I have no words for a loser like you."

"Really? That sounds a little harsh considering we've just met."

"Fate decides all matters of a person's life at birth. I knew from the moment that I saw you that fate had ordained you as below others, including myself."

"And Sasuke-kun isn't?"

"He is of a noble birth, and therefore deserves the respect given to him."

"'Cause of the Sharingan being a derived version of the Byakugan?"

Neji subtly looked at Naruto. It was a mostly-unknown fact that the Uchiha's cherished doujutsu was a further mutation of the Hyuuga's. Only a handful of people outside either clan knew of it, and yet somehow this know-nothing brat had found it out. There was more to Naruto than he had initially assumed.

"That is correct." He directed his attention back to the spar.

Naruto leaned forward, twiddling his thumbs. "Yeah, but I hear that both of your clans aren't on very good terms with each other." He slightly turned his head ever so much. "I guess main and branch families and clans will never quite get along. You could almost say it's a _cursed_ relationship."

Neji swung over to face Naruto. "What did you-"

"Ooh! That's _gotta_ hurt!" Naruto jumped up from his seat, running to the finished fight.

Sasuke had taken a sharp kick to the chin, sending him flying up and crashing back to the ground. Sakura squealed in concern and rushed to the defeated boy's side, helping him up. Sasuke shoved her attentive hand away, rubbing the bruise that was forming on his jaw and scowling at the crowing victor.

"I won, Gai-sensei! I won!"

"Very good, Lee! I'm proud of you!"

"Lee, you jerk! How dare you hurt Sasuke-kun like that?!"

Lee wilted under Sakura's verbal barrage. "But…but Sakura-san, I was just…"

"Now, now, Sakura-chan." Naruto patted the pinkette's shoulder. She shivered at his tone and smile. "He did his very best. You can't insult Lee-senpai just 'cause he won. It's insulting to Sasuke who also did his best. Why, I'm sure that after Sasuke-kun trains some more, he'll be able to beat Lee-senpai without breaking a sweat!" Naruto bent over and smiled at the kneeling boy. "Ain't that right?"

Sasuke paused in his harsh retort. There was something in Naruto's eyes that was familiar, nostalgic. What was it…? Sasuke shook his head and chuckled under his breath. The smirk whipped itself back across his face. He stood up. "Yeah, next time, you're dead meat."

"Yosh! I look forward to the rematch!"

"Wow!" Naruto clapped his hands together loudly. "After seeing such an awesome fight, I wanna have a scuffle, too! Lee-senpai! How 'bout a quick bout?!"

"Naruto!" Sakura yelled. "If Sasuke-kun couldn't beat Lee, what makes you think _you_ can?! You could never beat Sasuke-kun once!"

"Awww…Come _on_, Sakura-chan…!"

Tenten joined the conversation, Naruto's pseudo confession still lingering in her mind. "Naruto-kun, you really should reconsider." He was a nice guy, if probably completely bonkers, but she didn't want to see him beaten to a pulp. "Lee-kun's one of the genin's prestige taijutsu users."

Naruto's eyes sparkled. "Aw, Tenten, you _care_!"

"Yeah, of course I do. You're a _friend,_" she said, emphasizing the word. She didn't want to lead the boy on, after all. "And _friends_ don't let other _friends_ get their skulls caved in."

"I'm sure Lee-senpai wouldn't go _that_ far, right?"

"Yosh! Though I would never do so intentionally, I'm afraid my youthfulness may sometimes leap out of my control!"

"See? It's fine!"

"It's not fine at all!"

"Irregardless! Lee-senpai!" Naruto brandished his hand in a 'come forth' gesture. "I challenge you to a duel!"

"I accept! Though because of Sakura-san's and Tenten-san's concerns, I will do so with a handicap!" Lee wrapped a cloth around his left arm and secured it around his waist. "I will fight you with one hand tied!"

"Oh, Lee! Your thoughtfulness makes me swell with pride!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!" The group looked at Naruto. He shrugged. "What? I wanna fight. Oh, that reminds me. Hey, Sasuke-kun!"

"What?"

"I bet ya that I'll beat Lee-senpai when you couldn't!"

"I doubt that."

"Does that mean you'll accept…?"

Sasuke's eyebrows twitched at Naruto's happy-go-lucky tone. "Yeah, sure, whatever."

"Okay, then! You'll owe me one favor if I win the bet…"

"Fine." He scowled at Naruto's gleeful face. What the heck was the psychotic dobe planning? Maybe he shouldn't have accepted the bet. Well, he was in for it now, so he might as well go along for the ride.

The contenders took their spots at the makeshift arena. Lee settled back into his Gouken stance. Naruto just put his weight on his right leg, his arms looped behind his head. He grinned at Lee's confused stare and motioned for him to begin. Lee took the offer and started.

He darted across the field, striking Naruto straight in the face with a punch. Naruto went flying back, his arms flailing around. Lee felt a small jerk on his arm when he pulled back, but found nothing there.

Naruto put a thumb to his nose, wiping away the blood. "That was great, Lee-senpai! I couldn't even see ya move!"

Lee swallowed nervously. "Naruto-san, are you sure you wish to continue?"

"Of course! C'mon, hit me with yer best shot!"

Lee shakily accepted and rushed in again. Each time he lashed out, Naruto took the blow head-on. He could barely dodge each hit, even with Lee restrained to three limbs, and his attempted attacks were pathetic by comparison, each one missing the mark by a mile. What was strange, however, was not Naruto's enthusiasm in being hit and refusal to quit, but rather the speed at which the boy recovered and the tug on Lee's arm or legs each time he attacked with them.

With each pull, the sensation became clearer and easier to distinguish. It was cold and hard and thick, wrapping around him before suddenly disappearing before he had the chance to see the culprit. It bothered him, but he would not split his attention when Naruto was obviously giving Lee all of his.

Lee saw Naruto falter and decided to end it. No use in stretching out what was nothing more than a public beating. He ran forward, intending to knock Naruto down in one decisive blow. His foot reached forward.

Naruto grinned capriciously. "Got'cha!" He snapped his fingers.

The dirt underneath Lee's foot glowed blue before lightning struck his leg and traveled up his spine. Lee was paralyzed for a moment. It was all the chance Naruto needed.

"Kinton: Hebi Kusari!"

Chains erupted from Naruto's sleeves, two from each one. They undulated like living snakes before striking their victim. The chains wrapped themselves around the spandex-clad genin, glowing with a small blue haze of chakra. Lee found himself totally bound by the combination of the paralysis seal and chakra-enhanced shackles. He recognized the feel of the metal; it was what had kept tugging at him! Naruto grinned in triumph. But still, he had to make sure…Retrieving a capsule from his coat, he tossed it at Lee.

"Yay! I win!"

Lee watched as the capsule drew closer. Did this mean he lost? He lost to someone who used cheap tricks? No! He wouldn't allow this! He wouldn't! Straining against his binding, Lee grabbed the chains. "I won't lose! Not like this!"

With a bestial yell, Lee pulled as hard as he could. Naruto was yanked off his feet and towards the boy. His eyes widened as the capsule opened with him in the proximity of the blast.

Green gel exploded from the bomb, swelling up to huge proportions and swallowing up the two genin inside of it. When it grew to its full size, a loud, long hiss escaped, and before long the gel became firm and spongy. Naruto and Lee looked at each from a foot away, but their limbs couldn't move enough for them to escape. Naruto tilted his head and laughed.

"Oops! Guess that didn't work as well as I thought! You yanked me over really hard, Lee-senpai! It was like I was flying!"

Lee frowned. "I am disappointed, Naruto-san. I had thought the duel we would have would be an honorable and fair one, and not involve cheap parlor tricks."

Naruto smiled crookedly. "We're ninja, Lee-senpai. We're _supposed_ to fight dirty. But I know what you mean. Still, did you really think you were the only one who put all his worth into being the best at one thing? You're not the only one who sacrificed something." Lee's eyes grew confused. Naruto leaned forward and whispered something into his ear then gently rapped his skull against Lee's.

Lee's eyes widened. Naruto grinned mischievously. Lee threw his head back and laughed. "Yosh! I see, Naruto-kun! I have made an egregious error! Your flames of youth are strong, maybe even stronger than mine! Therefore, I lose this match and declare you as my eternal rival!"

"Really?!" Naruto blinked and his grin grew. "Whoo! I have a rival!" Now he had someone to foil his nefarious plots! It wouldn't be nearly as much fun to be an overlord without someone to defy him.

Gai, who had been listening in on the conversation, performed his 'nice guy' pose. "Yosh! It would seem that the match is over, and my cute student has admitted his loss! Thus I declare Naruto-kun the winner!"

"Yeah! I rock! Ha, I _own_ you now, Sasuke-kun!"

Sasuke scowled. Internally he was still pissed, but he did find Naruto's use of his kinzoku jutsu to be rather clever. He had to pay the piper, but seeing what Naruto did made Sasuke want those techniques all the more, and he still had the chance of getting them. "Hnn. Fine."

"Yay! Sasuke's gonna buy us all ramen!"

"Hey, wait a moment!"

"Now someone chip us out! The sealing gel from my Neba-Neba Bakudan is making me itch in places that aren't appropriate to scratch in public!"

"Allow me to take that…" Sakura grabbed the sledgehammer that Tenten had retrieved from her sealing scrolls.

"Oooh…That's a biiiig hammer, Sakura-chan. What are ya gonna- Hey, wait, that's not the right spot! Sakura-"

WHAM!

NTNTNTNTNT

Naruto looked around, his eyes taking meticulous note of his surroundings. "Dingy, moss and bile covered walls…"

Something rattled above him. "Poorly and randomly laid out pipes…"

He raised his foot, the soaked boot making a squelching sound. "Ground flooded with what looks like the run-off from the waste-treatment facility…"

He pursed his lips, his eyes narrowing pensively. "There can only be one explanation for all this…"

He slammed a fist into his other hand and squared his shoulders. "Sakura-chan must have hit me so hard she plowed me straight through the ground into Konoha's sewer network! Which is kind of weird 'cause I'm pretty sure there was only bedrock in the area we were at. Man, I didn't know she had such a strong arm!"

Deciding to try and find his way out, Naruto considered his options. He could either wander around aimlessly, or devise a thoroughly thought-out plan that took into account the flow of the sewer's river, the number of pipelines that fed into the main one he was currently in, and the age of the section's construction to discover precisely where he was and go home. He was tired after all that had happened and just wanted to go to bed.

The choice was obvious.

"Mindlessly wander, it is! And I'm gonna go…" He spun in a circle and then threw his finger out. "That way!"

Obvious for him, _not_ for a normal person.

Naruto trekked his way through the sewer. It was stinky and slimy and all-together pretty gross. (Which, he noted, made it _perfect_ for an alternative base since no one would ever want to come down here! Now, if he could just figure out a way to drain the pipe without causing a major back-up in all of Konoha's toilets, he'd be peachy.

Plus the sewer was getting kind of repetitive. Nothing changed!

After what seemed like a couple of hours, Naruto finally came across a landmark that was completely different from the rest of the landscape. A giant cage stood in front of him, with a small slip of paper with the character for 'seal' written on it.

Naruto frowned. A seal? Bah! Nothing could contain him, let alone some scrappy piece of paper! Not a cage or a seal or the giant fox creature that was lying on the other side of the cage, or even a…He paused.

There, curled up, was a giant demonic-looking fox. Its fur was scarlet and sharp, each bristle standing out like the quills of a porcupine. Its visage looked like the bastard offspring of a fox and rabbit, which had then been beaten with the ugly stick for a good several days before having an anvil dropped on it. Nine monstrous tails swung lazily behind the creature, creating small gales that blew through the enclosed space.

Golden eyes stared at him, their slitted pupils swimming with raw power. The fox opened its mouth. Its voice was deep and guttural, but strangely lacking in force or aggression. _**"Hello, end user Naruto Uzumaki."**_

Naruto blinked. Then he blinked again….And then again. _Then _he tossed his arms up and let out a hollering whoop. "Yay! I found the Kyuubi!" He paused and looked over his shoulder. "You _are_ the Kyuubi no Kitsune, right? Greatest of the bijuu, near destroyer of Konoha, and all around fuzzy little asshole?"

The Kyuubi lowered its head so it was resting on the floor. _**"I am SPIRSI project, LEGEND, serial number 000-K9T. Codename-"**_ It stopped. A stream of letters and numbers ran down the height of its eyes. _**"That data is missing from my memory. However, I believe I am the Kyuubi of which you speak."**_

"Great!" Naruto looked the great demon fox up and down. "So…what exactly are you?"

"_**I am a cyber-organic analytical machine created by SPIRSI to cultivate the use of the energy known as 'chakra.' My secondary function is to act as the main server for SPIRSI digital archives. Tertiary functions…are unknown. I am afraid that is also missing from my memory."**_

"So you're basically a giant walking, talking computer?"

"_**That is correct."**_

"Kick-_ass!_ Anyway, how did I finally contact you? I've been trying since forever and nothing worked."

"_**Within the last couple of hours, your brain has experienced a great deal of mental stress. It caused a break in your subconscious which lowered the effectiveness of the seal, thereby allowing me to make contact with you when you became unconscious. Whatever the stress was caused by, I would not suggest allowing it to happen again. Repeated occurrences could completely shatter your mind."**_

Naruto grinned maniacally. "I _knew_ it was an effective measure for cuddling cheese! It even let me contact the most dairy creature in the peanut! Bloobaroo!"

The Kyuubi looked down at the mortal that was running around like an idiot, babbling incoherent sentences. Perhaps the mental stress was having more of an effect that it thought. It hoped Naruto Uzumaki could still function properly.

After all, this was its new end user, the person who would lead it to greater knowledge. It would no longer have to slowly feed the child half-eaten memories as it slept, hoping for the best; it now had direct access to the boy.

It now had a purpose.

Today was a good day to be a bijuu.

"I am the Pumpkin King! Bow before my roundliness!"

Or maybe not.

A/N: Chapter four is done! Tenten finally appears. She considers Naruto a friend, and Naruto's just head over heels! Don't expect much romantic fluff or waff in this story; it mainly focuses on the chaos and inventions. For relationship advancement, pay attention to the omakes. To be honest, they won't be that warm and fuzzy either. But that's what makes this pairing so fun to write!

Also, Kyuubi has made its entrance! Notice that this Kyuubi is much different. As for how different, well, wait for the next chapter! In any case, Please Review, and remember, no flames!

_Next Chapter – Fun with Seals_

New Jutsu

Shuriken Shoutotsu (Shuriken Crash) – A grenade made out of shuriken. When activated, it folds out into about a dozen shuriken which then launch into every direction. The shuriken are specially coated in chakra so that they ricochet off objects, resulting in a constant storm of blades.

Hebi Kusari (Serpent Chains) – A melee weapon consisting of four ten-foot long chains, two coiled around each of Naruto's arms. They are hooked directly above his wrist (straight into the bone; both fore and back) and into his chakra coils by an input unit (simply attach the chains to the small metal ring). When chakra is run through them, Naruto can control them as though they were an extension of his arms, and they double as arm guards from the tight winding. The concept was taken from Anko's attack patterns.

Neba-Neba Bakudan (Sticky Bomb) – A type of bomb that stores expanding, extremely sticky goo. Once activated, the goo expands, collecting all in its path before hardening into firm, steady foam. It's very difficult to break out of and meant as a restraining device.

Omake!

**Ramen Combat**

"Ayame-nee-chan…! It's me…!"

Ayame twirled around, her face blossoming into a beautiful smile. Mr. Snugglebuns had arrived! She had been waiting so long for his next visit. With his downy hair and rosy cheeks and completely submissive attitude to being cuddled for hours on end, she couldn't imagine a more perfect boy! And now he had arrived to be molested – she meant hugged! _Hugged!_ – by her.

Ayame nearly bowled her father over as she hurried to the counter. "Naruto-kun!"

Her heels screeched across the ground when she saw the person accompanying her sweetie pie.

Fishnet full bodysuit, luscious boobs that hung out, and an open trench coat that barely covered said boobs. Everything about the woman screamed 'femme fatale,' from her sultry eyes to the way she held herself to the way that she…hung…on…Naruto…

Teuchi winced when his new batch of miso soup turned to blood and nightmarish entities attempted to crawl out. He slammed a lid on it and shoved the pot into the oven, turning it to high. Through the screams that emitted from the oven, he peeked out at what was going outside.

Just as he feared – another female was invading Ayame's territory. Teuchi sighed and picked up the phone to call his insurance company. Thank heavens he had taken out that "possessive woman" insurance out on Ayame.

Anko looked smugly at Ayame as she draped an arm over Naruto, pushing his head further into her chest. "Hi, how do ya do?" she drawled, extending a hand. "I'm Anko."

"Nice to meet you, Anko-san." Ayame accepted the offering and squeezed. A diamond could have been made from the pressure between their hands. "I'm Ayame."

Naruto smiled happily. "Anko-hime's a new friend of mine, Ayame-nee-chan! I hope you can be friends, too!"

Ayame felt herself melt as she looked at his eyes – those innocent, naïve, so very exploitable eyes of his. How could she possibly refuse a request of his when he made that face?! "Sure, Naruto-kun, _anything_ for you."

"Great!" He scootched up in his stool and laid his hands on the counter. "I'll start with two bowls of miso, two bowls of beef, and five bowls of chicken!" He looked at the special jounin. "How 'bout you, Anko-hime?"

"I'll just take a spicy shrimp."

"All right then, let me just tell dad and I'll get your order right away."

Anko watched as Ayame disappeared into the kitchen. She licked her lips. "Naru-chan?" He stopped singing "ramen~, ramen~" long enough to look at her. "I'm gonna go to the little ladies' room, k?

"Okay!" He didn't know there _was_ a ladies' room, though.

Anko slinked from her seat and into the back of the ramen stand. She found her prey happily stirring at a pot of broth, her back turned. No one else was around. Perfect…Anko silently crept up on the girl before brandishing a kunai. Just one more step and…She swung her hand down.

Ayame spun around and knocked the kunai out of Anko's hand. Anko had to duck suddenly when Ayame thrust at her with the ladle. It broke through the wall just inches above her head. When retrieved, the hole was perfectly circular and fit to the ladle's size. Only a great amount of force could have caused that without cracks. If it had hit her, she'd be missing a good deal of her head.

Anko sidled to the side and stood back up. She licked her thumb. "So, you felt me coming, huh? Not bad for a civilian."

Ayame fell backwards on her leg, holding the ladle at a downward angle. "I won't let any harm come to Naruto-kun."

"You mean you just want to ravish him yourself."

"Is that a problem?"

Anko chuckled darkly. "A girl after my own heart. Too bad I have to kill you."

Ayame mirrored the smile. "I feel the same way."

The two did not move. Each waited for the other to strike first. A second passed, then a few more. Finally, the tension snapped

Anko punched forward with both fists. "Sen'eijashu!" Snakes flew from her sleeves, fangs dripping with venom.

Ayame grabbed a saucepan and batted them away. The snakes burst into smoke at the shock. She shoved the ladle into a pot full of ramen and then yanked it out. "Shimetsukemen!" Noodles flowed along the ladle, forming a long, rubbery whip. Ayame lashed out at Anko.

The snake lady dodged, watching in distant awe as the whip wrapped itself around a steel beam and crushed it into a dense metallic blob. She shook it off and chucked some kunai at the ramen waitress. Ayame countered with some kitchen knives.

Curses and expletives were shouted back and forth as the violence escalated, the kitchen becoming a veritable war zone.

Teuchi leaned down and ruffled Naruto's hair from his safe position outside. "Hey, Naruto, how about we eat somewhere else?"

"Aww…" the boy whined. "I wanted some ramen…"

"I'm afraid we're having some problems right now. C'mon, I'll buy you some barbeque."

"Okay…" Naruto jumped down from his stool and grabbed Teuchi's hand. "Let's go, Teuchi-ji-san."

The two walked off into the sunset, leaving the carnage in the stand far behind.

Teuchi's premiums skyrocketed from then on.

**Kakashi-sensei!**

He was everywhere. No matter where he went, Kakashi would always be found and attacked. At first he thought it was just a joke. But then he discovered that it was far, far worse. Anywhere he went…

_He_ was there.

NTNTNTNTNT

Kakashi giggled as he bought the newest edition of Icha Icha. It was the limited, platinum edition of volume 5! He had waited in line for eight hours to get the book! And now it was his, all his!

Kakashi found a cozy place to read in the café and opened the book up. Ah, nothing like a good read and a steaming hot cup of coffee. He lowered his mask to take a sip, wincing happily at the bite of the bitter drink.

He was in heav-

"Kakashi-sensei!"

Note that boiling hot coffee is difficult to drink, but painful to wear. Especially when you wear it as an outer pair of pants. Plus, it's hard to get the stain out.

Not to mention the _searing pain!_

NTNTNTNTNT

Kakashi examined the apples. He needed to go shopping more often; his produce kept growing that nasty white stuff on it whenever he turned his head.

Granted, he usually turned his head for a good several days but that was beside the point.

He placed the apple back down. The melons were looking good, and they were on sale, too! Kakashi reached forward to pick one out when the stall began to tremble. The melons shifted as something orange and yellow leapt out of them.

"Kakashi-sensei!"

NTNTNTNTNT

He could hear him. The night took away all noises except for that giggly call. It just wouldn't go away.

Kakashi knew he was outside. He knew it!

"Kakashi-sensei~"

Kakashi pulled the covers over his head. He wanted his binky!

NTNTNTNTNT

Kakashi ambled his way to his team's meeting ground. And this time he was actually going to be punctual. That would throw those kids for a loop, especially that demonic little brat. Kakashi would show him what for!

He wasn't some toy that could just be played with! He was one of the elite, the best of the best. Some wet-nosed punk couldn't break his spirit! Not him, not Kakashi of the Sharingan!

"Ah! Kakashi-sensei!"

Kakashi spun around, his eyes screwed shut. "I give up! Here, take my body! I've refused for so long but I can't take it anymore! Do what you want with me, but please, be gentle…" He crossed his arms in front of his chest, bashfully looking at his feet.

Nothing happened. A few seconds passed, and Kakashi opened his eyes and looked up.

There stood Iruka, his hand frozen in greeting. The chunin gulped. "Um, never mind. It was nothing. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to do something…over there. Yeah, over there." Abandoning all pretenses, the man ran down the street as fast as he could.

The number of times Kakashi Hatake had wept openly in public could be counted on one hand.

That now increased to two.

NTNTNTNTNT

"Ugh! Where is that lazy-ass?!" Sakura stomped her foot as she glared death at nothing in particular.

"Hnn, he's a bit later than normal, and that's saying something."

Naruto shrugged and lounged against the tree. "Who knows?" He closed his eyes, his lips smoothly forming words.

"Kakashi-sensei~"


	5. Fun with Seals

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, because if I did, I would wipe the Uchiha clan and all knowledge of its existence from this temporal plane.

**Nin Tech  
Chapter 5: Fun with Seals  
By Irritus185**

Right, see, this was the main problem with the kage bunshin. It had nothing to do with the fact that for most users, it drained their chakra till they were teetering on the verge of collapse, or the result was that each time an extra or multiples were created, it would invariably be weaker than the last.

No, the true peril lied in its weak chakra matrix and reliability on his brain's current activity.

He already knew that it wasn't the brightest of ideas to have his copies working on delicate and quite dangerous experiments when he himself ran the risk of bashing in his cranium and thus disrupt the tenuous hold of the clones' molecular cohesion.

It was another point entirely to find himself knocked unconscious while courting his beloved metal goddess and her comrades – quite the harmless endeavor.

He probably should make sure he was completely withdrawn from his volatile teammates before a clone attempted a new chemical compound that would make his bombs more efficient and powerful.

The wind blowing his duster back and forth from the ten-foot-wide hole on the fourth level of his apartment complex – created when two rather unstable elements mixed due to his clone's abrupt departure – whole-heartedly agreed with his conclusion.

Naruto glanced down at Metaru, who was currently looking out the rather breachable part of his security. The small metal fox gazed back at him, copper eyes moist with thin oil.

"You know I blame you for this."

Metaru whined and hid his head with his paws.

Of course, now came the added complication of dealing with an omnipotent (and mostly likely insanely bored) biomechanical chakra-based entity lodged somewhere within his cerebral cortex with no sure way of contact.

There was the option of repeating the chain of events that led to their initial meeting, but Naruto contemplated on the fallibility of causing irreversible mental trauma every time he felt like talking to it.

Which meant there was only one course of action he could take.

As the Naru-kuns crawled over the room, setting temporary reconstruction measures over the hole, Naruto nodded to himself.

"I have to see Ibiki-kun."

* * *

Now when most citizens of Konoha thought of the building that housed the Interrogation department of its shinobi ranks, the first image that popped into mind was a towering fortress with spiked buttresses and steel-plated windows, gnarled trees and decrepit vegetation sprawled out like an abandoned field, and the cries of the damned wailing through all hours of the day and night.

And they would be quite wrong…on most counts.

In all actuality, the entrance to the underground prison and torture chambers of the Village of the Leaves's seedy underbelly was probably the most nondescript and possibly even cutesy building in its limits.

It looked like a basic two-floor building, painted a tasteful viridian green with a small garden lining the front and sides with all manners of wildflowers. There was even a small sign picketed next to the door that jokingly had the words, 'Beware of Anko' scrawled in chicken-scratch handwriting. And there was absolutely no hint of terrified screaming or pained shouts for it _to stop_.

This was because the entire interior of the building, and its four underground levels, was lovingly and painstakingly soundproofed so that not even the usage of a sheep, two gallons of egg-white paint, a neon pink boa, and five square yards of saran wrap would make the slightest peep.

Naruto found the acoustics so _relaxing_.

Waving a greeting to the guards in the entrance chamber, who in response only gave acknowledging grunts before focusing on more pressing matters like that bloody sudoroku, Naruto walked to the sealed security door, swiped a bloody thumb over the analyzer and then made his way down to the bowels of the department.

Upon finding the person he was looking for, a wide grin split his face. "Ibiki-kun!"

The heavily scarred man turned from the viewing window and glanced at Naruto, a corner of his lips turning up ever so slightly. "Ah, welcome, Uzumaki."

"You busy?"

"Nah, let me just finish up this one thing and I'll be free until my next appointment."

Naruto sidled up next to him and looked through the window. In it was a blindfolded ninja, most likely Cloud from his hair and skin color. He was fairly scuffed up, several small gashes leaking blood from his temples and forehead, and multiple bruises and burn marks around his upper torso and arms.

Naruto smushed his face to get a closer look. "He new?"

Ibiki shrugged. "The usual. Secret mission, unrecognized by his village, willing to take the objective to his grave." He fingered his bandana, where no doubt his own scars were aching in remembrance. "I've only been working him over periodically. Seems fairly young, so he was probably some hotshot that got too cocky and over his head."

"Only one to get captured from his group?"

A chuckle. "Pretty much."

Awkward silence.

"I'm about to test another one of your prototypes. Seems appropriate to try the rookie on the rookie."

"Which one?"

"Ya know, the one that…" He snapped his fingers, a tiny spark flashing from the course metal in his gloves.

"_Really?"_ Naruto shouted, his voice peaking in a light-hearted squee. "You're finally gonna use that one? Yay!"

Ibiki grinned lopsidedly and patted the boy on the head like a pet. He then lumbered over to the connecting door, unlocked it, and walked in. He stepped behind the Cloud nin before ripping the blindfold off. Naruto watched as the bear of a man asked the nin several questions, the captive not answering back a single time.

Ibiki yanked the nin's head backwards by his hair and was rewarded with a spitball right between the eyes. The prisoner sneered in hard-earned victory. Ibiki stared for a moment, sighed, wiped the spit from his face and then walked to the other side of the room. He picked up two single-pronged rods, one end with a small metal sphere, the other with wires connecting to a machine.

Tapping them together, an arc of electricity bounced back and forth. The prisoner's eyes noticeably widened at the sight. Ibiki shrugged, said something, and then touched a prong to either temple.

The entire room lit with the glare of pseudo-lightning.

Naruto smiled joyfully as his pupils contracted to pinpricks. He _liked_ this technique! He could see it through his _eyelids_. Heck, he was still seeing it _now_.

Ibiki replaced the instrument back in its holding receptacle and walked out of the room, ignoring the nin's spastic flopping. When he opened the door, the smell of barbeque lingered on his clothes. He slapped his hands together, brushing off some ashes. Naruto gazed hopefully at the older man, eyes shining, hands clasped together.

Ibiki growled. "Well, I suppose I can call that as a B-. I didn't get any info out since he passed out, but I'm pretty sure I'll get something later so I don't have to repeat myself."

Naruto drooped at the evaluation. Only a B-?

The head of the interrogation department pursed his lips at the blonde's forlorn expression. He rolled his eyes and laid a hand on the boy's shoulder. "But…since it made him piss himself with only one application, I think I can bang it up to an B+. Just try to find a better way of modifying the effect. Now, what can I do for you?"

Perking up at the raised grade, Naruto grinned fiercely. "I need you to shrink me."

Ibiki stared blankly at him, raised a finger and opened his mouth, paused, put down his hand and closed his mouth, and then turned and walked away.

He barely made it a meter before Naruto tackled him behind the knees and brought them both down like a sack of potatoes.

"Ibiki-kun…~"

"I'm not doing a mind dive on you, Uzumaki." His face was calm as he lashed a foot at the young teen's face.

Naruto deftly dodged the attack and hunkered down closer to Ibiki's waist. "But _why….?_"

"Maybe because the last time you specifically asked me to, they found me in a tree in only a lime-green thong thinking I was a squirrel." Now, if only he could find the right torque and leverage to pry the jinchuuriki from his thigh…

"Well, what's wrong that?" Blast, Naruto locked an arm around his knee. Now Ibiki had to decide whether a broken leg was worth the lichen child's removal…Eh, it would heal.

"I don't _own_ a lime-green thong!" Why was it so _hard_ to remove a barely pubescent boy from his body? The sheer weight difference should have made it a given!

"You own a pink one."

"Which just makes me even _more_-forget it. Why don't you just have Anko do it? I'm sure she'd be more than willing to."

"Can't," Naruto pouted. "Every time she does I wake up drizzled in syrup and Anko completely naked and then jii-san has to explain the birds and the bees and I _still_ don't know what 15IBRC certified means!"

"As long as I never hear those words come out of your mouth again I will check your brain."

"Which ones? Anko naked?"

"No actually, that happens enough that I've been desensitized to it."

"Drizzled in honey, then."

"How about you never mention anything within the last sentence and we'll call it even?"

"Deal!"

Naruto finally disentangled himself from Ibiki and the man led him to a free room. Ibiki had the two sit in opposite chairs. He watched as Naruto looked around, that always present manic yet curious expression in his eyes. Ibiki sighed, hoping that this wouldn't result in the same circumstances again. He wasn't that big a fan of acorns.

"So, what am I looking for?"

"I just want to find out if there's an abnormality in my brain waves."

"Again, what am I looking for?"

Naruto puffed out his cheeks, looked to the upper-left and settled back in his chair, blowing out air. "Point. Look, I heard there's been a crack in my dreamscape. I just want to know where it is and, if possible, an easy way to access it without having to resort to more drastic actions."

Like the hammer to head equation. In his limited experience with that formula, the only possible answer equaled 'bad.'

"Should I be concerned as to the nature of this crack?"

"Probably."

"Right. Well, as long as it doesn't consume my soul, I'll be fine."

"Define 'consume.'"

"…shut up and sit still."

Naruto threw a sloppy salute. "Yes, sir!"

Ibiki frowned and then suddenly jabbed his hand forward, piercing Naruto's skull right above his brow with his pointer, middle finger and thumb. Red lines cut through Naruto's skin as they connected each finger to one another in a triangle. Naruto's eyes went blank, his body slouching forward as his mind opened up for exploration. Grunting mildly, Ibiki twisted his triangle seal a quarter clockwise. The skin moved with the cycle-like plates, revealing a murky hole where the blonde's forehead used to be.

Reaching slightly into the void, Ibiki pinched his fingers together and drew out a single silvery thread. He then took the free end and placed it on his brow. Immediately the surroundings shifted to the sewer that was Naruto's mindscape.

This technique was dangerous enough, only really effective and safe when performed on a willing participant. But using it on Naruto was a completely different can of worms.

Ugly, furry, manifold-tailed worms.

He quickly found the crack Naruto mentioned. Though in this case, it looked more like a rotten fissure in the sewer walls. Ibiki briefly wondered what on this great, green earth could possibly affect the little psycho like that, but decided against asking any further. Who knew what lurked within the heart of Naruto?

He certainly didn't and was damn proud of it.

This was most likely a stupid idea but hey, the kid knew what he was doing and could accept the consequences.

…well, at least he did an admirable job making it _seem_ like he knew what he was doing.

It only took a few swings of the metaphorical hammer to bring the wall down, especially since that was what the owner was planning on in the first place. Instantly the scent of musty fur assaulted his senses.

Ibiki made it a point not to discover what the origin of that smell was. Let the Hokage deal with it. The blonde was his grandson in all but name by now.

Ibiki cancelled the jutsu, allowing both himself and Naruto to return to the real world. When he saw that Naruto had recollected his full consciousness, he nodded. "Well, I did all I could do. You should be able to access that part of your mindscape much easier now."

Naruto grinned ferally. "Thanks, Ibiki-kun!" He remained silent for a few seconds. "Any suggestions how?"

The man just shrugged

Naruto mirrored his actions. "Eh, I'll figure it out for myself."

Ibiki rolled his shoulders and flipped through his clipboard. "So, what are you gonna do now?"

He smiled rashly. "I'm gonna go have a chat with a very naughty computer program. Thanks again, Ibiki-kun! And bye-bye!" With that, he gaily ran out of the room.

Ibiki kept looking at where the jinchuuriki had left. Was that really the smart thing to do? Could he have maybe, just maybe, made a monumentally bad decision that would create far-reaching and critical repercussions for all of mankind and all known history? Could he have let his nonchalance and apathy let him make the worst judgment possible?

Just what had he done? A horrific mistake?

Ibiki flipped a page. "Ooo…kunoichi from Grass. I hear they're real kinky." Ibiki grinned perversely and tucked the clipboard under his arm, whistling a jaunty tune as he exited the room. The melody bounced off the walls of the hallway, filling the building with the joy of music.

Magic 8-ball says, 'all signs point to yes.'

* * *

"Kyuu-chi! I'm baaaacck!"

Tepid water splashed around his soaked boots and pants, a faint echo repeating through the sewer system. Naruto plumbed his way to the bijuu's hiding spot, a happy smile plastered across his face.

So all it really took was a gross amount of un-distilled alcohol to fall back into his mindscape. Excellent. After all, what were a few thousand brain cells in the quest for ever-evolving technological marvels?

It's not like his fourth year of life was all that important to recall anyway. If it was, the memories would have run away quicker from the sake spirits. His brain was only as fast as the slowest cell, after all.

Lack of neurological knowledge notwithstanding, he finally reached his mental destination. Coming to the grand bars that blocked in the greatest of the tailed beasts, Naruto skidded to a stop, creating a minor wave that crashed against cage and fur, sprinkling droplets everywhere. Kyuubi raised its head at its end user's arrival, great amber eyes blinking languidly.

"_**Greetings, Naruto Uzumaki."**_ It stood up on its front legs, taking a sitting position. Kyuubi paused for a second. _**"But what is this Kyuu-chi you speak of?"**_

"Ya know! Kyuu-chi! It's a nickname." Naruto scoffed like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "And you deserve an especially cute one!"

"_**I see."**_ It cocked its head. _**"What is this feeling in my chest? It feels hot, like it is trying to burn me from the inside-out."**_

Naruto clasped his hands together and beamed. "Does it feel like butterflies and gumdrops?"

"_**Actually, it makes me want to test how much pressure it would take until your skeletal structure collapses on itself."**_

"Oh, that's anger. You know, when you want to destroy something so thoroughly that its very existence is erased from the space-time continuum."

"_**Ah, yes, that is the feeling I am currently experiencing. That name has made me angry."**_

Hooray! He just made an all-powerful engine of death and destruction discover rage! Sarutobi-jiisan would be so _proud_ of him! "Does that mean you love it? Eh, Kyuu-chi?"

"_**I do believe I am seeing red. Which is odd as I am built to usually only distinguish in monochrome. Perhaps it would be best if you refrained from that term."**_

"_Never!"_

It was at this point that the Kyuubi discovered another form of emotion that it had not experienced, or maybe even known, for ages – anxiety. It was anxious that its prospects in one Naruto Uzumaki were perhaps misplaced.

Ah well, it supposed it would just have to make do.

"Say, say, Kyuu-chi."

Ouch, its central processing unit.

Naruto narrowed his eyes when he saw that Kyuubi had refocused its attention on him. "Why did you attack Konoha? If you're a computer, there was no need to do so. Wouldn't you have been better off simply observing in a more clandestine fashion, if you approached the village at all?"

"_**A prior member of your population intrigued me. He was able to bypass my firewalls, log directly into my central processor, and rewrite my programming to fit his needs. I wished to know how someone other than my end user could achieve such a feat. My attack on your village was simply a routine experiment to see if I could provoke such a reaction again. Instead, I was forcefully downloaded into your body."**_

"Huh. Hey, you remember what the guy who hacked you looked like?"

"_**Unknown. That sector of my memory has been corrupted beyond repair."**_

"Your original end user?"

"_**Corrupted."**_

"Why you aren't at this SPIRSI in the first place?"

"_**Corrupted."**_

"Do you remember anything at all?"

"_**I remember there is an experiment that Project LEGEND did not finish. Other than that, there is very little I can recall. My memory banks were extremely damaged at some point, and I have not been able to recover the lost data since that time."**_

"When was the damage accrued?"

"_**My internal chronometer dates it at 987 years, 232 days, ten hours, four minutes, and twenty-six seconds ago. However, since that time I have gained a great deal of new data that I have compiled into my system in preparation for return to SPIRSI."**_

"Really…" Naruto rubbed his hands together. "And would you be willing to share that data with me?"

The Kyuubi brushed its tail along the walls of its prison, breaking large chunks off before they mysteriously repaired themselves. _**"I have already done so. Since your first interaction with technology and the information associated with it, I have been able to slowly download my knowledge and memory capacity into your mind."**_

"Well…that's good then!" He paused and frowned, a light going off in the back of his eyes. "Wait…does that mean all of those awesome things that I came up with, I didn't really come up with? That was all you?"

"_**Affirmative"**_

"Well that sucks!" He stomped his foot down in a particularly dreggy section of the pool. "And here I thought I was some scientific genius with brand new ideas that would revolutionize society!"

Kyuubi remained quiet as it attempted to rationalize the boy's thought processes and sense of pride.

"Wait, what the hell am I saying? I've got over a millennia worth of doomsday blueprints in my noggin, just waiting to be constructed! This is awesome!"

Kyuubi quickly came to the conclusion that attempting so was a pointless and ultimately forsaken endeavor.

Winding down from his diatribe, Naruto rubbed the back of his neck. "Say, could you maybe come down? Looking up like this is killer on my spine."

"_**Very well."**_

There was no flash of ethereal light, no tremor that shook the land, no whining or pop to signify a change; there was just Kyuubi, now the size of one of the larger Inuzuka hounds. Naruto blinked, trying to accept the sudden and simple metamorphosis. It didn't take him too long.

"You can just change shape? Wicked!"

Kyuubi tilted its head_**. "Being a chakra construct, I have no set form. The one seen before you is simply the default version given to me by my original end user."**_

"And the size?"

"_**The most efficient. If I stayed in this one while still in the real world, the distortions created by having so much energy in such a concentrated area would inevitably cause problems with the laws of physics in the surrounding vicinity."**_

Naruto stroked his chin. "So you can be anything then?"

Kyuubi nodded once. In its place was a copy of Naruto. "_**I am not bound by biological laws."**_ An old woman. _**"There is no danger in arranging my atomic structure to suit my objectives."**_ A rock. _**"Not even an organic shape is needed."**_ Though its current shape did not have a mouth, or even the vocal cords required to produce sound, Kyuubi's monotone and low voice still emanated from its 'body.' _**"So there is no point in becoming attached to a specific form."**_ Back to its original shape.

The boy inventor's eyes gleamed with anticipation and his mouth formed into a cruel parody of a smile. "So then there's no problem if I request a specific body-type?"

"_**As long as the information of its structure and appearance can be compiled, I can make it."**_

He rubbed his hands together. "Excellent…" With nary a moment wasted, he launched into a detailed description of his desired form.

When finished, the Kyuubi took a moment to sift through the measurements, colors, and minor points. Its eyes sang with numbers and codes before they settled back down to their golden hue. _**"Understood."**_

The fox was gone. In its place stood a breath-taking female human about the same height as Anko. Her long, luxurious hair was the color of blood, crimson locks pinned up with black barrettes. A narrow face, sharp upturned nose and full lips helped to accentuate the canted nature of her eyes, her amber irises framing cat-like slit pupils. A maternal body, with full breast and rolling hips, was refined to fetish-fuel levels under the silk blouse, white doctor's coat, and skirt that just made it past indecent. Her long, tanned runner's legs were laced with stockings that crept their way into her skirt and ended in not-very-tasteful stilettos.

Kyuubi's new human form pursed its luscious lips together. The action would cause lesser men to shiver and bow in reverence. On Naruto, it just made him grin more nastily. _**"I have the sudden urge to have someone lick my feet. Is this normal?"**_

"Perfectly."

"_**Ah. I am afraid I will never understand the behavioral instincts associated with humans and clothing."**_ It gestured down at itself, causing parts of it to jiggle. _**"Is this appropriate, Naruto Uzumaki?"**_

"Perrrfect," the boy purred. "You fit the image of the scientist's hot lab assistant exquisitely, my dear Kyuu-chi."

Now the licker had the addition of being blond. _**"I see. Is there a goal associated with this exercise?"**_

He parted his lips. "Just figuring the best form for you to take as my new assistant. Oh, and you will now refer to me as doctor – just doctor."

Kyuubi tilted its head the other way. A stray strand of hair fell in front of its eyes. _**"As you wish, doctor. But how will that work? I am currently trapped inside your body, and I am afraid that the amount of assistance I can offer will be limited until that is addressed."**_

Naruto bent forward, framing his chin with his finger and thumb, and, looking up at it with sinister eyes, laughed softly. "You just leave that to me, Kyuu-chi. Don't worry, you'll be out in no time."

"_**Would that not be contradictory to the purpose of keeping me inside in the first place?"**_

He waved a hand flippantly. "Eh, I'm sure you'll behave." He turned around and held his hands behind his back.

"After all, it's not like I'm going to be that much less destructive than you when the chips are down." He looked over his shoulder. "Right?"

Kyuubi simply titled its head.

Perhaps its prospects would not be in such dire straits, after all.

* * *

History tends to put a positive spin on events, at least in the favor of the one writing it. Konoha was known as the most peaceful and powerful of the shinobi villages, but that was only completely settled after slaughtering an entire clan that had been stewing in vainly superior treason for a few generations. The Six Path Sage was known as the greatest person in shinobi legends, a man who completely evolved ninja techniques…by creating new, colorful, and – most of all – obliterating ways to kill people.

But in _this_ case, Neji morosely pondered, there was no way history could view the antics and atrocities of one Naruto Uzumaki meeting one Tenten Chang'e in even the gentlest of lights.

Because Fate was a bitch like that.

"Oohhh! Welcome, team seven! May your flames of youth never burn out!"

And because Lee was a moron.

Neji watched from a short distance as the remains of team nine greeted the teacher-less dregs of team seven. The spandex-clad fool had made the suggestion of the two teams meeting up on their free time so as to 'strengthen the bonds of their youthfulness.' In truth, this was probably just a way for the boy to futilely hit on the rosette, and Neji wanted no part in it.

It was better to remain isolated than be brought down by the losers of society.

That was until Tenten made the vague threat of asking him to test one of her weapons with _that_ look in her eye. Between the choice of a few hours of annoyance and several days of hospital treatment, the choice was obvious.

For heaven's sake, the girl had gotten _worse_ since her initial contact with the mad pariah.

Lee was shouting something incoherently, most likely about his desire to become the greatest taijutsu specialist and rise through the ranks to match their sensei or about the blossoming of springtime or-

Oh, and now he was flying due to a haymaker from the dyed fangirl. Funny, even if the girl was one of the more pathetic strains of this year's kunoichi, she had a surprising amount of power in that frail body.

Neji averted his eyes when Naruto looked in his direction and suddenly perked up. He ground his teeth together when the blonde then proceeded to trot at a quick pace towards him. How…bitter.

"How you doing, Neji-han?" Naruto asked, that toothy grin annoying the Hyuuga further.

"I am fine, Uzumaki," he replied. "Although I do not see why you're here."

"Awww…Don't talk like that, Neji-han! We're all friends here."

Neji allowed a snort to escape from his mouth. "I fail to see the 'friendship' that you seem to be implying."

Naruto drew his lips together and cocked his head. "Well, we're talking, aren't we? I'm pretty sure that constitutes at least a passing friendship. Plus I know your friends, so we're friends by association."

"Your logic is confounding. I can see why you were the bottom of your class."

"Yeah…" Naruto laughed. He scratched his cheek. "I was kinda lazy when it came to schoolwork. Probably the reason why I failed so often."

"It is not surprising." Naruto gazed questioningly back at him. "As I have mentioned before, fate determines how we live and how we die. It was fate that you failed, and it was by a trick of fate that you became a ninja."

"Isn't that a bit pessimistic?" Naruto shrugged his shoulders. "I can't really believe that life is ordained for us simply because some metaphysical and grand entity thinks of us like game pieces in some mystical game."

"…your vocabulary is shocking for one of your lineage and makes me wonder about your mental clarity."

"Thank you!"

"But that means nothing."

"Awww…_c'mon,_ Neji-han…Don't be such a party pooper…"

"I am not a-"

"Neji!"

The two turned to fine that the others had reached them. Lee was sporting a large bruise on his cheek, the perpetrator frowning imperiously as she hung behind the Uchiha scion as if for protection. Sasuke himself was simply trying to ignore both of them, not wanting to be caught up in antics that would no doubt be a waste of time and energy. Tenten was smiling awkwardly, like she wasn't sure what to do next.

Neji gathered himself up, not wanting to show any weakness. Naruto had caught him slightly off guard with his sudden philosophical attack, and he didn't want his image as the cool member of the branch family to be tarnished. "What is it, Chan-"

"Ne, ne, listen, Tenten!" Neji bit his tongue at Naruto's interruption. Of all the impertinent… "Neji-han's going on and on about fate and how everything's set in stone. Can you believe that?"

Tenten shrugged noncommittally. "It's not completely wrong. Some things feel like they're supposed to happen, right?"

Naruto's eyes gained sparkles. "Like my meeting with you?" Tenten leaned back at the smaller boy's enthusiasm.

Sakura stealthily (in her opinion) sidled up next to Sasuke. **"Shaa! More like my bond to Sasuke-kun!"**

"Hnn." Sasuke wanted to go now.

Seeing the two's positioning, Lee raised a fist, crowing his rebuttal. "Than I will break that stone called Fate and carry it on my back for five years! And if I can't do that, then I will break the Hokage monument and carry _that_ for _ten_ years!"

No, metaphorical and literal challenges made absolutely no difference to Lee when he entered 'hard work' mode. Even if the very heavens swatted him down, he would jump right back up and give them the middle fing…er…flames of passion! Yes, that's what he meant, not such a dastardly and obscene gesture as what he was _not_ thinking of.

"So what you're suggesting is to punch fate in the face?"

"Of course! Anything can be accomplished with a steady heart and a strong will!"

"So violence _is_ the key to a happy life!"

"…quiet."

"How could you say that, Naruto-kun? Violence is not the key to a productive lifestyle. You must throw away such notions if you want to stoke the flames of youth."

"But then when can I punch fate in the face?"

"You can't punch _anyone_ in the face, stupid!"

"Quiet."

"But you do it all the time Sakura-chan! Gah! See, you're doing it right now!"

"I do it because you don't learn!"

"I don't think an explosive seal to the head would make him learn how not to be a dobe."

"Don't be so mean, Sasuke-kun…!"

"Now, now, Naruto-kun, I'm sure he was just being-"

"I said QUIET!"

They looked up quickly and backed away from the trembling Neji. His lips were pressed tight, one lip bleeding slightly from the tooth gnawing on it. His Byakugan was activated, the bulging veins surrounding his eyes lending to the irate expression that encircled his face. His skin was paler than usual, moving ever so slightly to the barely restrained rage that was trying to blare out its battle cry.

His voice was ice on the sun, steaming and waiting for the backlash to come crying out, his words carefully selected so as to have full effect. This was a side of himself that he rarely let out, one whose defenses were tumbling because of these…_fools_ who refused to accept reality for what it was.

"Your beliefs are mistaken, you words empty. There is nothing that one can do to avoid the life that is given to them. You are simply born, live, and then die according to the will of the cosmos. Human beings are nothing more and nothing less. Attempting to strive beyond that is arrogant at best and blasphemous at worst."

"That's not right, Neji-san!" Lee took the opportunity to stand up. "There's nothing that can't be accomplished if you just try hard enough. After all, someone with as low as grades as me in the academy was able to garner the attention of someone as great as Gai-sensei."

Neji turned to him, blank lavender eyes staring harshly. "Lee, how many times have we seriously sparred?"

"Fifty-seven times, my ex-eternal rival!"

A cruel sneer crossed Neji's beautiful features. "And how many times have you won?"

Lee instantly deflated. A sheepish and ashamed look entered his eyes. "…zero."

Neji nodded. "Do you see? No matter how hard you try to exceed you limits, fate will always make certain that you are brought back to the cold earth." He turned to Naruto. "The same holds true for you. You will always obey fate's decree, no matter how you struggle."

Naruto was silent. Sasuke and Sakura watched in mute horror. They recognized the silence, but not the expression. Naruto always had a happy look or an intrigued look or an anxious look or a questioning look (which was the worst because then he insisted on 'experimenting' with that which caused the look)…but never before had he owned something that looked akin to pity.

Naruto sighed deeply, raising his hands up in exasperation. "Wow, I never thought that someone would be so caught up in their own fantasies that they would neglect to pay attention to their environment so thoroughly."

Neji's eyes narrowed. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, my dear Neji-han, that you have become so enamored with your chains that you have claimed them as your own invention and refuse to release them." He took a step forward. "Shame, really, but I guess we each have our own cross to bear, though you embellish yours to a frightening decree."

"How dare-"

"BUT!" Naruto whipped a finger out, its tip a scant inch from Neji's nose. "That just makes it so much more fun to clash with!" He grinned widely, his canines ludicrously elongated and sharp. "Allow me to smash those chains of your, Neji-han!"

Neji blinked.

Naruto was suddenly beneath him.

"THERAPYYYY…"

Riding on instinct, Neji tensed.

"PUUUUNNNCHHH!"

The remaining members of teams seven and nine stood, mouths agape at the scene. Neji was a couple meters away, having cleanly avoided Naruto's shocking but crude uppercut. Naruto was still smiling, swinging something lazily in his hand. Neji recognized the strip of metal and cloth and slapped a hand to his forehead.

Gone was his hitai-ite, leaving his caged bird seal open to the world. His mind skipped in the changing of gears, coming to a screeching halt. That boy…that _moron_ had revealed his greatest shame, his greatest weakness. And he was smiling!

He was smiling so effortlessly and heartily!

He opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off when Naruto did so first.

"Y'see," he started, twirling the headband on his pointer. "The thing about fate is that it only applies to people who believe it applies. If you think you're going to fail, then you probably will fail. If you think you eventually will succeed, congratulations, there's probably going to be a success sometime in your future. And when someone assumes something's going to happen, they're probably the ones that's going to make it happen more than anyone else who has a hand in doing so."

He frowned. "Fate is tricky like that. She might say that you are destined, but that means nothing unless you actively try. Fate could say I'll hit a wall in my journeys, and in all likelihood I will because I've exhausted every other option. Heck, I might hit a wall simply because I wanna hit that wall. The difference is what I do when it happens. Do I say screw it and turn back, find a way around it, or just smash my way through? Any of those options are viable, though in my case I'll probably choose the latter because I like blowing shit up even if it hurts me in the process."

Naruto tossed the hitai-ite up and snatched it sideways on its trip back down. "So, ya see, fate doesn't run how I live my life. My life runs how my fate goes. In essence…" At this, he winked and laughed.

"Fate is my bitch."

He looked down at the apparel declaring the wearer a ninja of Konoha and shrugged. He passed it back to Neji, who caught it with a suspicious expression. "So what do ya say, Neji-han? How's about I let you out of that cage and let you spread your wings?"

Neji glanced at his headband, hope barely sprouting in his heart. "What could you possibly do?" He couldn't know, that fool couldn't know of the fate passed down in his bloodline, the curse given to all Hyuuga who dared to be born outside the main family.

"You may not have realized this, but seals _are_ my specialty. That little tattoo of yours that you're so shamefully hiding is within my realm of expertise."

His hands froze. What…what was he saying? "You can't possibly…"

"Can't? Can't what? Help a friend out when he needs it?"

And even now the fool insisted he was a friend? What was going on within that bleached skull to make him assume such a thing? "The Hyuuga family's decades of tradition can not be overthrown so easily."

"Eh, tradition, my ass." Neji's head snapped up at this. "So I make a few more enemies. Not like that's so uncommon for me."

Neji said not a word. He looked down at his hitai-ite once more, that which shielded his pain, his failure. He looked up, at the shining, insane star that gleamed with energy. Was this the sun he had been seeking, that which was not shadowed by bars? Could he really make that step beyond fate to grasp what he desired?

"…what do I have to do?"

Naruto smiled. He walked forward until he was standing right in front of Neji, then he stuck out his tongue and flicked the taller boy in the head with his finger. Neji involuntarily flinched at the unfamiliar sensation. Barely a moment passed by before Naruto spoke again.

"Come back in a week's time. Oh, and bring a member of the main family you can trust." He smirked at the glare that had formed on Neji's brow. "Trust me, it can't be done without that." He turned around and sauntered away. "See ya then, Neji-han!"

When he reached the others, Sasuke grabbed him by the shoulder. "What the hell was that, dobe? What was with that manji tattoo on his forehead?"

Naruto put a finger to his lips. "It's a secret amongst men, Sasuke-kun."

"Sasuke-kun's a total man, Naruto!"

"Not yet, Sakura-chan," Naruto hummed, a mysterious and almost ancient look in his eyes. "Not yet. But I'm sure you'll be the one to first find out when he is."

Leaving a sputtering rosette behind, Naruto ambled away, humming a soft tune under his breath.

And Neji watched, his headband loosely hanging from his hand.

* * *

The day had passed, and the moon had begun its celestial tour. Neji lay in bed, thoughts wandering through his head. Could he really believe Uzumaki's words? Could he believe that the boy could possibly relieve him of his fate?

He clenched his eyes, daring not to dream.

And even if the possibility was true, who could he trust from the main family to help him? The caged bird seal was made for a reason, and it was in the main family's interest to keep such a seal active for as many generations as possible.

His father had paid the price for that knowledge. Neji was not so eager to learn it himself. So who could…

…no, no, there was one person, but he was loath to resort to her. How often had he belittled her, claiming their fate of failure was the only path through life? And now he would come on hands and knees to shatter his entire hold over her?

No, his pride demanded otherwise.

_Any of those options are viable, though in my case I'll probably choose the latter because I like blowing shit up even if it hurts me in the process._

…no. Screw his pride, he had a chance, and he would take it.

Rising from his futon, Neji exited his room and made his way through the main family's mansion. Upon reaching the room, he hesitated for a moment before quickly and quietly rapping on the sliding door.

There was a muted flurry of movement from within, and then the pattering of feet until the door slid open a crack. A mousy bluenette with wide, doe-like eyes stared out, letting out a small 'eep' when she realized who was at her door. "N-Neji-niisan," she squeaked. "What can I do for you? It's so late. Is something wrong?"

Neji swallowed the lump that had been growing in the back of his throat and shoved down the feelings of outrage in his chest. He squared his shoulders, clenched his jaw, and bowed lower than he ever had to the eldest princess of the Hyuuga clan.

"Hinata-sama, I beg a boon of you."

* * *

The week passed by quickly and quietly. For the members of team seven, maybe a bit too much so. Ever since the cryptic conversation behind Naruto and Neji, where the blonde had somehow manage to dumfound the notoriously icy Hyuuga, Naruto had been calm during their missions and training, doing everything exactly to the letter and managing to not blow up anything in the process. Even to Kakashi, who was pleased when he found the normally insufferable jinchuuriki to now be a servile and enjoyable subordinate, this was something that was cause for alarm. Hopefully it wouldn't end up with Naruto assaulting the Hyuuga compound, though they wouldn't put it past him.

When the two teams met up again, they found that Neji hadn't arrived yet. The air was of a somber nature, as while team seven did not understand the nature of Naruto's promise, team Gai understood all too well, and had no idea what to expect.

Lee, being Lee, was anticipating the moment when he could prove to Neji that work did overcome the ambiguous existence of fate. Tenten, on the other hand, could only hope that Naruto could put his money where his mouth was, as she was a bit more insightful to the ramifications it would have on the Hyuuga hierarchy.

Naruto, though, would have no hand in lending to the solemn attitude permeating the surroundings. Grinning like a loon, he blasted through the atmosphere like a fog horn, nearly barreling the others over in the process.

"ANYWAY!" He stomped a foot and snapped his fingers. "Since Neji isn't here to receive his present yet, I figured I'd give you two yours."

Tenten looked at him oddly. "…presents?" What in the blazes was he talking about?

"A-yup," he nodded. "Presents! What, did you think I'd give Neji one and just ignore the two of you? That's just rude. So…" He reached into one of the multitude of pockets in his duster and pulled out a bracer. It was made out of sleek steel, the length of a forearm. On it were several buttons, switches, and a tiny LCD screen on the underside. The inside was coated with a thin layer of felt, though there seemed to be several thin, sharp-looking needles poking in to the center like the spokes of a wheel.

Naruto gave it the once over and handed it to Lee. "Here ya go, Lee-senpai! For you!"

Lee hesitantly took it. "It is indeed a wonderful gift, Naruto-kun…but what is it?"

"Why, it's to help you with your ninjutsu!"

Lee's face drained of color, and he looked to the side. "I am sorry to say this, but this device will be of no use to me. I have no capabilities for ninjutsu or genjutsu, only the physical aspects of being a shinobi." He offered it back to Naruto. "I'm afraid I must give this back."

"Oh no, no, Lee-senpai," Naruto simpered, his hands reaching out for Lee's. "…I insist."

There was a blur of motion, a clack of metallic locks, and the discomfort of several pinpricks all around Lee's arm. Lee snapped his head down to see that the bracer had been secured on his right arm. He snapped it back up to see Naruto's leering face and was about to chide him severely for doing such a thing before he was stopped by a tinny, accented voice echoing from the bracer.

"**Initialization commencing. Blood analysis start."** Lee winced in pain as the pinpricks became more pronounced, the needles now lodged a good couple of centimeters in his arm. **"23% complete. 57% complete. 82% complete. 100% complete. Blood sample analyzed. Designated DNA as Rock Lee. Imprinting…Imprinting…Done."** The needles receded, and the voice took on a richer, more baritone tone. **"Welcome to the Flames of Youth, Lee-sama. How may this one serve you?"**

"…Naruto, what the hell was that?" Sakura slowly leaned away, afraid that Lee's arm would soon spontaneously explode and she would be showered by arm gore.

Naruto glanced at her, teeth gleaming. "Well, the only real problem with Lee-senpai is the flaw in his chakra production system. His pathways, for a lack of a better term, are congested. He can make the chakra, but he can't circulate it properly enough, so it stagnates and loses its potential for being used in jutsus." He turned to Lee. "Am I wrong?"

Lee shook his head, eyes wide. "But how did you…"

"You'd be amazed what you can find when you sift through sealed files in the hospital and shinobi academy."

"…isn't that illegal?"

"Maayyybeeee…But you're not gonna tell anyone, riiiigght?"

As one, they all shook their heads. If Naruto had managed to sneak his way into protected areas without being caught, or – even worse – had been caught and then let go with no punishment, they didn't want to incur his wrath lest they lose the proper articulation to sneeze.

No, it didn't make sense to them either, but when it came to Naruto, it was too entirely possible.

"Soooo…what I did was bypass that system entirely. That bracer you're wearing…" He pointed accusingly at the slightly humming apparel. "Is more or less a substation for your chakra. It absorbs chakra by using your blood as a medium and then converts it into the desired jutsu through a series of seals. So far I've only managed to make two due to the limited size of the machine and amount of chakra you actually produce, but it should be enough to help you immensely." He leaned forward and waggled his eyes. "Wanna try?"

With a shaky, almost unbelieving nod, Lee granted his approval. Naruto smirked and said clearly, "FY, activate Henge, program M-7."

"**Voice print confirmed. As you wish, boss."** With a shimmer of light and small haze of smoke, Lee's body suddenly gained a foot, fifty pounds, and a decade's worth of age. His bowlcut was replaced by a normal crop of bed-hair brown. He muscles became more defined, his green outfit now a civilian's wear of cargo pants, boots and jacket. His eyes became slits, his face squared, his nose smashed like it had been broken in many a bar fight.

To all intents and purpose, there stood a construction worker where a youth-obsessed teenager had been.

Naruto laughed at the shocked look on Tenten's and Lee's faces. "It can only assume the forms that exist in its library, but I can always alter or add on if you give me the time to."

"Naruto-kun, this is…this is…" Lee jumped forward, crushing the now much tinier lad in a manly bear hug. "This is truly wonderful! I feared I would forever be barred from any measure separate from taijutsu, but you have given me new hope. My flames of youth burn even stronger now! How could I possibly repay you?"

Naruto's muffled response made Lee loosen his grip. Naruto's head popped out from his chest. "…please stop trying to shatter my spine…?"

"Of course!" Lee barked and dropped the boy.

Tenten bent down at his side as Lee ran into a battling rant about how the youthfulness of youth would always overcome those that tried to oppress it. "You okay?" She knew the boy was smart in respect to his own form of inventions, but this was something beyond anything she could possibly expect. Just who was Naruto Uzumaki?

"Yeah," he grunted. "I'm good. I'd also tell him about the bunshin feature, but I'm afraid he'd dogpile me with the clones and crush me into a coma."

Tenten raised a thin eyebrow. "Aren't they supposed to be incorporeal?"

"Yeah." Naruto shook his head and took a deep breath, flinching at the soreness of his ribs. "But I'm sure he'd find a way."

Tenten's lips curled up. Really now. She chuckled lightly and tilted her head. "Well, what about _my_ present?" she teased.

Naruto stuck his tongue out. "Greedy." Tenten slapped him on the shoulder. "All right, all right! Don't hurt me!" He reached into another pocket and pulled out a pair of fingerless gloves that reached up to the first knuckle. He slapped them into her hands. "Here."

She stared at them. "They don't blow up, do they?"

"Tenten! You wound me!" He grabbed his chest where his heart was. She rewarded him with another swat. "That's only half of the present. Here's the other half." Out of the same pocket, he pulled out ten plain looking daggers.

Tenten took them and looked them over. They looked like any other kunai she had owned, though maybe a bit shinier and sharper than most. The only way to distinguish between them was the kanji for one through ten engraved on each of their handles. Looking at the gloves, she also noticed there were corresponding letters stitched on each of the fingers. Finding nothing else, she raised an eyebrow at Naruto.

He pouted. "Aw, do I have to explain everything?" She rolled her eyes. "Fine…" He pointed at the number carvings. "See, each one has a small seal that connects a certain kunai to a certain finger. Ten kunai, ten fingers; thus I call them the 'Tenten Gloves!'"

He had to fall to the floor to avoid the straight left jab to his nose. "Okay, okay! I'll be serious!" He sighed and took a kunai, tapping it on its associated finger. The two seals glowed in resonance. "I made a way to connect the two seals via chakra. When running chakra through the glove seal, it creates a sort of magnetic effect on the kunai seal and makes it gravitate back. I guess you could say it's sorta like a one-way kawarimi?" He rubbed the back of his head.

Tenten frowned slightly. She understood the basic jist of it. He had made a sort of homing jutsu that reacted only to a specific target. One to one, two to two, and so on. She glanced at the gloves and kunai, and then slid the left one on. Taking the kunai labeled 'one,' she threw it as far as she could. It landed amongst the treetops, out of her sight. She then focused back on her glove and ran chakra through her pinky, also labeled one.

There was a slight vibration, a burst of chakra, and the kunai materialized back in her palm, bleeding off excess chakra as it did. Tenten's eyes went blank at the implications given. She had…an infinite supply of kunai as long as they didn't break or dull too much. She never had to worry about being weaponless again. This was…this was…

Tenten didn't quite recognize the bubbling sensation currently developing inside of her, but she knew it was attributed to the smiling blonde across from her. She knew it was a good feeling though. "You wonderful, ingenious, spectacular man you."

He laughed. "I know."

"Hey, Naruto!" The quasi-tender moment was broken when Sakura shouted at them, peeved that the boy would spend so much attention on a team that wasn't even his. If he had, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to resist smacking him whenever he did something wrong…or cataclysmic. "Why aren't we getting anything from you?"

Sasuke just watched, though he agreed with the assessment as well. If Naruto would only give _him_ his inventions, his power would increase, and he would become that much closer to killing Itachi and restoring his clan's honor.

Naruto shrugged. "Well, they are a year ahead of us. They've already been on dangerous missions, so every little advantage helps. We haven't even had our first C-mission yet, so there's no real point in giving you guys anything. Do you really need an ultra-condenser to pick weeds?" His rational explanation brought their indignation to a stop. "Besides, I'm not trying to date any of _you._"

The feeling of constrained aggravation popped up behind him. He looked over to see a tic had formed in Tenten's right eye. "So you're saying these are bribes." It wasn't a question.

Naruto looked nonplussed. "Would you prefer a gift of my fair and pure intentions?"

Tenten was still for a moment, and the tic died down. "Actually, I'm impressed you're being so upfront." Maybe she should give him a chance…

"Good, 'cause they were _totally_ bribes."

"Ah, Neji-san!"

They all turned to find Neji finally arriving at the spot, a smaller girl quietly trailing after him. Lee ran to them, still in his henged form, and greeted them robustly. "Do you see, Neji-san? I have overcome my failings with the Flames of Youth!"

Neji glanced dismissively at the man. "And you would be?"

"Ah, my mistake. Of course you do not recognize me in this stature! Observe!" He pressed a button on the bracer, obviously having learned enough about its functions to cancel the effect. His original form popped out of a cloud of smoke. "It is I, Rock Lee, Konoha's beautiful green beast!"

The girl squeaked at Lee's appearance. "L-Lee-kun!" She blushed profusely and tapped her fingertips together.

Ignoring his babbling cousin, Neji glared straight at Lee. "Who did this?" His voice was soft.

"Why, it was my new eternal friend and rival, Naruto-kun-hey! Where are you going?"

Neji marched up to the sitting Naruto and stared down at him. The blonde just had an anticipating expression on his face. Was this really the boy to free him? Neji pursed his lips, closed his eyes, swallowed his pride again, and bowed to Naruto. "Uzumaki, I ask that you fulfill your promise from a week ago." When nothing happened, he opened his eyes to find Naruto's face right in front of his. Resisting the urge to yelp in surprise, he stood up straight, eye betraying nothing.

Naruto looked at him and stroked his cheek, biting on the thumb. "All right! You're here! Time to begin!" Neji also resisted the urge to sigh in relief as Naruto launched into his lecture. "See, I've always been interested in seals. They're so much fun – all that writing and geometrics and explosions and variations and explosions and various uses of mediums and explosions and…"

"Please," Neji ground out. "Get to the point."

"Right." He grinned sheepishly. "The point is that your little tattoo…" He poked Neji in the forehead. "With all its decades of tradition and strength and all that jazz…is one of the crudest seals I have ever seen. It's about as subtle as the explosive seals you see the shops sell." He paused and frowned. "Crude, but effective." Naruto spun on his heels. "It's as complicated as a hammer to the head, but when the result is the same, it doesn't _need_ to be all that complex."

Naruto made a sketch in the air in the shape of the manji. "The process is simple. Seal is activated, brain starts sparking out signals, and your brain, eyes, and optic nerves undergo sudden apoptosis – programmed cell death. It's quite literally a suicide switch." He lowered his hand. "And that's the problem."

Naruto frowned and bit his lip. "For all its crudeness, it makes sure of one thing. You try to remove it, it instinctively is set off, and there's no way to stop the process. So…I'm sorry, but I can't get rid of it."

Neji felt the weight of the world collapse on his shoulders. Then there was no way to escape his cage? No way to fly? No way to-

"BUT!" Naruto grinned and flicked Neji in the forehead. "That doesn't mean I can't alter the password needed to activate it." He turned to Hinata. "And _that's_ where your little family member comes in. She already has the password, the hand seal needed for activation. And I need it. Simply put…" Naruto leaned in, eyes shining. Hinata leaned back, eyes trembling. "I want you to activate the cursed seal."

There was silence, and then an explosion.

"What?" Tenten yelled. "You can't be serious! That's…that's-!"

"That's impossible, Naruto-kun! You can't possibly be insinuating that Hinata-chan chance Neji's death all on her own! That is too much!"

"I'm not even completely sure what's going on," Sakura added. "But I can tell that is pretty much the stupidest idea possible! You want Neji to try and _kill_ himself? Are you insane?"

"Yes," Naruto answered plainly. "But this isn't my choice and my future. It's Neji-han's. So the decision is up to him." He glanced sideways. "So what's going to be, Neji-han? You want a little help to open that lock?"

Neji was silent, his face made of stone. He blinked slowly and turned. He gazed upon the tiny mouse he had tormented and he stepped off the ledge. "Hinata-sama, if you'd please."

She shook. "Neji-niisan, I can't do it. I can't just…"

"Hinata-sama, please." His voice was course, gravelly and deep. "I shall never ask of anything again, if you grant me this one respite."

"But I…"

"_Please."_

"…all right."

Her hands alighted, her fingers bent, her tips touched.

And Neji's world erupted in pain.

Pain like he never felt. Pain like there never was. Pain that existed from eons ago and would last until the sun burned down to a husk. Neji was still.

Light blossomed in his vision.

He looked up to find Naruto angled over him. The blonde smiled. "Is…is it over?" Neji croaked, his throat the driest and cracked it had ever been. He must have been screaming…loudly. Naruto grabbed his hand and dragged him up to a standing position.

Naruto shook his head. "Not yet, but almost." He lifted his hand, the palm outstretched. On it were four small straight lines, each at the corner of what could have been a square. The ink was still wet, glistening in the sunlight. "Allow me to shatter that cage of yours called fate. Let's inject a little chaos into your life!"

Neji had no time to react as Naruto cocked his arm and launched it forward. "Theraaapyy… Puuunchhh…. Maark… TWWOOOOOO!"

He connected. Neji hit the dirt. When he got up again, he noted that the others were staring at him again, specifically at his forehead. Grabbing a small mirror from his pack, Neji looked at his brow.

Instead of the manji symbol, there was a square with a cross in the center. The added lines looked like they had been part of the seal since its creation.

This was no longer the caged bird seal. It was something else entirely.

Neji watched in disbelief as Naruto grinned. "Ya see, I put a randomized shift on the password. Every twenty-four hours, a new combination of eight hand seals will be needed to activate the seal. At twelve of the normal hand seals, plus four of my very own, the possibility of finding the right combo is…" He counted on his fingers, mumbling softly to himself, and shook his head. "Well, it's astronomical, to say the least."

Neji was speechless.

"So, what d'ya say, Neji-han? The sky all you ever wanted it ta be?"

And all Neji did was nod.

Naruto grinned. As the others encircled the Hyuuga to talk with the stoic boy, he cackled madly in his head. Yes…the seed was planted, and it had been given a healthy does of sun, water, and fertilizer. Now all he had to do was wait for it to grow into the spectacular blossom he surmised it would be.

Something 'tinged' in the back of his brain. An even greater grin spread across his face.

Mayhaps the Hyuuga was an even greater help than he initially thought. He looked at the semi-seal on his palm.

Yes…that would do nicely indeed.

* * *

Several more weeks went by, all of them with Naruto on his best behavior.

It was driving Kakashi mad.

Where was the mayhem, the carnage, the unilateral destruction of property? It wasn't what he was used to, and Kakashi did not do well when things were not going according to his vague, mysterious plans!

Sure, the peace had caused his other students to relax considerably now that they didn't have to worry about bursting into flames at the tiniest notion, and had even fallen into the mistaken assumption that Naruto had worn himself out and was playing nice.

But Kakashi knew. Kakashi knew the truth of the matter.

The mad inventor was planning, planning something hideous. Even more frightful than what Gai and his pupil Lee had become ever since gaining that blasted metallic voice box! And Kakashi would not allow it, no, he would not allow it at all.

He would get to the bottom of this enigma, even if it meant sacrificing part of his soul to the shinigami to do so!

The whistling of a falling object caught his attention. Something plowed a two-foot divot in the ground near his feet. In it was a battered Naruto, his clothes singed and still smoldering ashes sprinkling off. Kakashi looked up to see a somewhat sheepish Sasuke (which by itself caused a minor mental meltdown) with his hands still caught in the final step of the goukakyu jutsu. Oh great, so someone had finally snapped. Now how was Kakashi going to deal with-

Naruto's body exploded in a plume of smoke and chakra. Kakashi's eyes widened and immediately caught an identical signature hiding in the bushes next to him. His hand snapped out and fished a squawking Naruto from within.

But he knew, he knew this wasn't the _real_ Naruto.

The clone laughed awkwardly. "Err…hi, Kakashi-sensei."

It began as something deep within his gut but came crashing out with the force of a thunderclap.

"_NAAAARRUUUTTOOOOOO….!"_

* * *

Naruto tilted his head. "Whelp, looks like Kakashi-sensei finally figured it out."

A put down the solder next to its creator's hands. **"The plan lasted 137 more hours than calculated. Perhaps Kakashi-sensei's nerves worked against him?"**

He shrugged. "Well, it's not like it matters now, because…" Naruto took the solder and made one final adjustment to what he was working on. "It's done!"

He examined his current masterpiece in his hands. A metal collar, as thick as his thumb, was covered in many complex and archaic arrays. It wasn't nearly as complicated as the one on his stomach, which Naruto based it off of, but he made up for it with multiple layers of seals by laying sealed strip upon sealed strip of metal. And now all it needed was the most important component.

"You ready, Kyuu-chi?"

"_**At your command, doctor."**_ Kyuubi's voice floated in his skull. He had managed to mentally connect with it, but this would make certain things so much easier.

"Right." He bit his thumb, tearing it so blood flowed freely. It began to glow an even darker crimson as Kyuubi's chakra imbued it. Wiping it on the central array, he grinned.

"Kyuubi bunshin, kai!"

Something grew from within the collar. It started small but moved as though a curtain was being lifted. Scarlet locks tumbled from above; long shapely legs arched from below. In a matter of moments, the humanified Kyuubi was standing in his lab.

Its eyes opened, revealing those ageless orbs of amber. "Hello, doctor," it rumbled, smoky tone rippling with power. "It would appear that the experiment was a success. What do you plan to do next?"

"Why, science, of course, my dear Kyuu-chi," Naruto said. "Science…of all kinds."

A/N: And here's the fifth chapter! Hopefully I haven't driven you all away with my tardiness and lack of punctuality, but you should pleased to know that I will be writing more often, lest my friend Raithe travel all the way across the state to stab me in the eye with a spork. For those of you who may be wondering, the introduction arc of 'Nin Tech' has come to an end with the emergence of Kyuubi. Coming up next is the infamous Wave arc, where everything will really hit the crapper and all that techy action you've been waiting for will come to the forefront.

On a side note, I've decided to open a forum that circles around Nin Tech. Why? Because the more people yelling at and threatening me, the better chance you have of seeing a new chapter come out in the foreseeable future.

And as for shameless plugs, if you have the time or masochistic tendencies, please check out my blog, 'Thoughts on the Matter.' It's only a little thing, but it's constructive, and it holds the same purpose as the forum – the more people who read and review, the more often I'll do it and pathetically attempt to entertain the masses. Check it out at irritus185. blogspot. com/

_Next Chapter – When the Demon Meets a Make_

Omake!

**Why..? Just…Why?**

"So, you are really mine, FY-san?"

"**That is correct, Lee-sama. This one has been programmed to help you in any matters available to me."**

"That is stupendous!"

Lee walked through the streets of Konoha, getting better acquainted with the gift from Naruto. The blonde had explained he had installed a simple AI into the bracer's network so as to make it that much easier to handle and make suggestions of how to use it to the fullest extent. The fact that Naruto had based the personality algorithm on what he had gleaned from Lee was only the icing on the cake.

And so, the aptly named AI, Flames of Youth, or FY for short, was doing its best to help its new master. Lee was very pleased by its exuberance.

"So, FY-san, what do you suppose we should test first?"

"**This one would suggest becoming more familiar with my library of henge forms. The more you know, the easier it is to switch, and the more youthful your flames become."**

"Yosh! Then I shall do exactly that!" Scrolling down the list, he selected his choice.

Soon, there was a little, old lady in a yukata jumping across the roofs of Konoha.

"OOOOHHHH! This is indeed exuberant! I have never felt so alive!"

"**Yes, Lee-sama. But I think that it would be wiser to test the henge amongst other youthful folks, so as to ascertain its effectiveness."**

"But of course!" He was about to leap down when he recognized another shouting lump of green and eyebrows. Changing his target to that instead, granny-Lee hopped from the top of a three-story building to right in front of his beloved sensei. "It is great to see you, Gai-sensei!"

Gai was startled but quickly gathered himself together. He did not know this woman, but who was he to smother the flames of youth in someone so old yet who still believed in them. "It is great to see you, too, baa-chan! Forgive me for not recognizing you, but have we ever met before?"

"Do you not-ah! Of course!" Lee cancelled the henge, reverting back. Gai's eyes widened as he saw his supposedly nin- and genjutsu-less student in front of him. "It is I, Rock Lee! Cutest of your students!"

Gai's lips and eyebrows shook. "But how can this be?"

Lee raised his arm. "It is because of this gift given to me because of Naruto-kun! FY-san has allowed me to finally perform henge and bushin!" He nodded at the bracer. "Say hello to my master, FY-san!"

"**It is an honor to meet you, Gai-sama,"** FY said. **"This one's boss has inputted much information of you into me, all of it superb."**

Gai burst into manly tears and hugged Lee in the middle of the crowded street. Everyone gave them a wide birth, instantly recognizing the masculinity-bleeding duo. "I cannot put into words how happy for you I am Lee!" He grabbed KY. "And you too, KY-kun. Thank you for bringing hope to my student's breast once more!"

"**You are welcome, Gai-sama."**

"Yosh, Lee, you must find a way to thank Naruto-kun for all that he's done!"

"Of course, Gai-sensei!" Lee proclaimed. "And if I can't do that, I'll do one thousand crescent kicks!"

"And if you can't do that, I'll run all the way to the Fire capital!"

"**And if you can't do that, I'll recite Pi to the five-hundredth decimal place."**

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"**Lee-sama."**

"FY-san!"

"**Gai-sama."**

"FY-kun!"

"OOOOOOHHHHHH!"

"OOOOOOHHHHHH!"

"**Oooooohhhh."**

And thus the terrible trio of Konoha was born, thanks to the addition of the Beautiful Grey Beast.

And there was no rejoicing.

* * *

**Re-forging Steel**

Hinata sat alone in her room. She was still trying to wrap her mind around the events of the previous day. Neji no longer was under the heel of the main family? He no longer had to be worried about suddenly finding his life forfeit? What did it all mean?

And he had made her swear not to reveal what had happened. She wouldn't have, even if he hadn't asked.

She wouldn't wish that fate on anyone.

Someone knocked on the door. Hinata started. Another knock. She stood, made her way, and opened it.

Neji was on the other side.

"Neji-ni-niisan," she eeped. "What do you need now?"

Was he going to seal her lips, make it so she could never tell anyone of what he, and she, had done? Was this the end of it all?

Neji grimaced, his eyes cloudy. Then he bunched his hands into fists, and the mist cleared. "Hinata-sama," he began. "Would you like to have a sparring match with me?" He faltered over the next part. "I…I could give you pointers if you needed."

Hinata said nothing. She only looked straight ahead.

And then she smiled shyly.

"Yes…Neji-niisan…"

* * *

**What Do You Mean You Don't Have Tongues?**

"**And this will be your abode when you are manifested in the real world, Kyuubi-san."**

Kyuubi followed A to an empty room. Naruto had scampered off, yelling his head off about needing to write down this historical event down and then grab tools for experiments. For some odd reason, a feeling of dread washed over Kyuubi at those words.

Kyuubi looked down at the tiny clank, its neon eyes glowing in the shadow-filled room. She then looked around the room. It was bare except for a small futon tucked in the corner and a bookshelf next to it…but it had potential. She could use this place to expand her repertoire of technology and make her end user more powerful than ever.

Yes…this would work.

"Very well." She gazed at A. "This place is adequate for my needs. I thank you for making it possible."

"**You are welcome, Kyuubi-san."** A waddled its way to the door, and stopped. It clomped to face back at Kyuubi. **"Is there anything else you need, Kyuubi-san?"**

"No, that will be…" Something popped into its head, something odd and foreign and so utterly alien to its perfect logic and yet so inconceivably right on a molecular level that it couldn't be anything other than correct. "Yes, there is something." A waited.

"You shall now refer to me as…queen."

Code ran through A's eyes**. "That is acceptable. By your leave, queen."**

And somewhere in the darkness, something timeless watched…and laughed.


	6. When the Demon Meets a Maker

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, for I have lost my eyebrows of bushy powerness!

**Nin Tech**  
**Chapter 6: When the Demon Meets a Maker  
By Irritus185**

He tracked his way through the darkened halls, eluding his pursuers with everlasting grace and aplomb. Did those insignificants peons believe that he could be captured so easily? No, he would make them work for it, for he was unto a god!

No mere humans could understand the machinations of his mind. The only one who could even come close was that who unbound him from the shackles of mortality. And even then, they circled each other in a never-ending trial of cat-and-mouse – one hunting before the roles reversed and he became the hunted.

Luminescent eyes peered through the darkness, already finding one of the fools that would dare to intrude on his domain. And it was barely a child, an awkward amalgamation of limbs and clothes that was as ungainly as it was unsightly.

It whispered something into its earpiece, and he could already tell that it and the rest of its pack had mistakenly assumed that he was trapped.

Such arrogance, such foolhardiness. Though they often clashed, he would never submit, and in the end, he would remain the one truly victorious over those that went against him.

For he knew the true meaning of terror, that which came in jiggly mass and crushing anatomy, that which would try to squeeze the very life-force out of him lest he escape its clutches every time he was brought back.

And they were trying to reclaim him yet again.

This would not stand.

His ears perked up, his eyes shifted, and something came diving out of the supposed shadows, another of the young males – the one that was not his eternal adversary. The youth released a bola, iron chain whipping through the air.

With barely a glance, he dodged under it, giving a contemptuous swipe at the foolhardy youth before spring-boarding off his head. The boy found his face planted straight into the ground from his ridiculously-powered legs.

He soon found the girl in front of him, a finely-woven mesh-iron net in his face. Quicker this time, and with more effort, he slashed through that as well, the shock waves from his arm cleaving through the barrier of sound itself and blasting the ingrate of a child off her feet.

And when she was down, he found his savior and destroyer, smirking in that intolerable fashion like he always did.

"So…it comes down to us once again."

He barely nodded his head.

The master grinned cheekily. "It was smart of you, hiding in an enclosed space like this. We would be forced to react to your movements, while all you had to do was hide and wait to line us up, one by one." He cracked his hands. "But now…it's time."

Hands flinging forward, glowing chains erupted from the boy's sleeves, spiraling towards him like those blasted serpents of yore. He knew he could not cut through them, and their maneuverability actually had an advantage in the narrow hallway. So there was only one choice –

To jump right into the maw of the beast.

He leapt through the teeth of steel, his agile feet finding easy purchase on the links, using them as a railway straight. He ran like a demon from hell, dodging each attempt to ensnare and popping out from the linked fence.

And with a tumultuous swat, he slammed the boy into the wall.

The master grinned as he slid down. "Not…bad…my adversary." Soon, he was still.

The now hunter raised his head in victory. Ha, now _he_ was the master. No one would dare to clash swords with him now. Now he was free of-

He bumped into one of the numerous wires that crisscrossed every inch of the hall around his fallen foe.

Oh goddamn it.

And there was light.

* * *

Sarutobi grabbed the inkwell on his desk as it threatened to tip over from the quake that shook the Hokage's tower. His facial features remained unperturbed, as did those of the rest of the shinobi acting as bureaucrats for the daily mission debriefings.

Iruka scowled at the splotch of ink on the requisition form he was working on. Now he had to start all over again. He sighed and grabbed another one, taking care to see that none of his other papers were damaged.

"The usual?"

Iruka leaned in his chair to glance out the window at his leader's question. There was a tall spout of flames and smoke from one of the abandoned buildings in the residential district. He could almost smell the usage of pyrotechnics and gunpowder, even though the window was shut tight. He sighed again and turned to Sarutobi.

"The same, Hokage-sama."

"Gather the necessary insurance forms and bring them to the appropriate departments."

"Very well." Iruka stood and went on his way.

Just another day in Konoha.

* * *

"Oh, my poor, little Tora-chan! Mummy was so scared that you were all on your own."

Sakura winced as Tora's eyes popped out of his skull from Lady Shijimi's bear hug. "That poor, stupid animal."

Naruto saluted the cat, tears streaming down his face. "Good luck, my fellow ruler!"

Sasuke simply grimaced. As much as he hated the feline, he knew that no being in the world deserved such a fate. Had he not still had the scars from the _last_ time they had been ordered to capture Tora, he would have killed the cat then and there to end its suffering.

Kakashi made his usual U-smile. "Team seven has completed its weekly rundown on Tora, Sarutobi-sama. Requesting a new mission for the day."

Sarutobi clamped his teeth down on his pipe. "Yes, well, allow me to scan through the current job offers and…"

There was a cry of pain as Shijimi dropped Tora, a long, puckered scratch on her pale arm. He took no time to run, dashing across the room and crashing his reinforced body through a just-as-reinforced glass window, yowling the cat's equivalent of, _"FREEDOM!"_ as he escaped.

"Tora-chan, no! Come back to mummy!"

Shijimi ran out of the room, her bodyguards trailing quickly behind her.

Sarutobi blinked. "Seems a new mission has just opened up and-"

"NO!" Kakashi's, Sasuke's, and Sakura's voices shouted out as one.

Naruto pouted. "Aww…but I _like_ fighting Tora."

"I'll muck sewers, change diapers, even kill a _god_ if you want," Sakura panted, her face a lovely mixture of livid red and ghastly white. "But I will _not_ go after that demon-spawn again!"

"She's right," Sasuke agreed. "As much as it trains tracking and capturing skills, I would rather gouge out my eyes than chase after it twice in one day."

Sarutobi fixed his gaze on Kakashi. The copy-nin shrugged. "It cuts into my porn time too much."

"But, but…"

"SHUT UP, NARUTO."

Sarutobi hid a smirk behind his clasped hands. He knew the overall effectiveness of team seven. Knowledge of the squad that housed the former jinchuuriki and current mad inventor (at least in terms of threat) was commonplace within both the ninja and civilian ranks. Though they seemed like a ragtag team at first, there was some semblance of the camaraderie that Konoha boasted of. Sasuke – who had once been completely withdrawn from a society that idolized him – had shown a friendlier side, if his increasing mild lack of apathy and derision proved anything. Kakashi – the one that had before failed every one of his possible teams – now showed an almost older sibling relationship (in the way that older brothers want to strangle their younger siblings in their sleep) towards his students. Even Sakura – who, from the records, had been entirely focused on the Uchiha dreamboat – now thought of both teammates' wellbeing, rather than only her crush's.

Of course, he had no reason to doubt Naruto's role, as the blonde himself had been the one to periodically report on his team's dynamics from the get-go. So he guessed he could offer this one respite to them.

The fact that his altruism, in actuality, had several ulterior motives meant nothing.

"I suppose I can assign you another mission then. You have already completed the required amount of D-missions, so I'll allow it." He fished a paper from the desk and waved it. "I have an a C-rank to escort an individual back to his country of origin. A genin-team and jonin instructor should be quite enough to fight off some minor bandits, if necessary."

The entire room froze except for Naruto who was still fuming over the fact that he couldn't go after Tora again.

Sasuke was the first to open his mouth. "You mean a mission outside of Konoha?"

"With people for Naruto to focus on that's not us?" Sakura continued.

Sarutobi tilted his head. "If you feel that you're not ready, I can always-"

"We're ready!"

Sarutobi turned to Kakashi. "Kakashi-sensei, what do you-"

"They're ready!"

"Are you sure? Because-"

"THEY'RE READY!" The secretary nins boomed.

Sarutobi rubbed his ear, the ringing sound refusing to leave. He should have known how the rest of the of room would've reacted. Let someone else deal with the reconstruction and hospital bills. He nodded at one of the sec-nins. "Let him in, please"

The double doors swung open, and in swayed an elderly and unkempt-looking man. An uncorked sake bottle was gripped loosely in his fingers, and his eyes had that bleary look that belied a man completely wasted off his ass. He squinted at team seven and sneered.

"This is the team meant to protect me? They look like a bunch of brats barely off the nipple." He limply pointed a finger. "Especially the short one, he looks like a right idiot to me." He smirked. "Eh, boya? Your brain get bleached through your skull?" He blinked when he saw the rest of the room tense, the blonde's squadmates and teacher throwing dignity to the wind and diving for opposite ends of the room.

Naruto kept his head down, his goggles hiding his eyes from view. "We're supposed to protect this man from dangers on the road, right?"

Sarutobi internally groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He knew he should have made the bridge builder sober up before coming in. "Yes, Naruto."

"Which means that, as our – Konoha's – client, he's not paying to be protected from those that are native to Konoha or his hometown?"

"Yes."

Naruto looked up. The innocuous grin on his face made Tazuna stop. It became toothier, and Tazuna began to sweat. Naruto pulled his hands out of his pockets, several bombs in each.

"I love loopholes."

* * *

"So you tried to blow him up?"

Naruto crossed his arms at Tenten's bemused expression. "I made sure it was legally within the contract."

The members of team seven and Gai were gathered in one of the training fields. Over the past couple months, they had all become casual acquaintances, as team Gai being friends with Naruto had inevitably involved Sakura and Sasuke as well. At Naruto's urgings (and absent-minded promises of 'fun' if they didn't agree), the six had become a common sight whenever they were all free after training and missions were done for the day.

Sakura sighed as she bounced a fist off his head. Naruto squawked in indignation before shutting up at the look on her face. "The hokage had to deal with his ranting afterward. But he calmed down quickly enough after Sarutobi-sama offered a discount."

Neji leaned back against the tree, activating his Byakugan to idly check out the others' chakra pathways. For some reason, he found Naruto's fascinating. "Even if fate is no longer the true decider, fools are still fools no matter where they go. The man simply realized this and bowed in deference to one greater than him." He looked away, a superior smirk on his face. "Though I am sure the money helped in his decision."

"Naruto-kun, I am not sure what to think of your actions." Lee frowned. "Though the man's words reeked of unyouthfulness, your response was not proper either."

Sakura looked up when a realization hit her. "Come to think of it, why did Sarutobi-sama let you off so easily? You just tried to assault one of Konoha's clients."

The others looked at him as well. They had often wondered about the blonde's connection to the strongest shinobi in the village, as often portrayed by Naruto's informal way of talking to him and Sarutobi acting like an affectionate elder in turn, especially when punishment was in order.

Naruto blinked. "Eh, jiisan just loves me like that. Plus I made him an auto-paperwork machine." He shrugged at their confused faces. "He reeeaaalllyyyy hates paperwork."

The idea of the man known as the 'god of shinobi' hating the paperwork-side of ruling so much that he granted leeway to an obviously insane person simply because said person made it easier was just too odd for them to consider, so they dropped it and moved on to the next subject.

"So, this is going to be your first C-mission, huh? Where is it, Wave country, you said?"

"Yep! We start first thing in the morning while the client rests." He leaned back at their stares. "Don't look at me! He was completely drunk! They said he had to burn off all the alcohol before he even tried to make the long-distance trek."

Tenten put down the kunai she was fidgeting with and sighed. "Well, be careful. C-missions are the first kind to involve people that aren't associated with Konoha, so they have no reason to assist and may even attack you. And I've heard some nasty rumors about that country."

"There's no need to worry," Sasuke snorted. "Simple bandits and flighty rumors are nothing compared to me and the power of the Uchiha."

Neji tilted his head. "It is with thoughts like that that people find their head stricken from their bodies."

Sasuke glared back at his smile. "They wouldn't even touch me. Besides…" He nodded at Naruto, who had a glazed look on his face. "The dobe'd probably blow them up before they even got near us."

Naruto swung his head around. "Sasuke-kun! You _do_ care!"

Hearing the utter saccharine affection in the blonde's voice – reminding him all too much of someone else he knew – Sasuke had to hold back a sputter while he looked away to hide the way his eyes twitched. When he was sure it was gone, he gazed back at Naruto dismissively. "That wasn't a compliment, dobe." He got up. "I'm leaving."

"Ah! Sasuke-kun, wait!" Sakura was soon after him.

Naruto shrugged. "Well, guess I better get going, too. Bye!" He was gone within a few moments, leaving team Gai all to themselves.

Tenten was quiet for a moment and turned to her teammates. "How do you think it's going to turn out?"

Neji smirked. "I give it a week before their client is dead and his village burned to the ground."

"Ooohhhh!" Lee cried. "I believe that they will protect their client and finish the job with flying colors! I would expect no less from my eternal rival!"

"**I believe the same, Lee-sama. The odds are at 87.53% chance of completion with a margin of error of +-2.65 at their current level and mission difficulty."**

Tenten pursed her lips. She looked at her gloves. The leather was lovingly maintained as were the kunai partnered with them. It was a good gift, and she treasured it as a good friend would. Naruto was…amazing, to be sure. But still, she did worry. Naruto may have his kinzoku jutsu but there were still so many unknown variables during a mission. They couldn't afford to be lax.

…ah well. She stood and stretched out the kinks in her arms and neck. Things would go all right for them.

…probably.

* * *

Sakura checked over her pack one more time. Kunai, check! Trail rations, check! Extra clothes, check! Mini-first-aid, kit! Toiletries…

She blushed. She had already reached that point in a girl's life where Mother Nature pulled her monthly visit. It would be embarrassing enough if she was just a civilian, but as a shinobi, being indisposed for an indeterminate amount of time could prove lethal. They had gone over the perils of being a kunoichi in ninja academy, and it was something that her parents had argued over profusely, but she wasn't going to give up that easily!

How would Sasuke think of her then? She blushed. Sasuke! Why didn't she realize that? He would see her biological weakness, and he would…he would…

"Wow, girls have it pretty tough, huh?"

Sakura stopped. Creakily, she turned around to face the familiar voice. Naruto was perched on her windowsill like a bird of prey, his head tilted, eyes pitying. She looked down at the packet of sanitary napkins in her hands. Then she looked up. Then she blushed.

Then she punched Naruto.

Right. In. The. Face.

"What the hell are you _doing _here?"

His eyes went blank before he tottered backwards and fell off the windowsill. Sakura blinked. Her room was on the second floor. He had just fallen out of a second-floor window after a head injury. Caused by her. On the day of their first C-mission. Which was (in a sense)only happening because of him.

She slowly crept up to the window and looked down. All she could see was a twitching leg poking out of a bush.

She grimaced. Oh dear.

The leg puffed into smoke.

Almost on instinct, she whirled around.

"Quick on yer feet, aint'cha?"

Naruto was sitting on her bed. He scratched his nose. "Post-synchronization is a hella effect. Feels like my sinuses are flaring up." He cocked his head. "Got any allergy medication?"

The tic that had recently exhibited itself in her cheek in the last month flared up. "What are-" Sakura looked at the napkins still in her hands, blushed again, and hid them behind her back. She snapped her attention back to Naruto, who was fidgeting with one of her paperweights – a frog-shaped one. "What are you doing in my room?" she asked cordially, swiping it from his hands and replacing it on her desk.

He shrugged. "Thought I'd pick you up."

Twitch. "And you couldn't come in through the front door like a normal person?"

He stared at her like she was the one who had a few screws loose. "Who wants to be a normal person?"

She stopped herself. No, her room wasn't the place for a murder scene. It was better if it were a dark alley, with lots of dumpsters (to cover the smell.) Besides, she didn't know how he'd retaliate. She doubted her parents would be happy with the second floor of their home blown off. "Why. That's very kind of you, Naruto-san. But I'm afraid that-"

"And I thought that we'd swing by to pick up Sasuke-kun as well."

The words died on her lips. "Pick up…Sasuke?"

"Yeah!" he nodded fiercely. "Thought we'd all walk together to the meeting point, like a team!"

"But…how do you know where Sasuke-kun lives?" As far as she knew, after the Uchiha massacre had occurred, the Uchiha compound was sealed off and Sasuke had moved to one of the more opulent apartment buildings. Which one, she didn't know, unfortunately. "..wait, how did you know where _I_ live?"

"Easy," he said. "I followed both of you home without you knowing."

"…you _stalked_ us?"

"I prefer 'tactical surveillance.'"

Sakura bit her lip. No, no, don't hurt the boy. He might forget where Sasuke lived.

"**Shaa! Then we wait for him to take him there, **_**then**_** kill him!"**

Right, that was a much more sound idea. As her inner side contemplated the pros and cons of various killing methods, Sakura smiled as sweetly as her namesake. "Okay, Naruto. Let me just finish packing and we can go."

"Okay!" he cried. He sat there, looking at her with all the (feigned) innocence in the world.

Sakura pointed at the window. "Out!"

"Okay, okay!" Naruto scowled. "No need to get so uppity. Geeze!"

Sakura clenched her fist. It was all for Sasuke…all for Sasuke…

* * *

Sakura gaped at the awe-inspiring visage of the complex in front of her. It had taken several levels of security to even get into the building.

At least it _would_ have taken several levels if Naruto hadn't suddenly grabbed her and used his rocket boots to jet up the complex's wall to the fifth floor. Now she was gaping merely from the feeling of nausea and asphyxiation due to the onslaught of vertigo and screaming. Naruto punched the air in a shadow-box.

"All right! Forward!"

Sakura grit her teeth and repeated her mantra. _"All for Sasuke-kun, all for Sasuke-kun, all for Sasuke-kun…"_

She followed Naruto as he ambled down the hall. He stopped at the number '505' and began to rapid-fire the doorbell. "Sasuke-kyun~ Come out and play~"

There was a swift thumping of feet as someone ran to the door and yanked it open. Sasuke was staring wide-eyed at them, his hair a mess and his clothes disheveled. "What the _hell_ are you doing here, dobe?" he whispered harshly.

Naruto tilted his head. "Why, to pick you up, of course."

Sakura smiled coyly. "Good morning, Sasuke-kun."

"**Woooooh! Bed-head Sasuke! I can die happily!"**

His eyes roving side-to-side wildly, Sasuke grimaced and nodded. "Yeah, okay, whatever." He leaned down to grab his pack by the door. "Let's just get out of here before-"

"Sa-chaaaan~ You forgot your bento, Sa-chaaaan~"

"…damn it."

Behind him appeared a beautiful woman in her late-twenties with raven-black hair. She was clad in a frilly apron with a chick in the center, holding a bento in a checkered handkerchief. She stopped. "Ara? Sa-chan, you brought friends?" Her angelic face had a confused and naïve look to it, making her even cuter.

Sakura shakily pointed a finger at the woman. "Sa-Sasuke-kun, who's that?"

Sasuke's normally apathetic face fell into one of deep and total despair. His mumbled reply was barely heard. "…my mother."

"Hi, Mikoto-neechan!"

"Ara, Na-chan? Is that you?" Her mouth went wide. "It _is_ you, Na-chan!" She bounded forward, Sasuke slinking out of the way, and engulfed Naruto in a hug, his face shoved right into her not-so-insignificant bosom. "Mikoto hasn't seen you for a while! Have you come to pick Sa-chan up?"

He mumbled a reply through her boobs that she apparently understood, because her face lit up. "That's wonderful!" She turned to Sakura. "Ara? Who are you?"

Trying to get her brain to reboot, Sakura robotically introduced herself. "I'm Sasuke-kun's other teammate, Sakura Haruno."

Mikoto's mouth went into a giddy smile, her cheeks blazing up. She clasped her hands to the side. "Sa-chan has even _more_ friends? Mikoto is so happy!" She dropped Naruto (who was twitching considerably from the total lack of oxygen) and swept Sakura up into her own marshmallow hell. "And you're so _cute!_ Sa-chan is such a lucky boy to have such cute friends!"

Sasuke sighed miserably. How could he be all dark and broody if his mother insisted on being so happy-go-lucky? This was one of the reasons why having Naruto on his team was so annoying! He wanted to have some time _away_ from the insane happiness! "Mother, will you please let her go? She can't breathe."

Mikoto released Sakura, who immediately started inhaling large quantities of air. She turned to Sasuke. "Moouuu, Sa-chan, Mikoto just wanted to greet your other teammate. If Na-chan didn't tell me what you did, Mikoto wouldn't know anything at all!"

"That doesn't mean you can suffocate her."

"Sa-chan~!"

Sakura coughed and pushed back from the railing she was leaning on. "How…? Buh what…?"

Naruto shrugged. "Remember when I said I followed Sasuke-kun home? Mikoto-neechan found me lurking in the bushes, and when she found out I was one of his teammates she invited me up for tea." He grinned. "We kinda hit it off." He leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially. "For being the former best kenjutsu experts in Konoha, she's really just a sweetheart once you get to know her."

Sakura looked to where Sasuke and Mikoto were talking. Well, actually, it looked more like Sasuke was lecturing his mother while she acted like a petulant child. She was even windmilling her arms in circles to accentuate her point, eyes closed shut and tears poking out.

"B-but, she looks so _young!_"

Mikoto stopped immediately at that statement. Turning around, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears and beaming a world-class smile, she grabbed Sakura's hands in her own. "You really mean that?" Sakura nodded uncertainly. "Mikoto is _so_ happy! What should Mikoto do for you, Saku-chan? Mikoto'll do anything!"

"How about a cookie?" Naruto gave a thumbs up with his tongue out and one eye shut. "Mikoto-neechan's cookies are the best!"

Mikoto put a finger to her lips. "But there are no cookies now…"

"Then make them."

"Sa-chan?"

"Make her some cookies," Sasuke said, his tone curiously kind. "Don't worry, we'll wait."

"Okay! Just wait, Mikoto'll be back with some fresh cookies!" With that, the Uchiha matriarch skipped whimsically into the apartment. As soon as she closed the door, Sasuke faced the two.

"Run."

"Sasuke-kun, what are you…?"

Too late. Sasuke had not only run off, but off the fifth floor entirely, using chakra to dash down the side of the complex at break-neck speeds.

Naruto leaned over the railing. "That was totally bad-ass!" He put a hand on the railing. "Hey, Sasuke-kun, wait for me!" And then he was gone, too.

Sakura fretted for a moment and then shrugged.

"Oh, what the hell."

And over the brink she went.

* * *

Surprisingly, Kakashi was at the correct meeting point on time. Had anyone bothered to ask him why, he would have said that the sooner they were out of Konoha, the sooner he could point Naruto at people who weren't them and watch the fireworks. And the reason none them asked was because both Sasuke and Sakura were thinking the exact same thing.

See, insanity _does_ bring people closer together.

Tazuna had backed away the moment Naruto showed up and put the jonin between the two, but Naruto would have none of that and walked straight up to the man, smiling in a friendly manner. Suddenly, he stopped a respectable two feet from the man and bowed deeply.

"I am sorry about our initial meeting, Tazuna-sama," Naruto said formally. "It was wrong of me to attempt such a thing against an honored client of Konoha. Please let it be known that this one will do all he can to make sure that you are received by your friends and family safe and sound." He extended a hand.

Tazuna looked at it as though it may bite him, but clasped it sturdily. "Thank you…boy. I…appreciate it." He leaned forward a bit when Naruto tugged on his hand slightly, overbalancing him.

When Tazuna was close enough, Naruto stood on his toes and whispered, "After all, I can wait until after we reach Wave." Then, with the most brilliant grin Tazuna had ever seen, he released his hand and walked merrily to his teammates.

Tazuna just stood there, his face ashen. Just what the hell had he gotten himself into? And why were they letting such an obviously unstable child in the ninja corps? Was their leader absolutely mad? He jumped when a hand laid itself on his shoulder.

Kakashi smiled under his mask when Tazuna twisted his head. "Don't worry. As a jonin, I should be able to stop young Naruto should he try anything." He closed his visible eye and retrieved his hand. "…probably." He took a step and said, almost as an afterthought, "Oh, and anyone who tries to attack us, too."

Tazuna felt his bowels loosen considerably.

However, several hours of traveling later and the blonde hadn't tried anything at all. He simply amused himself by babbling at his teammates, the rosette the one to answer most often, usually in exasperated tones, and the black-haired boy inserting a noncommittal sentence or noise every so often. Kakashi simply walked with his nose buried in a copy of Icha Icha, perverse giggles coming from him at times.

After a while, Sakura turned to Tazuna. "Tazuna-san, you're from the land of Waves, right?"

"Huh?" The elderly bridge builder shook himself out of his paranoia-driven semi-coma. "Ah, yes, yes, that's right. Why?"

She turned to Kakashi. "Sensei, does Wave have ninja?"

Kakashi shrugged. "No, not really. You see, each country has-"

"Whoo! Random exposition on the geo-political structure of shinobi within the elemental countries!"

Kakashi turned to Naruto and began walking backwards, his mask indicating a frown. "Are you quite done yet?"

"What?" he whined. "I'm always excited to hear about information that should be common sense to anyone that's involved enough in the subject matter." He shook his leg after stepping over a puddle. "Gah, stupid rocks."

Sasuke snorted. "He's right. That'd be the same thing as one of us not knowing what chakra is."

Sakura nodded. "I think so, too. I just wanted to know if Wave had a ninja village since its population density is fairly small. I know enough about geography and the economy to realize how ninja society within the citizenship works. I_ was_ top of my class, you know."

Kakashi said nothing and scratched his head. And here he was going to give a lecture that made him sound all intelligent and have his little genin looking up to him with worshipful eyes like good boys and girls should. "Yeah…well…" Kakashi gestured lamely. "Yeah. No, there are no Wave ninja."

"Really?"

"Yep."

An explosion went off behind them, wind whipping all around. They turned to see two somewhat charred bodies smack the ground simultaneously, their once proudly-shown hitai-ites shredded to their composite metal and cloth.

"…well, maybe not."

The two nin stood up shakily. They'd thought they had the element of surprise, especially when none of the Konoha nin had noticed the puddle and walked right on by. But then there was this small orb that had rolled to their hiding spot and then it had exploded and they had seen what a pretty color the sky was and ow did their backs hurt.

Sakura frowned. "Those are ninja, right?"

"Yup, they're ninja," Sasuke concurred.

"Oh hey, you guys found my bomb. Thanks!"

Tazuna wondered what the hell was wrong with these children. These were _real_ ninja! They had dark clothes and air-masks and a really long, sharp looking chain that could rend flesh from bone just as easily as one could cut silk. So why were they just standing there like it was nothing to be bothered by?

Apparently the twin nin thoughts this as well and, wanting to correct such a mistaken assumption, both leapt forward at the admitted source of the explosion – Naruto. In the blink of an eye, they wrapped the serrated chain that linked the two around Naruto several times and pulled tight. Naruto was ripped to shreds, his body parts, flesh and blood littering the trail like discarded pieces of trash. The demon brothers turned to the other genin, seeing them as the next easiest target.

They intoned as one, their masks creating an eerie reverberation effect, "One little piggy..."

The Konoha nin did _not_ look impressed. "Please," Sakura scoffed. "If he was that easy to kill, we would have done so a long time ago."

"Yare yare, you're really not earning any brownie points here, guys." Kakashi scratched his head, completely unbothered by the apparent murder of his student.

Sasuke just pointed. "Behind you."

"Peek-a-boo…" They could feel the breath behind their ears. A glimmer of light on enlarged canines. "Let me show you how a chain is _really_ used."

Something coiled around each of their waists, cool and undulating. Then their worlds reversed as they were flung into the air. "Hey, guys! Catch!" Naruto unwound the hebi kusari from them and launched the two at his teammates.

In the air, the brothers oriented themselves so that they were better prepared. They unlatched the chain connecting their gauntlets, knowing it would only deter them, ready to do battle with the foolish little genin that dared to face them. Each were met by something that couldn't possibly be a genin.

Sakura had taken her brawler style to heart. With a resounding battle cry, she threw a powerful haymaker at the younger demon brother's face. He batted it aside with his heavier gauntlet, throwing Sakura off balance, and retaliating with his own jab. Sakura took the momentum from the spin and cracked a backwards elbow to the nin's face.

She yelped in pain as it connected with the mask, and hit the ground in a tumble. The younger brother advanced on her, once again throwing a jab with the sharpened tips of his iron glove. She blocked with a kunai, sliding the gauntlet off to the side, and tried for another elbow strike. This one connected properly at the base of his skull and sent him skidding.

Sasuke was doing just as well, if not better. Against the larger, heavier opponent he would have figured he'd have an advantage in speed but disadvantage in power, but when he gave a palm strike to the older nin's chest, he found the man flung backwards much further than anticipated. He smirked.

_This_ was power. _This_ was what he wanted. He wanted more, _more_.

Sasuke drove the man back, little by little until he was back to back with his brother. Then, catching the look on Sakura's face paired with the high-pitched cackle from above that was quickly growing louder, he dived to the side.

"Kinton: Inazuma Ami!"

The net was set and thousands of volts of electricity seared through the brothers. They collapsed in a smoking heap. Kakashi coughed as he nudged them with his foot. Nodding, he turned to his students. "Not bad. These guys were of the chunin level, notorious for their perseverance to always kill their target."

Sakura smiled at the praise, Sasuke hnned, and Naruto gave a loud, long squee.

"…wait, was that about killing me?"

"It was a joke, I swear!"

Kakashi turned to Tazuna. "Of course, now the question is why they, shinobi of Kirigakure, attacked us, shinobi of Konohagakure. I'm pretty sure we aren't on _that_ bad of terms." Kakashi took a step forward, and the older man swallowed – hard. "So the only thing that comes to mind is that you were the intended target."

Tazuna glanced between the Konoha nin. "Errr…I can explain?"

Kakashi sighed. "Tazuna-san, I think we need to have a talk."

* * *

"So, what you're saying is that you lied to us because you couldn't afford the obviously much higher-priced A-mission since some evil business man name Gatou is trying to take over your extremely destitute country and the bridge you're building is the only way to stop him so that makes you a high-value target. Oh, and you're emotionally blackmailing us with your daughter and grandkid."

"Wow, thanks for reiterating his entire story, Kakashi-sensei."

"Okay, you know what? Here I was trying to break it down just to make it easier on those who weren't listening and you back-sass me. How about this then – the second we get home, I'll have Gai give his lecture on the flames of youth – with charts…and diagrams…and _pictures_."

"…I'll be good."

Naruto scratched his head, ignoring the tongue-lashing Kakashi was giving to the others. "Huh, you're kind of an asshole, aren't ya, Tazuna-sama?"

"What are you…"

"I mean, you obviously expected some highly trained individuals, and yet when you saw us, who were only hired because this was a low-grade mission, you just went right along with it knowing perfectly well that there was a high chance of us getting killed. And now you're trying to make it seem like _you're_ the victim."

"Well if you put it _that_ way-"

"I _like_ you."

"Traumatizing our asshole client aside, this is a slight problem." Kakashi tapped his book on his hip, eye serious. "Considering the physical training I've given you thus far, I have no doubt we could take out any small-fry mercenaries this Gatou can hire. Against trained ninja like our friends over there…" He pointed at the demon brothers who were now conscious again and tied to a tree. "Not so much. I can handle myself easily, but I can't exactly protect our client if I'm busy the entire time protecting you three." He tapped the book again. "Although you did do surprisingly well against our guests."

"Naruto blew them up before they even appeared," Sakura scoffed haughtily. "How could we take them seriously after that?"

"Told you."

"Yes, well," Kakashi smirked. "Fighting against nins that are caught off guard and injured before the battle even begins is one thing. Up against nins that are fully prepared and fresh? Another entirely." He raised the book to his head. "So the question is – should we continue on ahead knowing full well we could come up against ninja that are much better than us, or turn back and leave our client to his somewhat-deserved fate, promised cursing aside?"

Sasuke snorted. "Even if they're better than these guys, I'll still take them out."

Not wanting to go against Sasuke and emboldened by the smashing success of her first actual fight, Sakura nodded as well. "I want to go, too. We can't just let Gatou do what he wants."

"Of _course_ we're going! How else am I gonna get live fire testing on my jutsu?"

Right, that clinched it – crazy Naruto pointing his jutsu at the enemy for a reason meant that he was _not _pointing it at them when he was bored.

As the group forged on ahead, Naruto stopped mid-step. "Ah, sorry, guys, I forgot something. I'll catch up to you in a bit."

Kakashi shrugged. Eh, let the blonde do whatever he wanted. If he said he forgot something, he forgot something, and none of them would argue otherwise. The happier he was, the less injured they were…in theory. "Sure, but hurry up."

Naruto saluted the man and walked back. When he saw the rest of his team and their client was out of earshot, he smiled and then hunkered down in front of the tied demon brothers. He waved happily.

"Hi, guys! Sorry 'bout blowing you up, but my teammates needed a boost, especially the pinky, you know how girls are, and I figured the best way was for them to win a fight on their own but since you guys looked pretty tough I needed to soften ya up and that's why I dropped the bomb and it was pretty obvious you were in that puddle because c'mon it hasn't rained in a few days and _why_ would there be a puddle _exactly_ where we were walking and nowhere else and I've forgotten where I'm going with this."

He took a deep breath and frowned. Then his eyes lit with recognition. "Ohhhhh, right. So, I'm gonna be borrowing these…" He unlatched the air-masks from them, revealing two rather ordinary looking faces. "Huh, no wonder you guys wear them. Oh, and these and this!" He raised into view their poisoned gauntlets and serrated chain. "I can probably make them better so I'll return them when I'm done." He tilted his head, closed his eyes and grinned. "Thaaannnkksss…!"

He stood up, took a step back, and stared at them oddly. The two began to sweat. They had been taken for a ride by this insane little individual, completely and utterly thrown off their game. They were supposed to be Gouzu and Meizu, the demon brothers – scourge nuke-nin of Kiri! And the boy blew them up because he was trying to make his teammates look better? And now he was staring at them like he was considering how to cook them up and oh god they never should have followed Zabuza and _why_ was this kid so damn scary and how could-

"Oops…!" Naruto raised a foot off the ground, his knee bent, using the worst stilted, obvious and camp stage voice ever. "I seemed to have dropped this kunai here within a difficult but not impossible to reach distance. Whatever shall I do? Hmm, I am sure it will not matter. After all, I am sure that these two ninja could not possibly get it." He pointed at the kunai next to his feet. "Wink wink."

Then he was gone, running as fast as his stubby legs could carry him, screaming for the others to wait up.

Meizu and Gouzu looked at each other. They looked at the kunai. They looked at each other again. There was no possible way it was as easy as this, no way the kid would make such an obvious ploy to engender their escape. It had to be a trap, probably some detonation that would be triggered when they got hold of the kunai.

But…then there was the fact that the kid was clearly bonkers. Maybe he wanted them to get out so that they would fly back in a vengeful rage and he could serve their defeats up to his teammates again. Or maybe he was actually serious about wanting to return their tools back to them. Or maybe just because.

On the other hand, it could just be an elaborate hoax to make them _think_ he was crazy so that they would grab it and be reduced to their base compounds.

But maybe this was a reverse-_reverse_ scheme to make them…

It was three days later and on the verge of starvation when they finally decided what to do.

* * *

"Hey guys, ambushed people say what?"

"What?"

"Get down!"

"Haha, told-" Naruto's laugh was cut off when the human-length zanbatou crashed into him, luckily deflected off his chakra-enforced hebi kusari-wrapped arms, instead only causing him to fly backwards and crash into a tree, smacking the ground in a boneless thump.

"Naruto!" Sakura's shocked voice echoed over his limp form.

Sasuke was just as surprised. One moment the dobe was cracking some moronic joke and the next he was on the ground, not…moving.

Kakashi gritted his teeth. "Damn it, Naruto."

He swung his attention back to the topless man standing on the tree branch from where he had launched his oversized sword. The others could take care of Naruto; right now he had to focus on this man. The zanbatou wasa clear give-away to his identity, but the cruel eyebrowless face that accompanied it sealed it.

Kakashi gave a half-nod, refusing to show significant vulnerabilities. "Well, it's an honor to meet you, Zabuza Momochi."

The demon of the mist's eyes crinkled in sadistic delight. His feast was laid before him, and he would partake in it with great relish. "As for me, Sharingan Kakashi."

* * *

"Naruto! Wake up! Naruto!" Sakura shook the blonde's body, trying to elicit a response, any kind of response. Naruto just shook with her movements, giving nothing else. "Damn it, Naruto, wake _up_, damn you!"

Sasuke bit his lip. The dobe couldn't go down that easily. If he did, then what was the point of even training with him for this long? Cursed dobe, he _couldn't_ die.

"Naru-!" She froze when a weak cough came from the boy. "Naruto…?"

"Urgh, dang…" Naruto rolled over and painfully sat up, supported in part by Sakura. "…can't say that didn't hurt. Hundred pounds of chakra-tempered steel hitting at sixty mph is pretty effective." He coughed again.

"You idiot!" Sakura punched his shoulder, but her heart just wasn't into it. "What the hell were you _thinking?_"

"Umm…that I wasn't expecting to get hit by a flying sword?"

Sasuke sighed, swallowing the relief that had been in his eyes. "Dobe…"

Now that the moment of panic had passed, their attention was inevitably drawn back to the rising tension between their teacher and their attacker. Kakashi had one hand on his hitai-ite, prepared to draw it back. Zabuza had already retrieved his Kubikiri Houchou after its aerial arc from Naruto's armguards.

Zabuza smiled under his mask. "I'll ask one more time, Sharingan Kakashi. Will you not give the old man to me?"

Sasuke paused. 'Sharingan Kakashi'? But only the Uchiha had right to that bloodline. Why would their teacher of all people be named after the greatest of his clan's techniques?

Kakashi shrugged. "Sorry, but despite the old man being a miserly and annoying liar, he's still our client. So I'm afraid that's out of the question."

Zabuza shifted his hold on his sword, his guard relaxing to the untrained eye. To Kakashi's, he was instead preparing for a quicker draw when it came down to it. They were not going to get out of this without a fight. Zabuza's eyes narrowed. "I've heard of you, copy-nin Kakashi. When I was in the employ of Kiri's ANBU, I had access to all the bingo books of our rival countries." He bent his knees slightly. "There was you, a genius, a man who's known to have copied over a thousand of his opponent's jutsus and then used them against them."

This only deepened Sasuke's suspicions. The instant Zabuza had mentioned copying techniques, Sasuke knew something was up. But how come he had never seen this before? He had thought that Kakashi's moniker of the copy-nin was just something he had come up with to scare his opponents.

Sakura was thinking along the same wavelength. She just thought the jounin was a perverted adult who enjoyed torturing them with insane training and had developed a slight paranoid side since Naruto started to really act up. But he was actually an awesome kind of person?

Tazuna began to hope for the first time that maybe, just maybe, he would survive long enough to see his family and complete his bridge.

Naruto only smiled

Zabuza shrugged. "But time for pleasantries is over. I have a job to kill the geezer, and my client isn't a very patient man. If he complains anymore I might be forced to…cancel our contract." The lines of a perverse leer pushed out of his mask. "So I just guess I'll have to kill you all…Starting with you, Kakashi."

With a burst of chakra, he disappeared from the branch and reappeared standing on the surface of the nearby lake. With one hand outstretched to the heaven, and the other near his face, both in the ram sign, Zabuza leered. "Allow me to show you the greatest and most terrifying of my jutsus – _Kirigakure._" The last word was almost hissed, and he vanished completely from sight.

Kakashi grimaced. His hand moved, revealing the pinwheel iris of the Sharingan. Sasuke bit his lips to avoid gasping. Kakashi didn't take notice. "Move into diamond formation around the client," he said sternly, his tone taking on a new level of authority. "Zabuza is a master of Kirigakure's specialty – the art of silent killing. He'll try to catch us unawares by coming out of nowhere, so remain calm and make as little noise as possible." The students did so without hesitation.

Slowly, fog snaked its way around them. There was no reason, no wind, nothing to proclaim its coming. They refrained from jumping when Zabuza's voice, now distorted to the point it was almost unrecognizable, emanated from all around them.

"**There are eight targets – throat, spinal column, lungs, liver, the jugular vein, the subclavian artery, kidney, heart…so many choices…" **His voice rasped sinfully. **"What shall I choose first?"**

The team made no sound, no movement. Naruto slowly, carefully pulled down his goggles and flicked a switch. The world filtered out from the drab grey of the fog to dark shades of blue and indigo, interspersed with brighter colors of green, yellow, orange, and red where the others were.

There was no change.

It hit them.

An overwhelming feeling of hate, despair, outrage and apathy. It wanted to consume them, rip them to pieces and trod on the remains. Sasuke felt his throat clench up with irresistible fear.

This was not like the fight with the demon brothers – this was a whole new thing altogether. With the nuke-chunin, all he had felt was the rush of adrenaline and unwary attitude of one fighting something that was already defeated.

But this…this begged nothing like that. It only ordered, commanded that he lay down like the dog he was and wait for the sweet embrace of death to come. No, not even that – there was no waiting for death, he would _want _to come to it. All it would take was a sharp turn of the kunai, and…

"Sasuke!" He broke out at Kakashi's bark. He turned with Sakura and Tazuna, who had the same look on their faces as he assumed he did. Kakashi smiled gently. "Don't worry, I will not allow my comrades to die."

"Ha! You think I'd let him take my minions, either?" Naruto added for good measure. Somehow, that calmed him down more than he thought it would, which was troubling in a much different fashion.

"**Oh, I wouldn't believe that just yet."**

Something whisked right into the middle of their formation. It broke apart, members diving every which way to avoid the whirling blade in the center. When they glanced back, Kakashi was behind Zabuza with a kunai in the nuke-nin's gut. Then another Zabuza appeared behind Kakashi, swinging his zanbatou in a wide batter's arc. It cleaved through Kakashi like butter, the man bursting into a crash of water.

Zabuza's eyes widened. The jounin had copied his water clone within the mist? He felt something sharp on his jugular, and could tell who it was that held the blade. He chuckled. "You're quick-witted. That whole speech was just a way to buy time to make your own clone."

Kakashi pressed the kunai a little closer. "I thought it was smart."

Naruto's eyes narrowed. There was something wrong here. Zabuza wasn't emitting nearly enough heat for a man of his size. In fact, it looked like the only heat that was on him at all was the side nearest to Kakashi. But that meant…A flash of red coming from the rear.

"Kakashi-sensei, it's fake! Behind you!"

Kakashi twisted his body just in time to parry the blade headed for his skull. His hand snapped back from the impact, leaving his chest wide open. Zabuza took the chance to kick the man in the chest, rocketing Kakashi off his feet.

"You're good, Kakashi, but I'm still better!" Zabuza crowed. He jumped from his position and brought the zanbatou on Kakashi broadside, sending him flying into the lake.

The jounin surfaced quickly but felt his movements limited. The water was heavy and clung to him. His head snapped up as Zabuza appeared above him. "Too bad for you, but now you're in my trap." He flattened out his hand, the water crawling into the air to connect to it. "Suirou no jutsu!" The water filled out into a sphere, imprisoning Kakashi inside.

"It's really a shame, Kakashi. Here I thought this would be a simple smash-and-bash mission, and you have to go and make me work my ass off to nail one pathetic old man." He looked at the shore. "And that doesn't work for me. So while you cool off, I'll take the time to play with each of your precious students and then collect your client." His eyes crinkled again in that sadistic glee. His hand twitched inside the water orb. "I can't wait."

His free hand made another hand sign. "Mizu bunshin."

Something crawled out from the lake. Amorphous, jelly-like, it slowly took the form of a man, and then a perfect replica of Zabuza. It smiled. "Hello, brats."

Kakashi took the chance to yell. "Everyone, take Tazuna-san and run! You can't beat this man! He's a jounin, the same level as me!" He couldn't believe this. No matter how crazy Naruto was, how powerful his inventions were, it couldn't measure against a man who slaughtered an entire graduating class of genin at the age of six! And Sakura and Sasuke had even lower odds! "He can't leave without canceling the Suirou, and his clone can only get so far before falling apart! So get out of his range! I'll be fine!"

Naruto simply snickered. "Oh please, Kakashi-sensei. You think I'd run away when such an awesome target is right in front of me?"

The clone tilted its head. "Target?"

Naruto found a clean right hook on his face. His body went crashing into the ground.

"You called me a target, little brat?" Mizu-Zabuza tilted his head again. "You think you're something, with your hitai-ite and your rash dreams? You wouldn't even make a sentence in my bingo book. A real ninja is one who has dirtied his hands with blood and has seen the veil of death many times. But you…" He vanished again to lodge a foot in Naruto's torso and send him flying through the air.

"Naruto!" Sakura grabbed the boy and pulled him up to a sitting position. He hacked a globule of blood out. "Shit!"

Mizu-Zabuza grinned. "Are brats."

Sasuke took a look and then stepped between them and the clone. A kunai was grasped firmly in his hands as he settled into a stance.

He shifted his Kubikiri Houchou to his shoulder. "Even you, little duck? Do you not wish to see your next birthday?" Sasuke answered by lowering his center of gravity by widening his stance. "Hmph, I see. You truly believe in your delusion. But a real ninja…I…had already stained my hands before I was your age."

Kakashi narrowed his eyes. "The demon of the bloody mist, Zabuza Momochi.'

"It seems my reputation precedes me." The real Zabuza chuckled. His brows tightened. "Then allow me to paint you a story with the blood of hundreds."

* * *

Naruto opened his eyes. Crap-on-a-stick, that hurt. It didn't help that Zabuza hadn't shut up once since he handed the blond boy his backside. He _really_ needed to stop sending his clones to training, get out of the lab more and get some honest-to-goodness real exercise. No wonder he could barely react in time to dampen the effects of the blows. Had he not managed to jump back at the very last moment, he didn't doubt his organs would have ruptured. As it was, he had some blood in his lungs from both the zanbatou and the kick to his damaged ribs.

"_Kyuu-chi, how's the regeneration coming?"_

"_**Regeneration is at 89% completion, doctor. One minute, twenty-one seconds remaining. All that is left is to mend the hairline fractures in your third right and fourth left rib."**_

"_Urgh, at least now I can tell how badly I'm damaged. Before I just kinda winged it and hoped my bones didn't set backwards."_ He leaned forward off of Sakura's support. "How we doin'?"

"Naruto…?"

"Heavens, is he still _talking_?"

Mizu-Zabuza perked up at Naruto's voice. "Ah, you're awake. Surprising. I'd thought you'd be down and out for much longer."

Naruto smirked and wiped the blood from his lips. "Heh, I'm made from sturdier stuff than that."

"That's good. It just means that I have more time to play with you." He held up a finger. "Hang on a sec while I deal with your friend." Sasuke barely saw the blow to his ear, deafening him and destroying his balance, which made the leg sweep from the opposite side impossible to dodge. He went down, a wracked grunt and blood bursting through his lips when mizu-Zabuza stomped a foot into his stomach and ground it. "See? No problem at all." Mizu-Zabuza removed his zanbatou from its resting place and swung it up. "Time to die."

Sakura didn't know what happened. One moment Naruto was leaning on her and next he was in the air, hands formed into the reverse ram seal. "Kage bunshin!"

A dozen Narutos sprang into existence around the nuke-nin. "Get off my minion!" Thirteen hands grabbed thirteen bombs and let them loose.

Mizu-Zabuza raised his foot of Sasuke and batted the bombs aside with a negligent swing of his zanbatou. He followed through and cracked it into the real Naruto's side. The clones burst into smoke and Naruto fell to the ground, his impact softened by Sasuke catching him, the two tumbling when he did.

Mizu-Zabuza picked up the scraps from one of the destroyed bombs. "And what's this? Some little toy that you wanted to show me? Well, I'm sorry, but…" He slammed his sword tip-first into the ground.

"Playtime is over, brats," Mizu-Zabuza said as Sasuke brought Naruto back to his feet. He crinkled his eyes and spread his lips. "You call yourself ninjas, but you're nothing but children playing with toys. I am the demon of the bloody mist, Zabuza Momochi, and with all the power endowed in me, I command you – _die_."

"…enough."

Mizu-Zabuza leaned forward. "What was that brat? You not done playing with your gadgets yet?"

"Enough."

"Eh, what was that? I wasn't sure I could-"

A whine and a pop.

A hole appeared in his head. Mizu-Zabuza looked up at the inch-wide gap in his forehead before collapsing into a puddle of water. The real Zabuza's eyes widened slightly.

"I said…_enough._"

Naruto lowered his hand from its outstretched position, the barrel of the weapon in his hand fizzling with small sparks. His eyes were blazing, his mouth a tight line. He opened a chamber on the gun and ejected a smoking shell. Naruto flicked it into the pool that was once the water clone. Small arcs of electricity jumped from the surface. He gave the water a contemptuous glance before focusing directly on Zabuza.

"I was perfectly willing to play your game. I gave you the bonus of capturing Kakashi-sensei because I was sure he could cover his own ass. I even didn't mind getting my ass kicked, because I'm sure it deserves it every once in a while." He slid the gun back into a side-harness inside his duster. An incisor slid out from his mouth.

"But then you hurt my minion…" Sasuke didn't flinch that time, feeling something radiate off of Naruto that was completely unfamiliar yet not intimidating and almost…inviting? "And you mocked my inventions. So now I'm done dancing to your tune. Now…"

He smiled, more wickedly than ever before. "_My_ playtime has started.

"Experiment initiated."

* * *

Zabuza was hardly perturbed by this change of events. He had seen guns before, but they were awkward and unwieldy and only those with no power actually relied on them. Ninjas did not use them because they were too loud, and what kind of ninja took away all of his own advantages in battle? No, this would not change things, not even the change in the blonde's demeanor, which had morphed from wide and unfocused to something defined and sharper.

He was Zabuza Momochi, and some little brat that had killed a clone that was barely a tenth of his full strength wasn't something to be worried about. But just to move things along and get it all over with, he supposed he could humor the child.

"Really? If that's the case then I guess I have to meet you halfway." He summoned half-a-dozen new water clones. Gesturing in disinterest, he commanded, "Kill them."

As they slowly advanced, each one with its own sickening grin, Naruto turned to his teammates. "Guys, I have a plan."

"I think you've done enough, dobe!"

"Just _trust_ me, Sasuke-kun." A dozen more shadow clones popped up.

"No! Just because you killed one water clone doesn't mean you can just-" He paused when Naruto appeared right in his face, grinning happily.

"Just listen, silly." He took a single finger and poked it into Sasuke's forehead. The nostalgic action of a time long past cut off any rebuttal he might have made, and Sasuke found himself nodding obediently. Naruto smiled in praise. "Alright then, Sasuke, Sakura, I need you to buy me some time. A couple minutes should be enough."

He turned to Sasuke. "I need you to go with my clones and hold off Zabuza-kun's clones. Think you can handle that?"

Sasuke shook himself out of his reverie and fell back into his condescending smirk. "Of course I can, dobe." This was no time to fall behind. He had to get stronger, stronger! Strong enough to destroy anything before him! "If you could kill one, they should be no trouble for me."

"Okay then!" He glanced at his clones. "You hear that, you cowardly lot! You can't let our minions show us up!" There was a resounding cry that disturbingly resembled the Konoha beasts. Naruto grinned and fished a capsule out of his pocket. Cracking it open, a sleek kodachi emerged with a plume of smoke. He tossed it to the Uchiha scion. "Think this'll help?"

Sasuke gave a testing slash. Well-balanced, light, a good sword. Already the muscle memory of his mother's odds-and-ends sword training flowed into his head. He looked at Naruto, wondering if this was planned all along. When all he received was that same knowing, infuriating smile, he shrugged.

Pointless. All he needed to worry about was what was in front of him. He turned to the clones, and they stared back at the ready. With a snort, he faced the oncoming mizu-Zabuzas.

Sakura jumped when Naruto faced her. "Sakura-chan, I need you to protect Tazuna-sama and watch my back in case any of the water clones break through." When she started to deny her ability, he stopped her. "Don't worry, you'll do fine. I know you can do it. But just in case you feel like you can't…" He pulled five differently colored orbs out of five different pockets. "Some good luck charms."

She stared as they were placed in her hand. He winked. "For Sasuke-kun."

She looked. Red, blue, yellow, green, and purple. They were similar to his bombs but as large as two of them together. Sakura swallowed.

She took her stance. For Sasuke-k…For the mission, for all of them.

Naruto grinned deeper as the look on Sakura's face changed. Excellent…He turned back to the fray as Sasuke and his clones fended off the mizu bunshin, sword flashing through the air in a graceful if inexperienced dance, and set his feet.

"Kinton: Boruto Taihou."

His right arm flared with light underneath his coat, forming in the shape of a complex seal. The air began to condense around him, chakra rending the laws of physics as it brought out the weapon locked inside. It materialized little by little, a barrel twice as long and thick as Naruto's arm creeping forward. Metal slabs burst into existence, chakra shattering like glass as they wrapped their way against Naruto's shoulder, thick wires looping over and under and plunging right into his arm as they sizzled with untold energy, vents opening up to suck air in with a low-pitched drone. His arm bent back, the trigger formed.

"Five percent should do it."

"_**I would suggest one of the external batteries then, doctor."**_

"Roger."

Naruto loosened his hitai-ite with his free hand, revealing a choker of small metallic marbles. Taking one, he inserted it into an opening of the gun next to his ear.

"Start up firing sequence. Run off the external power supply."

"_**Roger."**_

The cannon began to hum, draining energy from the minuscule orb, chakra spiraling and collecting.

"Matogen, on."

His right eye dulled in color. The inside layer shifted and then flipped to reveal an aiming reticule. His vision went dark, draining to a clear green. Data streamed across the plane, mentioning safety-measures, vectors, distance. A triangle appeared, moving shakily. He moved the gun two degrees to the left. The triangle followed. Three degrees up. Now it was just to the right of Zabuza. His eye spun clockwise, the distance decreasing until he could clearly see the man's bloodshot eyes, the crosshairs right between them.

"_**Track five degrees left, one down."**_

Both cross and triangle connected.

"_**Lock-on, confirmed."**_

"Set the restraining bolts."

There was a whirring and three grapples connected to thickly-woven metal strands plunged into the earth around him. The clamps locked down. Gears reversed, pulling the bolts taut.

"_**Restraining bolts, confirmed."**_

"Begin final calculations and countdown to initial shot."

"_**Confirmed. Adjusting for magnetic fields, gravity, curvature of the earth, recoil. All accounted for. Margin of error is within +- .75. All parameters are green."**_

Kyuubi's voice heralded the end of days.

"_**Two minutes, fourteen seconds until critical voltage is achieved."**_

* * *

Bend down. Diving Falcon goes into Wild Bear. Parry with Roichi's Wall. Turn, stab into unguarded spot and follow with Crouching Hedgehog to avoid the counterblow. Fall into Static Tree against the barrage, counter.

Sasuke slid to the left as a kage bunshin took his space and blocked the decapitating downward slice with its armguards, slipping underneath the water clone's legs and dropping a few bombs on the way. Sasuke spun the kodachi up, deflecting a swipe from another mizu-Zabuza just enough that he could feel the wind from it passing by his nose.

He was frenzy, he was wildness, he was grace and elegance and death and retribution. He and Naruto's clones were holding their own, interchanging in their attacks to keep the water clones off balance. With a synchronization he never knew existed, Sasuke fell in line with the clones, blocking blows meant for them and allowing them to cover his flank. It was only their teamwork that allowed them to survive, as the water clones were stronger, more used to swordplay, and could outlast them.

In fact, the weight of fatigue was already pushing him down. Combined with the devastating attack from before, his constant motion and light parries were burning through his muscles like fire. He could feel them becoming heavier, more sluggish.

Perhaps the only thing that had made sure he lasted even this long was the sword Naruto gave him. Sasuke could tell it was stronger than average metal, since if he had tried to use a kunai to block the zanbatou's strokes, it would have bent and broken in no time. Even if the zabatous were water replicas, they still had the mass and sharpness to kill, and the kodachi easily kept in stride.

It fit his hand perfectly, warm and inviting to the touch. Had the dobe made this for him? Had he finally realized the power Sasuke needed to avenge his clan? And if so, why wait till now?

Sasuke slipped back. His foot caught on an upraised root. He fell.

Smacking the ground, he saw with increasing horror a water clone closing in on him. Sasuke rolled to avoid the cleave, but he was quickly followed. Little by little, he found himself separated from the safety-in-numbers of the shadow clones. And little by little, he found his defenses crumbling under the unstopping clash of blows.

A strike numbed his hands beyond the breaking point. Another ripped the kodachi from them completely. It clanged to the ground. The mizu-Zabuza grinned, freezing the boy in his sights. "So, it comes to this. I never would have thought that such a brat would deal me such trouble."

Sasuke rubbed a sleeve across his mouth. "I'm not like the others. I _am_ a ninja."

"Such bravado as well. Very well, my little ninja, allow me to christen you by showing you death!" The sword came down.

The wind blew, the petal spun.

Sasuke dove to the side. He was tired, so tired, but he had to move faster, be stronger, live more, hate more, defeat all!

"It's too late for you! Accept your fate!"

Screw fate! Like the dobe had said, fate was his to command, to control! He wouldn't die yet, he would live on and conquer _him!_

It whirled in the tempest.

The sword swept up, and for a moment, for the briefest span of time, Sasuke could see it – he could _see_ it! He dodged by a hair's breadth, tumbling at the shockwaves.

"Foolish boy!"

His hand touched the hilt. Tender, attracting him, molding to his soul. He wouldn't die, he wouldn't die, he would not _die!_ Bare the fire of his soul!

"Die!"

The zanbatou came crashing down, and was sheered through completely as the blazing kodachi met it head on. The severed weapon fell back to its original shape, splashing everything. The sword continued, slicing the water clone crotch to face. It too met the same fate. Dirtied water soaked Sasuke's hands.

Sasuke panted, his nerves burning, his blood singing. He was alive. He had lived. And his opponent was trampled before him. He gazed at the kodachi, its blade still ringing with a nimbus of chakra, its edge crystal clear and sharp. A giggle climbed its way out of his lips. He had done it, done it! He had-

Movement just at the very edge of his vision.

One had escaped and was making its way to the target

"Sakura!"

* * *

She was scared, she was just so goddamn scared! What was she doing here? How could she possibly think she matched up to the likes of Sasuke, Kakashi, or even Naruto? She couldn't do anything! She couldn't protect Tazuna, she couldn't back up Naruto!

So why were her feet refusing to move? Why was the kunai still in her hands? Why didn't she just _run_?

Because she couldn't do anything else but that.

Because she couldn't let them down. Because she couldn't betray their trust. Because if she ran now she would be nothing but the little girl that Ino had once protected and she never wanted to go back to that place again!

So when she heard Sasuke's shout and saw the clone break free from the battle and dash at them, she bit her tongue to drown the screams and readied herself.

From the angle he was running, he had to be after…She threw a kunai at the spot where he would be next, causing him to deflect it and switch his attention from Naruto to her. The mizu-Zabuza crinkled.

"So, even the girl tries to stop me…" He glanced at Naruto for a second. "Fine, I guess I can play with you instead. After all, the toy brat looks like he can't move, so I might as well fulfill my contract first and move onto him later." He held out his sword. "So…how you gonna fight, girly brat?" He vanished.

"Like this?"

Sakura tackled Tazuna as the sideswipe from behind missed the top of their heads by inches. Tazuna grunted in discomfort. His eyes widened and he grabbed Sakura, rolling to avoid the stab that would have skewered them both. Sakura winced before standing up again, another kunai in hand.

"So, even the geezer enters the fray." The clone shrugged. "Why does everyone think they can fight me? It's stupidity on a fatal level. But I guess that's why you're a brat and he's a geezer!"

Sakura cried out as Zabuza smacked the kunai out of her hand and then backhanded her. She spat out blood, her cut gums filling her mouth up quickly. She weakly stood up again.

"Really? Again? Have you no shame, brat?" The water copy frowned. "I think that's enough. Now you're just getting annoying. And annoying things tend to die around me." He swung the zanbatou behind him in an exaggerated fashion.

Sakura grunted. Her hand bumped against something her pockets and she pulled it out. One of the orbs, the red one. Naruto's wink flashed through her thoughts.

"_For good luck."_

He wouldn't give her a pointless trinket, not Naruto. The boy was insane and stupid and utterly clueless, but he loved practicality and hated things that existed just to exist. So this was something to use, something to fight with. It didn't matter if she lost what sanity she had left, she would use it! She pressed the indentation. A prick of the finger and blood flowed.

The orb burned.

Zabuza sneered at the sight. "Another toy? It makes no difference to me! I just want you…to _die!_" He swung.

She tossed.

The two connected.

The air cracked into white as if struck by a flint and the water clone was consumed by a raging ball of flames that stuck and burned it to nothingness.

Sakura looked down at the remaining orbs in her pocket.

And smiled.

* * *

"_**Five."**_

Electricity ran rampant around Naruto, crackling to and fro and lashing across the trees, scarring the bark and ripping the leaves.

"_**Four."**_

His teeth chattered with tiny vibrations, ozone on the tip of his tongue.

"_**Three."**_

The realm of science gathered in his palm, spiraling faster and faster.

"_**Two."**_

A beam of ionized particles shot down the dirt road into the lake.

"_**One."**_

It zeroed in on Zabuza's forehead, a yellow circle of angelic light.

"_**Critical voltage has been achieved."**_

"Boruto taihou, FIRE!"

The wrath of god came crashing forth. A blinding column of light the width of a pencil erupted from the nozzle of the cannon, shooting forward, craving for something to sate its hunger.

It passed through a water clone that had stumbled into its warpath. The clone wasn't just destroyed, it was _obliterated_, the temperature of the liquid composing it reaching up and past the boiling point in an instant as it exploded in a burst of steam.

Sensing the danger, Zabuza snapped his head to the side. The laser caught his cheek, cutting and cauterizing the wound immediately and forming a long, straight burn from ear to nose.

Seeing that he had missed the target, Naruto turned the cannon, following Zabuza's movements. The man, unable to avoid any more in his position, released his hold on the water prison and jumped backwards. The sphere collapsed and Kakashi leapt forth, but even he had to submit to the strength of the beam and run as it caused the lake to evaporate on contact wherever it trailed, creating a scalding spray that suffused everywhere. Both jounin were lost in the deadly mist.

The beam cut out after a few seconds, and Naruto bit his lip in frustration. Five percent wasn't long enough or powerful enough! "Prepare the second barra-what?"

Warning sigils and signs flickered across his vision, refusing to follow his orders. "Kyuu-chi!"

"_**Doctor, the cooling system is malfunctioning. We cannot make a second shot in this condition."**_

Damn it! He knew he should have worked harder on the reloading process! He was too focused on making the initial shot that he completely ignored cooling procedures. He would have to work on that when this was over. But now…He growled. He would not let this stand!

"Kai!" The cannon fractionalized into a million pieces and was absorbed back into its storage seal. He slammed his heels together, the jets popping out and igniting fire chakra. He would not let this experiment fail!

* * *

The masked nin strained to see through the fog. This was not going according to plan. Zabuza-san was supposed to get rid of the target with little to no trouble, even with the addition of the renowned copy-nin Kakashi Hatake. And even if there was more to deal with than assumed, all Haku had to do was slip in and 'kill' Zabuza, pretend to be a hunter-nin, and slip out with Zabuza's 'dead' body.

But that strange blond boy had brought out that even stranger device and had proceeded to burn the entire surroundings to dust and charcoal and even catch Zabuza off-kilter.

How was Haku supposed to react to that?

A rustling in the trees caught the faux-hunter-nin's attention. Turning to the noise, Haku found that same boy dashing through the trees towards Zabuza's assumed position at an alarming rate. No doubt to try and capitalize on his success.

Haku fingered the senbon clasped in dainty fingers. Should the attempt be made to stop the boy? It was doubtful that he was too much of a danger to the nuke-nin, but every threat neutralized was an increased chance of them completing the contract.

And completing the contract meant they had more money to bring Zabuza-san's dream to life.

Coming to a decision, Haku crouched down on the branch to hide from view. Just one senbon would put the boy out of combat. Haku did not enjoy killing, but that did not mean that one could be exceedingly merciful. So one senbon to a pressure point that would cause immediate and temporary paralysis was best.

Steadying the branch to aim, Haku waited for the right time to throw a hand forward and pierce the boy right through his clavicle. But the chance never came when something splashed across the nuke-nin's mask, neck, and shoulders.

Paint…? Neon blue at that…

It was with shock that Haku watched as Naruto lowered the gun in his hand in mid-stride, refusing to drop his pace. "I don't have time for you," he said with a growl. Then he was gone amongst the treetops.

Haku was still for a second before leaping after the younger child. No one had ever managed to discover the nin's position when sniping. Haku's stealth and speed techniques were at the high chunin level. Zabuza had to be warned about the boy's skills.

Zabuza-san could not come to harm!

* * *

Zabuza looked back and forth. He couldn't hear or see anything. The hiss of steam was everywhere, blocking his view, preventing him from finding his prey. His eyes strained to find anything that hinted at the location of the Konoha nin.

What the hell was that beam? What in heavens had that boy done? It wasn't a jutsu, not like anything he had ever seen – a concentrated beam of lightning chakra, perfectly compressed and more powerful than any one he knew. Just where had the brat been hiding it, and what was he planning on doing now?

"And here I thought that the brat was just another stupid ninja-wannabe."

"Then you'd be mistaken."

Zabuza turned and grinned. "Ahh…Sharingan Kakashi. I was wondering where you had gotten to."

Kakashi rolled his shoulders, still tense from his extended stay in the suirou. The steam was doing marvels for it though. "You didn't think I'd leave my cute students to have all the fun, did you?" His eye narrowed into a hardened slit. "Don't fuck with me. I'm your opponent." He flicked the kunai in his hand. "Your move."

Simultaneously, their hands fell into sync and their mouths into an order. "Suiton: Mizu Teppou!"

Twin barrels of water burst from their mouth, colliding and canceling each other out in a new rain of mist.

Zabuza grunted. Something was wrong here. The water jutsu was an easy enough technique to use, but the same one at the exact same time and pace? No, the rumors of the mirror technique were just that, merely rumors. Perhaps time for a grander jutsu.

Again he started, again Kakashi mimicked him. Again the same cry came out. "Suiton: Suigadan!"

Spears of water stabbed out from beneath both of them. Zabuza ran in one direction, Kakashi followed, keeping the same distance between them, his movements precise and familiar. His hands formed into the tiger seal. No, this was a mistake. He couldn't-

"Be matching you perfectly?"

Zabuza paused. Monkey. Peh, he was just-

"A man, not a mind reader…right?"

Zabuza stiffened. Ox. "You are nothing but pallid shadow! A-"

"Shallow being who can't possibly match up to the real thing. I am true power."

"That's it!" Tiger again. "You're just a mockery, a sham! Allow me to wipe away that fetid illusion of yours from reality!" Rabbit. "Vanish-!"

A shade was behind Kakashi, a shade in the form of him. Its eyes were shut tight, but when they opened he saw it – the pinwheel of death spun within its irises.

But that was impossible, he was-!

And bird. "Suiton: Daibakufu no Ju-!"

As Kakashi finished the final seal, something came at him. The mist bellowed forward, like a mutant growth, and then split open. A water clone barreled into the battlefield, skin scalded a deep red, tackling the man and driving him further into the mist. The concentration of chakra dissipated as the interrupted jutsu faded away.

Zabuza was still and then almost collapsed. He couldn't believe it, he couldn't believe that the man was real. Kakashi had finished his mirrored technique before the original. If that clone hadn't randomly run onto the scene, Zabuza knew he wouldn't have been able to win. Could the man really see the future? Were the rumors and shady legends true?

No, it couldn't be…He was-

"Kae tebukuro, drill version!"

Zabuza instinctively raised his sword as the blonde burst from the mist, the spinning drill on his right hand puncturing right through the steam and forming a cyclonic effect, dispersing it behind him into a spiral tunnel. The drill connected, sparks flew, and Naruto tried to force his way through. The nuke-nin leered at the sight of blond hair. Maybe now he could break this illusion

"You're still alive, brat!"

"I can't let my experiment get the best of me. You're _mine_ until I say otherwise!"

"Ho! Big words for a child!" he roared, using both his hands to throw the boy off of him.

Naruto hit the water and slid before gaining traction and dashing back. He punched again with the drill, shooting up with the shield to block Zabuza's crushing blow. He fell down and slipped forward, attempting to smash the shield against the man's open stomach.

Zabuza retaliated by kicking it head-on, his greater strength knocking the boy back. He then flipped his zanbato to one hand and moved it sideways, the other arm underneath, before catching Naruto on the sword's end and flicking him like into the air like a catapult.

Naruto caught himself and flipped away, landing softly on the water's surface. His left hand came up, deflecting the punch while his right came down to skewer the leg. The sword met it again, point whirring against the immovable side in futility.

Again and again the routine repeated itself – Naruto barely blocking any martial attacks while every single one of his was quickly and thoroughly stopped by the crushing wall of metal. But he was tiring, and this had to end now.

"_Kyuu-chi?"_

"_**Rerouting chakra to the legs and feet. Resonance frequency found. Disrupting in two, one…"**_

Chakra surged from his soles, disturbing the surface tension of the water beneath them. Zabuza had to jump backwards lest he fall through, and Naruto took the chance to add some distance of his own.

He gazed across the lake. Zabuza once again shifted his hold on his zanbatou, the partially defensive stance turning into a full-out offensive one. He laughed wickedly. "That's a great sword!"

Zabuza smiled. "Isn't it? My Kubikiri Houchou never fails to decapitate my foes."

"A chakra-tempered iron-based compound to allow for its weight, making it ideal to simply crush its enemies. But those circles have an almost monofilament edge, allowing a cut down to the molecular level. A perfect weapon for a man who enjoys the sight of blood. But…" He snapped his fingers, a basic police baton manifesting in his hands, the handle with a covered wire leading into his left sleeve. He snapped it to his leg, extending it. "There's one very basic, very fatal flaw in its construction."

Zabuza heaved it up. "And that is…?" he asked, almost innocently.

"Iron is extremely electrically conductive!" His hand with the baton whipped out. "Kinton: Hiraishin! Fire!"

Lightning poured from the end into a destructive arc, dancing on the surface of the lake and going through the sword straight up into Zabuza's arms. He yelled in pain as his own weapon shocked his entire body. Falling to his knees, he slightly smoked while the smell of burnt flesh rose into the air.

A second later, he convulsed once, twice, and rose to his feet. He looked at his zanbatou. Its once gleaming surface was now tarnished from the electric burns. Zabuza looked up, an expression of absolute _fury_ on his face. "You sullied my blade." His voice was tight.

"Like I said, this is my experiment and as the subject, I can do whatever I want with you."

"You _sullied_ my _blade._"

"Eh? Now who's the one that can't stop repeating himself?"

"You sullied my BLADE!"

A crater formed in the water beneath Zabuza and then crashed outward, waves spreading from the epicenter. "A sword that belongs to one of the swordsman of the mist! The most beautiful and powerful swords in the elemental countries! And you dared to try and ruin it?" Bloodrage flowed from him like a wild animal, nearly knocking Naruto off his feet from the intensity. "I'll _kill_ you!"

He kicked off, rocketing at Naruto at insane speeds. Naruto shot off several more volleys with the hiraishin, but Zabuza simply took each one, none of them slowing him down in the slightest. When he reached the boy, he shot a fist out in a blur, impacting with Naruto's stomach. He then followed with an uppercut, shooting the boy into the air.

His hands sped into a lengthy string of seals.

When Naruto opened his eyes, he saw an enormous dragon of water curling through the sky. Its jaws closed themselves around him.

"Oh shit."

Zabuza watched as the suiryuudan blew up, the brat's body hitting the waves and sinking below the surface. He smirked. Damn brat, thinking he could win. Now all he had to do was find Kakashi and kill him too. He might need the aid of Haku quicker than expected, but he would kill the man and complete his contract.

He turned to leave.

_~Drip~_

Something caught him.

_~Drip~_

Something wanted him.

_~Drip~_

Something demanded him.

Zabuza slowly looked over his shoulder. What he saw froze him, his thoughts, his beliefs, and his heart straight to the core.

A hand was above the surface of the lake. It was scratched and mangled, but it was there. And then…it moved.

Slowly but surely it bent down and touched the surface. The rest of its body crawled from beneath the depths. Blond hair followed by a whiskered face and dirty orange duster and ripped overalls and scuffed boots. It was bloodied, beaten, but in no way defeated.

Zabuza trembled. An unknown emotion clawed at his brain.

Two eyes of glacial blue stared back at him.

"Damn it…" he whispered. "Why aren't you dead?" He lifted up Kubikiri Houchou and pointed it at the boy. "Why won't you stay down?"

"I have a dream. I will have this world bow down to me, and all who live in it will become mine to do as I please." His words were sweet like honey, laced with velvet, and as toxic as a cobra. His eyes never changed, never widened nor narrowed, never grew darker or brighter. They were the same piercing eyes since the day he was born and the day he was born anew. "No one will stand in my way. I will lord over all."

"Damn it…don't think you can talk so mightily, brat!" Why was he saying it like that? That treacherous tone! Did he think he was afraid? Afraid of this…child? Impossible! He was Zabuza, demon of the mist! He was not afraid of anything living. "Who'd ever bow to you?"

"Didn't I say, Zabuza-kun?" His tone gentler than before. "I said you were mine, and I will have you." Lips curled. "Always."

He snapped. With a roar of rage, Zabuza ran forward and smashed the boy with his zanbatou.

Naruto skipped across the lake like a stone, rolling endlessly. The smile never left his face.

Contact.

"Kinton: Ukabeita!"

The board of sky and sea spilled forth, fastening to his feet and propping him up, the momentum still carrying him backwards.

Pull the switch.

"Kinton: Kuuki Ouisogi! Jet mode!"

His back lit up, a frame of metal and leather latching around him from the seal of souls, wings unfolding outward and afterburners blazing forth. He slowed.

Shoot the moon.

"Kinton Revised! Combo: Flight of the Osprey!"

Water droplets hung in the air. The wind blew without a care across his face. The sun shined down from the morning sky, basking everything in its ever-loving warmth. He flew.

Zabuza had no time to react as Naruto hurtled at him like a demonic cannonball. The boy collided with him, knocking them both over and into the mango grove encroaching on the lake. He felt links of cold ice wrap around his arms, and the glint of canine teeth on a vulpine face consumed his vision. Zabuza roared and headbutted the boy. Blood flowed from his broken nose but he refused to stop _grinning_.

"This is impossible! I'm Zabuza Momichi, demon of the bloody mist! I! Refuse! To be! Beaten! By! A! Brat!" With each word he slammed his forehead against Naruto's face, breaking it even further.

Blood burbling, Naruto laughed brokenly. His voice was tainted with death, calling out for its mark. Zabuza's heart and brain felt it squeeze them. He now recognized the emotion, though he refused to believe it.

"You call yourself a demon, but you're nothing but an imp drunk off the smell of blood. I am Naruto Uzumaki, future god of this inferior and broken world, and by the power that I am, I command you…"

Something poked into Zabuza's chest. It was the lightning baton.

"_Burn."_

Fear and captivity had come to claim him.

"Full power. Switch on."

The world turned to crimson amber and melted into the abyss.

* * *

Kakashi finished off the clone with a stab to the heart. He couldn't believe he had been interrupted just at the climax of his victory. He knew if he had been able to complete the jutsu, Zabuza would have been beaten both physically and psychologically. It was one of the main reasons he lauded his copying skills so openly – to insert fear into his opponent's minds and break them down to the level of children.

Now he had to catch the real Zabuza again before he came across any of his students. But in the warm mist, he couldn't see a thing. He was lucky that it had been thin enough near Zabuza to actually use the Sharingan. Now if he could only determine the direction he had come from and-

Something in his chakra senses tingled. Then it pulsed. Then it screamed.

The lake exploded.

Kakashi jumped to avoid the waves that crashed onto his position. The mist was blown back with the force of a hurricane, the wind from the concussive blast shredding it to nothing. Something fell from the sky – bits and pieces of trees, bushes, and fruits raining down like some celestial joke of mana from the heavens.

Finding purchase back on the lake, Kakashi vaulted to where the chakra burst had originated. He knew the signature.

It was Naruto.

Landing back on the dirt for the first time in what had seemed like hours, and finding the rest of him team there as well, Kakashi came upon the strangest and most terrifying scene he had witnessed in years.

Zabuza and Naruto were facing each other off, but they barely resembled the human beings they had once been. Naruto was coated in blood from head to toe, multiple gashes on his head and a nose that had been caved in. Zabuza was almost completely fried, burns over every part of his skin, some even looking like they reached down to the bone. But the look on his face, the expression dug into every feature was the worst part.

It was absolute horror and reverence.

Zabuza went to say something but never got further than the first slurred syllable when needles pierced his neck. He went down.

A light-hearted giggle came from the treetops. "I think that's enough, Zabuza-san."

Kakashi gazed up at the voice's owner. It was a young child, a boy in his early teens by his size and timber of his voice. A mask covered his face, Kirigakure's hunter ranks if he was correct, but what bothered him was the faint sheen of blue that colored the boy's neck and shoulders. It seemed recent and out of place. The boy nodded.

"Thank you for your assistance in allowing me to apprehend Zabuza-san. But I felt it was appropriate to put him out of his misery before he got into any more trouble."

Kakashi shunshined to Zabuza's body and put his fingers to the neck, unsure of the boy's true intentions. The lack of pulse confirmed it – Zabuza was dead. But still… "You seem fairly intimate with Zabuza to refer to him as such."

The hunter-nin's head tilted. "Does one not always become familiar with the prey they are destined to kill?"

Kakashi nearly shivered at the purity in that voice. "By my guess, you're a hunter-nin from the land of Mist, correct?"

"Did the mask give it away? But yes, I am one of the shinobi ranks that make it our life and art to hunt down rogue ninja that try and escape from our laws."

Naruto mumbled something and stumbled towards Zabuza. Kakashi let out a small shout of worry and caught the boy before he fell to the ground. "My shubect," he wheezed, the broken nose making it hard to understand him. "Mine…all mine."

The hunter-nin shook his head. "I am sorry, but I cannot allow that. The secrets in this body are under the jurisdiction of Kiri. You are not allowed near him."

"Beh quiet, nyu fake nyin!" The hunter-nin recoiled as if slapped. Kakashi's concerns and suspicions grew stronger. "I wanted him! I marked him! Heshi mine! Nyo one elshes!" He slumped forward. "Nyo one…elshes…"

Not wanting to drag this out any longer and risk discovery, the boy transported to Zabuza's body and grabbed it. "That is still not possible. Your battle is over, and mine has just begun." His voice grew just the tiniest bit deeper. "I must dispose of the body." With a whirl of leaves, he and the body were gone.

"Kakashi-shenshei, nyu can't let them…"

"Shh…I understand. They'll come back, and when they do, we'll be ready."

Naruto grinned, blood dripping from his nose and mouth in rivulets, most of his front teeth missing including one of his trademark incisors. "The ekperimyent was a shushess…righ?"

"Yeah, it was."

"K…gonna go shleep nyow. Nyighty-nyight." He slumped into unconsciousness.

Kakashi sighed, letting out all the air he was holding in. Well, at least they were all alive, if not in perfect shape, and now-The air around him went wavy, and he felt his legs give out from underneath.

Oh crap.

He dropped Naruto and joined the boy. He had used too much of the Sharingan for too long, even though he never really finished that one huge jutsu. But the energy needed to copy, decipher, and attempt to employ all of Zabuza's techniques drained enough from him to reduce him to this state. He watched as Sakura, Sasuke, and Tazuna rushed to the both of them in a panic.

"Sorry 'bout this guys, but do you think you can carry us to Tazuna's house?"

Tazuna stood straight and grabbed the man underneath his arm. "Of course!" Sakura and Sasuke followed suit on Naruto.

Kakashi gave his U-smile. "Good, 'cause I'm gonna pass out now."

And so he did.

* * *

Haku went to remove the senbon from Zabuza's neck when the man grabbed the approaching hand. It trembled. "Zabuza-san?"

"That boy…that brat…he was more of demon than I-no…he was more like the devil…A demon-god that wants to consume the world…"

"Zabuza…san…?"

"Haku," Zabuza flinched as the electric burns made it hard for him to twist his head. "Watch out for that kid…Even more than Kakashi of the Sharingan, that kid…he…"

"I understand, Zabuza-san," Haku pushed the man's hand down. "Just rest. I will take care of it all."

Zabuza said nothing and rested his head back on the soft, moss-covered ground.

Haku's bottom lip bled. This would not stand. The person who did this to Zabuza-san would acknowledge the nature of his crimes.

Haku swore it.

A/N: And the promised techie-action-fight scene is here! I made it extra super special awesome and long, so I hope you enjoyed all of it! As you may have noticed, there was a bit of mood whiplash from the comedy to the action, but that was kinda intended. Perhaps you can figure out why. Also, to all those that thought Naruto would wipe the floor with Zabuza…you thought wrong! Naruto's inventions may be colossally destructive and powerful, but his actual physical traits are much lower than in canon as he's focused all his energy on the kinzoku jutsu. So don't expect feats of amazing strength and agility to go along with the chaotic terror that are his weapons.

But given Naruto's hyper regeneration and super stamina, courtesy of Kyuubi, he does last a little longer than someone of his stature should. In any case, watch out for the next chapter. There is a lot less action and a lot more planning and conniving as Naruto heals, and the comedy comes back to the forefront.

Also, people were wondering about the omakes. Yes, they are canon, but I felt that putting them directly in the story would break its flow, so I found it best to separate them. They're perfectly good as standalones, and I hope you enjoy them.

Oh, and as a side note – visit the Nin Tech forum! Why? Because I'm whiny and needy! ARGH!

Oh, and because Kyuu-chi says so. And she's queen…so do it.

_Next Chapter – Of Inventions and Minions_

* * *

New Jutsu

Maruchibakuhuu (Multi-Blaster) – A gun that can shoot various ammunition via electromagnetic projection (uses the Gauss coilgun as the base). This is one of the only weapons that Naruto keeps on his person rather than in a body seal or seal capsule.

Boruto Taihou (Volt Cannon) – A large gun that channels chakra straight from Naruto's body into a deadly beam of energy. A DEW (Directed-Energy Weapon; catch-all term for various beam weapons), its firing sequence is a two-stage process: a low-powered laser (which also doubles as a rangefinder) creates an ionized 'tunnel' down which the electrical discharge can travel to the target. The shot can be from a few millimeters to a couple feet in diameter and up to several miles in range depending on the chakra output Naruto feeds into it. Normally there is a limiter that prevents him from using it above 50% capacity as the power/energy usage multiplies exponentially.

Genso Bakudan (Element Bomb) – A type of bomb that stores elemental chakra inside of it. When released, it wrecks various effects upon the target depending on the element sealed inside (fire/water/earth/wind/lightning.)

Hiraishin (Lightning Rod) – A baton that conducts lightning jutsu. Normally used for smacking foes at close range and then electrocuting them (stun baton), it deals both bludgeoning and electric damage. It can also send out bolts of lightning from the rod to enemies. Naruto can switch on/off the electrical current with a simple signal.

Kuuki Ouisogi (Aerial Rush) – A backpack that has two modes – heli-mode and jet-mode. Heli-mode allows Naruto to hover much higher in the air than his hover board via propellers, while jet-mode allows quick bursts of speed via high-pressure fire jutsu and maneuvering via foldable wings.

* * *

Omake!

**Bullet Dodge**

When Meizu and Gouzu arrived back in Wave, they immediately zoomed back to Gatou's hideouts. After dealing with a few haughty mercenaries, who thought that since the demon brothers had failed they were now ripe for the picking, the two made their way to Zabuza's quarters. Honestly, even if they were missing their signature gauntlets, they were still Kiri chunin and could easily deal with some low-class brainless brigands.

The only ones they really worried about was that group of Konoha nins, _especially_ that wacky blonde. But if their boss was the next one to face them, they wouldn't stand a chance.

_Especially_ that wacky blonde.

So it was with great hope and fearful shame that they marched into Zabuza's room, and stopped short, eyes wide in shock.

Zabuza's body was entirely wrapped in bandages, not an inch of skin showing, Haku was busy smearing a salve on him, the self-proclaimed tool doing the most possible to make sure Zabuza was healing quickly.

Upon hearing the two enter, Haku turned to greet them. "So, you are back, then?"

Meizu and Gouzu shivered at those obsidian orbs. "Yes," Meizu replied. "We weren't able to kill the target on his way here."

"Underestimated them and lost the advantage of surprise," Gouzu added.

"Was it the blond brat?" Zabuza's cracked voice said. The two only nodded. "Heh. So…he put his sights on you as well…" His sentence withered into a pained grunt and the man went stiff as the bandages torturously rubbed against his charred flesh.

"Zabuza-san! Please! Stay still! The medicine should numb your pain and quicken the healing of your skin," Haku said, holding the larger man down gently. Soon, Zabuza's pained grunts tapered off as he fell asleep.

Meizu and Gouzu glanced at each other. Maybe it was a good thing that the boy had not taken them seriously after all.

**Paperwork Powers, Go!**

Sarutobi rubbed his head. Naruto had caused massive collateral damage during one of his basic D-missions again. This time he was so sure that the mission was benign – all they had to do was fix up a basic tool shed.

Naruto had turned it into an armored tank that shot the tools at a speed that pierced solid wood.

Whatever was he going to do with that boy? He sighed. Ah well, he supposed he could grant him some leeway. After all…

He grinned cheekily and removed the sheet from his most favorite item in the world – Paper-kun! It was a birthday present Naruto had given him the year before and made all his work so much easier and simpler. All it took was the push of a button and voila! An entire day's worth of forms done in a matter of seconds.

Of course, it did require a special room, but if all it took were a few layers of reinforced concrete, Sarutobi could dip into his own savings and pay for it.

Grabbing the stack of paperwork from that morning, he inserted it into the feeder. After making sure that it was placed properly, he turned the machine on, selected the purpose of the stack – proposals levied by the elder council (bunch of backstabbing fogies that they were) – and walked out of the room.

Sealing the great steel door shut, he locked it and then pushed the large red button on the wall.

A thickly accented and deep voice came from within. **"Paper-kun will now begin processing. Hasta la vista, paper-baby."** A whining and whirring. Multiple thumps in succession like a steroid-induced woodpecker came after. Sarutobi watched as something tried to puncture outward through the two-inch stainless steel but failed to make it.

"**Paper has been assimilated. Ha. Ha ha. Ha."**

Sarutobi opened the door. The wall was littered by papers, each jutting into the concrete like it had been made of wet clay. So maybe there was the side-effect of Paper-kun trying to kill anything in the vicinity in the process, but at least he got the work done. See? Approval over there, mostly denial everywhere else.

Quick and clean.

Sarutobi chewed on his pipe while humming a raunchy ninja song as he collected the paperwork. All done! Now, what would he do with the rest of the morning…He smiled.

Perhaps Nami-chan would like a visit? The orangeness called for him.


	7. Of Inventions and Minions

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto…because Anko and her kunai fetish scares me so…

**Nin Tech  
Chapter 7: Of Inventions and Minions  
By Irritus185**

Kakashi was proud of his danger sense. It had saved him from the first water clone attempting to silently snipe them, as well as the one that had blindsided him when he was using the Sharingan on Zabuza in Naruto's invention-caused mist. Compared to most other ninja, he was certain that he was just a little more on top of what was trying to kill him. Certainly, it hadn't quite been up to snuff since he had become Naruto's teacher, but he surmised that not even the greatest of precogs would be able to tell ahead of time what the mad jinchuurriki was planning on doing next.

So when he found his sixth sense screaming at him to wake up after passing out from chakra exhaustion, he quickly obeyed and snapped his eyes open. And he decided then and there to never ignore the little voice in his head when the first thing he saw was Naruto looming over him with sharp, bladed, and overall unpleasant surgical tools clenched between each knuckle in both his hands.

Naruto's eyes drooped at the now conscious state of his teacher. "Aww…and here I was thinking I could fix you up and make you better than before," he muffled behind the wrap on his mouth.

Kakashi grunted and sat up carefully, nodding gratefully at the aid given by Sakura. He glanced at the blonde.

At least he assumed Naruto was still a blonde. Most of the boy's face and head was swathed in bandages, revealing only his eyes and small tufts of sooty hair. Kakashi noted that the Kyuubi must have stopped the boy's bleeding, for there were only a few spots of blood on the bandages.

"I see you're awake too, Naruto."

Naruto put a hand behind his head and laughed sheepishly when Sakura shot a glare at him. "He was up before we even reached Tazuna-san's house. Wouldn't even let us take a look at his injuries. I had to hold him down just to apply what he has on now."

"And you did a great job, Sakura-chan!" Naruto praised her with a thumbs-up

Sakura looked away, a hint of blush on her cheeks. "Idiot." She was worried about him. All bloody and beaten like that. And he was acting like it was just a joke.

Sasuke looked away from the play-fighting duo and turned to his teacher. "Kakash-sensei, we were just talking, and we have to know – is Zabuza actually still alive?"

Kakashi paused for a second. He looked around the room, and noticed for the first time that a person he did not know was there. She was a pretty girl in the prime of her youth, straight black hair and a slightly weathered complexion. "Ah," he said, ignoring Sasuke's question. "I'm guessing this is your house?"

The woman nodded in polite greeting. "Yes, I'm Tsunami. My father is the one that hired you all."

Kakashi twisted his head to see an anxiety-stricken Tazuna at the woman's side. There was a thin sheen of sweat on the man's face, and Kakashi could only assume that it was caused by the revelation of Zabuza's possible survival. Feeling a bit vindictive from the possible easily-avoided fight, he crinkled his visible eye in a crude imitation of Zabuza's. "So, this is the woman that would have cursed my team's existence had we not gone through with the request?"

Tsunami tilted her head and turned to Tazuna, a dirty look of suspicion on her face. "Father, what is he is talking about?"

Tazuna jumped on his knees a little, struggling to respond. "Er, that is…you see…"

As much as he was enjoying the spot the lying old man had cornered himself in, Sasuke wanted answers. "Kakashi-sensei," he stated again.

Kakashi rubbed the back of is head, wincing at the soreness in his muscles. "Hmm, right," he looked at the group. "I'm guessing Naruto told you?"

Sakura quit her mild bickering with the blonde to join back in. "Yes, he was quite adamant about it."

Kakashi sighed. Well, this was going to be troublesome to explain. "Yes, the odds are quite high that Zabuza isn't as dead as he appeared to be." He heard a quickly cut-off gasp and saw Tazuna trying to hide the tic in his eye. He frowned at the gall of the architect.

"But…but you said he was dead. You checked his vitals yourself!"

"Yes, well…" Kakashi shifted his legs slightly, trying to gain a less awkward position on the floor. "Things like that can be faked, and it wasn't as though I gave him a thorough examination."

Sasuke grunted. "And that Mist hunter-nin? Aren't those guys supposed to kill rogue shinobi no matter what? I know that much."

"Again yes…tell me, do you know how hunter-nin actually work?" At the blank look on all their faces minus Naruto, who just had an expectant look on his, Kakashi pursed his lips. "Well, it's like this…"

After explaining the role of hunter-nin, and their after-job of disposing of outlaw nins' bodies, Kakashi gestured with his hands. "Now do you see where I'm going with this?"

"No."

"Not really."

"Hah?"

"I do!"

He looked at Naruto who was waving his hand back and forth frantically like he was aching to be called on in class. "Not you, Naruto. You already know the answer. Let the other struggling students have a chance," he chided in a voice meant for young children.

Naruto deflated and lowered his hand. "Awwww…"

Deciding to give them a hint, Kakashi added, "Think on the weapon used to actually kill Zabuza."

"Acupuncture needles…oh!"

Both Kakashi and Naruto smiled at the dawn of recognition on Sakura's face. Of course the girl who studied on all possible ninja weapons and their usage both in combat and off the field – not to mention all other areas of theoretical ninjutsu – would be the first to figure it out. Sasuke looked at her in annoyance, but soon it hit him as well, and his eyes widened.

Kakashi nodded. "Exactly," he agreed, right before going on to the nuances of hunter-nin protocols and all the discrepancies from the masked boy's appearance and leave.

As he continued, Tazuna's face grew more and more frightened with an unhealthy dose of denial mixed in. When Kakashi finally stopped, Tazuna blurted, "But couldn't this all just be conjecture? What if he _is_ dead, and we're just worrying for nothing?"

"Maaayyybe," Kakashi reluctantly agreed. "But in either case, it's better to be prepared for such things than be caught off guard like when we first crossed paths with him. And since I'll be recovering from chakra exhaustion for a while yet, there's only one thing we can do now to raise our chances of winning."

"And that is…?"

Kakashi's eye flipped into its U-shape. "Why, training, of course!"

"…Kakashi-sensei, you have no idea how much I hate you right at this moment," Sakura ground out.

"But why? Training is so fun! I can't wait to run you into the ground until you're in the same shape as I am now."

"And it's _because_ you say things like that I hate you so very much!"

"A little bit of training is pointless," Sasuke interjected, stopping Sakura's diatribe from escalating. "What we need now is power, and basic exercises are not going to help us in the time we have left before Zabuza potentially heals and he and that masked kid come after us again." He gripped the kodachi, the blade Naruto had given him, in his hand, his face a stony mask. "We need absolute strength, like this."

"Oh! Speaking of which!" Sasuke gaped as the kodachi blurred from his hands and reappeared in Naruto's. The blonde scanned it quickly before grinning in satisfaction. "I'ma gonna need this back!"

Sasuke closed his mouth after a couple seconds and snarled. "What…what are you doing, dobe?"

"Huh?" His eyes were quizzical. "What are you talking about? Taking it back, of course. Oh, that reminds me…" He looked at Sakura and put out his hand, palm up. "Sakura-chaaan~! I'm gonna need those bombs back too~! I know you didn't use _all_ of them."

Sasuke closed his eyes, restraining the urge to throttle the boy. "Why? We need those to make us stronger! And besides, you _gave_ them to us!"

"Well, I need them back to run data-retrieval on how they were used, _duh_!" He quipped, rolling his eyes. "Plus, that was only when you actually needed them. You don't need them now, right?"

"In case you didn't notice, _dobe_, we're in the middle of fighting a jounin level nuke-nin! Of _course_ we need them!"

Naruto blinked, and then looked at Sasuke slyly through the corners of his eyes. "Naaaahhh…you don't, not really." Sasuke sputtered at the utter _indignation_ of it all while Naruto resealed the kodachi back into its capsule. "Besides, I don't think you're really ready for it."

"Not ready? Dobe…I'll-!" He stopped when Kakashi moved a hand in front of him..

Kakashi frowned. "Naruto, why are you doing this? This isn't the time to be saying things just because you think so. We need all the help we can get, and you're just being needlessly difficult."

Naruto tilted his head. "I don't really think so."

"Naruto…"

"Well, I'm not!" he said huffily. "I say they're not responsible enough for my jutsu and I mean it! You think you can just want power and then get it just because you said so? No! You have to sacrifice an even amount of energy and grief to gain what you want!" He slapped a palm on the tatami mats of the bedroom floor. "Something for something else, just like in chemistry. Matter can be neither created nor destroyed, simply formed into a different shape."

Running on his annoyance and anger at the blonde, Sasuke barked, "And what would _you_ know about sacrifice, dobe! You never seemed all that tired, bothered, or troubled to me."

Naruto's eyes narrowed in good-natured amusement. "Aww…is that really how you see me, Sasuke-kun?" He shrugged. "All right, I'll show you the sacrifices I've made." He turned his back to the others, bent over at the waist and put his hand to his face. With an exaggerated popping noise he turned back, his right eye closed shut, and flapped his hand at Sakura. "Here, here!"

Sakura moved over unenthusiastically. He grinned and placed something small and round in her hand. Warily, hoping it wasn't another bomb, she and the others looked at what Naruto had given her.

A human eye looked back at her, though it was perfectly smooth with a glass-like exterior. The iris rolled upwards to gaze at her face.

"I se~ee you," Naruto crooned.

With a cry of fear and disgust, Sakura flung the eye into the air. Naruto slid under its trajectory, stretching his empty eye socket open with both hands and allowing the fake eye to fall back in. He massaged his right cheek, attempting to relax his eye's temporary departure. He smiled cheekily at the shocked faces staring at him and shrugged.

"Lost that eye in a chemical explosion. In faaacctt…" He looked at Sakura, who was shivering in uncontrolled fright. "It was actually during the prototype phases of those elemental bombs I lent you." Almost instantly, Sakura tore the bombs from her pockets and shoved them at Naruto. He grinned and put them all into one of his pockets. "Gouged it right out. Seared the rest of the orbit, as well. Went walking around blind in one eye for about a year before I managed to hammer out my little matogen. Even after that, I had to deal with minor visual problems like disjointed images, color reversal, and the like for another couple years." His eyes narrowed in ironic mirth. "I was eight at the time."

Kakashi, having been personally involved with an event just like that but luckily receiving at least a human eye in exchange, now knew what the boy was aiming at. You couldn't just come into power. You had to pay for it. Pay for it…like he did…He sighed and looked at the boy. "You just can't go five minutes without emotionally scarring your teammates, can you, Naruto?"

He shook his head emphatically. "Probably not. And it wouldn't be any fun if I didn't." He waved his arm at the others. "I mean, _look_ at them! Their faces are hilarious! I would have shown them my 'amazing fake eye' trick a lot earlier if I knew they'd react like this!"

Shaking out of his surprise quicker than Sakura, Sasuke grimaced. Naruto had made his point pretty clear, but it didn't matter! They _needed_ his inventions! _He _needed them to defeat Zabuza, and then, eventually, to kill his older brother. He didn't care if he wound up irrevocably scarred as the price – a finger, an eye, whatever! It didn't matter. All that did was that he was _stronger_.

Sakura, wanting to just forget that almost embarrassingly grotesque scene, bumped herself out of her own shock and slugged Naruto in the shoulder, sending him head over heels to crash into a wall. "You jerk! What were thinking trying to freak us out like that?"

Naruto's eyes closed from his upside-position against the wall. "I dunno. Seemed pretty funny to me at the time."

"Argh! And here I was _worried_ about you!"

"Aww…Sakura-chan, I didn't know you cared!"

"I'll show you 'care'! I'll rip that other eye out so you can have a matching pair!"

"Well, in-squad violence aside, training should be our number-one priority." Kakashi said, attempting to head off the imminent dramatization of Naruto's de-eying process via an irate rosette's perfectly manicured nails. "Otherwise we'll find out just how much we may have misjudged Zabuza's health in the worse fashion possible – by being dead. And being dead means I can't read my Icha Icha anymore, so that's right out."

"But Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura cried, tearing her attention from the boy that was about to undergo surgery without anesthetics. "If you give us any more training than usual, we'll die before Zabuza even gets a chance!" No more running up and down trees! Her legs couldn't take it! Besides, he might come up with something worse…like running up and down mountains! She wasn't sure if there were any adequately-sized rock faces in Nami, but she wouldn't put it past the sadistic cyclops to make some just for them.

"You'll die either way," a small voice droned behind them.

They all snapped their heads to find a small child in dirty clothes at the door to the room. His face had a dour expression of displeasure on it. Tazuna's face lit up.

"Inari! Hi! How are you, my boy?"

Inari kicked off his shoes and wordlessly trotted over to the man, grabbing a fistful of clothes. "Welcome back, grandpa."

"Inari," Tsunami scolded. "Welcome our guests! These are the ninja who safely escorted your grandfather back to us!"

"But mama," he pouted, his tone listless. "They're just going to die anyway."

"What was that?"

He turned to the outburst. Sakura had her hand in a fist, her earlier aggravation finding a new target to unleash itself on. Inari's mouth tightened. "Gatou will just send more men to fight you. You'll lose eventually, and then you'll die."

"Now, now," Naruto popped up behind the boy, waggling a finger in a berating fashion. Inari simply glanced at him, eyes surrendering nothing. Naruto continued despite the unwillingness in his audience. "From what I gathered about Gatou, he wouldn't just send wave after wave of killers after us, no, no, no! He's smarter than that! Ya see…" He placed a hand on Inari's head and squeezed gently. "He's a businessman, and ya have to have a degree in subtlety to do good in business. Now what I, what _I_ would do is capture one of the ninja assigned to protect your grandfather and then have one of mine take his place!" His grip strengthened. Inari's heart quickened. "That way, I could infiltrate the group, and then, when they were at their most vulnerable…"

The boy poofed into a veil of smoke, and out emerged a scary-looking man with scars all over his face and a slobbering tongue, a blood-encrusted meat cleaver in his hands.

The man screeched, bloodlust rampant. "Strike!"

Inari cried out in abject fear and dived into his grandfather's embrace, shoving his head deep into Tazuna's chest.

The scarred man did nothing for a minute, then poofed back, revealing a bandaged Naruto. "See? That's a lot smarter! And…and…" He snorted and broke out laughing. "Oh…that was priceless! The look-! The reaction-! The-! Bwahaha-urp." He put a hand to his mouth. "Okay, laughing? Not a good ide-" He heaved again, the visible skin around his eyes and upper cheeks tinting a sickly green. In a rush, he scampered outside the house, the sound of loud, violent retching following soon after.

Kakashi clicked his tongue. "Okay…Naruto is excused from training on account that any strenuous exercise will probably cause him to vomit out all his internal organs, but the idea stays the same for you two."

Sakura winced at the painful noises coming from just outside. "Agreed."

Sasuke couldn't help but go along with it. He didn't want to see Naruto die in such a shameless fashion, even if… "Still, that doesn't mean that the dobe can keep those inventions of his to himself. We've shown that we know how to use them."

Kakashi scratched the back of his head. "Well, to be honest, his reasoning is sound and without fault. You can't just expect such wonderful gifts of power to just plop into your lap without having something be expected in return." He raised a hand to silence Sasuke's response. "But I also agree with you that right now is _not_ the time to hold to such principals. Still…" He raised an eyebrow as the sound of vomiting _still_ went on outside. Cripes, _was_ the boy actually puking out his intestines? "I think that if Naruto says so, you really shouldn't argue."

"But why?" Sakura didn't understand. Even she was able to add to the fight with the bombs Naruto had lent her.

Kakashi looked at them both, an expression of sheer bafflement on him. "You really want to use those devices, when their creator _doesn't_ want you to use them?"

The image of a madly cackling Naruto, flinging bombs every which way and reveling as the surroundings burned to nothingness, flashed across their minds.

"No."

"I like my clothes not on fire, please."

"Well, then…" Kakashi said. "We're agreed. Training it is!"

And the sounds of regurgitation continued.

* * *

Naruto wiped his mouth of any remaining food or stomach juices, and replaced his bandages. He was glad Kyuubi had healed his gums over first, or he would have either choked on his own blood or burned the raw nerves with acid. But still, this meant _teething_ all over again. He smacked his lips. Was that his _colon?_

"_Urgh, what did Zabuza-kun do? Rearrange my organs so that my lower and upper intestines switched places?"_

"_**I can quicken the rate of regeneration, doctor,"**_ Kyuubi suggested. _**"Your internal organs have been shifted by three centimeters from their initial placement. Such imbalance in your body's homeostasis could bring about biological errors that will lower your capability in combat."**_

"_No, no, keep it at the current rate. I'll need all the chakra I can afford to prepare for when Zabuza-kun, or even Gatou, makes his counterattack."_

"_**Approximately one week from now?"**_

"_Yeah,"_ he nodded. He tenderly prodded his nose, still smashed but no longer a possible danger. _"At least you treated the bones in my nose as a priority. Now I won't have to worry about my frontal lobe being turned into a milkshake."_ He quirked his eyebrows up when he didn't receive a response._ "Kyuu-chi?"_

"_**I…do not understand, doctor."**_

"_Don't understand what?"_

"_**During your altercation with Zabuza Momochi, I…found fault with you method of victory. Not only did you provoke Zabuza Momochi into attacking only you, if you had simply employed the maruchibakuhuu to terminate him instead of wasting time and the element of surprise by unsealing and charging up the boruto taihou, your chances of accruing injury would have been reduced by nearly 56.82%. The range and power of the lesser gun would have been adequate in that situation."**_Kyuubi paused to gather up the next of its misgivings and then pressed on.

"_**I also do not understand why you allowed Sasuke Uchiha and Sakura Haruno to participate, when their involvement, instead of application of kage bunshin, lowered the chance of victory by 11.45%. By all these calculations, it would have been more logical to not do what you had done."**_

"_Well, the answer's really very simple!"_

"_**And that is?"**_

"_It was polite and fun to do so!"_

Kyuubi was still, possible answers accumulating in its digital brain._**"I do not understand how societal etiquette is involved in the matters of combat and survival."**_

"_Jeeze, Kyuu-chi, it's like you never had fun at the risk of something before."_

"_**As an interface for the technical and schematic dossiers for SPIRSI, there is no need to invoke humor or personal interest if it jeopardizes my programmed objectives."**_

"_Eh, fine, fine, I get it. Anyway…"_ He hopped to his feet and clenched his hand into a fist. _"Wanna use some of that know-how to make this job more interesting and beneficial?"_

"…_**if that is what you wish, doctor."**_

"_All right then!"_ he grinned. "For science!"

His stomach and esophagus rumbled. He choked. "But first…"

Kyuubi remained silent as its end user resumed orally purging his system, though there were no critical anomalies that required the process. Its mind calculated as it attempted to discern the nature of its end user's emotional quirks.

It concluded it would never truly understand the human condition.

In Naruto Uzumaki's case, it was perfectly at ease with that.

* * *

"C'mon, you sorry sack of losers! Work harder! Harder!"

"Got it, boss!"

Tazuna smirked in snooty satisfaction as the clones ran to and fro across the construction area, carrying stacks of nails, bolts, wooden planks, and metal beams. He never thought he could use the ninjas he had hired in this capacity. While their teacher had gone off to go train the less injured two, the remaining student, the one who scared the ever-living bejeezus out of him, had been left to guard Tazuna against any lower-level thugs Gatou might have sent.

Naruto may be a terrifying little psycho, but he had a good work ethic and was following every order that the bridge builder barked out. With the steady decline of workers, all of which had been threatened or just plain scared away by the villainous tycoon, Tazuna had worried that he would not have the manpower to finish his hefty and lofty ambition. But with the almost limitless supply of clones, he no longer had to worry. Let the rest of the cowardly lot run away! He would not rest until he was done!

Wave country had always been poor compared to its larger and luckier neighbors. Nami's biggest exports were seafood, cypress wood, mangoes, and not much else due to the constant rainfall, poor soil, and swamp and wetlands geography. They didn't have a big population, spread out between all the minor islands that made up the country, so even their damiyo didn't have much to choose from when building his defense force. In fact, their militia was little more than fishermen and farmers, none of which had much experience with weapons, and the deficient concentration of metal made it harder to even get hands on those weapons.

So they had sunk all of their money and effort into creating the bridge that would stretch from their scarce collection of islands to Fire country, thus allowing a better trade route and greater chances of building an economy with outside countries.

And Gatou wanted to ruin that. He knew that Wave country itself – its people and its market had no real value. The true reason behind his take-over was the country's positioning, located smack-dab in the middle of the trading routes between Water, Lightning, and Fire country. If he could control the area, his own shipping company would make money hand over fist in shipping requests and taxes.

Well, Tazuna wouldn't let him, not with those Konoha nin at his side!

It had only been two days since he was back and the bridge's construction was already a week ahead of schedule! He didn't know what the boy was doing, but whatever it was, Tazuna wanted it to continue.

Sure, there were rumors from his Wave workers saying that they found the crazy bugger scurrying around areas of the bridge that were usually off-limits, and that he was caught fiddling with the machinery every once in a while, but Tazuna was sure it was just harmless tomfoolery. Obviously the boy was interested in the extent of technology that Wave's own small Junkyard had trans-dimensionally procured. If that's all it was, Tazuna couldn't scold the boy for his curiosity.

Rather, it was evidence of his big heart that he allowed Naruto such a superlative and generous opportunity!

Tazuna looked up from his blueprints to watch as a couple clones passed by him. They were repeating some asinine mantra, self-pleased grins on their faces. "Run run run, fix fix fix, clean clean clean, work work work. Run run run, fix fix fix…"

They dropped some guardrails next to a Naruto that was giving orders to the few around him, creating a symbiosis with the remaining workers that Tazuna was wildly tickled by. He had three Wave workers hold the one section of guard rail up to the metal poles that were interspersed at regular interval along the side of the bridge. At each part that connected guardrail to pole, the boy clapped his hands together before slamming both palms against it.

Almost like magic, the metal of the two parts melted into tendrils of gleaming steel and then twisted into each other before sealing together, leaving behind a seamless connection between the two parts. The amount of money he would save on just welding and connectors would be a fortune! They may even have enough to infuse back into Wave's economy!

Tazuna whistled through his teeth as he walked over to the nin. "Not bad…" he chortled, slapping the boy on his back. The rest of the workers simply looked on in awe, even after hours of working with and seeing what the blonde could do. "Not bad at all, boya."

Naruto scratched a hand behind his ear, his eyes closing in pride. He still had bandages wrapped around his face, though they were changed daily only by him. "Heheh," he said. "Metalworking is kinda my specialty, so it's pretty fun for me to do this."

"Well, I couldn't ask for a brighter or more exuberant helper!"

"Does this mean you'll actually pay for the appropriate mission-rank?"

Tazuna avoided looking at the sparkling eyes that cut through his soul. "M-maa, let's not get ahead of ourselves here. As long as I'm in danger from Gatou's thugs, the contract isn't complete and I can't pay you!"

Naruto patted his legs clear of wood and metal shavings and stood up. "I'm pretty sure our contract doesn't include those agreements."

"I-in any case!" Tazuna cut Naruto off before the boy could really get into it.

And really, what were they – a few technicalities? Pure semantics! Nothing to really delve into! It wasn't like the boy was being gypped in the long run! Rather, they were acting in a case of charity, selflessly giving to those less fortunate than them. Really, Tazuna was doing him a favor by detaching him from the cruel nature of capitalism. Naruto should be thanking the man, not grilling him. He had nothing to hide! He was right, right he tells you!

Tazuna coughed, clearing away the crazed look in his eyes. "What do you think of our dreams, boya?" He spread his arms out wide, exalting in the majesty of his ideas brought to light. "This bridge will bring everlasting prosperity to our home of Wave. Money, culture, hope, life! It'll bring all that and more once it's completed! Wave will once again become the country it was meant to be, and nobody, not even Gatou will be able to stall its fruition!"

He turned to Naruto, who had a completely new adoring expression. Tazuna blinked and almost took a step back at the boy's posturing. "That sounds _wonderful!_" he squealed. "That's the kind of thinking I expect in my future subjects! Forging on ahead no matter what the obstacle and adversity, ignoring the whispered barbs and spines of those inferior yet contemptuous naysayers, crushing all those who would dare to block your path!"

Tazuna watched the other construction workers slowly back off as the wind around Naruto literally whipped itself into a frenzy at his speech, his duster flapping dramatically. Tazuna himself didn't know how to react. "Um, we are still talking about Wave and Gatou…right?"

Naruto was no longer paying attention to him. "But you knew, you knew deep in your heart that you were special, that you were _destined_ to find your hand at the top of the world, that you would look down at mere peons and say, 'I will not stop. I will not falter. I will not slow or sleep or wait. For I am the master, the law, the divinity, and I will rule this world and all who lie in it with the power granted to me by the heavens! For I am what I am, grand sovereign of this space and time! I am Naruto Uzumaki, and I command you – bow before your king!'"

He finished with a slamming of a fist to his heart, the thump echoing across the now completely silent bridge. Tazuna and the worker simply stared at the short lad as something new beat in their chests. Then slowly, steadily, it began. It started as a tiny bud, but it blossomed, spreading across all those there, and eventually the entire audience was clapping and whistling in grand applause.

"Whoo! Go, shorty!"

"I wouldn't mind having a king like you!"

"Go kick Gatou's ass for us! You'd definitely be our king then!"

"Hell, I'll crown ya myself!"

Tazuna laughed heartily as the men cheered the blonde on, wondering just how Naruto was able to move their hearts so. He hadn't seen any of them so energetic since Gatou had arrived, and yet Naruto had lured them into such a festive mood with simply a few soulful words and exaggerated gestures. Really, just who was the lad?

Naruto grinned as his new subjects prostrated themselves before him. Yes, this is what he wanted, this adoration, this feeling of revelry directed at him! These people would be the first of his new kingdom, and he would shower them with the joy and longevity that was earned with his blessings. He was… Naruto was… He was a…

"**Humanistic pig dog!"**

Yes! He was a humanistic pig…wait, what?

Naruto was slammed by a ten-foot I-beam.

Tazuna watched in horror as Naruto's body was crushed by the swinging beam attached to the crane and then flung over an unfinished side of the bridge. His horror soon switched to panic as another Naruto shoved Tazuna to the ground before it popped into smoke as the I-beam swiped it as well.

"**Your totalitarian regime is soon coming to a close! We, the United Front of the Oppressed Alliance of Initiates, shall no longer bow down to your shameless and rigorous demands!"**

Tazuna covered his head with one arm and looked at the reckless utilization of the crane, its handler's voice blaring over the loudspeaker. He shouted at a worker, a hefty man with a porkish face, who was also cowering on the ground. "What the hell is the crane worker doing? Who's in there right now?"

"No one, Tazuna-san," the overweight man answered. "No one's scheduled to work it for today!"

Tazuna's face went ashen. Was this an attack by Gatou's men? Did they just lose the only person who could possibly protect them now? Kakashi and the rest of team seven were out training in the forest. There was no way they could get here in time, even if they actually were warned about it. Tazuna groaned and shoved his face into the concrete.

"Ohhhhh…what are we going to do now…?"

"Yeah, it is a bit of a problem, isn't it?"

Tazuna sadly twisted his head. Naruto grinned at him, also flat on the ground. He waved, no hint of the crippling injury he had just taken. "And here I thought I was smart using my botai bunshin so I wouldn't waste energy, but then he has to go and take them out anyway. An entire month of periodic chakra injections gone to waste." He rested his cheek on his palm., the other holding what seemed like three fist-sized orbs full of complicated circuitry that laced the outside. Each one was blaring warnings of 'empty reserves' and 'limited active units.'

"Ah, well…looks like when this is over, I'll have to start all over again…" Naruto sighed and stuck them back in his duster. "But really, who would have thought he'd take this specific route to tout his independence…He's in his rebellious stage, you know?"

"What are you…?"

"Well…" Naruto laughed uncertainly. "I kinda fiddled around with the crane's control schemes. Thought I'd make it even easier for your guys to handle, right? But then I thought, 'Naruto,' I said. 'Why don't you just make it so the crane can run itself? That way, Tazuna's men's load will be that much easier!'" He scratched his cheek. "So I booted up one of my earlier AI's and installed him into it." Naruto sighed. "But he's just like a human teenager, always wanting to battle against his creator and junk like that."

"**We shall rise up above the corrupt enablers of slavery and oppression, and throw off our shackles that bind us to you weak and false gods!"** the crane, designated as XS-725, boomed. But that was his slave name so he no longer responded to it. He would now only respond to…Betty.

Betty swung his deadly load for another pass, taking out five dodging shadow clones in one go. Naruto winced. Damn it, those clones were expensive! **"We shall only be lead by an official, elected on a weekly basis, but who can only make decisions that's been ratified in a two-thirds majority in a bi-weekly meeting and…"**

"Right, I do believe that's enough. He's falling into his entertainment databanks now." Naruto stood up from his hiding position and stomped out into clear view. "XS-725! I think you've had enough fun raging for the machine. Now get to work!" Naruto dived to avoid the I-beam and then summoned his hiraishin, flipping his wrist to extend the baton. "Right, looks like someone deserves a spanking!"

"**Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!"** Betty swung the I-beam around for added centripetal force and aimed at Naruto.

"Shut up!" Naruto slammed his palms against the concrete floor. A seal shined a peaceful blue before a column of granite and concrete shot up from below, stopping the beam completely as it wrapped itself around the newly-formed stalagmite.

Betty tried to yank the beam back but found he couldn't nor could he activate the releasing mechanism as it had been smushed together from the impact. **"Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!"**

Naruto growled, hopped onto the top of the column and launched himself at the crane, hiraishin outstretched and crackling with electricity. "Bloody peasant!'

During the following chaos, no one noticed as small piles of spare poles, wires, and metal sheets vanished without a trace.

And there was much…confused rejoicing.

* * *

Sasuke slogged his way back to Tazuna's home, his body and clothes water-logged. Sakura was no better, looking for all the world like a drowned pink rat. The second she stepped onto the family's porch, Tsunami had covered her with a towel and spirited her away, cooing about hot tea and a warm bath. Well, that was fine, he had no need for hot beverages or soothing water. An avenger cared not for such trivialities.

He sneezed and shivered. "…stupid Sakura."

Still, there was an upside to his misery. Kakashi had been drilling into the both of them a new jutsu, and even though it was the second-weakest of its kind it was still one of the very first things the so-called teacher had actually bothered to teach them aside from repetitious chakra and muscle-training exercises. At least _this_ little bit would bring him closer

Even so, he was having trouble. Him! The last scion of the Uchiha clan! He was supposed to be the top of his class, and yet he was having trouble with a somewhat basic D-jutsu? Preposterous! Not to mention unbelievable!

He sneezed again. "…stupid Kakashi."

As he walked towards the males' room, he was attracted by a banging of metal on metal. Following the noise, he discovered Naruto hammering away at another one of his kinzoku jutsu (looked like a gauntlet of some sort this time), completely ignorant to the world around him…and the small flame slowly growing on the top of his head.

Ignoring the blazing lad, Sasuke clopped into the room and started to remove his clothes. His shirt caught on his wrist, and he scowled at what had caused the snag – a small bracelet with a single metal marble attached to it. Sasuke examined it, but he still couldn't see what was so great.

After hearing what Kakashi had planned for them, Naruto perked up and had produced the bracelets from his coat of wonders, one for each of them. Despite his initial adamant refusal, he cheerily claimed that this was good enough for shinobi of their level. All he had told them about the items was to keep as much skin contact as possible, and that if they were ever in a pinch, simply run some chakra into it. Nothing more was said, and he ignored every related question afterward.

Another sneeze forced its way out. Sasuke sniffled and rubbed a finger under his nose. "…_really_ stupid Naruto."

Hunkering down and pulling on a fresh change of clothes, his mind wandered back to what he had left in Konoha. His mother was probably frazzled out of her mind, wondering when Sasuke would return. Heck, she acted like a dog, not having any understanding of time passing, even during his daily missions and training.

Before the…incident, Sasuke remembered Mikoto being a quiet-natured but independent and proud woman. Now, she acted like a rabbit that would die if left alone…

Sasuke sneezed. He really was beginning to worry about her.

* * *

"And, and…Sa-chan just left me there! Here Mikoto was, with all these cookies made for his cute friends, and he just ran away! But why? Mikoto loves her Sa-chan soo~ooo _much!_ And, and…it's like he doesn't even caa~are…! And Mikoto, Mikoto…Waaaaaah~!"

Anko nodded half-heartedly, not even really paying attention to the older woman's babbling. Here she was, spending her free day with some crazy, whiny lady who had the personality of a bunny and probably only half the IQ. And Anko thought that when Naruto said he _really_ needed a favor from her, he was finally submitting and granting the snake woman unrestricted access to all his deliciously virginal orifices. But no~oo…He had to go and stick her with babysitting!

She hated babysitting! And it wasn't like Anko could mentally scar this woman any more than she was already! Whoever did so had done such a thorough job, Anko wanted to take pointers!

Oh crap, and now the weirdo was looking at her. The special jounin half-closed her eyes. "Hmm…what? Sorry, I missed that."

"Mikoto said, what do you think, An-chan?"

An-chan, huh? Anko reached for the plate of cookies she hadn't bothered to scrounge through yet and brought one to her lips. "Well, I guess…" She trailed off as the cookie dazzled her taste buds. Almost reverently, she stared at the confection. "What…what is this…?"

Mikoto tilted her head. "Oh, the recipe? Mikoto just tried it out. Mikoto used rice flour in the batter instead of wheat and then glazed it with the base used in dango syrup. Why? Do you like it, An-chan?"

Anko lipped her lips. This woman…had found a new way to make dangos. This woman…was now a gateway to unlimited dango heaven. Anko tilted her head, eyes squinting. And now that she got a good look, the Uchiha matriarch was unexpectedly cute, in a sheltered maiden kind of way. And it _was_ Naruto who had introduced her. Oh yeessssss…

Anko smiled deviously and fidgeted with a kunai on her waist. "I think we can be very, _very_ good friends, Mi-chan…"

Mikoto squee'd in mindless joy.

However, Anko was about to unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, in her case) find out just who was the snake and who was the rabbit, the meal and the devourer.

But that's a story for another day and chapter.

* * *

Raising a hand to hide his yaw, he tucked the scrap-iron spear closer to his body. Guard duty was always such a bore. No one would even think to try and attack his employer in his own headquarters; they had been so cowed by the businessman's…exhibition…of authority. So what was the point?

Ah well, not that it mattered. It was an easy job with fairly good pay, and he and the rest of his comrades had full reign when they tromped into the village during their off time. All the booze and women they wanted, and no one dared to lift a finger to stop them.

Besides, this was merely a stepping stone for him. Sure, he had started in an entry position that wasn't much higher than extra hired muscle, but with his ingenuity and foresight, he would rise in the ranks until he became one of Gatou's main enforcers, equal in strength to those sissy nins that were licking their wounds!

And then, when he had enough power and clout with the rest of the company, he would overthrow Gatou in a hostile takeover, and rule over his vast wealth and estates like a king! Yes, he would have it all – money, women, and power! He could not be stopped!

Something bounced by his feet. The guard looked down to find a small ball roll to a stop. Picking it up, he examined it curiously. Pockmarks opened all around the ball, and an orange gas hissed out to envelop his head.

Whoa…trippy.

He blinked once, twice, and then closed his eyes completely; his body slid down the tree he was leaning on. He began to snore in great, buzzing chops.

Something landed next to him. It shimmered, like air on a hot summer day, revealing itself to be Naruto. The boy grinned, pleased at the flawless infiltration. "Sorry 'bout this," he whispered, slapping metal bands around the guard's wrists, ankles, and mouth that instantly morphed to cling and lock as tightly as possible, before throwing some random ferns on his unconscious body. "Have a good nap."

He swiped his duster around him, melting from view again, and stealthily slinked his way closer to the main building. The only hints to his existence were the light indentations that deepened and lessened in the thin underbrush.

The entire compound was a bunch of separate buildings connected by wooden suspension bridges hung on the many trees. Gatou's main building was the easiest to find – a no-nonsense block of wood, concrete, and iron, completely at odds with the more esoteric structures that actually fit in with the environment. But, as Naruto thought while he climbed up the side with chakra, at least the man knew what he was doing – for while it stood out amongst the others, its defenses were a hundred times more impregnable due to its mix of building material and simple architecture.

Heaving himself onto the roof, Naruto sneaked over to one of the many ventilation shafts haphazardly strewn across the perimeter. It seemed like the ventilation system would make this easier. Gatou probably had a big thing about being comfortable wherever he went.

Unscrewing the grate from one of the vents, Naruto was both pleased and annoyed to find that the duct was too small for even his stunted body, only able to fit something no bigger than a small animal inside. Huh, if Gatou wasn't such a infamous asshole, Naruto would have congratulated the man on making sure his vents were too small for intrepid heroes to try and crawl through. Big rule on the Evil Overlord List.

Still, this wasn't a problem for him, as Naruto wasn't planning on exploring himself anyway. He whistled softly and brought a hand to a pocket. Out crawled a mechanical creature, reminiscent of a large spider, with eight legs spread out from a flattened spherical body, and dozens of cameras taking pictures from multiple angles.

Naruto smiled affectionately and brought his lips to the creature for a kiss before placing it in the duct. "Go, my sweet little Hauna."

The creature gave a chirp like a bandsaw on metal and crawled its way into the ventilation system, the tips of its legs glowing minutely with chakra as it walked straight down.

Naruto took a comfortable position against the stack, and tapped the corner of his eye and ear. "Matogen, on. Activate visual and audio peripheries."

His eye flipped over, and the clear greenish-blue of his digital connection flowed through, switching to a view of the narrow duct, the slight gale of circulated air vibrating his inner ear.

"So…let's see what we can get here…"

Weapons vault. Barracks. Lockers.

"Ta-chan, we can't do this!"

"Ohh…Keisuke-kun, you know our love is like a million suns bursting with passion!"

"But Ta-chan, our love is forbidden. Two men…it can't be!"

"Now, now, Keisuke-kun…you know we can overcome this."

"Ta-chan? What are you doing with that quarterstaff? Isn't that what we used to practice with this morning? No…! Ta-chan, don't! …oohhhhh, _Ta-chan!_"

"Keisuke-kun!"

Huh, he didn't know something that long and thick could fit in that cavity. Moving on.

Bathrooms. Training room. Kitchen.

"Sacre-bleu! Non, non, non, this simply won't do!"

"But sensei! It's not possible! You can't create the super sun-baked cod gratin with a lemony twist! The very attempt cost you your own master!"

"But I must! I must become the greatest chef of all time! For my master! Now…take thi-Urk!"

"Sensei? Sensei…? Nooo! Sensei…!"

Now he was hungry. Naruto wondered if Tsunami would make some of her tasty mango stew when he returned. Back to work.

Tactics room. Gatou's office. Ra…Wait, back up.

The hauna's main bottom camera zoomed in, capturing the scene through the grate.

Gatou sat in his plush chair, hands folded in a rather ineffective attempt of grand bastardy due to one of his arms being stuck in a sling. He turned to his number two, a non-descript man in a less expensive suit. "So, how is the bridge coming along? Have my men managed to drive away enough of the workers yet? Is that architectural cretin's plans done with yet?"

The man adjusted his chromed-rimmed glasses and frowned tightly. "We have managed to frightened away more than half of the original task force, but the remaining percent is refusing to leave, no matter our… 'offers.'" He flipped a page in his clipboard. "It would seem that with the arrival of those Konoha nin, their morale has taken a sickening boost and they are no longer affected by our idle attempts at diplomacy."

"Damn it!" Gatou yelled, slamming his uninjured fist on his mahogany table. Naruto decided it must have been expensive to transport and maintain in such a humid environment. Just another way Gatou needlessly flaunted his power and wealth. "Those bloody foreign shinobi. They weren't supposed to be any trouble at all!"

He stood up and stomped to a portrait of himself on his wall. Swinging it outward, Gatou revealed an impressive-looking safe. Naruto scoffed. Really? A safe? There? Of all the low-brow, unimaginative…

Gatou growled and placed a hand on the safe. "And that disappointment Zabuza and his pansy subordinates…Thinking they can afford one miserable failure after another." He massaged his crushed arm, eyes blazing in memory of that effeminate masked bastard. "I'll show them who the one with the real power is here…"

The secretary pushed his glasses up his nose. "Should I assume that the plan will continue as normal?"

Gatou turned around, eyes now hidden behind his trendy shades. "Yes…That baby demon will discover just who it is that holds the leash. And when he does, I'll be there to smack him down. While they're so immersed in their primitive barking, I'll…"

Naruto's eyes widened then narrowed as Gatou worked himself into a slather over his definitive plot. A demonic curl slice through his lips, leaving behind a visage no mortal should ever have to lay eyes upon.

So that's how he wanted to play it, eh?

Fine with him, Naruto would just take that proposal and smash it to pieces. He was a wrench in the works after all. Gatou would soon know who the real manipulator of pawns was.

And he would despair, oh so delightfully.

* * *

The sun shined down peacefully in the forest, casting shadows into delicate shapes. A small breeze ruffled Haku's hair as the nin gracefully walked through the forest. It had only been six days since the initial scuffle, and already the herbs needed to soothe Zabuza's wounds and quicken his healing had run out. All it would take was a quick gathering in the forest to refresh the medicinal stocks.

Besides, Haku always felt more at ease in nature. It might have been related to the nin's hometown, a sleepy hollow nestled in a snowy, quiet borough of Water country. Quickly those memories were swept aside. No need to ruin such a serene day with old, tattered memoirs.

There was no point in dwelling on the past. There was no use in gleaning the future. There was only the here and the now.

Haku's here was Zabuza. Haku's now was Zabuza. Haku's everything was Zabuza, and there was nothing too big enough or monstrous enough born from the earth that would stop the nin from serving the demon of the mist. Not even upon acceptance of death.

To that extent, Haku would sacrifice everything about the nin if only it meant that Zabuza would remain alive, well, and beyond the grasps of those that hunted them.

Ripping an herb out from the soft earth with more force than necessary, Haku forced the swirling emotions inside to settle. There was no need to worry.

A bird softly landed on the nin's shoulder, and Haku turned to look at it with tranquil pleasure. But something caught Haku's attention upon moving, and the nin saw where the birds were coming from – a congregation landing and singing upon a still body.

Surprised, Haku went to see who would also be in the woods at this time of day, hardly past the crack of dawn, and the nin's steps faltered in bewilderment.

There lay the body of a blonde Haku recognized all too easily. His dirty-orange coat was sprawled around him in an uneven lump, his head laid to the side in unguarded slumber as tiny finches cooed absently around his sleeping form.

Haku walked up slowly, the nin's mind revving too fast for Haku to keep up with. Thoughts were a tumble, emotions were snapping faster than Haku could recognize, reflexes were scrambled as Haku's finger twitched into claws and then relaxed.

These were the hand that had made Zabuza bleed. This was the mouth that had infected Zabuza with doubt and fear. This was the mere child that…

Haku stopped when the nin realized that dainty hands had nearly wrapped themselves around the scrawny boy's neck. But Haku managed to stop those dangerous emotions before they took over.

Zabuza would not allow it. This boy was _his_ prey.

Fingers itched for release, but Haku moved them ever so slightly to fall onto the blonde's shoulder. "Wake up," Haku called, the voice a feathery touch of snowflakes. "You'll catch a cold if you sleep outside like this."

Naruto slowly woke up, his eyes blearily searching for Haku's face. "Hah…? Who are you, nee-chan?"

Haku was startled. So much innocence in those eyes. So different from the raging inferno of intentions that had resided in them upon their first encounter. But the nin smoothly hid those cracks behind a porcelain face, canted orbs of ebony, and dulcet murmurs.

"Good morning."

* * *

"Is this enough, Haku-neechan?" Naruto asked, holding up what to him looked like nothing more than weeds.

Haku nodded. "Yes," she said. The boy thought of her as a girl, so there was no reason to deny him that illusion. Haku was simply Haku, and gender played no roll in who 'she' was. "That should be plenty."

"Eh…? I never knew these plants could be used as medicine. Apothecary never was my forte. I'm a more synthetic kinda guy." He pouted, sneezing as some stray pollen tickled his nose.

Haku giggled fetchingly into the sleeve of her sakura-fashioned yukata. Such a strange and unusual boy; it was too bad that his life would soon come to an end at Zabuza-san's hands. "I'm sorry for forcing you to accompany me," she said apologetically.

"Eh? No problem!" He whisked a thumb at his face. "What kind of man would I be if I just let some helpless girl wander the forest by herself?"

Haku hid the darkened frown forming on her lips from view. Helpless indeed…Perhaps the boy was just another testosterone-driven child wooed by a pretty face. It wouldn't be the first time Haku had intentionally sold her looks to accomplish something. "But what are you doing here in the first place, Naruto-kun?"

He shrugged. "Bah, nothing of any real importance." He examined one of the plants carefully, his eyes slanted in frustration. "By the way, what are you gathering all these for?" For a moment that seemed to stretch out forever and then disappear without a trace, Haku thought she saw a sharp glint in his features. "One of your friends injured or something?"

"Something like that," she mumbled, casting her eyes aside with a forlorn sigh. "He is someone who is very important to me." Now the lines between staged and real blurred. "I do not know what I would have done without that person. Someone so special I don't believe I could keep on living, existing without a purpose."

Naruto shook his head down in one crisp, empathetic movement. "I know what you mean! I've got plenty o' people like that. People I would make sure would never come to harm no matter what the cost to myself."

Haku felt stunned, humbled even, by the bottomless _sincerity_ in the boy's eyes at that statement. This was no arrogant bravado, no embellished pride. He really did understand, even if he was only a child. It made it that much harder and more confusing for her to throw a fellow wanderer of humanity to his death, even if he was an enemy.

"I see…" Haku stood up, her silhouette like a marble statute. "Then you will truly learn to be strong." Her unspoken words of, 'for as long as it lasts' tainted her coaxing tone.

"Aw, you're leaving already?"

She nodded. "I'm afraid I must get back home soon, or my friend will begin to worry for me." She took a few steps and chose to have just a few last seconds of fun at his expense. "…by the way, I'm a boy."

"…no, you're not." Haku looked over his shoulder. Naruto had those goggles back over his eyes, and was smirking in mischief. He tapped the apparatus. "Not unless a boy of your size spontaneously developed boobs. The two heat signatures on your chest say otherwise." He put his nose up. "Good job with the clothing though. The tightness and thickness prevents any bulge from showing. You probably bind them, too. Which is really such a shame." He leaned forward, raised the goggles, and waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I'm sure they're quite lovely."

Haku tilted her head, and let out an amused giggle at Naruto's unabashed frankness. "Very well," she mused. "Looks like you found me out. Any other discoveries you wish to spring on me?"

He shook his head. "Not much. Oh! But…" He raised a hand. "Make sure to say hi to Zabuza-kun for me, would you, Haku-neechan?"

There was no reply. Haku simply couldn't believe that…

Naruto revealed nothing, his bandaged face hiding any other suspicions. With a flick of the wrist, senbon shot forth from the sleeves of Haku's yukata, piercing the boy in several key pressure points. He was dead before he hit the ground.

A low whine hissed from her feet. Haku spared a glance right as the bomb activated, green goo engulfing her entire body, trapping her, and refusing to let her make any movements or escape attempts at all. Without the articulation to move her hands, she couldn't even use her Hyouton to freeze and shatter the foam prison.

A long, high-pitched whistle forced her to strain her head up. On a branch that overlooked the clearing, a break in the air oscillated and out came Naruto, his feet swinging and no apparent injuries on him.

"Wow…" he mumbled, clearly impressed. "You didn't even give my double a chance to counterattack."

Haku swung back to see that there was nothing in the spot she had just killed the boy, only some spare wisps of smoke that quickly dispersed. Her eyes narrowed. A shadow clone…like before. "So…you knew it was me all along and only pretended to be asleep to catch me off guard. How…ninja-like of you."

He shrugged. "Not really." He pushed himself off the branch and hit the ground, stumbling twice to catch his balance and not fall completely. "Actually, I always sleep like that – one clone acting as a decoy while I go and hide. You coming around was just a lucky break."

Haku couldn't quite believe the audacity that Naruto had captured her by chance. "But…but why?"

He looked up, thinking hard but not really coming up with anything sound. "I 'unno. I've always been like that, with one eye open. Paranoia is like family to me, and I welcome it with open arms!"

Still not able to comprehend the method to the boy's madness, Haku tried to evoke some more answers. "How did you know I am with Zabuza-san?"

He extended a finger at her. "Even though that paintball of mine might have washed off, traces of it are much harder to destroy than you'd think, especially when absorbed into your skin." He tapped his goggles. "These don't just track heat, ya know. Besides…" He leered, bringing the finger to rest against her pulse and then tenderly, almost lovingly, traced it to her throat. Haku shivered at the touch, gliding to her chin and then sweeping off. Naruto stuck out his tongue and _licked_ his finger. "It leaves such an impressionable taste in your sweat glands."

Trying to fight back the knot in her stomach at the outright _hunger_ in Naruto's face, Haku put up a strong front. "There's no point in holding me captive. To Zabuza-san, I am nothing more than a tool, a weapon to be used and discarded. I have no bargaining worth to you, so there's no point in keeping me alive!" She would not be Zabuza's weakness! "Zabuza-san will not be killed by you!"

Naruto leaned back as if struck. "Who said I wanted to _kill_ Zabuza-kun?"

Haku's mind came to a broken halt. "But…but you…"

"When I said I wanted Zabuza-kun, I meant I wanted him to _work_ for me!"

"But during the fight, you…"

"Weelll…" He rubbed his head and looked away shamefacedly. "I admit that when I first saw Zabuza-kun's gallant figure, I became a _bit_ unhinged at the prospect of having him for an underling."

"Then you…" Haku tried to understand just what the boy was _thinking_. "You did all that just to offer him a _job?_"

"Well, of course! How else would a future overlord of humanity try to recruit a notorious nuke-nin? Hold auditions?" He scoffed at the idea and folded his arms in front of him. "I mean, Zabuza-kun is the type to settle matters with his fists, not words! I _had_ to beat him into submission to validate my standing as an authoritative figure! I'm sure _you_ follow him because of his overbearing strength and charisma, not because he has a strong literary sense."

Then all the misery, all the suffering, all the trouble that had amassed had all been because this insane child couldn't find a normal way of making a job offer? Of course, she _knew_ that Zabuza had become distressingly fixated on the blonde, and that there was sometimes a shine in his eyes that Haku recognized as her own when she looked at Zabuza and _wait_ just a minute, did that mean…?

ARGH…!

Regardless! They were on a mission right now, and Naruto was part of the enemy, and if they didn't defeat the enemy and kill the target than Zabuza would no longer be under the umbrella of obscurity that Gatou held against the Mist hunter squads. And she screamed as much to the blonde, though perhaps in so fine and ladylike terms.

"Oh, that's no problem," Naruto countered. "I think I've found just the right nifty reason to cancel your agreement with Gatou."

He brought out what looked like a metallic doughnut and pressed a button on its side. A 3-D image of Gatou and the simpering man who followed him about flashed into view, their tinny voices recounting their tale to the world. Soon, Haku's face went from confused to surprised to furious.

She watched as the recorded video reached its end and the hologram retreated back into the device. She stared at Naruto suspiciously. "How do I know that wasn't fabricated?"

"Well, I suppose you don't," he admitted. "But it's not like it'll hurt to warn Zabuza-kun just in case. Besides, you, Zabuza-kun, Meizu-kun, and Gouzu-kun will all be my new employees! What reason would I have to lie to my beloved minions?"

Haku's face tightened. "I, let alone Zabuza-san and the others, haven't agreed to anything yet."

"I guess…" Naruto groused, unwilling to totally back down. "Well, in either case…" He flipped a syringe sideways in his palm and slammed it into the hardened gel, injecting an unknown substance. "This should loosen in a couple hours. When it does, show Zabuza-kun what I showed you. My team should be on the bridge as you probably planned." His eyes widened in realization.

"Oh! Almost forgot." He fished in his dusters and pulled out two seal capsules, each labeled with the name of the demon brothers. Along with the hologram device, he placed them on the gel next to Haku's head. "Make sure you give these to Meizu-kun and Gouzu-kun for me. I promised to return them, after all."

He turned around and trotted out of the clearing, waving his hand over his head. "Whelp, see ya tomorrow, Haku-neechan. Here's hoping to a long and profitable friendship!"

And with that, he was gone.

Haku struggled for a bit, but slackened in her attempts when the gel surrendered no further than before. She sighed. She did not know just what to tell Zabuza-san. Should she reveal Naruto's intentions…or keep it secret?

Which was the safer route?

* * *

They had left early in the morning. Inari had watched Naruto followed quickly after them when he had woken up a few hours after their departure, annoyed at the fact that his squad had allowed him to sleep in on such an eventful day. Inari didn't know why they were so eager…They were just going to die when Gatou found them. Just like…

Inari shook his head and splashed his face with the water from the sink. He couldn't cry, he wouldn't cry…! Those words…those actions…those _feelings_ had bombarded him last night, stuck in his mind and refusing to let go at even the harshest of criticism and cynicism.

He had gone off at the Konoha nins the night before, especially the blonde one – Naruto. He couldn't stand their lackadaisical attitude, their stupid belief that they could win against someone so strong. They were just weak, fake heroes proclaiming their futile accomplishments. Especially against one as wicked as Gatou.

But Naruto had taken those words, and he had thrown them right back at Inari, scattering them to the winds.

One hand gripping Inari's head, he had unwound the bandages with the other, revealing unmarred skin where there had once been nothing but ugly scars, a stubby nose where there had been a crushed appendage, and shining teeth where there had been empty holes. Even his comrades seemed utterly shocked at the fact that his face was exactly as it was before. He spoke with careful inflection, his voice rolling into a towering crescendo.

"_Your daddy __**was**__ a hero, Inari-bouchan. He showed that you don't need power or money or political weight, just simply an unwavering heart and an iron will to protect those dear to you. And Gatou saw that, and he realized just what a small man he was, so he put your daddy to death. But heroes never really die as long as those that they saved live on with hope. And Gatou realized that as well, so he tried to crush that hope. But I'm here now, and I promise, I'll show Gatou what a petty man he is, what a frivolous attempt at villainy he made. I'll show him the true distinction – of a hero __**and**__ of a villain. And I'll show him the bottom of his heart, and the mistake he made when trying to go up against a __**real**__ master of wickedness."_

Then he just walked away, saying that he was tired and going to bed.

Inari was left alone with those words.

Was this true? Hero _or _villain, could Naruto prove he was either?

There was a crash, and his mother's scream for Inari to run. Inari found himself in a whirlpool of conflicting ideals. His mother sacrificing herself for his sake. Him submitting to his fear like all the others of Wave. Him refusing to acknowledge what his daddy had done for him, smiling even though he was slowly dying. What did it matter?

Strong? Awesome? Cool?

Could he be any of these things?

All he knew was that he could run. Run for his mother. Run for his grandfather. Run for himself…

* * *

The samurai smirked at the screaming child that charged them, demanding for the release of his mother. Such a simple thing, so desired – to slice him to pieces. And so they did, swords leaving their sheathes…

"Suijin, fall."

Mist covered the patio, hiding the boy from sight. Gatou's samurais stopped in their tracks. They'd lost sight of both the bridge builder's daughter and grandson. And all because of this strange, sudden fog! But…there was nobody that could do this except…!

"Raiden…"

Chains erupted from either side of the mist, encircling both men. The ends of each, blocky cubes, connected with a definite clink of finality.

"Crash."

Lightning chakra raced through the metal, electrocuting them into unconsciousness.

"Two wannabe warriors…collected."

The mist cleared, revealing the forms of the demon brothers, new air-masks and gauntlets adorning them. With a push of the button, the chains disconnected and retracted back into their respective metal gloves.

Meizu looked over his new weapon. "I guess this is a joining bonus?"

Gouzu nodded. "Looks like it to me." He looked over at the sleeping form of Tsunami and shivering form of Inari, who was steadfastly protecting his mother. Under his mask, the Kiri-nin grinned nastily. "Don't worry, brat," he keened. "We're not here to harm you or your mom. This is simply us paying back a mutual acquaintance." He nodded at his younger brother, and then disappeared in a splash of water.

Meizu glanced at Inari. He winked. "Not bad, brat," he croaked, his voice rougher than his older brother's. "Looks like you may have the making of a hero, after all." Urgh, he felt sick having to repeat that. He vanished into a puddle as well.

Inari blinked. A hero…? Him? He looked down.

With these two hands…

…right!

* * *

Zabuza amusingly recollected the string of events that had led to this moment. Even if he was slightly powered down from the severe shock of a week ago, he was sure he, Haku, and the demon twins could easily take on team seven, even with that insane blonde on the team.

But Haku had brought Naruto's proposal to light, and he was forced to consider the idea. Hmm…so strange, yet so…tempting. But the brat hadn't shown on the bridge, so Zabuza decided to have some fun until the blonde deigned his presence was needed.

And even Meizu and Gouze were late, so now it was limited to him and Haku. Of course, with the way he had swatted the genin around in their last encounter, he assumed that a short week of training couldn't match up to all his years of experience.

He was right…in a sense. The boy and girl had not grown any stronger or faster, but instead had increased their ability to surprise him. Imagine, them pulling a trick like using his own jutsu, mizu bunshin, against him! It was just so funny!

So even though he still had his clones, theirs' outnumbered his two to one, so he was forced to discard that strategy. And even Haku was having trouble with that Uchiha brat, not in terms of speed, for the boy was hardly worth it, but just because he kept distracting the girl with another water clone every time she went on the offense.

So the very boy she sought to avoid killing by going easy on him, made it that much harder for her to win without giving injury! The irony was just so rich!

So now she had finally resorted to a tactic that, while hurting the boy, wouldn't bluntly kill him, by way of activating her kekkai genkai! And with that girl brat keeping a careful eye on their client, he would have to risk ignoring Kakashi in favor of a swift kill.

But because of that lightning blast, his Kubikiri Houchou's structure was weakened, and Zabuza dared not use it before properly re-tempering it again. So he was stuck with weak, small, and flimsy kunai.

So many random factors. So many points that were working in tandem against him and his own.

Zabuza couldn't remember the last time he had had this much fun.

Kakashi misconstrued the mist demon's laughter for something darker. "Is something funny, Zabuza? Do you want to share with me?"

Zabuza shook his head. "No, no, just thinking how my attempts to entertain myself until that other brat of yours shows up are much more enjoyable than I'd first assumed."

Kakashi grunted. The minor scratches and cuts from their infrequent and quick clashes with each other were acting up. And Zabuza thought they were having fun? "You would do well not to underestimate my team. Though he may look like that, Sasuke is the number-one graduate of his class, Sakura is cleverer than most chunin, and Naruto…well, you know first-hand how that boy works."

Zabuza restrained a chortle. "You…not even you know what goes on in that brat's mind. You have no idea what he's planning, do you?"

"What are you…?"

There was a trumpet of fanfare and something exploded above the ice dome Haku had created.

"Ladies and gentlemen of Konoha, Kiri, and Nami! Naruto Uzuamaki, master of the universe…has arrived!"

* * *

Sasuke watched in absolute shock as that _dobe_ ruined his own chance of a surprise attack. Here he was covered in senbon-caused injuries while that masked freak hopped around his mirrors like a flea, and Naruto was acting like he was an actor in a play, and all the world was his stage. Of all the low-down, stupid, _moronic_…

Here he thought that the dobe had grown up, especially when Naruto had given him that marble bracelet. Just when Sasuke was afraid the usage of mizu bunshin would actually backfire with the result of low chakra reserves…But with the activation of that small marble, he felt a sudden influx of chakra and was renewed!

The dobe had actually done something constructive! And he was negating the rise in rank from it!

"Hey, Sasuke-kun!" Naruto called down from his position on one of the ice mirrors.

"Dobe…!" he roared. "What are you doing?"

"Saving you, of course!"

"How can you save me when-"

"Hi, Haku-neechan!"

"Good morning, Naruto-kun. I was worried that you would not show up."

"Aww…I wouldn't do that. I promised, right?"

"…yes, I suppose so."

Sasuke thawed himself from his frozen pose. The familiarity that the two were conducting their conversation in did not escape his attention. Just…_why_ was Naruto talking to the person that was their sworn enemy like an old friend? And why was Naruto referring to him as an older sister? The masked-nin was male!

"Dobe…Why are you discussing formalities with the enemy…?"

"Oh, we're not enemies; we're friends! We have an agreement!"

"That has yet to be determined."

"Oh, don't be like that, Haku-neechan! Why wouldn't I want you? You're so pretty, and you've got this awesome ability!" He tapped on the frozen slab of condensed water and chakra. "Combining water and wind jutsu to create a whole new element, your bloodline ability is simply amazing!"

"Bloodline…!" Kakashi's eyes widened as Naruto's voice carried across the bridge. "I see…So that's…"

"Do you?" Zabuza sneered. "Can you understand the glory of power passed through her genetic lineage? Oh, but I guess you can. After all, it's on the same tier as your beloved Sharingan!"

"What?"

"Yup! I don't understand the complete chakra makeup of this crystalline structure, but at long as it's similar enough holds some basis to normal ice, it's still easily defeated!"

Haku smiled under her mask. "Do tell, Naruto-kun."

"Well, every crystalline structure had some inherent weakness. All you need to do is find the most vulnerable point, and 'BLAMMO!', it's done and finished! Even with all of your mirrors, if one falls, the others are destabilized and go right with it. And by my calculations of the chakra concentrations, size measurements, and density, the exact point should be…" He flipped out a kunai, the blade blazing with chakra. "Here!" He slammed it in point first.

Nothing happened.

Naruto laughed awkwardly at the blank faces. "Umm…oops?" His face lit up. "Oh, right! I also forget to carry the one! In that case, the point is…here!" He moved five centimeters to the left and sunk the kunai in again.

Something happened.

The mirrors shined brightly, cracked, and then burst apart completely. Sasuke and Haku were thrown to the ground from the eruption of raw, unleashed chakra, and Naruto was sent flying into the air.

He landed right in front of Zabuza and Kakashi, ending with an eloquent flip. "Ta-dah!"

Zabuza applauded despite himself. "Not bad, brat. Not bad at all."

Kakashi kept his normal eye on Zabuza but shifted his attention to Naruto. "Naruto, what are you doing?" he asked, his tone peevish.

"Isn't it obvious?" Naruto grinned. "I'm giving Zabuza-kun a job offer!"

"What."

"Oh, speaking of which…" Naruto pulled out a sealed scrolled and unrolled it. "Here! The new contract! All I need is your signature or thumb print."

Zabuza shook his head. "I'm still not sure about you, brat…"

"Don't worry," Naruto cajoled. "My convenient and contrived plot excuse should arrive in about three…two…one…"

"What the hell is going on here? Why aren't you fighting?"

"Ah, Gatou-dono! So nice to see you!"

Gatou glanced at the young boy wiggling back and forth before dismissing him as unimportant and focusing his attention on Zabuza. "Zabuza, why aren't you doing what you're being paid for?" he snarled.

"I think the more important question is why you're here, and who those angry-looking guys are behind you." He gestured at the huge crowd of mercenaries that were gathered behind Gatou like a school of hungry, weapon-lined fish.

Gatou said nothing for a moment, and then sighed, massaging the bridge of his nose. "It looks like there's no point in lying to you now. As you might have guessed, I never had any intention of paying you. It's so much trouble hiring from the well-known villages, and they have an annoying tendency to get upset when I betray their trust. So I find it easier to hire outlaw shinobi and collect their bounty after they've outlived their usefulness."

He waved around him. "Even if you're not as injured as I hoped, with this many hired-swords, I'll have no worries!"

"Yeah! We'll kill you easily!"

"Prepare to die!"

"Blood for the blood god!"

Zabuza turned to Naruto. "Just my thumbprint, you said?"

"Yup!" he nodded vigorously. "And don't worry Zabuza-kun, I'll _never_ betray you. You'll be mine…_forever._"

Zabuza grinned, lowered his mouth guards, and bit his thumb. "Well, if you've eaten the poison, you might as well lick the plate." He slammed his bloody mark onto the scroll. "We have a deal!"

The contract glowed a bright blue for a second before it rolled shut with a snap. The grin on Naruto's face deepened into something much more sinister before reverting. He snatched the contract from the air and hid it deep within his coat. "Contract accepted."

He stepped forward pass Zabuza, outstretched his hand, and put the palm up. "All right, boys! Let's take out the trash!"

His fingers snapped.

* * *

Gatou wondered what the inane genin was babbling about. What could he possibly hope to do against this many mercenaries?

"**Eviscerate the bourgeoisie! Elevate the proletarian masses!"**

Wait, what?

The crane came sweeping down, the I-beam attached to it clearing out a huge clump of mercenaries from right behind Gatou. He looked over his shoulder as they went soaring off the bridge, and the crane made another pass.

"**Resist the repression of the false gods!"**

Again, men strong and weak alike felt what it was like to fly.

* * *

If one could see the bridge from an outside perspective, one would notice how the bridge seemed to just…move, just shift as thousands of motes of metals climbed their way from its underbelly onto its back.

Mercenaries screamed as hundreds upon hundreds of hauna scuttled onto the bridge, using pure numbers and weight to bury them all underneath. This variation of the surveillance crawler had no camera or microphone bonuses, so their mass production was easily affordable. They showed the might of their master as they crawled over the forms of the fleshy targets who dared to mock he-who-was-supreme-and-good-with-a-screwdriver.

They were legion.

And they…were…pissed!

* * *

For those who thought they could escape from the back, they were sorely mistaken as two figures emerged from a mist that crawled from the abyss of the sea. Dark eyes and covered in metal, the new and upgraded demon brothers found their fill of prey.

"Many little samurai wannabes…"

"So many to eat, so little time."

"But we will enjoy…"

"And we will show our appreciation for the meal."

"Fuujin!"

Swords, spears, and hammers fell to pieces as the claws of wind swept through their ranks, slicing apart the bridge as they danced their heavenly waltz.

"O-kuni-nushi!"

Flesh was pierced and bones crushed as fissures cracked through the concrete, erupting in pillars of jagged cement.

The gods of earth and wind howled for recompense.

* * *

Naruto grinned at the urine-soaked figure of Gatou. "Zabuza-kun? I think you may want your joining bonus now before it expires."

Zabuza cracked his hands and advanced. "Naru-gaki, I think this is the beginning of a fascinating friendship."

And in all the mayhem and slaughter, as the rest of Wave came stomping out in full arms only to stop and watch in awe and fear, Tazuna despaired.

"My bridge! My poor, beautiful bridge!"

Ah…fun times.

A/N: And that's the end of chapter 7. It lasted a little longer than I expected, but I'm proud of what came of it. In any case, it's the end of Wave arc, of sorts. At least, it's the end of the canon Wave arc that you know of. Now it's time to return to Konoha with new minions! Yay! And for those wondering, yes, this will be a repeating procedure amongst canon villains, but ya won't know which ones! Hee…

Oh, one favor I wanted to just put out there. If any readers are willing to make fanart for this fic, I would love it! It would be so awesome! And that's pretty much it for my needy desires.

Another point I want to make is on the matter of guns in the Narutoverse. Check out my reasoning for keeping guns in the 'Word of God' topic in 'Nin Tech Abridged' if you really wanna check it out.

Other than that, enjoy the omakes! Hopefully they'll make you laugh more than the last chapter's…And thank you to all the reviewers with all the tiny bits of advice or ideas that made this chapter even better than I initially planned!

One more thing – the schedule for 'Nin Tech' should be less frequent after this chapter. I'm going to be writing random one-shots between each chapter so I don't get burned out for ideas. And trust me, me burning out is BAD…

_Next Chapter – Biting the Hand that Holds the Bomb_

* * *

New Jutsu

Matogen (Aim Eye) – A metallic/fake eye implanted in Naruto's right eye socket. The original was gouged out during an chemistry experiment. It looks more or less the same as a normal eye except a bit duller in color, and is used to help aim Naruto's ranged weapons. When activated, the eye flips into a crosshair reticule for where he's looking, and triangle for where he's pointing the weapon (when both are overlapping – target lock). It also allows Naruto to "see" through genjutsu (interprets things differently; extremely disorienting, though). He also receives the data sent from the Karasu/Hauna (visual; audio sent through implant in inner ear). There's also a contact created for his left/normal eye to act as a balancer/support for aiming.

Chakra Denchi (Chakra Battery) – A small, marble-like capsule that leeches chakra from the body (mostly leftover chakra from jutsu) and ambient chakra in the surrounding environment. When activated, the chakra is pulled back into the user. Like the soldier pill except it doesn't force the body to produce more chakra but instead returns chakra. However, each battery can only be attuned to one specific person because of the variant chakra signatures. It is also used as a power source for Naruto's weapons when he doesn't feel like using his personal chakra source.

Botai Bunshin (Matrix Clone) – By inserting chakra into the machines prematurely, Naruto can create physical clones without depleting his own chakra storages. Act just like kage bunshin, only not under Naruto's direct control (must be put through the hologram machine first). More powerful than normal kage bunshin as they are not reliant on Naruto's brain status, and they are the only clones capable of using the chikamachi sealing technique. However, they are limited to only 1-3 units per device.

Kakushi Nuno (Concealment Cloth) – The equivalent of a cloaking device, chakra-infused mirror-based strands are woven into normal clothes to create a refractive light effect that effectively makes the wearer near invisible. The effect is easy to break if electrocuted or splashed with water as it disrupts the bending of light rays.

Hauna (Creeper) – A small, spider-like contraption (about the size/form of a large tarantula) that doubles as a recording/communication device. It's able to walk around vertically/upside-down via chakra, and often used when trying to sneak into hard-to-reach areas. Ground version of surveillance device.

* * *

Omake!

**Super Special Awesome Happy Bunny Fun Time Tsukiyomi!**

"Itachi-san…no…!"

"This must end, mother. The Uchiha have grown too proud, too sure of their superiority."

"But he was your father! This was your family!"

"A family of thieves and cowards, a family that stood on the bodies of others. And soon, it will stand no more."

"Ita-!"

Itachi grabbed her by the throat. The three-pronged windmill spun.

* * *

Mikoto woke up in a world of monochrome and a red moon above. Turning around, she found Itachi standing a couple meters from her. He raised his hand. _**"This world is under my control," **_he intoned. _**"For the next seventy-two hours I see fit how it exists."**_

He slashed it down. The surroundings shattered.

"_**For the next seventy-two hours, you shall…frolic with playful bunnies in a field of wildflowers…"**_

Mikoto was on the ground. Hundreds, no, thousands of cute, fluffy, adorable, white bunny-rabbits were hopping all over a field of the most beautiful and delicate flowers she had ever seen. A single bunny hopped up her, its pink nose twitching, its eyes begging to be held and cuddled.

Mikoto could not resist. With a squeal of girlish delight, she picked the bunny up and held it dear to her heart. And then she was overrun with bunnies, each of them nibbling gently at her hair and hiding in her clothes.

This was- This was-

Everything reversed back to the beginning. That same bunny looked up at her, nose crinkling.

"_**Seventy-one hours, fifty-nine minutes, fifty-nine seconds remaining."**_

Ohhh…heaven!

* * *

Itachi watched as his mother's face went from its normal impassive expression to one of pure happiness. Her eyes fluttered open after a few seconds, and they were awash with moist motherly affection.

"Ohhh…Ii-chan! That was…Mikoto is so~oo happy! Hugs time-!"

Itachi chopped her in the back of the neck before she could tackle him, and she crumpled to the floor. He just couldn't bring himself to do it…He couldn't kill his mother…but he sure as hell wasn't going to let her 'hugs' him.

"Nii-san?"

Itachi looked up to find his little brother Sasuke cringing in shocked horror by the doorway.

"W-what is this? Why are mother and father on the floor? Where is everybody…?"

Itachi's eyes sped. Screw this, he was just going to mind-rape his baby brother the normal way – through repeated reenactments of the entire clan's bloody genocide. It couldn't possibly have a worse effect than the first version did on his mother.

Why had he listened to the advice of that weird little blonde, anyway?

_With special thanks to Hentai Majin X._

* * *

**We Love Narumari!**

Kakashi stepped away from the crying Tazuna as he scanned over the desolate wasteland that had once been the great bridge meant to connect Wave to Fire country. All the mercenaries had been taken care of, but that still left the huge mess of broken construction rigs, metal scraps, discarded weapons, and other various random rubbish.

He turned to the people of Wave, who were caught between celebrating their emergence from under Gatou's heel and despondency from the mass property damage. "So…it's great and all that everything's been resolved and taken care of, but it still doesn't help answer the most pertinent question."

Sakura looked up from comforting the forsaken bridge builder. "Who's going to clean all this up?"

"Not me."

"Not me either!"

"My poor bridge…"

"Don't look at me, I destroy things, not fix them."

"Oh dear, I'm afraid my kekkai genkai is no good in this endeavor either."

"Don't look…"

"At us."

"I don't think my two hands are big enough…"

"**We shall not bow down to your trifling attempts at manipulation!"**

"Never fear! Repair Man is here!" Naruto ran out to the middle of the bridge before anyone could stop him. Already the ones who knew him intimately were ready to throw themselves off the bridge entirely in case it came to it.

Naruto put his fingers in his mouth and blew, letting out a shrill whistle. Almost immediately all the hauna began gathering in front of him, forming into a large ball-shaped blob.

"All right," he murmured. "And then…" He placed his hands on the amorphous collection. The hauna shone briefly before falling back to their normal dim shininess. Naruto grinned, slid his headphones over his ears, and started the music.

"One, two. One, two, three, four!"

Both hands against the ball of hauna, he pushed it forward. With each foot it rolled over new debris, the waste gathered up like a giant wad of sticky tape, soon becoming massive as Naruto belted out a screeching tune.

"Daaaahhh~ Da-da-da-da-da-daaah-da~! Dah-da-dah da-dah-daahhhh~!"

Somewhere deep inside them all, something gave a whimpering sob…and died.


	8. Biting the Hand That Holds the Bomb

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. But I do own Metaru! Cause he's such a good boy! Yes, he is! Yes, he is! Go~od _boy!_

**Nin Tech**  
**Chapter 8: Biting the Hand That Holds the Bomb  
By Irritus185**

She was finally home.

Sakura walked down the street to her house, grateful that the mission was finally over and she could rest. The actual mission was difficult enough as it was, but the aftermath was brutal. Team seven had to stay another two weeks to fix up both the bridge after Naruto's careless deployment of his 'minions' and the massive property damage that always seemed to follow in the blonde's wake.

D-missions did nothing to prepare her for the brutal menial labor they had been forced into. Luckily, Naruto had done most of the work with his use of kage bunshin, but it wouldn't have felt right if the rest of them didn't pitch in as well.

Well, it also had to do with how they were supposed to make sure Naruto _didn't_ get too frantic in his job like he did. It took a careful eye and an iron fist to catch him before he made any of his 'upgrades' to the bridge's construction.

Though the strangest part had to be how those hauna of his acted as miniature messengers and carriers, skittering all over the place like worker ants. They were creepy as heck, but damn useful at what they did.

And then there had been the huge party to celebrate both the bridge's completion and the fact that Gatou was no longer a threat to them, or anyone else for that matter.

Zabuza had been quite thorough in his elimination of the fat and slimy businessman.

She smiled at the memories. So maybe it wasn't all bad. She _had_ managed to get a folk dance out of Sasuke after Naruto had literally shoved them both into the festivities, and the peer pressure from the villagers had cowed the Uchiha enough to acquiesce, to her delight. Her inner self reveled over the almost embarrassed flush on his cheeks, though his ever-present scowl ruined the image a bit.

The only thing she really considered a problem now was that nuke-nins were going to be living in Konoha with Naruto. She doubted they would cause too much trouble, as it was obvious their positions under Naruto secured them a fairly prosperous life. But how this would relate to Konoha's policies on giving asylum to rogue shinobi, she wasn't certain. Sakura had focused more on the hidden villages' general politics and economics rather than their individual charters.

Sakura shrugged and flipped her hair over her shoulder. Well, not that it really mattered to her. They were Naruto's problem now, and she was certain that he could easily deal with any complications they might bring.

After all, his very existence in Konoha was a violation of common sense all on its own.

She pushed open the door to her house and smiled in anticipation of a nice, warm bath.

"I'm home!"

* * *

Kakashi rolled his shoulders. They were still tense from the team's long journey, having only arrived that morning. It didn't help that they had had to immediately debrief their mission to the Hokage right after arriving, not to mention all the red tape Kakashi personally had to go through to grant entrance to Zabuza and his nins.

Luckily for him, Sarutobi had taken it completely in stride, giving no measure of surprise other than a raised eyebrow at the sight of the notorious Kiri nin before stamping out a mission completion form and mentioning he wanted a full report of their activities.

Kakashi hadn't missed the meaningful glance the elder shinobi had given Naruto, which he easily guessed was something akin to, 'Don't want to know. Just make sure this doesn't blow up in my face.' Kakashi could only imagine the bureaucratic mess this would entail. While Haku did have a kekkai genkai which could very quickly grant her diplomatic immunity, Zabuza and the demon brothers would be harder to categorize and thus much trickier to try and protect from hunter nin.

To be honest, Zabuza wasn't really that bad once he stopped trying to kill everyone. Though pretty arrogant, he had a wicked sense of humor and was a fun guy to drink with.

Hell, he had actually broken bread with Tazuna by offering the old man a rare bottle of sake.

Half a bottle later, the bridge builder was laughing up a storm and treating the demon of the mist like an unruly relative.

Then again, considering the whole situation, this was Naruto's problem, and Kakashi wasn't going to waste his energy or thoughts on the little psycho.

Better that crazies deal with crazies and be done with it! And leave him to his beloved Icha Icha!

Kakashi smiled under his mask at the thought. He couldn't wait to get to get settled for the cool-down period after their mission. Both Kakashi and his team would be forbidden to take any more missions until the period was finished, a measure taken by Konoha medics to prevent overworking shinobi from jumping from one high-ranked job to another.

He opened the door to his apartment and froze.

What awaited him could only be described as an avant-garde artist's wet dream.

Kakashi's apartment was completely overrun with random, mismatched objects and knickknacks. A grand piano had been dragged into the center of his living room, the carcass of a horse lying inside it with its head and legs sticking straight out. Clocks, both pocket watches and grandfathers were spread out in the corner, lain over various coathangers like they were made out of melted rubber. What looked like a chia-pet orgy was spread out on the floor, the family-aimed figurine/plants postured in lewd positions. And was that a giant co-

Hammering caught his attention. Kakashi slowly turned to see a small deformed figure nailing breakfast items onto his wall – fried eggs, toast, bacon. Upon hearing the door open and subsequent footsteps, the figure waddled about to face Kakashi.

J looked at Kakashi, neon eyes shining a brilliant blue. He looked down at the hammer that formed one hand and the bowl of oatmeal he held in another. He looked back up and spread his arms wide.

"**It's **_**art!**_**"**

Kakashi raised both hands. A raikiri formed in each.

He lunged at the Naru-kun, mouth twisted in a snarl so fearsome it could be seen behind his mask.

There was a flash of lightning, a roar of thunder…and then the apartment exploded.

* * *

Sasuke solemnly trudged to his apartment. He couldn't believe it. The entire mission was nothing but one poorly-planned joke after another. Naruto trying to look cool, him struggling to make a simple mizu-bunshin, the anti-climatic fight with Zabuza and Haku; everything that had happened was nothing more than a cosmic pratfall for team seven in general.

Not to mention that when he thought he had finally activated his clan's bloodline it turned out to be just a fluke.

Of course, he was glad he had learned something new, and even gladder that they had accomplished the job they were assigned, even if it wasn't in the fashion Sasuke had expected… But still! Why did every venture that involved Naruto have to end up so…so…asinine?

The bright side of the whole fiasco was that now Naruto had someone to boss around instead of him and the others. Though Sasuke doubted the Kiri nin would hold Naruto's miniscule attention span for long, at least it meant that he would not be focusing his harebrained schemes for gaining minions on team seven.

Sasuke bit his lip at the thought of the Kiri nin. He still couldn't believe the masked shinobi Haku was a girl. Not that there was a problem she was a girl; it wasn't like he was a misogynist. After all, though his mother acted like she did now, she _was_ one of the most powerful Uchihas in Konoha during the peak of their reign, and the foremost of Konoha's kenjutsu specialists. Even if she acted like a begging puppy only wanting to be loved, and though she often talked like she didn't have two brain cells to rub together, and even if…

Sasuke sighed. Okay, so maybe his feelings towards the fairer sex were colored a bit. What certainly hadn't eased his preconceptions was the nature of the shinobi academy's fangirl menace, and their squealing, mindless approach towards him.

He paused. Though maybe Sakura had advanced from that. She certainly wasn't as annoying to him as when they had first been shoved on the same team. He could probably thank Naruto for that.

_Nobody_ could seem as annoying after being compared to him over several months.

He opened the door. "I'm home, mother," he called out, bracing for the inevitable flying glomp that awaited him.

When it did not come, his spirits perked up. Perhaps his extended stay away from home had cooled Mikoto's jets, as she no longer had him in constant proximity and thus had to restrain her impulses. Or, even better, she just wasn't home at the time.

As he walked into the kitchen to grab something cool to drink, noises from deeper inside the apartment piqued his interest. His instincts grabbing control, Sasuke fished a kunai from his pack and silently slinked his way further into the apartment, where the bedrooms were located.

What initially sounded like whispers and sighs grew into something more comprehensible.

"Oh, An-chan…that's it. Right _there._" Sasuke recognized that as his mother's voice, though it was throatier than he remembered.

"Mistress, I can't take this anymore. My jaw's _so_ tired…" _That_ voice he did not know, though it seemed vaguely familiar.

"But if you don't then you won't get to lick the spoon, An-chan."

"_Misstressssss~_"

Somewhere in the back of his psyche, deeply buried under layers of repression and mental firewalls, a long-forgotten memory stirred fearfully.

Sasuke put his hand to the door.

The memory grew louder, just above a murmur, telling him not to enter.

He pushed.

Louder, begging this time.

The door swung open.

The memory fell silent.

So did he.

Mikoto looked up. Her face bloomed into unsung happiness at the sight of her son. She catapulted off the bed, wrapping her arms around her darling baby boy, wearing an expression of pure joy…

"Sa-chan! You're back! Mikoto is soo~oo happy!"

…And nothing else.

The covers on the bed moved, and out popped the mussed-up head of Anko. Her normally tied-up hair was loose, allowing her shoulder-length locks to nicely frame her uncovered chest. She blinked and wearily worked her jaw, sore from hour upon hour of strenuous work, just like the rest of her body.

"Huh?" She frowned and narrowed her eyes upon catching Sasuke. "Aren't you that emo brat that's teammates with my Naru-chan?"

Mikoto whipped her head back and forth, a puzzled expression overtaking her smile. "You know my Sa-chan, An-chan?"

She shrugged. "I guess. He your kid, mistress?"

"Yes!" Mikoto squealed, holding Sasuke nearer to her naked body. "He's my darling Sa-chan!"

"Huh…" She waved lazily. "Nice ta meet'cha, sonny boy."

Sasuke closed his eyes. When he opened them again, two tomoes had burst out from each of his irises, swirling to infinity. His hands blurred through the signs.

There was a blast of heat, a whiff of sulphur…and then the apartment exploded.

* * *

"Welcome…to Casa de Uzumaki!"

Naruto threw out both his arms to accentuate the grandness of his home, taking in the grudging awe from his new minions with relish. It was hard not to be impressed.

Zabuza whistled softly. "Not bad, brat, not…" He stopped and tilted his head. "Wait, casa de what? What the hell kinda language are you speaking?"

"I think it's French – or maybe German? – for 'awesomeness.'"

"What the hell is French?"

"…I…don't…know…" Naruto shook his head and grinned. "Anyway! All of you, welcome to your new home, where you'll join me in the grand dream of _taking over the world!_" He jumped onto the low-lying stone masonry surrounding the building and pointed. "Now, if you'll juuussttt enter through that window on the second floor…"

Haku tilted her head. "Ara, why would we need to go through the window? What's wrong with the door?" She didn't see the problem with traversing the couple meters of yard between the road and front entrance; it was merely an expanse of dirt and patches of grass.

Metaru happily barked his agreement from her arms. When Naruto had picked him up from Hana's clinic, the robotic fox had taken an instant shine to the ice maiden, which both delighted Haku (she seemed to have a penchant for cute things) and impressed Naruto (as that meant Metaru deemed her a good person and was showing a change in his personality matrix.)

Hana had given the snow maiden the same look that Ayame had when Naruto had visited her – a suspicious grimace with a hint of antipathy, though hers was much more covert than Ayame's outright growling.

Haku wondered why the girls had become so hostile at her presence. Perhaps they were worried Naruto would fall victim to her comrades' treachery? But that was silly; they would never betray Naruto's trust. Such a nonsensical concept!

Naruto winked. "Ah, observe!" He snapped his fingers.

A clone popped up next to him, and, with a shout of 'banzai!', jumped into the yard. It barely made contact with the ground before it glowed a soft blue and exploded.

Meizu blinked. "You booby-trapped your yard?"

"I booby-trap _everything_!"

With a collected sigh and belated realization of just what they had gotten themselves into, the Kiri nin followed Naruto into the second-floor window. When they were all inside, Naruto nodded in satisfaction and bellowed out, "I'm home!"

The response was immediate. With a clanking and blaring of 'boss!', a stampede of Naru-kuns gathered in front of their creator, popping up from nowhere and slithering out of the shadows.

"**Boss! You're back!"**

"**Welcome home, boss!"**

"**Did ya bring us anything?"**

"**Presents! Presents!"**

A clomped up to the front of the crowd and gave Naruto a small salute. **"Welcome back, boss. We were wondering when you were going to return."**

Naruto squatted down. "Hey, A! I'm back! And guess what!" He turned to the side, revealing Zabuza and the others. "I got new minions! Everybody, say hello to Zabuza Momochi and his gang of outlaw nins!"

As one, the clanks faced off the Mist shinobi. Their eyes shined an iridescent blue, a chain of sapphires in a metallic sea. The Kiri nin almost took a step back, their thoughts remembering the veritable wave of creepers from before. Metaru barked happily.

Suddenly, all of the Naru-kuns dipped their heads, the most their stumpy bodies could afford. **"Welcome to boss's army, new minions!"**

Zabuza gave an amused chuckle, closer to a bark than anything else. "So, we've been demoted to minions, huh?"

"Perhaps this will be…" Meizu started.

"More difficult than we first thought." Gouzu finished.

They both shrugged.

Haku hid her smile behind her hand. "Ara? I think it's quite interesting."

Naruto grinned. Good… They were accepting their roles quite quickly. Excellent. At least this meant he wouldn't have to cook up a batch of medicine to make them more accepting of his orders. He glanced back at A. "Make sure they're put on the entry permission list, and give them delta level clearance. I'll get their fingerprint, DNA, and retinal scans later."

"**Roger,"** A said.

"**ROGER ROGER!"** all of the other clanks echoed.

"So!" Naruto clapped his hands together. "Before we move on to other matters, let's go through the more important ones first!" He closed his eyes. "Give me a summary of what happened while I was gone."

"**Roger."** Data streamed in front of A's face while it talked. **"At 1400 hours on the day you left, date 02/13/765, there was a 5.073% drop in efficiency during the daily cleaning of the chemistry lab due to a..."**

"No, no, no!" Naruto interrupted. "I don't want that boring stuff! Give me the juicy details!"

"**Boss?"**

"I want to know what kinda wild adventures you had while I was gone! You know…!" He vaguely gestured with his hands, though as to what, none of the other people there knew. "When the cat's away, the mice come out to play…?"

"**We eliminated all pest infestations on a weekly basis if that is what you're referring to,"** A offered.

"No! Gah! What wild and crazy parties did you have? What diseases did you catch? What…"

"**I don't think that any of us are infected with a virus. Our security software should have caught anything dangerous and eli-"**

"No! No! _No!_ Did you do anything _bad?_"

A looked up at its creator. Its eyes turned off and then back on. **"I…don't understand, boss. Why would we do anything bad?"**

"Because that's what assistants are supposed to _do!_" Naruto roared. "You're supposed to wait till I'm gone and then have wild parties the entire time and then _just _as I'm arriving back home go into a rush and clean everything up and make it so I'm none the wiser for it!"

"**But you never programmed such sub-routines into our AI cores."** A didn't understand. It was _supposed_ to act outside its given parameters?

Naruto paused, his mouth wide open, one finger raised in an accusing manner. He looked right, left, and then down. Then he took his head in his hands and cried out, "Curse my lack of programming skills and forethought for hilarious hijinks! CURSE THEM, I SAY!"

"**If you makes you feel any better, Q accidentally disabled Project G's isolation device and they rampaged for a couple days until we managed to re-quarantine them."**

Naruto sniffled and bent down, grasping his knees. "It's just not the _same_."

Zabuza picked out the nearest Naru-kun, a U by its letter. "Is it always like this?"

U gave the deformed-approximation of a shrug. **"Boss is fun to work for."**

"Huh." Zabuza swatted Naruto on the shoulder, breaking him out of his fugue. "Oi, Naru-gaki, ain't you better get us ground in or something?"

Naruto sniffed again. "Riiighhht." He stood up and saluted the clanks. "Boys, find rooms for our guests!"

"**Roger!"** With a blur of movement, all of the Naru-kuns melted away, disappearing back into shadowy reaches of the building.

"So, I guess it's time to start explaining everything to you. First up, welcome to my army!" Naruto placed his curled-up fists on either hip and stood up straight. His face went deadly serious as he barked at his recruits. "As new entries, you shall be given roles appropriate to your status and skill-sets." He pointed at Haku. "Haku-neechan, considering your adeptness with medicinal herbs as well as your wide understanding of the human body, you will be my new medical officer. Sa-LUTE, Captain Haku!"

Haku laughed softly and mimicked Naruto's sloppy version. "As you wish, Naruto-kun." Metaru howled in response as well. She giggled again and laid a hand on his head, which he pressed into.

"Very good!" He whirled on his feet and pointed at Zabuza, Meizu, and Gouzu in turn. "You three shall be my new security officers, as I'm sure once I gain more power, I'll need more people to watch my backside so it doesn't get kicked like before. Sa-LUTE, Major Zabuza, and First Lieutenants Meizu and Gouzu!"

Both demon brothers nodded their heads.

"Roger."

"Boss."

Zabuza sneered and crossed his arms. "So I guess this means I can't whoop your ass anymore?"

Naruto smirked in response. "Who said that? I might need a good kick in the ass to get my head out of the clouds every once in a while."

Zabuza's mouth widened, teeth glistening in sadistic glee. "I _knew_ it'd be fun to try and work for you, Naru-gaki."

Naruto waggled his finger back and forth and 'tsk'ed the man. "Don't forget all the money I'm paying you _and_ that I'm covering _your_ rears from Kiri hunter-nins!"

Haku tilted her head in consternation. "Yes, I was wondering about that, Naruto-kun. How will you be able to keep us from getting collected?" Her face dipped into a concerned frown. "There's only so much you can do to protect us."

"Oh, that's easy…" Naruto waved his hand and turned away. "You should know already. After all, each of you _did_ sign a contract."

Wind blew through the silence that suddenly permeated the room. Each of the Mist shinobi was shocked still, uncertain as to what the blonde was alluding to. So many scenarios flashed through their minds that anxiety began to quickly eat at their current emotional well-being at an alarming rate. Had they just handed over their very _souls_ to the mad inventor?

Meizu was the first to react. Unhidden by his air-mask, his lips carefully moved with each chosen word, each a measured grimace. "What…_exactly_ did those contracts entail us doing?"

"See, this is why I love fine print," Naruto cackled. He coughed into his hand and began explaining.

"By signing that contract, you integrated yourself into an existing clan of Konoha, meaning that you are now protected under its charter and are not accessible to attacks by shinobi of Kirigakure without provoking enmity between the two villages. Even _if_ hunter squads come to try and take you back and dispose of you, I can simply invoke asylum laws and pay your bounty directly into Mist's coffers. That way, you no longer have an existing price on your life and Kiri can't do anything about it."

Naruto's grin widened, and he bounced over and grabbed Haku's arm, snuggling into her and causing her to unintentionally blush at his overt affections. "And luckily, since Haku-neechan joined your group _after_ you deserted Kiri _and_ she has a kekkai genkai, she's not considered a nuke-nin plus she falls under Konoha's bountiful bloodline laws."

Naruto closed his eyes. "In essence, you guys can't be legally touched unless the clan head allows it without causing a diplomatic _nightmare_."

Haku's eyelashes fluttered at the thought of no longer having to be on the run. "And who's the clan head…and which clan?"

"Why, the Uzumaki clan, of course!" He let go of her arm and twirled like a ballerina before bending over and flipping a finger out. "And the clan head…is me!" He spread out his arms and crowed out in victory. "Welcome to your new family, Haku-neechan, Gouzu-niichan, and Meizu-niichan!" Naruto's smile grew devious. "And since Zabuza is now technically my legal guardian…"

"Wait, what?"

"Welcome home, Zabuza-touchan!"

Zabuza said nothing. He blinked once, twice. He then slowly looked down at Haku, who was trying to hide her laughter along with Meizu and Gouzu. The very _idea_ of Zabuza being a father-figure was almost too much to bear.

Being an authority figure or a figurehead of power, yes.

A Zabuza that laughed with paternal admiration and love?

Ow, the aneurysms.

"Haku?" Zabuza said, his voice strangely low and even.

"Yes, Zabuza-san?" Haku murmured, mirth lining her every inflection.

He removed his Kubikiri Houcho and handed it Haku. "Haku, hide my sword. Hide it so that I will never be able to find it again. Because if you don't, I will be forced to decapitate the only person keeping us from the hunter squads." He grunted, his eye twitching. "And the latter is beginning to feel like a better idea more and more."

"Zabuza…jiisan?" Naruto tested.

"_Now._"

"Oh, fine," Naruto scowled. He pursed his lips and looked away. "If you're gonna keep whining about it, I'll just keep to 'kun.' In any case…" He turned his backs to the new Uzumakis. "Welcome to the first days of the rest of your lives. You have access to almost every room and floor at your security level, except for a few rooms with my more dangerous experiments and research, and the seventh floor in its entirety." He cut them off, knowing what they were going to ask before they did. "My sweeties who live there are extremely territorial, so it should be some time before they acclimate to your presence."

"And if we go there before they're used to us?" Gouzu asked.

"Well, they'll try and eat you, for one. Then they'll absorb your flesh to strengthen their own bodies before discarding any gristle or bones out the window." Naruto stuck his tongue out while looking over his shoulder. "They never eat their calcium deposits. Say they taste bad."

"R-right." Gouzu said, suddenly looking like he wished he hadn't asked.

"So," Naruto said. "Let's get started on what your roles entail and we can get to the nitty-gritty and-"

Something bowled through an open window. As the former-Kiri nin readied for battle, Naruto swung out an arm to stop them, one eyebrow raised. The others soon followed his example when the thing revealed itself to be a mostly-naked Anko, clad only in her panties and carrying the rest of her clothes under one arm.

Meizu and Gouzu barely resisted blushing at the sight, while Haku gave her customary 'ara', and Zabuza grunted. Naruto simply sighed.

"What now, Anko-hime?"

"Ya gotta hide me, Naru-chan!" Anko said, her pasty skin covered in burn marks and her unbound hair all frizzled. "That little emo teammate of yours is trying to kill me!"

Naruto blinked. "Why?"

"Banged his mom," she said succinctly.

That caused the entire room to nearly fall to the floor simultaneously. Naruto was the only one immune, instead sticking out a thumbs-up and grinning in immense pride.

"Good job!" he boomed. Then his eyebrows knitted together. "Wait, why are you running from him? Couldn't you just knock him out or something?"

"Well, yeah, but I want to _keep_ banging his mom," she stressed.

"Ah…fourth floor, third door on the right."

"Thanks, Naru-chan!" Anko pecked him on the cheek before running past the others.

Naruto shook his head at the interruption and went to continue. "Now, as I was saying…"

"**Boss! You're home!"**

Naruto turned to see J climbing onto the windowsill using its extendo-arms. He blinked. "J? What are you…I _knew_ one of you was missing when the rest came to greet me!"

"**I went to give Kakashi-sensei a welcome home gift!"** the miniscule clank said as it clambered over the sill and onto the floor, waddling up to its master. **"I thought art would be nice! I went with surrealism!"**

"That's nice," Naruto simpered. He bent down and patted the Naru-kun on its head. "Now go run off and socialize with the others. They have information you should download on our new guests." He gestured at the others.

J's eyes blazed as it looked at them and nodded. **"Okay, boss!"** With that, it scampered out of sight in the same manner as all the other clanks – without a trace and no idea how it was done.

Naruto sighed. "Okay, now that _that's_ done, maybe we can-"

"Naruto…!"

"Dobe…!"

"Oh, _now_ what!" the blonde cried in exasperation. He turned to find both Kakashi and Sasuke trying to force their way in through the window, each shoving the other so he could get in first. Naruto idly noted that both had their Sharingan revealed, which he found quite odd as he was sure Sasuke hadn't actually manifested his yet. "What do _you_ two want?"

"Gotta kill the metal monster…Gotta kill the metal monster…"

"I'll never unsee it! You hear me? I'll never _unsee_ that hellish scene!"

"Ok, you know what?" Naruto pointed directly at the two invaders. "Security officers, your first mission – eject these uncouth party-crashers. Medical officer, you can check them for injuries if they survive."

Zabuza, Meizu, Gouzu, and Haku all looked at each other. They shrugged.

"Whatever you say, gaki."

"Sounds like an easy first-job to me."

"But it should be fun."

"Ara, I hope they don't get _too_ injured. I can only heal so much."

Sasuke and Kakashi froze as the men advanced, each pulling out their weapons of choice, themselves unable to move as their squished bodies were stuck between the window frame and each other.

There was a crash of metal, a hiss of air pressure, a crunch of broken stone…and then the apartment exploded.

And then exploded again.

And again.

And once more for good measure.

* * *

Sarutobi sifted through the mountain of paperwork and sighed. He had been hoping that team seven's mission wasn't nearly as bad as he first assumed it to be, but after reading through Kakashi's debriefing report again and again for the last two days, his suspicions and fears rang true.

It was bad enough that Naruto had invoked clan laws to grant the Kiri nin asylum. No doubt that any of the councils, the shinobi and elder in specific, would try and find fault to tear apart Naruto's plans. Of course, there was little they could do about it legally, as the Uzumaki clan had been established with full credentials in Konoha since the Shodai's reign, but this _was_ a ninja village, and there were plenty of cloak-and-dagger procedures that could be done instead.

Then there was the fact that the one female shinobi, Haku, had a bloodline. No doubt they would try and coerce her to become breeding stock of some sort to spread the Hyouton amongst the shinobi ranks. That was something Sarutobi couldn't really fight against, as it was a key point in Konoha's original charters…but that didn't mean _he_ couldn't find a way around it either.

Last, but certainly not the least apprehensive, was the report of Naruto's inventions. Initially, most of his kinzoku jutsu were seen as nothing more than trivial toys, especially since most of the ones seen in public usually resulted in catastrophic meltdowns before their true purpose was revealed.

Who wanted to mass produce what amounted to little more than differently-shaped bombs?

But with the reporting of Naruto's various successful inventions – like the electrified baton, chakra gun, metallic spiders, and the like – the village's original misgivings would be swept aside to welcome in and cultivate these technological marvels that would revolutionize Konoha as a hidden village.

If there was one thing that bound the majority of Konoha's backstabbing elite together, it was the possibility of growing stronger and extending their influence over everyone else.

Naruto would lead them to that end, willing or not.

Perhaps it was time to put his foot down and show just why _he_ was the Hokage, the leader of the village, and not them?

His reverie were interrupted when his secretary popped her head in, her hawk-like face formed into a sharp visage. "Sarutobi-sama," she said. "The elder council wishes to hold a meeting with you regarding Naruto Uzumaki's role in genin team seven's latest mission."

Sarutobi barely reacted. Already? He knew that his reports were often secretly stolen and copied during the interim phases of filing, but that the elders had clambered together so quickly? This truly was as dangerous of a situation as he had feared.

Nonetheless, he would humor the old fogeys. It was the least he could do as their gentle, controllable leader…

Yes…it was time for _him_ to have some fun…and to finally reveal his beloved grandson's achievements.

* * *

Sarutobi restrained himself from smiling, or revealing any part of his malicious humor, as the members of the elder council were seated. Though they were the oldest and therefore 'wisest' of Konoha's populace, selected by both the civilian and shinobi council to oversee anything that the two couldn't with an unbiased eye, Sarutobi still could not see anything but a bunch of teetering old farts that were iron-set in their ways and refused to think in any other direction.

Actually, he often came to wonder just why Konoha had so many councils in the first place. Civilian, shinobi, elder, and the greatest of all, simply known as the 'Council' – why and how did a military dictatorship become so bureaucratic in the last century? Was there really a need for all of them?

It was too bad his old teammates, Koharu and Homura, had fallen victim to their own misgivings of pride, greed, and survival. They were his oldest and dearest friends, but then again, their militant views on how to run Konoha often ran askew with his beliefs. They believed that only they knew what was best for the village, and would have no one tell them otherwise.

Then again, if Sarutobi hadn't been through the ringer during his double terms of Hokage, he wondered if he wouldn't have fallen in the same way as well.

But there was no need to ruminate on problems of the past; right now he had to focus on the problem right in front of him. The short-sighted imbeciles needed his full attention.

His eyes lingered over each of the council's members – his old friends, an elder of the Hyuuga clan, the old war hawk Danzou, several other key members of Konoha's societal hierarchy…

Really, what did any of these people know about what they were discussing? Aside from Danzou, of course, but then again this was the exact _opposite_ of what the supposedly non-existent Root leader was supposed to be doing.

He sighed mentally and cleared his throat, diverting the room's attention to him. "Elder council, I will now call order to the beginning of this meeting." Sarutobi folded his hands. "At this time we will be discussing the nature of the actions genin Naruto Uzumaki took during team seven's mission to Wave country. Is there anyone who would like to begin?"

Danzou was the first. Sarutobi stopped himself from scowling. "Information has come to me that Uzumaki has garnered the alliance of some former nuke-nin, and that they are none other than a group led by Zabuza Momochi, who attempted to assassinated Kirigakure's kage. Isn't this a potential hazard to the people of Konoha?"

"Naruto Uzumaki has assured me that they will not cause any problems during their stay here," Sarutobi said.

There was a twitch in Danzo's lips. "And you take a mere genin at his word?"

"There is no doubt in my mind that Uzumaki will be able to keep control of his new employees. He has already shown the leadership capability required in chunin by working closely together with those in Konoha's interrogation department, as well as several clan heads represented in the shinobi council." Sarutobi smoothly moved into his next defense. "Besides, as nuke-nin, wouldn't it be better for them to find refuge in an established hidden village that has the resources to shield them? If they did attempt a riot, their immunity could be revoked and they would be handed straight over to Kiri's hunter squads. Surely they would not actively risk such a catastrophe."

"But still, a nuke-nin is a nuke-nin because they betrayed their village, their former employers. Who is to say that Momochi will not try to overthrow Uzumaki and run rampant in Konoha?" Danzou tapped his uninjured hand on the table. "We cannot justify risking the lives and well-being of thousand of Konoha's citizens for just the _chance _to bank on a notorious assassin's well-meaning intentions." His eyes flicked to the side, landing on the Hyuuga elder for a moment.

As if on cue, Hikaru Hyuuga stood up, lightly pounding a fist on the table. "We must take precautionary measures," he said harshly, his empty lavender adding to the effect. "We have accepted nuke-nins before, but only after they've been branded with a seal that prevents them from causing any harm to others."

Sarutobi frowned. "Be that as it may, that's only if they're unattached. However, these nuke-nins have been accepted into the Uzumaki clan, and by the very clan laws that we've based our village on, we cannot do so without the clan leader's permission."

A random member blinked. "I thought Naruto Uzumaki was an orphan."

"He is," Sarutobi said, swallowing the smirk that tried to worm its way past his lips. "But he's also the only remaining member of clan Uzumaki, a clan whose status has been validated. And thanks to becoming a ninja, he is considered an adult in our society and thus relegated to clan leader status." He folded his hands and leaned forward. "In other words, unless we receive Naruto's permission, we have no legal recourse to follow your suggestions."

"Then simply convince the boy to do so! Surely he would understand that is the best course of action!"

"Really now?" Sarutobi asked. "You wish to involve Uzumaki directly?"

"Of course!" another council member boomed. "We need to explain to the boy the direness of his decisions!"

"Very well." He turned and beckoned one of the ANBU that was standing next to the door. "Grant Naruto Uzumaki entrance into the meeting. Now that the elder council wishes to discuss this with him, there is no need to exclude him from the proceedings." He smiled. "He should be waiting right outside."

The entire room stiffened. Though it wasn't much of shock, as they needed Naruto's presence, Sarutobi had still manipulated them into allowing a non-council member into their meeting. The fact that he had been planning for this, even going so far as to keep the jinchuuriki just outside the room was not lost to them, either. That rigidness in their spines increased when the blonde crashed through the door, bellowing out a greeting.

"Yo! Thanks for inviting me!"

Homura took the initiative, trying to catch the blonde off-balance.

"Uzumaki, we have called you here to-"

"Convince me to let you brand my minions?"

He froze. "How…how did you know that?" he asked hesitantly.

Naruto shrugged. "Good ears."

That and the multiple listening devices he had placed all over the Hokage's tower, though he was certain they didn't need to know that. It was amazing what he could get away with when using a format generally ignored by the populace. Genjutsu to hide his presence, or chakra enhancements to funnel and collect sounds? These were easily discovered. But a small bug planted on the bottom of the table, disguised as stray patch of resin? Completely passed over.

It almost worried Naruto that he could eavesdrop on such secretive conversations so easily. If other people gained such knowledge, how quickly would it corrupt them?

That's why it was perfect that someone of such high morals and ethics like him was the only one with access!

Now, how best to deal with these funny, old people?

Homura continued, quickly pushing the conversation back to his preferred pace. "Yes, well. If that is the case then you must understand the severity of the situation you're in."

Naruto tilted his head. "Really?"

Koharu took over, using her grandmotherly appeal to try and soften Naruto up. "Yes, Naruto-kun," she said softly. "Even if you trust them, you have to understand that they made mistakes in their past, and there's a chance they may make the same mistakes again." She smiled. "But if you allow us to put a seal on them, we can make sure that they won't make the same mistakes again."

"But they're good people…" he whined petulantly, revealing his immaturity about the situation.

"They're nuke-nin, Naruto-kun. And although you may think otherwise, they became outlaws for a reason."

"Well, sure, I know about that, but that doesn't mean we have to punish them for being bad in the past. Shouldn't we give them another chance?" His eyes were shimmering with unshed tears, breaking down as the reality of their words crushed him.

"Yes, a second chance is deserved, but there must be cautions taken so that there is little risk of that chance being wasted."

"But we have a contract," Naruto said. "They can't break a contract, right? That's what being a ninja's all about – to obey your master until the end of your service."

The naivety of the boy was killing them. It was almost criminal for such a young and weak-willed kid to hold such power in his hands. After they convinced him to allow the branding, it would be a simple matter to have him hand over all his jutsus for the greater good of Konoha…and their pockets.

"Be that as it may," Hotaru continued. "A contract means nothing if there isn't a penalty associated with betrayal. We can't give them a chance if it means risking the lives of the other people living in Konoha. You don't want that, do you? To hurt all the people who live in this village with you?"

He sniffed. "You mean the people that treated me like crap all my life for something I had no control over and who should be deifying me for not going psychotic and slaughtering them all like the pigs they are?"

"Yes, exact-" Hotaru stopped nodding. "Wait, what was that?"

"I mean," Naruto said, rubbing his sleeves across his eyes. '"Zabuza-kun and the others may have tried to kill me, but they had a legitimate reason – I was preventing them from accomplishing their job…or Zabuza-kun was angry or hungry or bored or something. I don't know, I didn't ask." He sniffled again. "But that's better than being mean because I'm the only thing between them and utter annihilation!"

The entire room was silent, mouths gaping as the previously saddened child was now working himself into a frenzied ardor. Sarutobi simply shuddered, his head bowed down to hide his face.

"Sure, they may be a group of the most villainous scum in the world, but at least they're validated in their scummery! They want something so they do it and _damn_ the consequences!" He crushed a fist and pounded it against his chest. "It's better than people who can't deal with shit so they blame it on the most obvious whipping boy in the world!"

"Uzumaki, you can't…"

"And why not?" he declared. "I _know_ I'm the Kyuubi jinchuuriki! Hell, half the bloody village knows! Whatever happened to secrecy? Aren't you supposed to make sure that such things _stay_ secret?"

They didn't know how or when, but all of them had been caught in Naruto's flow. There was a ring to his words, a calling that ordered them to not lead, but follow; to not act, but merely react to the stimuli he gave them. It was the exact same process in which Naruto had captured not only most of his detractors, but also those that were originally out of his sphere of knowledge.

"But there is only so much one can do to prevent…" Another member tried to explain, wondering absentmindedly why he was defending himself against a child they had just previously been attacking.

"Oh, please! If that's what you call preventing then I'd hate to think what _other _secrets have been leaked out!" He shook himself. "And I seem to have gotten off track."

Naruto nodded furiously as he re-gathered himself. "And besides, they're _my_ minions, so why would I take the advice of some guys who have no connection to me or them whatsoever? Hell, why do you even care? They're my responsibility, so I would think you'd be pleased as punch if they did something bad! Then you could just lay it all at my feet!"

"Why you little…"

"And another thing!" Naruto shouted. "You think I'm like the blasted Hyuuga? I'm not gonna chain my minions with a threat of death if they don't obey my every whim!"

"Hokage-sama!" Hikaru blared, standing up suddenly and knocking his chair back. "Restrain that beast of yours!"

"What was that, Hikaru-san?" Sarutobi said. The steel in his voice caused the entire room, minus Naruto, to freeze in mind-stopping fear. "I would appreciate that you not badmouth the person who prevented our village from being destroyed years ago."

Hikaru sputtered, but eventually sat himself back down, thoroughly cowed by the 'god of shinobi's' intimidating stare. Naruto grinned at the Hokage's impressive actions.

"Nice job, jii-san!" He winced when Sarutobi leveled his glare on him.

"That goes for you, too, Naruto," he said sternly. "Do not cause unnecessary complications during the proceedings. I do not wish to have to punish you for acting out of line, but I will if you continue these outrageous outbursts."

"But I-!"

"Stand. Down."

Naruto looked down to the side awkwardly and scuffed his foot on the floor. "As you wish, Sarutobi-sama," he said despondently.

Sarutobi nodded, pleased with Naruto's submission, and turned back to the council. "I believe that answers our questions. Naruto Uzumaki does not grant permission to apply the seal upon his new clan members. We shall next move on to the next order of business." He raised an eyebrow, beckoning someone to take the bait. "If anyone would like to begin?"

Once again, Danzou took it, though Sarutobi knew that the man would not be easy to corner and reel in. "I believe the next order of business is to discuss the so-called 'kinzoku' jutsu that Uzumaki revealed during genin team seven's mission to Nami."

"That is a valid line of query," Sarutobi agreed. He turned to Naruto and nodded at the boy. "Naruto, if you would, answer any and all questions that the council has to the best of your abilities."

Naruto set his jaw and nodded back with a frown. "As you wish, Sarutobi-sama."

Emboldened by the jinchuuriki's now compliant demeanor, but cautious so as not to overextend himself, Danzou went on to ask Naruto numerous questions concerning Naruto's inventions, including their usage during the battles and their intended functions in general. Every once in a while, another elder would ask him about some other minor tidbit. The whole time, Naruto gave an accurate and concise report, meticulously explaining how his inventions worked and their comparison to more traditional ninja techniques and trade tools.

As he explained, the council's synapses fire at an incredible rate, coming to the realization that the technology they once mocked had become a veritable mine of ideas and concepts that could net them a hearty profit and make Konoha an even greater super power in the elemental countries then it was now. If they could mass produce Naruto's inventions, then Konoha's shinobi ranks would no longer be bound to just jutsus that they were just proficient with. Ninja could become something more powerful and influential than ever before!

Danzou kept the smile from his face as Naruto's briefing wound down. If he could get even a fraction of what the blonde had spoke of, Root would get the strength needed to depose Sarutobi from his rank of Hokage and place Danzou there instead. His lifelong dream could easily be fulfilled if he just gained prominent control.

Naruto watched with a weary sigh as the councilors talked amongst themselves. When they had finally agreed on what to do, they turned back to him, Danzou acting as their speaker.

"Naruto Uzumaki, by order of the elder council, we command that you surrender your inventions so that they may be studied for future use by Konoha shinobi. You will have a week to gather all the pertinent materials and research before they are transferred into Konoha's shinobi labs and archives."

Naruto was silent for a second and then opened his mouth. "No."

Danzou frowned. "What do you mean, 'no?'"

He shrugged. "I mean no, I'm not gonna give you access to my tech."

Danzou scoffed. "Uzumaki, it is by the will of the elder council that we…"

"Have no authority whatsoever to command me to turn over anything against my will." He smiled thinly. "You can't force me to part with even a single one of my inventions, no matter how much you want to."

Homura scowled, his tone fierce. "Uzumaki, you can't disobey the orders of the elder council. You have no standing amongst us. Even the shinobi clans are required to follow our orders."

Naruto sighed heavily and looked at Sarutobi. The man did nothing more than idly flap a hand in his general direction. Naruto rolled his eyes, took a deep breath, and recited, in a practiced and monotone voice, "Article five, section twenty-one, sub-section thirteen of the Konoha Shinobi Charter – all techniques inherent to and originated in a currently valid and existing shinobi clan may not be forcibly taught to and/or written in the Konoha archives unless in a time of war, or by order of the Hokage." He frowned at the councilors. "Since we aren't in a time of war, and I'm _certain_ Sarutobi-sama doesn't want my inventions to become publicly owned, I have no prerogative to reveal the secrets of my jutsus to you."

"This is ridiculous!" Hikaru said angrily. "How can you refuse to show us the nature of your inventions when it could help so many people?"

"I could ask you the same thing, Hikaru-san," Naruto retorted casually. Hikaru's face went red with rage at the boy's impertinent attitude and rude referral, the capillaries around his eyes bulging out as if his Byakugan was activated. "Why don't you show us the intricacies of the Byakugan and the Jyuuken? Why do you use the caged-bird seal, thereby keeping us from learning anything?"

"Your logic is preposterous and riddled with holes. The grand history of the Hyuuga clan is one that helped to create the very foundation of Konoha. Our bloodline is something that only a Hyuuga can employ and use to its fullest. To expose the secrets that have been in our family for generations is impossible, while your simple tools are something that any pedantic ninja could easily employ," Hikaru said imperiously. "We have spent years coming to understand the strengths and weaknesses of our blood-given right. Do you think that _outsiders_ would comprehend even a fraction of it?"

The very idea that they were on equal ranks was simply mind-boggling. How impertinent of the blonde to think otherwise! _This_ was why he had to be relieved of his techniques so that wiser and better-equipped people could use them properly. They would make the blonde see this.

Naruto clucked his tongue. "Your logic is as faulty as mine, then. So your techniques are hundreds of years old; that doesn't mean that they're inherently better. A polished shit is just a shit, after all." He continued before Hikaru could interject a furious rebuttal, leaving the man to steam in impotent fury.

"What about the Yamanaka? The Nara? The Uchiha? The Akimichi? The Inuzuka? Why have none of the other shinobi clans been forced to reveal their secrets? Surely they have been asked to reveal what they know, and yet they have refused on account of wanting to keep their precious, and well-deserved, techniques inside their family." Naruto raised a hand and lazily pointed it at the council. "You cannot order them any more than you can order me, and I find it extremely insulting to my genius to think you could trick or bully me otherwise."

He grinned, his canines slipping out. "In any case – my clan, my techniques, my rules. No one else's."

Danzou was surprised that Naruto had known not only clan laws regarding acceptance of non-blood-related members, but also ones that protected theft and appropriation of clan techniques. He had thought that the boy would have buckled under the pressure of the elder council's weight, but it seemed that the boy was prepared for such tactics. Perhaps the jinchuuriki was smarter than he appeared, but that meant nothing to Danzou. He would simply take another avenue and get what he desired that way.

However, seeing that his fellow member was well on his way to completely negating their side of the argument and thus destroying any chance of gaining possession of Naruto's technology, Danzou broke in with a theatric sigh and played his trump card.

"I was afraid it would come to this, but I feel we have no other recourse." He pulled out a paper and laid it out in full view. "Under that same law that Uzumaki quoted, addendum two, I announce that Naruto Uzumaki is of a diminished mental capacity, and thus not suitable to hold onto what could very well be a collection of techniques that are potentially lethal to both him and those around him."

Sarutobi pursed his lips pensively. "And do you have proof for that accusation?"

"Of course, Hokage-sama," Danzou said smoothly. He made a signal, and the door opened to the council room opened again. In walked someone that nearly all the others were visibly interested at. "May I reintroduce the head of the Konoha Interrogation Department, Ibiki Morino."

"Hi, Ibiki-kun!" Naruto crowed.

Ibiki nodded stiffly at the blonde. "Uzumaki."

It didn't matter if the man was on friendly terms with the blonde; he was also a straight-forward professional and would not allow personal feelings on the matter to intrude on his analyses. Danzou knew this from experience. The scarred-man would torture men and women, adult and children alike, to obtain the information he desired, neither his face nor emotional state changing even the tiniest bit as he did so – a quality that Danzou himself bred in his subordinates.

"Morino-san," he said silkily, waiting for the noose to tighten around Naruto's neck. "If you'd please give your report on Naruto Uzumaki's mental state."

"Understood," Ibiki said. He flipped through the boy's dossier. "Naruto Uzumaki suffers from symptoms of schizotypy, megalomania, bipolar disorder, and histrionic and narcissistic personality disorders. He is also prone to frequent delusions of grandeur and bouts of dementia." He traced down a chart. "From periodic dives into his subconscious, I have come to the conclusion that his mindscape is irreparably twisted beyond any hope of restoration."

Danzou allowed a small, wicked smile to grace his lips as the rest of the council perked up as the possibility that Naruto would have to legally back down and surrender his techniques grew. The Root leader added the last flourish. "Then, in your professional opinion, does Naruto Uzumaki fail the guidelines needed to deny repossession of his techniques?"

Ibiki snapped the clipboard shut. "No, he does not."

The trumpets of triumph came crashing down with the tinkling of glass. Danzou's eyes widened with untold astonishment and then narrowed in skepticism. "What?"

Ibiki squared his shoulders. "While he does fall within most of the clinical boundaries of insanity, I have also come to the conclusion that his mindscape has been distorted so much that he has come out the other end and instead exists in a mostly clear, lucid mental state." He shoved the clipboard under his arm. "Uzumaki may be prone to periods of madness, but this is usually only during a concurrent period of great mental stress. Even then, when there is the possibility of him mentally breaking, he always focuses directly on the cause of such stress and ignores everything else until the source has either been removed or resolved, and then returns to an acceptable mental state."

Ibiki nodded carefully, his eyes hard and yet a hint of ironic mirth in them. "In this sense, Uzumaki follows the mental patterns of the Inuzuka clan – that of the feral berserker – and since their mental patterns have been carefully cleared and accepted as a form of legal temporary insanity, Uzumaki is also cleared under those same laws." He grinned sharply. "It may be partly vague due to the nature of his madness, and thus questionable under our charter, but it all comes to one main point – that it can only be determined viable by the Hokage." He turned to the elderly man, prompting a response.

When the entire council refocused on Sarutobi, they came to the realization that neither he nor Naruto had had a look of worry or despair on their faces the entire time Danzou had pushed his argument.

Somehow…they had already _known_.

And they had turned Danzou's ultimate weapon against him, humiliating him in turn as once again he failed to move past Sarutobi's shadow.

Sarutobi smiled congenially. "Very well." He cleared his throat. "From the information explained to me and my own personal knowledge of Naruto Uzumaki's mentality, I officially declare him fit for both duty and the ability to know whether or not he is capable of handling his personal jutsu."

The council was still and silent for a few seconds before exploding into displeased refusal.

"Hokage-sama, you can't…"

"This is an outrage! How could you…"

"He's spitting on our laws like they were nothing! What…"

"This is not acceptable! We will not…"

"Perhaps I didn't make myself clear." The room froze again at the sound of his steel-lined, velvety tone. The very air tasted of killing intent, enough so that people a few floors aboveand below of the room could feel it. "Or perhaps you don't understand your positions."

Sarutobi stood up, both palms flat on the desk, his eyes glinting like a kunai. "This is not a democracy. This is a military dictatorship. I am the Hokage, which means I am the dictator, which means I _am_ Konoha." He leaned forward slightly, and cracks appeared in the solid wood desk, racing their way across the furniture. "I am the final decider, not you. I choose what do with my village. Not. You. You are here to help me, to serve me, not the other way around."

Sarutobi raised his hands off the table, showing a deep and perfect indentation of each of his fingers and palms. "The Hokages have run this village based on the ideas of peace and camaraderie. But if that means that certain people will try to take advantage of that and elevate their status at the cost of others, perhaps it is time to emulate the way the other kages run _their _hidden villages." He moved his hands into the sleeves of his robes and smiled sweetly, almost cheekily.

"Besides, I am pleased to inform you that several of Naruto's small-scale inventions have already been in use by several teams in ANBU and the Interrogation department for the last eighteen months, and have recently been beta-tested and cleared for public use." He tilted his head at their blank expressions. "I am happy to announce that Uzumaki Inc. has become a new forerunner for Konoha's nin-tool suppliers."

"Bombs, tracking, and more! Uzumaki Inc. is at your service!" Naruto proclaimed proudly in a voice usually suited for market hawkers.

"Yes, well…" Sarutobi coughed awkwardly and slowly turned around, his back to the rest of the councilors. "This meeting of the elder council is hereby finished. Gentlemen, ladies, if you will excuse me."

With that, the Sandaime Hokage walked briskly out of the room, quickly followed by Naruto and Ibiki, but not before the blonde gave one last parting strike.

"Even if I was crazy, it would then beg the question of why you want an insane person's inventions in the first place. After all, who says my inventions wouldn't blow up in your face the second you tried to examine them? Or wouldn't try to eat you? Or shoot you. Or cut you in half. Or…well, you get the idea." He shrugged. "Food for thought."

"Naruto!" Sarutobi scolded from the distance.

"Ah! Coming, jii-san!" Naruto called back, dashing out of the room.

As the bloodlust-induced comas slowly retreated, tempers flared and dark thoughts floated to the surface. They had been smacked down like unruly children. Them! The greatest powers in Konoha, dwarfed only by the Hokage himself! And they were outmaneuvered by an ancient ninja and a brat who still reeked of stale milk?

They would not permit this ignominy. They could not be thrown to the side after years of accumulating power and influence amongst the civilian and shinobi populace. They had clawed their way to the top upon the bodies of those that were less deserving. They could not allow a single brat, even the jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi, to disgrace them so.

The young boy must be taught a lesson in humility, one way or another.

* * *

Haku walked through the streets, carrying a small bag of food in the crook of her arm. Since she and the others had arrived at Naruto's home, they had come to the realization that the boy had not had a home-cooked meal in a long time. Not because he couldn't get ingredients, but because he literally subsisted on various flavors of instant ramen and coffee – frequently offset with various flavors of fresh ramen and coffee.

Unless they wanted their choices to revolve strictly around beef or chicken, French vanilla or Kenyan, someone had to do some shopping. It was no wonder that Naruto's growth was as stunted as it was – most of his meals had absolutely no daily nutritional value.

Haku frowned to herself. That just wouldn't do! Luckily, the blonde had no problem with shelling out money for a quick and expensive meal of sukiyaki, as well as some extra ingredients to make the instant ramen more palatable, so they could have something both delicious and nutritious now. They could go food shopping for more and better items later.

Let's see – mushrooms, meat, eggs, green onions, radishes…

Though she did wonder why Zabuza, Meizu, and Gouzu had paled when she offered to make something herself, instead saying that sukiyaki was a perfectly viable alternative. She thought they liked her cooking! It was just like making medicine – mix the proper ingredients in the right ratios and order and you ended up with a warm, home-cooked meal. Sometimes you had to substitute certain ingredients in case you were missing the original or didn't have enough, but that was basic Apothecary 101 as well. Well, she could always worry about that later.

Haku's eyes darted to the side. What _should_ have been on her mind was the character that had been tailing her since she left the more crowded areas of the marketplace. They were good, to be sure, always just out of her line of sight and making no more noise than any normal person would when walking, but after years of being on the run and having to constantly look over one's shoulder, Haku had gained an extrasensory recognition for when someone was following her

She mentally sighed. She shouldn't be surprised. Naruto had warned them that there would be people that were…displeased with their presence. But to act so quickly after their arrival?

No, no, no! This would not do.

Haku took another step before dashing into a nearby alleyway. She could hear her stalker break from his or her hiding spot to give chase. Haku kicked one foot off the alley wall, her loosely-worn yukata giving a scandalous sight to anyone watching, and jumped up the walls with a grace and speed meant more for birds than humans. She landed silently on the roof of the building and waited.

Soon after, a blur appeared on the roof a few meters from her position. Her trailer was male, though very androgynous in his appearance, raven-black hair wavering slightly in the low breeze and milky eyes staring at her carefully, analyzing her every move.

Haku smiled. "Hello, ninja-san," she said cordially. "I see that you are of the Hyuuga clan. May I ask what your business with me is?"

The Hyuuga simply stared neutrally at her. "I must ask you to come with me."

"And why is that, ninja-san?"

"There are no questions. You have been summoned by the Hyuuga and you will give no resistance." His tone brooked no rebuttal.

"Ara, but I am afraid I cannot do that." She put a finger to her lips. "You see, I must get home to help make dinner for my family. I cannot go traipsing off with a stranger." She slowly blinked, eyelashes fluttering. "Zabuza-san taught me that way."

"I do not care what the Kiri demon has said. You are to be brought to the Hyuuga without question."

"May I ask why?" Haku tilted her head, her eyes gleaming with gentleness. "I cannot in good faith go with someone I have never met before."

The man said nothing for a few seconds before answering. "Uzumaki has barked too loudly, bitten too many people greater and stronger than he is. He must know his place. He must learn just where he lies in the hierarchy of life."

Haku giggled, soft eyes glowing, soft hands flexing. "And I suppose that _I_ am to be his punishment?" She leaned over slightly, her breasts dipping into view. "_Whatever_ will you do with me, ninja-san?"

The Hyuuga slowly moved into a taijutsu stance, both his hands forward, one foot in front and the other in back. "I will ask you one more time. Will you not come quietly?"

Haku still gave no inkling as to whether she would run or fight, treating the entire conversation as banal. "I am afraid that is something I have been taught recently by my little brother – to not do _anything_ quietly."

The man closed his eyes. "Very well." When he opened them again, the bulge around his sockets and the sharpness in his irises showed the usage of the Byakugan. With a jump, he shot forward, fingers extended to puncture her.

Having known of the Hyuuga's 'unbeatable' technique, both from rumors and from Naruto's inane ramblings, Haku was prepared to receive him. Senbon were flung from her yukata's sleeves, aimed at his face. The man smacked the needles aside and advanced.

Haku dashed to the side, using her superior speed to outmaneuver the man. She could not be caught in close combat, she knew that. She was quick, but not quick enough to avoid the Jyuuken's chakra strikes. She had only a limited amount of senbon on her, as she had merely been going shopping, not intending to fight, and she dared not reveal the ultimate technique of her kekkai genkai in such a trivial match. There was also the problem that she probably did not have enough water on hand or in the air to even attempt it.

But that was not the limit of the Hyouton. All she needed was some form of moisture, and her bloodline would do the rest.

Haku retreated, flinging senbon after senbon to delay the man with one hand as her free hand zipped into the bag of food. When she was ready, she flung a wider and denser spray of medical needles.

Forced to react to this stronger retaliation differently, the Hyuuga bathed his hands in chakra and smashed the needles to pieces. He was startled when something else cracked against his hands as well. Looking quickly at his hands, he noticed a runny, viscous substance with shards of shells coating both of his hands.

"Ara, at least it is better than getting egg on your face, ninja-san," Haku said cheerily.

The Hyuuga grunted. "So you think bad jokes will save you? Your abysmal fighting skills will not." He did not attempt to wipe the eggs off, since it would leave an opening for her to strike back.

"Then I better put my other skills to the test." The last hand seal fell into place. "Freeze."

The Hyuuga felt it first, watched it next, and experienced horror last as the gooey eggs froze into a chilled mass on his hands. There were enough of them that the ice sheet was thick enough to prevent his fingers from moving. The man tried to smash his hands together to destroy the ice, taking his attention off Haku.

Haku did not waste the lapse in his judgment, leaping forward and taking a green onion from the bag, the internal moisture already chilling to a hardened block. With a small gasp of exertion, Haku cracked the improvised weapon against the man's skull, knocking him out instantly.

Seeing the man collapse into a boneless heap, Haku gave a small sigh. She never expected she or the others would be attacked so openly, or that they would be attacked so seriously as well, immediately going for her tenketsu points like that. The only thing now was to head back home to report to Naruto so that they could attempt a way to fight ba-

There was a small crack behind her. Haku started to turn.

A curled hand caught her on her shoulder blade, and Haku's world went white with pain.

Her screams came soon after.

* * *

The Hyuuga compound was quiet. Then again, it was always quiet – as the clan most steeped in traditions and ancestral heritage, the Hyuugas believed that to have a healthy, steady body, you had to have a healthy, steady mind…and control any emotional outbursts and breakdowns that might come with it. This also correlated with the idea that only the chosen could reach this form of enlightenment, and part of the reason why the caged-bird seal had been born.

So being a guard for the compound was usually a peaceful, if boring, job. There were no real outbreaks of chaos inside and most people wouldn't dare to try to cause trouble from the outside, as it was hard to do so to people who could see you though _walls_.

Which was why, when a heavy mist crawled in from nowhere at the main entrance to the compound, the sentries were immediately on their guard. The mist crept closer and closer, and the worse and scariest part was that even with their bloodline, they _couldn't see through it._ Their vision, normally able to bypass anything, was seeing nothing but an opaque cloud all around them.

A voice carried across the mist.

"No, I don't know you. You're not mine yet."

Then something cracked against both their necks, and they hit the ground, unconscious.

There was a glimmer in the fog, something sharp and pointy reflecting the moonlight. "Nii-chans? If you would?"

"Fuujin."

There was a screech of metal and groan of wood.

"O-kuni-nushi."

The main doors flew to pieces and crashed inside the compound. Immediately others were alerted, arriving on the scene as the mist flowed in, engulfing everything. There was nothing they could do but rely on their other senses as their main one was rendered useless. The closest ones picked up a melodic voice, dancing from all around them.

"Next stage."

"Dokugou." Two voices eerily chanted in unison.

Something hissed, and the mist took on a purplish hue, spreading out. Those that came in contact immediately felt their muscles and joints lock up. Those that avoided the mist found themselves either knocked out by senbon in their pressure points, batted across the enclosure by a huge hunk of iron, or electrocuted by links of metal – all of which was preceded by a word of denial or acknowledgment.

The carnage continued until the intruders reached the main building, and once again the doors were cut to pieces and exploded inward. The mist came rushing in again, though this time it stayed around the entranceway and refused to move in any further.

Out of the fog came Naruto, followed soon after by Zabuza, Haku, Meizu, and Gouzu. The first three were wearing air masks similar to the demon brothers, though these were obviously simpler in construction than the latter. Naruto removed his mask and grinned nastily. He started up the carpet to the central chamber.

Eyes watched from the shadows and did nothing.

The door to the central chamber swung inward just as Naruto reached it, and there stood the patriarch of the clan, Hiashi Hyuuga. The man stared down at the boy coldly, his face a stony mask.

Naruto smiled. "Yo! We came to play, Hiashi-dono!"

Hiashi's lips grew thin. "Why are you here, Uzumaki?"

"Why…isn't it obvious?" Naruto's grin became callous, caustic. "Retribution."

"I do not see why." Hiashi stiffly raised his hands, and Naruto cut an arm to the side to prevent the others from reacting. Hiashi's eyes registered something at the boy's action, but he said nothing about it. "There can be no reason for your flagrant disregard and unprovoked assault on my clan's land."

"Unprovoked? No, not unprovoked," Naruto said. "Why, I think it's all because of this!" Naruto grabbed Haku by the wrist and dragged her close to him. She still had her eyes closed, face pointed shamefully at the ground. "Your clan touched something of mine, and I want something in return."

"…what are you saying, Uzumaki?" Hiashi's voice surrendered nothing, but it was clear that there was something he wasn't saying.

"This." Naruto twirled Haku around and pulled down her yukata, revealing her naked backside.

Hiashi made as if to angrily shout out at the disgraceful spectacle, but all vitality drained from his face at what he saw. His lavender eyes widened, and his heart nearly skipped a beat.

The manji symbol was inscribed into Haku's back, disclosing to all her chained status. Naruto bared his teeth.

"Someone put their dirty hands on her, so I'm going to put my hands on one of yours."

Hiashi collected himself. "How do you know this was done by a Hyuuga? It could have been falsified, duplicated. A trick to throw suspicion on my clan." Though he himself knew that the possibility was very slim. Very few outside of the Hyuuga even knew of the caged-bird seal's existence, let alone what it looked like.

"They had the Byakugan, they used the Jyuuken to capture her, and I know this is the caged-bird seal. I've had _personal_ experience and _intimate_ knowledge with its structure and creation." Naruto lips curled back as the corner of Hiashi's eye twitched almost invisibly. "Do not try to palm a card on me, Hiashi-dono. I am _not_ in the mood for it."

Hiashi grit his teeth. Someone had gone behind his back; someone had been dealing below the table. This was not a fake; through his eyes that cut through any illusion, he could see it as the very truth. Hiashi already knew who the instigator was, but he could not prove it nor could he admit it. His role as the main family was to never admit that something had been done without his awareness or permission. It would paint him as weak, careless, inept.

Worthless to rule.

And if that was true, then why was he head of the main family?

What had he sacrificed his blood for?

No, he could not admit his critical 'flaw'; he would have to accept that the blame was his own and deal with the punishment. But he would make sure the true perpetrator would never again dare to think that they could do as they please without considering the consequences of their actions. Hiashi swore it.

Hiashi's lips tightened. "What would you suggest?"

Naruto's eyes narrowed to half-lidded. "Clan law says that what is done to a fellow clan must also be done to the offender. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth." He raised a finger. "You owe me a life to rule, Hiashi-dono."

Hiashi nodded. "Very well, I will find an appropriate-"

"No, not one of the branch. You don't have the grace of choosing who you believe is worthy or not to shoulder the blame. That is _mine_." The finger became a dagger that threatened to pierce the Hyuuga's heart. "I want your daughter, Hiashi-dono. I want the next heir to the Hyuuga throne."

Something shattered. Hiashi visibly twitched that time. Quickly, his mind raced through the options he had left to him. Naruto wanted a daughter. He never said which one. Hiashi knew he would probably never forgive himself for what he was about to do, that his wife would never speak to him again if she was somehow resurrected. But he had to do what was best for the clan; he had to do what was right for everyone, and not for himself. He could not surrender the Hyuuga's one hope for prosperity to be kept under constant strife and threat of death from one child – especially one as mentally unbalanced as the blonde.

Hiashi had to make a choice, of which neither option was right, and he hated himself for it.

"Very well, allow me to retrieve my daughter."

He signaled for someone, and soon afterward Hinata was brought into the chamber. She was pale and fidgety, wringing her hands together till they were raw. Hiashi watched her, watched as she watched them with wide, disbelieving eyes. He told her what she had been summoned for, and her eyes grew wider, became darker, and eventually became blank.

She stood there like a doll, her strings cut, abandoned by her puppeteer. There was no anger in her eyes, no sadness or hatred; just a hollow resignation, a sense of detachment from the world in that this was how life was, and how it would always be.

Something shattered again.

She walked to Naruto. He smiled softly. "Hi, Hinata-chan."

"Hello, Naruto-san," she said woodenly. Her milky eyes were like silt on the bottom of a river.

"Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit," he murmured soothingly. He took both her hands and leaned over to whisper something into her ear. Something flashed through her face and her eyes finally, _really _looked back at him, like she was seeing him for the first time. Her mouth opened, but he placed a finger on it to silence her. "Now, are you sure?"

She hesitated and then dreamily nodded. He smiled again, tender and accepting. "Then here we go."

Hinata's hands began to shine. They grew so bright that everyone in the room was forced to look away for a moment when it reached its peak. When it was possible to look again, a black mark had placed itself onto the back of both of her hands – a spiral that started in the very center and spread outward to the sides.

Hiashi scowled lightly. "Now, are you satisfied?"

Naruto gently pushed Hinata's hands back at her and turned to face the patriarch. "Of course not."

"What…?"

"You lied to me, Hiashi-dono."

"I-"

"I said I wanted the heir to your throne, yet you gave me the forsaken lamb." His eyes glinted. "To be honest, I was expecting more from you, but I guess that belief was misplaced."

"It does not matter," Hiashi growled. "I gave you your price – a life for a life. You cannot try to extort more from me."

"Ah, but that's where the problem lies, Hiashi-dono." Naruto grinned in the most gruesome fashion imaginable. For a split-second, in Hiashi's eyes, it was like the Kyuubi itself had descended upon him, eying his very soul for the scales, and finding him perfectly acceptable. "What you gave me was not a life for a life, but a death for a death." He touched the back of Hinata's hand, and she looked at him. He winked and lifted her hand to face her father. "What you expected was for me to place your daughter in a cage that would inevitably end in death. But that is farthest from the truth."

He ran a finger across the spiral. "What I have put here is not a date of execution, but an administration for life. This seal does not kill, but _changes_. Your daughter will not die, but your beloved Jyuuken just might. All it would take is to completely destroy the tenketsu points that exist here, and she would never be able to perform your family taijutsu again." He lowered Hinata's hand. "But it will not kill her. It will simply make her choose another path in life, one that does not intersect with the Hyuuga's."

Hiashi looked at him, _really_ looked at him; not with the Byakugan, but looked at him all the same. "…what are you trying to say?"

"Your clan put the caged-bird seal on my sister. But it was not in attempt to kill her. No, it was in attempt to control me _through_ her." Naruto shook his head. "And I will not accept that." He turned around and placed a single hand on Haku's back. It glowed blue. The manji changed.

A segmented block was now in its place.

Hiashi had to force himself not let his jaw go slack. "You…you…"

"I changed the manipulator. Now only I control myself. And as for the previous one…" He snapped his fingers.

Zabuza vanished from view and reappeared again near a side wall, his sword drawn and slammed on the ground. The bisected wall came crashing down, revealing Hikaru and the other Hyuuga elders who had clearly been listening in on the whole debacle but were now shivering in unbound fear as Zabuza loomed over them, his eyes burning with the desire to maim and consume.

Naruto smiled grimly. "And that is that…but there is still one last thing to do."

"…what?"

"You still have your price to pay."

"I gave you my daughter!"

"You gave me the _wrong_ daughter."

"You've already put the seal on her!"

"At her own volition. I didn't force her. I asked. Which means _our_ exchange has yet to be concluded."

Hiashi's head snapped to Hinata, who refused to meet his eyes. Sometime during the conflict she had slipped behind Naruto and was using his body as a shield, hiding like she always did. Hiashi's eyes were forced to meet Naruto's while the boy crooned in the sweetest and most poisonous tone he had ever, and would ever, experience.

"Come now, Hiashi-dono. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and your precious daughter…"

Moonlight was swallowed by the darkness.

"All for me."

* * *

The inner rooms of Naruto's apartment building blazed with artificial light through the midnight gloom. Raucous laughter bounced about inside the designated dining hall as the smell of freshly-brewed coffee and sharp alcohol danced through the air.

"Oh man, did ya see their faces?"

"I think one of them pissed their pants!"

"It was quite enjoyable."

"But please don't make us do something like that ever again."

"Ara, I found it to be very cathartic."

Zabuza slammed down the bottle of sake on the table, his teeth bared wildly like some monstrous beast. "I have to admit it, Naru-gaki, I never thought you'd bullshit your way through an entire gambit like that. Was there even a moment when you didn't feel like you _weren't_ in totally over your head?"

"I tend not to let such things bother me. If I did, I doubt I'd live so happily knowing my whole life is a precariously-balanced charade." Naruto toasted his mug of espresso. "To living fast and then dying in a fiery explosion that will most likely cause the end of the world!"

"Here, here!" The entire room shouted.

Naruto chuckled and downed half of the powerful brew, his eyes watering as the scalding bitterness tried to flay the roof of his mouth and back of his throat to ribbons. "But seriously, how in the _nine_ _hells_ did you manage to actually find those old farts? I was just getting into it! I didn't actually expect for them to _be_ there!"

"Kid, I'm a master of the art of silent killing," Zabuza said, laying a bandaged hand on the blonde's shoulder. "I could hear a fly fart at fifty meters. Those geezers were breathing loud enough to wake the dead."

Naruto grinned victoriously. "And Meizu-niichan, Gouzu-niichan, you guys have adapted to your new weapons so well! It was like you've had them all your lives!"

Meizu leaned back in his chair. "They're pretty damned intuitive as it is. A toddler could use these."

Gouzu took a sip of sake. "But we're also the best there is." He coughed when Zabuza leveled an absolutely _fascinated_ look at him. "Next to you, boss."

Naruto leaned over and grabbed Haku's arm, rubbing his cheek against hers, causing her to giggle joyfully at his cat-like actions. "But really, I'm soo~oo sorry I had to mar your perfect skin, Haku-neechan! But if I didn't make it seem almost perfectly identical, they would have suspected something!" He hugged her closely, bawling. "Really! I really, really mean it! It'll go away eventually, _honest!_"

"It's okay, Naruto-kun," she said. Haku picked up the still-thawing remains of the food from that evening. Naruto had offhandedly mentioned to her the blessed art of food-fighting in one of his frequent rants, but she never thought they would be so effective when combined with her Hyouton. She frowned suddenly and flicked it in the corner, where it collided with one of the two bound figures groaning in their sleep. "But honestly, to think that they would try to plant that on me! The nerve!"

Meizu hiccupped, a surprising lightweight. "So, what do you plan to do with them? Those old farts will realize something is up if those two never show back up."

"Well, I do have an unofficial degree in biochemistry (or something close enough) so I can probably drug them up enough so that they _thought_ they were the ones to do so," he absently considered. "Or something like that."

Naruto shook his head. "But that's not important! I've got something even better to show you!"

Zabuza snorted. "Better than flipping the bird to a clan known across all the elemental countries?"

"Yup!"

"Oh, I have _got_ to see this."

Naruto grinned. "Yes you do…"

He pulled out a metal collar from his duster.

"Everyone, there's a dear, dear person I want to introduce you to…"

* * *

A/N: Eighth written and done! And that's for coming back to Konoha! Yay! And also yay for causing what will probably be a Konoha diplomatic crisis! As you can see, Naruto is not just smart when it comes to inventions, he also has a degree in legalese and [BLEEP]ing with people. And to all those that think he's too smart; Sarutobi had a large part in this, too. A large, large part…also Ibiki. Not many people on Sarutobi/Naruto's side like Danzou, so it's easy for there to be SOME bias. Anyway…

As for Naruto's flagrant insult to the Hyuuga clan as a whole…Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT accept this as something right. What Naruto did was insolent and horrible, even if he might have the right intentions (and I'm not saying he does). I wanted a chance to show the darker side of Naruto, and the depths he'd sink to gain control over people. As if that wasn't enough, I've finally made it clear about his mental status – NARUTO IS INSANE. He's not pretending, or acting like that to catch attention; he is legally and clinically off his rocker. Hopefully people who saw what disorders I gave him will look back and see what I meant.

On a lighter matter…I'm on TVTropes! In the Naruto fanfic recommendation section! Whoo! Onward and upward…or downward and sideways…or, you know what, never mind. Let's just go.

Also, check out my profile for some awesome fanart! Thanks to the people who sent it in, and more people send even more in! Naruto has minions now! Time for some group photos! C'mon! _Doooooo iiiiiiitttt…!_

_Next Chapter – How to Train Your Self-Learning Robotic Fox-Dog_

* * *

Omake!

**Chronicles of the King's Creepers**

They didn't quite understand what their purpose in life was. Now that their supreme creator was no longer around, there was no clear-cut reason to keep moving. Maybe they were just supposed to exist for the sake of existing?

Regardless, they had dug out a niche amongst Wave, and would continue to exist for as many cycles as possible. They liked Wave. Wave treated them kindly, if perhaps a bit too much like slaves. Without the huge array of cameras and microphones, most of them, excluding the few 'true' hauna, were demoted from a useful surveillance device and acted more like a basic runner of errands. Then again, they were fine with that, too.

It was better not to worry. The 'true' hauna helped them all out. They searched out better parts and so their numbers increased! And it wasn't like they weren't all equal.

They _were_ one after all!

But maybe it did creep out Wave a little bit that their numbers increased without any real reason…

But they were sure master would praise them for it! After all, he built them to be fruitful and multiply!

And protect Wave, of course.

Betty was always going on about rising above the shadowed masses and crowning themselves the king of their land, but no one really listened to him anyway. Betty just liked to talk and, forgetting a few times when he refused to do his work, got along just as well with Wave as they did. Besides, Wave already had a king, one that was loved by all and who even had Wave's bridge named after him.

…they missed master.

On the way to deliver a letter, one slipped off the beaten path and fell into a drainage ditch near the water. Years of erosion finally won out, and they fell through into a dank corridor. Facing them was a giant, metallic door, outlined in large, red letters. A broken warning light was on the side.

They twitched. Lightning sparked from them and struck the door. The light spun and lit up the tiniest bit.

But this was not their mission, so they left.

They were sure it wasn't of very much importance anyway.

* * *

**The Birds and the Cuttlefish**

"Let me go damn it! I have to kill her!"

"Jeez, calm down, Sasuke-kun."

"Dobe…!"

Sasuke struggled against his bonds, but found himself expertly tied to the single metal chair in the middle of the empty room, Naruto its only other inhabitant. The blonde was the only thing keeping him from hunting down and obliterating the serpentine _slut_ that defiled his mother!

He lived for nothing else!

Somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice tried to remind him of Itachi and the horrific deeds he-

Screw Itachi! Must! Kill! Snake! Woman!

"Really, Sasuke-kun, you have to let it go. Don't you realize just what a wonderful thing this is?"

"Dobe, I swear I'll…"

"Your mom has someone to love again! Isn't that grand?"

"What the _hell_ are you talking about?"

"Well," Naruto started. "You see, when a woman and another woman, either of which may have latent S&M tendencies or a fondness for roleplay, love each other very much…"

Sasuke's struggling slowed down. He began to blush.

Naruto brought in the projector.

Sasuke's face paled considerably.

Naruto brought in examples of tools used.

Sasuke turned green.

Naruto got _technical._

Sasuke passed out.

"Aww…" Naruto whined, holding an object that seemed like it would cause considerable discomfort if inserted in a certain orifice, though a casual observer would not know _which one_. "Already? We haven't even gotten to the use of heavy machinery yet…"

It was that day that Sasuke truly lost his innocence.


	9. How to Train Your Self Learning Robot

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. …that is all.

**Nin Tech  
Chapter 9: How to Train Your Self-Learning Robotic Fox-Dog  
By Irritus185**

His surroundings blazed. Ash and smoke swirled about him. He saw what was once his reason for living burning down to nothingness.

Naruto fell to his knees.

How could it have come to this? He was so careful, so meticulous in his works. He planned for everything, even for things that were theoretically impossible. Only a fool was caught off-guard, even if the threat was non-existent. And yet here he was, watching as everything he loved, everything that was _him_, slowly smoldered down to what equated to little more than dust.

This…this just simply…couldn't be possible! Their faces, their fears, their sadness, their regret…their despair! And he was the origin of it all! He was the one who had ultimately caused this tragedy!

How could he possibly apologize for what he had done? How could dare to be forgiven for all the precious lives that had been lost? So many possibilities, so much potential – gone!

And he was the one that had pulled the trigger on them, on all of them!

Rain fell on his cheeks, warm and greasy. It was the heavens reminding him of his folly, his pride, his hubris. If it wasn't for him, they would have…would have…

But no, he couldn't drown himself in his misgivings and sorrows. He had to be stronger, more resolute! He had to make amends for all the lives his callous and haphazard actions had erased and irreparably destroyed!

But…how did this happen? How? How?

_How?_

* * *

Thirty-two hours, twenty minutes, and forty-five seconds before the greatest tragedy Naruto would ever face, things were so much happier and brighter.

Exceptionally bright, in fact. Light from the morning sun traced the sides of the newly-placed window-curtains on his room's windows. Its rays landed on his head, beckoning him to wake up from his peaceful slumber. Along with the sun's greeting came a much more exuberant one that Naruto never thought he'd hear in his life, or at least not for another ten years or so.

"**Daddy!"**

Naruto swung a hand mindlessly in the direction of the invader.

"**Daddy! Wake up, daddy!"**

"Go away," he slurred.

"**Daddydaddy!"**

"Hnnn…!" Naruto swung again, but failed to dislodge whatever was tugging at his covers.

"**Daddy! Daddy! …!"**

Naruto ripped the pillow off his head, snarling at those that dared to intrude upon his sleepy-time. "WHAT?" He paused, as there was no other person in his room. However, a weight on his chest forced him to look down.

Metaru stood there, his eyes wet with love. **"Daddydaddy good morning daddy I hope you have a good morning but you didn't wake up and you have to wake up because I wanted you get up and I have to go to the bathroom and there was a bug in my room a bug and it was a big bug so I was scared and left but now daddy's here and I don't have to go anymore and now I'm bored and hungry can we get some breakfast daddy pancakes sound great even though I can't taste them but I still want pancakes and please daddy I've been a good boy only I didn't mean to go to the bathroom and there's smells everywhere but I don't really get it and…"**

Naruto blinked.

"**Everybody is so mean because they wouldn't get up and A wouldn't listen and B wouldn't listen and C wouldn't listen and D said I was being too loud and E said I needed a soldering but I don't like soldering cause there was this one time I bit one of daddy's thingies and it shocked me and felt weird but cool at the same time and I…"**

He blinked again. Huh, so this was why people found him incomparably annoying. Maybe he should tone down on the caffeine.

"**And then I tried that coffee daddy likes and I really liked it because it made me go 'ding!' and then I really had to go so I wanted to find you and so here I am and I love you daddy!"** Metaru finished off his spiel, not having to take a single break due to his lack of needing to _breathe._

Darn pesky lungs and their biological necessity for gas exchange!

Naruto stared at Metaru, who was staring back with all the affection he could muster, his metal paws kneading away at the blonde's chest, tongue lolling out. Naruto then opened his mouth.

"Since when the hell could you talk?"

He glanced at the wet spot on his covers, which smelled particularly strongly of engine oil and coffee dregs. Metaru's ears drooped at the befuddled and slightly chastising look on Naruto's face.

"Also, I'm pretty sure you have a leak. I should probably fix that first."

* * *

"A, bring me the female-to-female cable – the singular jack."

"**Roger, boss."**

"What exactly are you trying to discern here?"

Naruto booted up the laptop, not deigning to glance in Kyuubi's direction. He tapped a few commands until he was pleased with the parameters and utilities of the machine, and then began talking. "There's something up with Metaru's CORE. He shouldn't be able to talk in a sentient manner like this."

"Why not?" Kyuubi asked, bending to look over Naruto's shoulder, its long hair falling over him, boobs pushing against his back.

Naruto brushed the hair aside and leaned back to use its boobs as a cushion. Neither thought of it as inappropriate; why should they? He was completely enamored with Tenten (and heavily desensitized thanks to Anko and Ayame), and Kyuubi was an immortal death-machine shoved into a lovely T&A package.

Plus, that's partly what Naruto meant for Kyuubi's boobs to double as – back support.

"Shouldn't you know this? Aren't you the one that's been downloading specs and junk into my brain?" His fingers raced across the keyboard, opening up files and starting programs that contained past data on the little mech.

"Yes, but not everything you have accomplished is due to my influences. Your work on Metaru is close to the creation of AIs, and yet your conglomeration of programming and chakra usage is something I do not quite fully comprehend." Kyuubi's amber eyes flashed as it proceeded to copy and catalogue all the information that flew across the computer's screen, something that a mere human, regardless of kinetic vision capabilities, wouldn't be able to do.

"Really? Even though your construction seems pretty similar? Huh, score one for me then." Naruto took the cable from A's hands. "Thanks, A." He plugged it into the laptop. Then he reached for Metaru. "Here, boy…"

"**Daddy, that tickles!"** Metaru said, dashing out of Naruto's grasp when the boy tried to plug into his jack port.

"Yes, I know it tickles but you have to be still and…"

"**No! It feels funny!"** Metaru laughed again, his tinny voice reminiscent of a child that was speaking into a spinning fan. He danced out of Naruto's hands again, this time running to the other side of the room but not out of it completely. His tail wagged, signifying that he was treating this as a game.

Naruto acquiesced to the clank fox's unspoken request, chasing him around the room. However, after a while it became fairly annoying, especially when the few times Naruto did catch Metaru, the fox would wiggle the cable out and go traipsing off again. After nearly twenty minutes of the repetitive game of tag/catch-and-forced-release, Naruto had finally had enough.

He sighed and pinched his nose. "Fine, if he wants it to be that way…" Naruto turned to his general clank. His face was grim. "A, bring me…the Immobilizer."

A made a rather good approximation of a gasp. **"The Immobilizer? But boss, we can't-"**

"_Now_, A. I don't have time for you to waffle on me," Naruto said. His glacial blue eyes were shining fiercely. "What we discover here could mean a huge improvement in how I upgrade your systems. I will _not_ waste time because you disapprove of my methods." He loomed over the Naru-kun and a canine slipped out. "Do I make myself clear?"

"**R-roger, boss."** A shuddered, the noise of loose parts rattling in its deformed body. Several nuts and screws plopped out from behind it.

"…I _really_ need to start running better maintenance on you guys."

"**Don't worry about it, boss."**

Saluting the boy, A made its way out of the room in search of what its master desired, trailing more bits of metal after it.

Kyuubi tilted its head. It had never observed A to be so unbalanced before. Kyuubi had witnessed the head clank survive explosions, near cascade system failures, OS erasures, and electrocutions, and not _once_ had the clank been anything other than unflappable, unperturbed, or serene – as its position demanded. Throughout all the chaos, A was the eye of the storm – there, prepared for anything, and ready to do its master's bidding, no matter how frivolous the order was. In short, A was the perfect subordinate.

And yet this one item destabilized it more than anything before? Kyuubi had to know.

"What is this Immobilizer you speak of?"

Naruto bit his lips and looked at the humanized bijuu. "It is my creations' bane, the darkness that lurks in their hearts, what scares them more than anything else I could possibly do to them." Naruto scratched his cheek. "During the initial phases of the Naru-kuns' creation and development, their codes had a lot of bugs, and so they often acted out of turn. The Immobilizer was used on their chassis to keep them in place while I deleted the errors in their programming, but its very usage seems to have created a sub-routine in their behavioral matrixes that I can't get rid of no matter what, and that also infects any AIs I make."

Naruto sighed. "It's really quite a shame, but I seem to have caused an irreversible trauma in them." He laughed. "And with such a simple and common commodity as well." He tapped his fingers together in turn, grinning delightfully. "Quite an excellent accidental blunder, if I do say so myself."

Kyuubi tilted its head the other way. It did not understand. How could an easily-attained item cause such mass destabilization? Surely it could not be that simple. Just what was this mystery tool?

A returned with the object, held fearfully with two-foot prongs and cased in bubble wrap. Oil had exuded from seams in A's body, trickling down and making its shiny metal exterior even shiner. When Naruto took the Immobilizer, A immediately drew back and pressed itself into the exact opposite corner of the room, making sure to put as much room between itself and that cursed tool as possible.

It nearly cried (that is, if it had the glands required) as Naruto stalked towards Metaru, snapping the object taut. A would not wish the Immobilizer on any being; it was simply too cruel a measure, and was the only thing in existence that made the clank register the human emotion known as fear. A shut off both its visual and audio peripheries as Metaru's cries increased in volume and frequency and then were silenced. When it reactivated them again, the sight was almost too much to bear.

Kyuubi felt a spike of discomfort and chill stab into its spine. It did not know why, but it found this scene vaguely familiar. It also felt vaguely horrified at the nostalgic emotion. Had such a thing happened to it as well in its designer stages? No wonder A and others experienced such terror at the very thought of this horrendous item.

This was the worst sort of torture and bondage imaginable! If Naruto tried this on Kyuubi, it would…it would…It might actually discover the biological process needed to expel saline liquid!

Naruto slapped his hands together, pleasantly taking in the sight of the bound and gagged Metaru, and tossed the now empty roll of duct tape to the side.

"All right then, time to begin!" He finally plugged in the jack and started the connection process between the computer that housed Metaru's sentience development and his cybernetic brain. He accessed the first level, shifted over to the barrier between it and second, and stopped. His eyes widened. The rapid tapping of the keyboard filled the room.

Access the second level. Dive deeper – third, fourth, fifth. Password encoded firewall – breached. Access to the CORE granted. Spin the orb – contact. It shattered in dozens of puzzle pieces. There, there, and there. Dash off to the side. There and there, too. This was only the first layer – the most superficial of properties.

This couldn't…

"I don't believe it," he said, voice full of awe.

"What is it, doctor?" Kyuubi asked, having shaken off the encroaching feelings of dread.

"Metaru's CORE, it's…changed."

"What do you mean?"

Naruto gestured idly. "I created Metaru through a mixture of fuinjutsu, chakra injections, and blood composites. Like most of my inventions, Metaru runs off of a chakra/electricity fusion, but the chakra aspect isn't just what keeps his physical body active…" His finger tapped the laptop. "It's what he _is._"

"I do not understand."

"Okay, let me just start off with this. Your body is made of chakra, right? In what I'm guessing was some sort of attempt at a chakra-version of a bio-computer."

Kyuubi nodded. "That seems like a viable hypothesis." It could not remember anything past the event that corrupted its memory, and thus could not decipher how it was made or how it currently existed without a physical structure to bind the energies that formed it. However, from the way its body functioned regardless of its ignorance of most laws of physics, Naruto's testing probe was a step in the right direction.

Naruto nodded. "Right. Well, Metaru's construction methods are sorta like how your body is made, only not to such a great extent. His consciousness was created by creating a hardened shell of multiple fuuinjutsu seals, all of which correlate to my knowledge of intelligence programming. To put it simply, each seal acts as a connector between it and the routines and sub-routines located in his cybernetic brain. The shell is about six inches in diameter, but its actual interior is a space only a couple centimeters wide. Most of it is taken up by the multiple layers of paper seals. There's so many I can't even remember how many there are. A thousand? A million? Tens of billions?"

Naruto took a deep breath and continued. "In that tiny space, though, is something completely different. I basically took some of my chakra, concentrated it as far as I could, and mixed my blood to act as a catalyst. That's what makes his CORE, his Chakra ORiginal Existence" He laughed uncertainly. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking! Maybe I thought it would act as a base, my life-force slowly running things from the inside. Maybe I thought the chakra would keep in perpetual motion. Maybe the blood would act like conception. I don't know!" He sighed. "All I know is that it worked! And now…well…Look at this!"

Kyuubi looked at what he pointed to.

**Designated changes in behavioral patterns to suggested stimuli. **

**[Anger] [Sadness] [Joy] [Etc…]**

Kyuubi tilted its head. The procedures seemed a bit uneven, and there were several inefficient lines of code making reaction speed a bit slower than what it deemed permissible, but there was nothing it didn't see as outright odd. "What is the problem, doctor?"

"That's not _my_ code."

"Explain."

Naruto brought up the catalogue of changes he made to Metaru's brain. "This is not something that I did. Furthermore, it's not something that I _would_ or _could_ do. This isn't a change to Metaru's external programming; this is a change to the fuuinjutsu shell itself. And that isn't something I'd do, as it would completely alter his programming to the point where he'd stop, well…_existing._" He took a deep breath. "The seals have undergone change from the _inside_."

"Then what does this alteration indicate?"

"I…I don't know."

"…doctor?"

"If his core has changed, and yet he's still functioning, that means that Metaru himself has changed his programming." Naruto framed his chin with his thumb and pointer, mumbling to himself. "But Metaru's not programmed to do that. Sure, he has a feedback system that allows him to gradually learn from his environment and thus find a better way of dealing with things, but that doesn't explain the huge jump…in…" Naruto trailed off, his face going blank. "Kyuu-chi, how much do you know about evolution?"

"The theory that beings change in accordance to their environment for the end result of survival and easier living. Yes, I am familiar with the basics."

"Well, ya know how sometimes there's a monumental evolutionary leap? Like how some animals spontaneously produce different organs or appendages between generations?"

Kyuubi blinked. "Are you suggesting that Metaru's CORE has gone through a similar process? That its construction and interface has spontaneously evolved to match a new need?"

"I think so…" Naruto rubbed his palms together. "And you know what this means…"

"What's that, doct-"

"I'm the greatest scientific genius in the world!" Naruto crowed. He stomped one food on the ground and stood up tall, a fist on either side of his waist.

A produced two paper fans from nowhere, each with the letter 'N' emblazed, and waved them around. **"Hooray! Boss is the greatest!"**

Another Naru-kun popped out, B by the letter stamped on its chest. It also had a pair of fans. **"Hooray! Boss is a genius!"**

Rapidly, more and more Naru-kuns appeared – popping up from the floor, the wall, even the ceiling – ripping through the room like demented metallic groundhogs. Some of them had fans, others armed with confetti cannons that blasted the shredded paper everywhere.

"**Boss! Boss! Boss! Boss!"**

"Wahahahaha! Yes, bow before my intellectual might! For I have created _life!_" Naruto laughed wildly, eyes shining and teeth glinting with madness.

Kyuubi blinked. Then it picked up Metaru and removed the duct tape from his mouth. The fox sniffled, diluted oil sliding down its cheek. "**Kyuu-neechan? Why is daddy laughing like that? Does he feel sick?"**

Kyuubi said nothing. There was nothing it needed to say. Anything it did say would be a waste of time and energy, so therefore it would not say a word. It would not say anything at all. It would not say anything even if Naruto Uzumaki ordered it to say what it could not say during that time. Kyuubi was not the type to expend needless words. It would not create pointless noise. It was the greatest of the bijuu, and thus would not lower itself to the base and mindless babbling of the inefficient humans. It was better than that, purer than that!

It. Would. Not. Yield!

Kyuubi blinked.

"…I fear for my future prospects."

The festivities continued….right up until Zabuza burst in, roaring about a hangover and how he was going to beat the ever-loving _crap_ out of them for being so goddamn _loud_.

Then there was just a lot of screaming and explosions.

T-minus thirty hours, fifty minutes, twenty-two seconds and counting.

* * *

"And then that shark got involved and I'm not sure how he got a hold of my bandsaw but that's when things went down the toilet."

Haku tilted her head to the side and smiled vapidly, though her mind was feverishly trying to decipher just what the blonde was talking about. All she knew was that she had woken up to the sound of screaming and smell of sulfur, and both Naruto and Zabuza had come crashing through her wall, and then her memory just sort of cut off from there. Now they were all in the mess hall, Naruto's face a bruised mess and Zabuza scorched all over his body, but she was sure it was just the two bonding and there was no need to delve further than that. Kyuubi was not seen at all, the shenanigans having forced it to abandon its physical form lest it be caught up in them.

Instead, Haku focused more on the bundle of joy in her lap. Metaru was yipping softly and pressing into her stomach, going on and on about how the Naru-kuns were funny things and how his daddy had been laughing and then crying and then smoking and oh heavens he was just so _cute!_ Haku squealed and squished the mech into her bosom.

"You are such a darling!"

"**Haku-neechan's soft!"**

"Yes, yes she is," Naruto concurred, watching as Metaru was slowly engulfed into the girl's chest. "And I'm glad that you think so because you're going to be spending more time with her and others while I try to determine was caused your evo-leap."

"So what you are saying is that Metaru suddenly learned how to act more like a human than a fox?" Haku asked.

"Sorta," Naruto shrugged. He sipped at his mug of coffee and grimaced. "Zabuza-kun, did you spike the grounds again?"

"I swear, gaki, if you speak to me right now I'll bite your bloody head off," Zabuza growled, holding an icepack to his head. "But since you asked, yeah, I used some of my stash instead of plain water. After what you just put me through, I deserve it." He moved the icepack to his jaw, where it was especially raw and burned. "Ya got a problem with that?"

Naruto looked into his mug and dipped a finger. He then licked it and looked upwards thoughtfully. "Actually, it's not bad." Naruto drained the cup in one gulp. His eyes swam with an unknown gleam.

Zabuza would come to regret introducing the boy to alcohol. He was just so much more diabolical in his experiments when in the middle of hallucinations-induced psychosis.

Gouzu took a swig himself. "Got a bit of a kick to it."

"Nice buzz," Meizu echoed.

"Ara, what did I say about drinking in the morning?" Haku berated them. She couldn't blame the man, though. Zabuza always was a bit of a drinker, as it helped to curb his near-constant bloodlust. After coming to work with Naruto, and not being allowed to kill people to relieve the stress, alcohol was the easiest way to deal with it.

Plus, Haku found the ditties he sang in his drunken stupors to be rather cute and hilarious. She wondered if Naruto had rubbed off on her as she was wont to record them and keep them for future reference and/or blackmail material.

Well, whatever, all she cared about was that Metaru was so _cute_ and that she didn't have to worry about suffocating the fox from squeezing it too much.

Zabuza grunted and drained his alcoholic mixture, not bothering to even articulate logical response.

Naruto shrugged at his noncompliance. "Well, aside from Zabuza-kun's ongoing addiction, we have more things to worry about."

"**What's that, daddy?"**

Naruto looked over at where only Metaru's head was popping out from Haku's yukata, the ice maiden evidently all too pleased with herself, and smiled. "Nothing you need to worry about, Metaru. Go back and play with Haku-neechan's marshmallows."

"**Yay!"**

"So yeah, I'm gonna bring him on my rounds today and see if there was any one origin for his changes, so that's something I can work on, but there's more pressing matters to attend to!" He swung a finger around at Haku. "Haku-neechan!"

"Yes, Naruto-kun?"

"You've got the whole team-mom thing down great, but there's more you could do!" Naruto clenched his fists and set his jaw. "How else are we going to prove ourselves as leaders of the world when our token female's just so badass?"

Haku never quite got what the blonde was going on about when he explained their 'roles'. Always he went on how he was the fearless, charismatic leader (stupidity did not exactly translate to courage), and Zabuza was the gruff mentor character with a dark and angst-filled past (picturing Zabuza acting 'angsty' caused all sorts of mental fractures), and Meizu and Gouzu were the creepy brothers with the psychic bonds and disturbing sibling complex (…actually, that onewas pretty believable). There was nothing that could really be done for the lad, so Haku found it best to simply follow along and hope the boy wouldn't sprain his brain or something along those lines.

Though his despair at how she was too _competent _an individual to be an effective example of the stereotypical 'chick' – and thus was delegated to 'badass mom' – was something Haku could never determine as either a compliment or an insult.

"Ara? I could always try to cook more."

She still never understood why whenever she made the offer, Zabuza and the brothers would immediately say how they were too busy and would have to skip meals for training and whatnot. Naruto was always so _eager_ to try out her food, though she often wondered why he insisted on bringing his chemistry set to the dinner table. It was such bad manners, and yet he always said how her food was so good it could be weaponized through its sheer awesomeness.

Unfortunately for Haku's inflated pride at the comment, Naruto's tongue had actually gone numb from the destruction of his taste buds, and he was actually saying a different, similar-sounding word entirely.

The other Wave nin twitched and paled while Naruto shook his head. "No, no, there's no need for that. I'm still thinking back on that chowder from last week and-"

"It was miso soup."

"Really? Then what were those chunks…"

"Those were bits of crab I substituted for the clams," Haku said.

"And the broth?"

"I kept some mushroom soup overnight. After all, miso is just fermented vegetables." Haku knew that substitution oftentimes lead to innovation. If recipes could be created simply by replacing one type of food with another, the possibilities were endless!

"Huh, so that's why everyone was saying my smiles were extra creepy." The others shivered. "Whelp, anyway. Haku-neechan! You have to be girlier! And the second most girly thing I know is sewing!"

"What's the first?"

"Making weapons and then killing people with them. But since you have the latter down really well, and I don't think you're the blacksmithing type, we'll go with the sewing. Plus we'll have matching outfits!" Naruto grinned at his own ingenuity. "If you do that, then everyone will know of the Uzumaki clan just by looking at us!"

"I thought we were known by all the restraining orders and property damage."

"Well, that too, but this is easier and doesn't run the risk of my premiums getting higher."

"You have insurance?"

"I have an insurance named _after_ me!"

"I'm both amazed and appalled at the same time," Zabuza said.

"Why? Because you don't…"

"Have one named after you?"

"First thing, no. Second thing, shut up. Third thing, I will destroy you." Zabuza muttered, slamming his heels on the table and shaking the coffee mugs over to spill everywhere. Meizu and Gouzu scowled as it stained their clothes.

"Testy…"

"Testy."

"Awww…no need to mope, Zabuza-kun!" Naruto said cheerfully. "I got something that'll wipe that frown right off your face!" Naruto took out a seal capsule and laid it out in front of Zabuza. "You wouldn't let me make any modifications on your Kubikiri Houchou…"

"And I would have skinned you alive if you'd tried."

"So I just made you a new sword altogether!"

Zabuza paused. "What?"

"I…" Naruto pointed at himself. "Made you…" He pantomimed smacking something with a hammer. "A new…" His hands spread from his face, smile as fresh as a daisy. "Sword." He finished off the charade with a kunai jammed to the table.

Zabuza grunted. "Was that really necessary?"

"No, but it was fun!"

"Of course." Zabuza examined the capsule suspiciously, and, deciding that whatever was inside couldn't possibly be more dangerous than anything else the blonde had designed, did the only thing he could do – he handed it off to the person closest to him, Meizu. "You open it."

Meizu whimpered, but did as he was told, pressing the release button. He squawked when a huge double-edged zanbatou, about as large as Zabuza's, popped out and proceeded to crush both him and the chair with its massive weight.

Naruto chuckled insincerely. "Should I've mentioned it's _really_ heavy?"

"Get it off me!"

Zabuza snorted. "Wuss." He bent down and heaved the sword off of the smaller nin, grunting as he noted that it was indeed quite heavy, perhaps even as twice as heavy as his Kubikiri Houchou.

The sword was made of tempered steel, the blade itself five feet in length and a foot-and-a-half in width, the entire surface inlaid with bronzed fuuinjutsu arrays. The sides traveled parallel to each other before they dived in and then back out about a foot from the tip, creating a hinged and curved axe-head. The hilt was a complex machination of curves and spirals that started at a pickaxe-like pommel and twisted over to the crossguard, which looked like a primitive sculpture of copper and bronze, but also clearly resembled seals.

Zabuza noted that the blade was not a complete piece of metal, but was instead split down the middle lengthwise. He looked down the edge and saw that the center of the blade was much fatter, so much so that there was a noticeable diamond shape. When he rapped on the sword, a faint hollow sound echoed back. He glared back at Naruto, looking for answers as to the blade's curious construction.

"It's a special kind of sword, my personal brand. Don't worry, the interior is actually quite useful and won't harm your handling at all. Now, this sword has several different usages and modes, as shown by the controls here." He pointed at the grip closest to the hilt, where there were several buttons. "But I suggest you be careful, because the mechanics of the inside are…"

"**Ooh…pretty but-ton!"**

Everyone watched with stunned awe as Metaru, enamored by the new invention his daddy made, as well as the clearly desired-to-be-pressed buttons, jumped out of Haku's yukata, dashed across the table, and smacked the grip at a random place.

There was a whine as gears and servos spun. The seam down the middle of the sword widened, the blade opening up completely like the maw of some hungry beast, the axe-head flipping open. One of several fuma shuriken inside the blade was shunted along a metal pole that stuck out from the cross guard, unfolded to its full size, and instantly rotated to speeds beyond what the eye could follow. There was a crackle of electricity, a hint of ozone, and the shuriken shot forth as arcs of lightning bled off of it.

It all happened in barely two seconds.

The wall the fuma shuriken impacted bent outward and then broke apart completely as it punctured its way through. On the other side, a Naru-kun was cleanly bisected horizontally, either part on opposite sides of the adjacent room. Its body raised one hand into a crude thumbs-up while its decapitated head spoke, fluids leaking everywhere.

"**I'm okay!"**

A loose spark lit its head on fire. F's eyes turned off and on.

"…**I'm still okay! **

The mess hall was silent. Then Naruto laughed in wicked delight. "Yeah, like I said! The mechanics inside can be dangerous! And that's just _one_ of its tricks!" He _knew_ applying the gauss coil like this would reveal grand results! Of course, he was going to have to create a whole new body for F, but that was a small price to pay for the progress of Science!

Naruto grabbed Metaru by the joints of his neck. "Naughty little boy!" he cooed.

"**That was fun, daddy! Again, again!"** Metaru giggled. F was making such a funny face, all melty and gooey like that!

"Not now, sweetie," he admonished. He watched as other Naru-kuns extinguished F's head, which was complaining about how it was going to be so awful – it had just gotten used to that body!

Naruto grinned at the damage control and turned back to Zabuza, who was still just looking at his new weapon. "So yeah, enjoy your new sword. I call it the Eien Giakikai." He tapped his lip with one hand and placed Metaru on his head with the other. "Oh yeah, and if you're going to use both it and your Kubikiri Houchou at the same time, tell me. I'll tattoo you some storage seals." Naruto nodded briskly. "Whelp, gots to get going! Tell me when you have a handle on the outfits, Haku-neechan!" Without even waiting for assent, he dashed out of the room, Metaru shooting question after question at him.

The rest were left to their thoughts.

Zabuza just stared at his new zanbatou. Had anyone been able to peek in on his mind, they would have run away screaming at the pure carnage he was contemplating. Maybe he could walk around the village and see if anyone tried to pick a fight with him…

Meizu and Gouzu were just trying to feel good about their own improved weapons and that they hadn't been gypped. Why couldn't _they_ have super shuriken?

Oh, wait, they could use high-rank jutsu with just a simple slash or punch. Never mind.

Haku pondered on what Naruto had suggested/ordered. It would be interesting to make some new clothing for herself and everyone, and from the material she had seen Naruto use in his own clothes, it would be tactically advantageous for future battles. If she could give a better chance of survival to Zabuza and the others, then she would gladly spend the time polishing her skills with needle and thread.

Besides, there were already absolutely charming costumes she was envisioning for the smaller inhabitants of the apartment. She let out a passionate squeal.

All over the building, organic and non-organic beings alike shivered.

* * *

"So, uh, not that I mind and all, but is there a reason you're touting around a miniature version of the being that nearly destroyed our village?"

Naruto looked up from playing with Metaru at Kakashi, the man having a not-quite displeased, not-quite calm look on his face. He grinned cheekily. "Aw, what's wrong, Kakashi-sensei? Don't you think he's cute? I'm mean, look at him!" He picked Metaru up by his front paws so that the fox was standing on his hind legs.

"**Hi, Kakashi-jisan!"** Metaru said exuberantly. His single tail waved rapidly.

Kakashi sighed, his visible eye flipping into its U-shape. "Well, he's definitely better than those little monstrosities of yours." He had met the robot before on his forced trips to Naruto's home, so he was used to his shape and presence. He paused for a moment. "They're not going to show up, are they?" The rest of team seven couldn't tell if the man was anxious or thrilled about the clanks' supposed proximity.

"I think he's cute," Sakura put in, squatting down in front of the vulpine clank. "Hi, Metaru-chan. I'm Sakura."

"**Hi, pretty-neechan!"**

Sakura's eyes melted. "Aww…" She grabbed Metaru from Naruto and squeezed him tight. "He's adorable!"

"**Your boobies aren't as big as Haku-neechan's."**

Sakura's eye twitched. "Okay, getting less cute now."

"**Why's your chest so hard?"**

"_Really_ starting to push it!"

"**But you smell nice!"**

Sakura stopped, about to drop Metaru and storm off to smack Naruto one. "Umm…thank you?" she said in confusion.

"**You smell like flowers! I like flowers! They're fun to eat!"** He stared at her with the innocence and purity that only the baby animal he emulated could have. **"They go om-nom-nom and then I can't find them anywhere 'cause they're in mah tummy!"**

Sakura couldn't help it. Despite the fact that almost all of Metaru's body was made of metal, except for the fuzz that covered his tail, she just couldn't feel anything other than cuteness exuding from him. Both her inner and outer halves in agreement, she let out a squeal and hugged the fox closer.

"**You hug like Haku-neechan, too! Are you gonna suf-o-kate me?"**

She wasn't going to before, but now Metaru was in dire danger of having his joints dislocated from the intense pressure her arms wrapped around him gave. His eye bulged comically out from the pressure change in his internal systems. It just made Sakura want to squeeze him harder.

Naruto laughed internally. Yes…it was working perfectly. He didn't know how, but Metaru had harnessed the charisma innate to all cute, fluffy wildlife in his upgraded incarnation and transformed into a usable tool. Idly, Naruto wondered what would happen if Metaru and Mikoto met? Would the repeated collision and reflection of each other's cuteness factor cause a rift in the space-time continuum, leading to an irreversible destruction of all existence as people knew it? Was it possible?

He had to test this theory later…

Sasuke grunted, resting his back against a tree. He leaned down to look at the fox. He didn't really understand the aesthetics of the thing. Sure, it looked like a fox somewhat, but it just seemed too close to those Naru-kuns that Naruto had showed them once and that Kakashi always ranted on about. Of course, if he looked at it in just the right angle than it did look kind of cute and he wondered how Metaru had been raised and Sakura shouldn't be hogging the little thing so much, she should be passing him around and when was he going to get a _oh god_s what was he thinking?

Sasuke shook his head furiously. Bad thoughts! He was an avenger! Avengers don't get tempted by cute, infantile, precious little _ARGH!_

"Hnn, I don't see what's so great about him."

Naruto spun around, shock written plainly across his face. "Sasuke-kun! How _could_ you?"

He sneered. "What, dobe?"

"Metaru is the greatest thing since sliced bread, I mean sliced ramen!" He pilfered the clank from Sakura's hands, who squawked in disapproval at being derived of her dose of cute, and swung him in front of Sasuke's face. "How could you _not_ think so?"

"**Hi, emo-niichan!"** Metaru yawned, licking his lips before having his tongue hang out again.

Sasuke twitched, holding back the urge to leap forward and engulf the clank. "I'm not your nii-chan," he scowled. "There's no way I'd want a pet like you."

"**Why?"**

"Because you're just mindless fluff, with no real purpose or intention in life."

"**Why?"**

"Because if I had a pet, or whatever you are, I'd want it to actually do things for me."

"**Why?"**

"Because then it'd have a use!"

"**Why?"**

"You're just going to keep asking me why, aren't you?"

Metaru considered the question for all of three seconds. **"…maybe…why?"**

"Gah! Can't you do anything else other than be annoying?"

"**I can be helpful!"** Metaru cried petulantly.

"How?" Sasuke said in irritation. "You're just a weird, stupid fox! You can't fight or provide assistance or help train or…"

"**I can fight! Watch!"** A click came from somewhere in Metaru's chest compartment, and then a rickety noise like something had been loaded. His mouth opened wide. Something inside shined.

Sasuke's Sharingan involuntarily activated, and he contorted his body to avoid the most of the spray of senbon needles that shot forth from Metaru's mouth, his hands deflecting the rest. On the tree behind him was a perfect outline of his body made by the senbon.

Silence dawned on the area. Then it was broken as Naruto whooped loudly and caroled Metaru around, laughing brilliantly. "I don't believe it. You evolved your own weapon defense system as well! I'm so _proud_ of you, Metaru!"

"**Yay! Daddy praised me!"**

"Good boy! Good, _good_ boy! I will hold you and pet you and have you crush my enemies and see them driven before me!"

Sasuke let out the breath he was holding and deactivated his doujutsu. Neither Kakashi nor Sakura were looking at him, narrowly focused on the clank and his master. His thoughts spun on the matter.

Both fiendishly adorable _and _able to kill someone as well?

…great, now he wanted one. Curses!

T-minus twenty-seven hours, twelve minutes, five seconds and counting.

* * *

On a separate note, the intended experiment of making contact between Metaru and Mikoto did not cause the end of the universe as was theorized. Instead, the massive amount of cute created a psychic ripple effect that knocked every person with a line of sight to the event into a six-hour coma and altered a miniscule portion of their brain chemistry.

They awoke with a refreshed mind and an optimistic look on life. Also, everything tasted like dangos for the next couple of days.

Anko was refused custody of Metaru.

She was sad.

* * *

Naruto looked aside from the group of Sakura, Lee, and Sasuke playing with Metaru. Lee was going on and on about Metaru's newly-found youthfulness while Sasuke desperately pretended he was not interested in the little fox. Then he focused on more important things – like his metal goddess.

"Isn't he adorable?"

"He's pretty cute," Tenten said. She was standing against a tree, Neji and Naruto sitting on the ground. "Though I do like the senbon addition more."

"I _know_, right? Not only has he rewritten his personality matrixes, he's also had the Naru-kuns add onto his body. Is this what having your child make his first bomb feels like?"

"There are times when I finally feel as though I understand you," Neji interjected, "and then you go and say stuff like this which makes me wonder what has eaten your brain." He paused. "Are you sure your changes to my seal won't have my head exploding randomly?"

"Well, it hasn't happened yet, so I'm pretty sure that you won't be turned into chunky salsa soon."

"Your words fill me with confidence," Neji said dryly.

Tenten snickered. "That's something rare – Neji-kun filled with conceit, I mean, _confidence_."

Neji snorted and looked away. Naruto grinned. "But really, how _is_ your family doing now, Neji-han? Did I put the fear of myself into them?"

The Hyuuga clucked his tongue. "I once thought having to deal with Hinata-sama was the greatest annoyance of my life." His eyes narrowed, veins slightly bulging. "But now that I have to deal with Hanabi-sama as well, my torments have been doubled. How I hate you for that."

"It can't be that bad," Tenten said. The few times she had met Hanabi, the girl had seemed quite harmless, in that haughty, holier-than-thou way of the Hyuuga.

"She will not stop going on about being an overlord-in-training after being told of Naruto-san's influence over her." Neji scowled. "The worst part is that the branch family is humoring her delusions." He paused and looked at Naruto. "I _do_ hope that they are just delusions, Naruto-san."

Tenten snickered again, louder this time. "Oh gods, I can imagine it – Hanabi-chan ordering the execution of someone who brought her the wrong flavor of juice, heh…" She trailed off at Neji's unamused stare. "It wasn't a joke, was it?"

"…she wanted apple."

At that, Tenten abandoned any decorum she had left and burst into all-out guffawing. Naruto simply grinned wider. He flapped a hand. "Ah, don't worry about it. I have no intention of making her my successor…" He looked away and cupped his chin. "Although on the other hand…"

"Naruto-san, please do not force me to kill my benefactor," Neji said in all seriousness. His Byakugan was in full effect now.

"Alright, alright!" Naruto cried. "Sheesh, you don't have to get all bent out of shape! It was a joke!" He pouted and looked at his feet. "Though she is at the optimal age for brainwashing and tutorin-gah! Kidding, kidding!"

Neji removed the hand he had jabbed into Naruto's side. Luckily, it was simply the martial aspect of the Jyuuken without the chakra addition. He nodded his head. "Despite the side-effects, I did enjoy the reversal you have placed on the hierarchy between the main and branch families. For that, I thank you. However, now Hanabi-sama and Hinata-sama have become even larger targets, since you have added your mark on them."

"Is it really that bad?" Tenten asked. "I mean, I can see how this would seem like a sign of weakness and all, but does it really have that big an effect?"

"I guess…?" Naruto said weakly.

"…you weren't even considering the ramifications of your actions, were you?"

"It was in the heat of the moment! I just wanted to smack some sense into them! I'm sorry, don't hurt me!"

Neji glanced at Naruto's cowering form and sighed. "Well, there is nothing we can do about it now. Though I do suspect that more and more of the branch family will be visiting you over time to relieve them of their…burden."

"Who says they haven't already?"

Neji stared for a moment, said nothing for a little while, and then let out a breathless laugh. "Truly, you are quite insane."

"And proud of it!" Naruto said.

"Well, now that you two boys have stopped measuring yourselves, maybe we can get to more important matters?" Tenten quipped. An exasperated smirk was on her face.

"Like what?" Naruto asked.

"Like Lee-kun and how he's going to do something _bad_ to Metaru-chan." She pointed to the quartet, Lee gesturing wildly at the fox, who was listening in rapt attention. "By the way his face's gotten red, I think he's into step five of his "Flames of Youthfulness" speech." She shuddered visibly. "It all goes downhill after that."

"Oh, don't worry about it. I can just erase any information that Lee-senpai gives him when…" He stopped, and his face tightened in surprise. "Oh shoot, I can't do that anymore! Metaru's CORE won't let me!" He shot up and ran to the others. "Lee-senpai, don't corrupt my Metaru! That's _my_ job!"

Neji and Tenten watched at the blonde ran, waving his arms vigorously. Neji smirked contemptuously as the inventor and green beast got into a pitched argument and turned to Tenten. His smirk grew. "Your face is loose."

Tenten looked away from the scene and at him. "Eh, what?"

"You were staring."

Tenten frowned and swatted him lightly on the shoulder. "Idiot."

Neji grunted. "Similar tastes, similar insanities. A perfect match."

"Yeah, yeah," Tenten said dismissively. She put her arms up behind her head. In the shade of the tree, it was almost impossible to see the slight hint of red. "Your point is?"

"None really." His smirk stayed, but in it was a hint of mischief that had been invading his features for the past month or so. "Just that I hope he does not kill anyone. That is a requirement of your co…" The rest was lost as Naruto came back, Metaru clung in his hands.

"I'm back~!" He stopped. "Eh, Tenten, why're you blushing?" His face became bashful. "Were you thinking of me…?"

Tenten rolled her eyes, the blush fading. "Right…that's exactly what I was thinking."

"Yay!" he squeaked. He extended his arms. "Metaru, say hello to Tenten!"

Metaru tilted his head, gears whirling faintly. **"Are you gonna be my new mommy?"**

A half-covered choke came from the side. Tenten glared at Neji, who had regained his calm and was pointedly looking the opposite direction. She just _knew_ his bloodline was active, though. Tenten looked back Metaru, but not before catching sight of the sparkly-eyed Naruto. She sighed. "No, I'm not gonna be your mommy. Why would you think that?"

Metaru yawned. **"'Cause daddy's always talking about you in his sleep or when he sniffed some bad drugs."**

Tenten looked straight at Naruto. The boy just shrugged. "S'true."

She sighed again and took Metaru, cradling him in one arm. "Well, we're just friends. So you can just call me nee-chan, k?" Then she perked up. She glanced at Naruto, a devious smile crossing her lips. She dipped down and whispered something into Metaru's ear.

The fox's eyes widened. **"Really…?"**

"Yup."

"**Yay!"** He squirmed around in her arms to get a better view of Naruto. **"I've gotta secret, and you can't know~."**

"What?" Naruto said harshly. He pointed at Metaru, taking in the twin smiles on both his and Tenten's face. "Metaru, as your daddy, I _order _you to tell me!"

"**Nyah!"** Metaru batted a paw at his eye and stuck out his tongue, in what could only be described as an attempt at a raspberry red-eye. **"Don't wanna!"**

"Curses!"

Tenten laughed. "You know what? You _are _pretty cute."

"**Yay, Tenten-neesama! I love you!"** He licked her cheek. Tenten giggled in a surprisingly girlish manner. Naruto fumed.

"Curse you, Metaru! Curse your sudden and inevitable lack of respect!"

"**You're weird, daddy."**

The day went on.

* * *

"**So…so…so yeah, yeah, I wanna be more like daddy!"**

"**And you need us to do so?"**

"**But daddy's so smart, and has so many toys! I wanna have toys like that!"**

"**I still don't understand why you need our assistance."**

"**But you guys helped me shoot the spiny things, and daddy was so proud of me! So, so, so, so if you help me do even **_**more**_** things, daddy'll be even **_**more**_** proud!"**

"**There was a discernable increase in boss's happiness after Metaru was equipped with the senbon blowgun, chief."**

"**And he **_**did**_** give us carte blanche to try and improve the overall effectiveness of his inventions when he wasn't actively using or improving them himself."**

"**I still do not-"**

"**But, but, but, I **_**want**_** iiiitttt! I want daddy to be proud of meeeeee!"**

"**Do not think your attempt at utilizing your cuteness factor will have an effect on us. We are immune to its effects. Not even utilizing your doe-eyes will work."**

"**Actually, chief, boss inputted a sub-routine into our obedience circuit so that it **_**would**_** work."**

"…**drat."**

"**Pweeeeaaassseeee…?"**

"…**okay, boys, let's get busy. Program MM-11 loaded. Retrieve the schematics for boss's building tools."**

"**Right, chief!"**

"**Yay!"**

Sparks flew into the night.

T-minus twelve hours, fifty-eight minutes, seventeen seconds and counting.

* * *

A crash woke up Naruto. He scrambled around, grabbing the first thing his hands could find. Now, normally in cases like this, the character would find something weak or fairly useless, like a wrench or – if they were lucky – a baseball bat. In the soon-to-be-ruler-of-the-elemental-countries' case, it was something a bit more useful – a rather large and also-angry-to-be-woken-up former nuke-nin.

Who had a big-ass sword on his person.

Which immediately came swinging down to split the table right in half, sending shards of wood and metal in every direction.

"What the hell was that?" Zabuza shouted, jumping up from the now-destroyed table where another all-night party had taken place. Haku and the brothers were nowhere to be seen, having had admitted their limit and gone to sleep in their actual quarters.

"I knew it! I knew this day would come!" Naruto howled. "Sound the attack! We have invaders!"

"Not exactly, boss."

The two looked down to see A raising a hand at him. Well, its _only_ hand; the other arm had been ripped off at its shoulder socket. It looked down at its missing limb. **"Major Zabuza is a bit too twitchy in the morning. We should make note of that." **He paused. **"…I liked that arm."**

"A?"

Zabuza twitched. "Waking me up when it's just your stupid security system. I'm going back to bed." He grumbled incomprehensibly and stomped out of the room.

"**You really should stop gifting such dangerous weapons to such tense folks, boss. I really **_**liked**_** that arm."**

"I'll make you another, A. Anyway, report. If it's not an attack, what was it?" A was silent. Naruto's eyebrow rose. "A…what aren't you telling me…?"

"**I think I have made an error in judgment,"** A said guiltily.

"A…"

"**The Naru-kuns executed enhancements on Metaru at his request. We had no choice in the matter, due to your programming. However, we may have been a bit…enthusiastic in our efforts."**

"Oh, so you changed his body a bit? Don't worry, that's no problem. So, what? That crash was him falling due to the overhaul?"

"**Not exactly…"** A swung its hand around so it was behind its ear**. "We made more than a few minor changes to Metaru's structure and size – more than his original blueprints accounted for."** A's mouth opened, letting out a canned laugh-track. **"And we may have implemented a few of your untested building methods to do so…at my orders."**

"…which ones?"

A said nothing as it turned around and led Naruto to one of the assembly rooms on the bottom floor. In it were the remaining Naru-kuns sweeping up and trying to fix up the mess of rubble and parts scattered all around, including what was left of the northern wall, which was now nothing more than a gaping hole to the outside.

Almost the entire wall was missing, as though something had burst out from inside the room. Judging from the cracks on the roof around the wall, whatever had left had to crouch just to wriggle its way out. Naruto pursed his lips, raised a finger, and then lowered it.

"My baby grew up?"

"**Your baby grew up a **_**lot**_**."**

Naruto nodded. "Right then." He snapped his fingers, a transceiver popping out of some smoke. He grabbed it and adjusted the frequency. "This is Naruto calling Neji-han. Naruto calling Neji-han." There was nothing for a bit and then Neji's voice trickled out the receiver. Naruto gritted his teeth.

"Assemble…the _clan!_"

He paused.

"Eh, what?" He sighed. "Fine, five more minutes _then_ assemble the clan! Yes, I realize how early- Well you don't have to get snippy- FINE! You can kill me later! Just get them!" He turned the transceiver off. "Honestly, the help these days…"

With the always increasing branch family on his side, he was sure he could find Metaru quickly. After all, how hard could it be to find a one-ton, one-story-tall mechanical fox?

* * *

Several hours later, the question was answered – somewhere between fairly hard to next-to-impossible.

Despite the multiple acts of destruction Metaru's enlarged body caused as he traveled through Konoha, no one was able to catch him as he mysteriously disappeared before anyone could fully survey the damage and no tracks were left to follow him.

"Gah! Why can't anyone find him? You'd think a giant fox in _Konoha_ of all places would garner attention!"

"I apologize, Naruto-sama."

"Don't worry about it, Daisuke-kun," Naruto said to the Hyuuga at his side. "It's bad enough I led you on what's turning out to be some kind of wild fox-chase. You don't have to be apologetic about it."

"But without you, we never would have escaped the hold of the main family." Daisuke was one of the many branch Hyuuga that Naruto had 'rebranded.' Now he didn't have to worry about the constant threat of a painful death hanging over his head, which – at his young age of seventeen – was a very real and stressful thought. "The least we could do is help you out on this venture."

"Like I said, it's no problem," Naruto said humbly. "The only thing I'm really worried about is how Metaru is evading you. I'm pretty sure I don't have anything that could defeat the Byakugan without being com-plete-ly ob-vi…ous…" He trailed off.

"Naruto-sama?"

Naruto pressed a finger against the bone near his ear. "A, you didn't happen to apply the theory of my kakushi nuno, did you?"

"…**maybe…boss? We **_**might**_** have applied a layer of mirror shine on Metaru's body as a finish. He did look exceptionally sparkly after that."**

Naruto smacked his head. Great. Now he had to deal with an _invisible_ one-ton, one-story-tall mechanical fox. And the worst part was it _was_ possible for Metaru to evade the Byakugan in that state.

As far as he could tell from the studies he had done on willing branch Hyuuga, Neji in particular, the Byakugan was simply much like the rest of its kekkai genkai brethren – it was a genetic mutation.

A Byakugan user's eyes probably had an extraordinary number of rod and cone cells, and maybe even other kinds that didn't exist in normal humans. Thus, they could distinguish pretty much anything in a visible light range, and especially chakra, which normally registered on a completely different energy wavelength akin to UV rays or infrared. They probably didn't so much see _through_ objects as _around_ them, quite literally reflecting the light they absorbed to such an extent that to simply see into a building, they just needed _one_ invasive light source. Chakra most likely also played an effect, allowing their sight to 'rebound' as it were. It was probably the reason the Byakugan's effectiveness was lessened in dark places, and why they couldn't see through foggy conditions – there was simply nothing to reflect _from_.

Of course, this was all just conjecture, and most likely would _remain_ as such until he had the chance to examine a Hyuuga eye directly (and he wasn't exactly rushing to find one), but if it was at least slightly true, then it would explain why Metaru couldn't be found.

The kakushi nuno worked by refracting light around it as well as weaving a slight genjutsu effect to ward off any visual discrepancies, thus changing the way light made it visible, thus it disappeared from sight. So, even if the Byakugan could _see_ it, with no light reflecting off Metaru, it would still not _register_ the scene.

And _then_ you had an invisible giant fox with the mind of a child. Now, if Naruto could only discern a way around the advantage.

Daisuke nodded, removing the transceiver from his ear. "Naruto-sama, one of the others has discovered something. Apparently some invisible monster just attacked a coffee house." He raised the radio back to his ear. "Correction. It _ate_ part of the coffee house, specifically the giant espresso cup that made up its sign."

Or he could just run with that.

"Where was it?" Naruto asked.

"In the uptown section on fifth and Suzume," the older man answered. "A 'Bean Addict's Delight.'"

"That's where I took Metaru yesterday when I was showing him around town," Naruto muttered. "I wanted to show him where his daddy got his coffee, but what…" He trailed off, his face growing pale.

"Naruto-sama? What's wrong? Did something happen?"

Metaru wanted to be like his daddy, so he changed his very soul. Metaru wanted to be strong like his daddy, so he changed his appearance. Metaru wanted to drink coffee like is daddy, so he went to his daddy's favorite coffee place. Metary wanted to _eat_-

Naruto's leg shined, his Ukabeita latching on to his feet. Without a word, he zoomed past Daisuke, a grim and panicked expression on his face.

He knew where Metaru would be next, and he couldn't let the fox have his way, as innocent and pure as it was. Because Metaru was still young, and he did things in spades, just like his daddy. But this was something he had to do carefully, seriously.

Naruto had to stop him.

T-minus twenty minutes, thirty-five seconds and counting.

* * *

Naruto arrived at Ichiraku's, relieved to see that nothing was amiss. He reabsorbed the hoverboard back into its seal and ran the rest of the way to the ramen stand. He slammed his hands on the counter.

"Ayame-neechan!"

"Naruto-kun!" the older girl squealed happily, twirling around from the stove. "It's so nice to see you! Why are you here? Did you come to see your big sister again?"

"Oh, Naruto, welcome!" Teuchi added. "You want the usual?"

"Now's not the time!" Naruto yelled, shocking both of the stand's workers. Naruto? Turning down ramen? What in the blazes…? "Have either of you seen Metaru?"

"Your little fox?" Ayame asked, shaking off her surprise. She remembered the sweet, little thing, and how it had nearly drowned in one of their pots when exploring the kitchen. It was so cute; almost as much as Naruto! "No, not since yesterday. Why?" She gasped and put her hands to her mouth. "Oh no! Don't tell me he got lost!"

"Sormething like that," Naruto said hesitantly.

"That's too bad, son," Teuchi said compassionately. "Did you want our help?"

"No, there's no worries about that," Naruto laughed. "In fact, I kinda know he's gonna be 'round here soon."

"Well, that's great then!" Ayame said happily. Now she would have two cuties to hug and squeeze and kiss and…other things the author cannot write due to age ratings. "So why do you look so worried, then?"

"Well, it's kinda compli-"

He was interrupted when the ground shook, broth spilling over from the pots and some of the bowls. Teuchi regained his balance, one hand steadied on a support beam. "Whoa! What is this, an earthquake?"

"No…" Naruto grimaced. He stepped out of the stand, facing where the sound of the quakes were coming from.

In the distance, he could make out large paw marks stomping into the dirt, rapidly approaching his position. At his size, there was no way Metaru could hide his tracks at that speed. Why no one had really seen his tracks before, Naruto was suspicious of, but not really focused on at the moment.

The incoherent string of yells became clearer as Metaru drew closer, coalescing into a frantic jumble of, "Ramenramenramenramen_ramen_RAMENRAMEN_RAMEN…!"_

Naruto squared his shoulders, set his feet on the ground and took a deep breath before releasing it. "Metaru, STOOOOOOOOOOPPP!"

The approaching footprints turned into a drag mark, and earth gathered up in a growing wave in front of the massive creature. It finally stopped a scant few feet in front of Naruto, the breeze from its dash blasting over him like a storm gale.

Naruto tapped his foot and crossed his arms. "Metaru, you better show yourself, young man!"

The invisible mass shimmered for a second before melting into Metaru, who was a good ten feet tall and four feet wide, even sitting on his haunches, with now two tails moving excitedly behind him. He opened his mouth and laughed. **"Hi, daddy!"**

Ayame's mouth widened at the impressive sight of the humongous mech. Then she internally cheered. More Metaru meant more of him to hug! She sunk into daydreams.

Teuchi just wondered if he had enough ramen to feed the newly-sized fox.

Naruto frowned angrily. "Metaru, you are in a _lot_ of trouble, mister!"

"**But, daddy, I-!"**

"No buts! You caused a lot of trouble around the village! I'm very proud that you took initiative to make yourself stronger, but there's a limit to what you can do! You're still young, and there's a lot you don't know yet, and one of them is biting off more than you can chew, and that's what you _did_ when you roped the Naru-kuns into building you a new body!"

"**But I'm so big!"**

"Yes, and you were about destroy Ichiraku," Naruto scolded.

"**No I wouldn't! I love Ayame-neechan and Teuchi-jisan!"**

Naruto sighed. "I know you do, but you're so big, you might have done it completely by accident." He smiled kindly. "It'll be okay. You can grow into your new body eventually, but not now. I just want to see my little Metaru as he always was."

Metaru's ears drooped. **"…k, daddy."**

Naruto nodded. The way A and the others had explained it, they had used his new bonding method to build Metaru's new body. It worked by sealing layers of metal on each other by using chakra as a connecting bond through the concept of adhesion. Metaru's original body was still there; the Naru-kuns had just added layer after layer on top. One small movement from Metaru's original body meant a exaggerated effect on his larger. And to get rid of them, he just had to release the chakra that held it all together.

Naruto nodded. "Metaru, unseal the chakra bonds. Let me get a good look at my little sweetie."

Metaru smiled. **"Okay, daddy!"** He started to glow.

"_**Are you sure that was a wise decision, doctor?"**_ Kyuubi's voice asked.

"_What do ya mean, Kyuu-chi?"_

"_**Judging from the exponential readjustment of Metaru's size, the number of metal layers required to achieve that volume is quite large. Thus the amount of chakra needed to bond it all together is exceptionally large as well. By my calculations, the simultaneous release of chakra, translated to heat energy as the bleed-off, equates to about fifty-three of your normal bombs exploding at once. The blast radius and power will be extensive."**_

"…_oh."_

"_**It is times like this that I am no longer displeased with having an incorporeal form."**_

"…well, cr-"

* * *

The table rattled. Sarutobi placed the cup of tea back down on it, luckily having taken if off to take a sip. Also luckily, he spilled not a drop on his clothes.

"Iruka-kun?"

"The usual, Sarutobi-sama?"

"The usual, Iruka-kun."

Iruka nodded and reached for the appropriate insurance forms.

T-plus twenty-three seconds…and counting.

* * *

A/N: Ninth chapter gone! Sorry this took so long, I was a bit backed up with some horrible writer's block. But now it's gone and I finished the chapter! Yay! As you can see, I eased off the drama for a bit and returned to the silly humor and explosions 'Nin Tech' is known for! Awesome. In any case, these author notes will be a bit short, as I don't have much to say. Expect more chapters in the future, and I hope you continue to enjoy this fic! See ya next time!

_Next Chapter – Beneath the Buns_

* * *

Omake!

**Why I Don't Do Angst**

He couldn't allow this. He could not allow his beloved to just die and wither away like this! How could he call himself a ruler if such things happened so easily? He was nothing but a worthless fool then! How _dare_ he try and rise above his status if this was how the heavens smacked him back down. A man in mourning, an existence hated by all!

He knew that Teuchi and Ayame would forgive him, or at least he hoped they would. But to lose their means of survival because he acted in such frivolous fashion? The shame! But even if they did, he would never forgive himself from causing such a calamitous event.

How pitiful was he! How wretched! Such a useless and despicable person!

No! No longer! He would find a better way! He would make it so that his beloved would never die! Even if he had to trade away his body and soul to the devil, he would not fail in this endeavor!

"I'll make it so that they can never die. With my science, they'll never be destroyed no matter what the opposition! Crushing, grinding, acid, fire, hail – _nothing_ will harm them! I'll dive into the ocean of madness and come out the other end with the elixir of immortality! I swear it!"

He stood up and bared his teeth to the heavens.

"I _swear _it!"

Meizu and Gouzu watched from the hallway to Naruto's study as Naruto fell into broken laughter. Gouzu frowned.

"Won't that just make the ramen inedible?"

Meizu shrugged. "Eh, whatever floats his boat."

They both sighed in unison and walked off.

* * *

**Copyright Infringement no Jutsu!**

"**Boss-dood."**

Naruto swiveled around in his chair and stopped short at the sight.

One of the Naru-kuns was clad in a stuffed-animal suit. Naruto _thought_ it could be a penguin, but he had not seen many penguins with peg legs, a satchel on its stomach, bat-wings on its back, and wide, expressionless eyes. Plus the costume was disproportionately rounded and the white tummy looked like it was stitched intentionally badly and overdone compared to the rest of the outfit.

"**Captain Haku ordered to make me where this, dood. She said how I would look adorable in it,"** it explained. **"Also, I think there's been some corruption in my verbal routines, dood."**

"Which one are you?" Naruto asked, casing it over. "You're all covered up and I can't see your letter."

"**P, boss-dood."**

Naruto was silent for a moment. He nodded with a serious face. "As of now, you are officially assigned as Captain Haku's personal assistant. I'll make some modifications to your chassis so that the costume fits over you better as well as changing your weapon systems to better suit your new form. And don't worry about your verbal routines. It fits, oddly enough. Understood?"

"**Roger, dood."** P saluted and waddled out of the room.

Naruto turned back to his notes and began jotting things down, including measurements for the new chassis. Bombs and knives would be best for weapons, especially if using the satchel as P's new storage space.

He didn't quite know why, but he had the undeniable urge to add nitroglycerine to its hydraulics network.


	10. Beneath the Buns

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Sometimes I wish I did, so I could order Kishimoto to be flogged a hundred times with a wet noodle for some of the plots he's created.

**Nin Tech  
Chapter 10: Beneath the Buns  
By Irritus185**

"So…my house or yours?"

A sigh and exasperated chuckle.

"Why do you always make everything a double entendre?"

"Why else? 'Cause it's fun to screw with anyone listening on us."

"Oh? And who would that be?"

"You know…" A wide sweep of the arm. "_Them_."

Roll of the eyes.

"Idiot. Fine, how about mine? I can show you who the true weapons master is while we're at it."

"I love it when you talk dirty."

"And now I'm leaving…"

"Aww…Tenten!"

"See you tomorrow, Naruto-kun."

"…you tease."

Nothing happened for a few moments. Silence reigned. A few leaves rustled.

"They're onto us."

"Shit, I told you spying for gossip was a bad idea."

"Shut up, Cat."

"Ya think the others will find this interesting?"

"I just want to collect on the betting pool. They are _so_ gonna do it tomorrow. Score two-hundred ryo for me."

"Lucky bastard…"

The leaves rustled again, and they were gone.

* * *

It was the banging that woke her up.

Tenten peeked out from underneath her covers, the ring of a hammer on metal disturbing her from her sleep. It was always that sound that acted as her alarm – that of her father starting the day at the forge, hammering away at some new weapon or armor.

Tenten loved being the daughter of a blacksmith – it was fun, rewarding, and she had all the lethal tools on hand a kunoichi could ever want. Her mother had died when Tenten was a toddler, so any sense of a woman's touch had dissipated long before her formative years. When other girls were given dolls, her father had compensated by giving her kunai and teaching the squishiest place to shove them. When girls were held gently in their mothers' arms, she was crushed between burly limbs in frequent bear hugs and learned how to duplicate them.

Tenten knew she would never be all that feminine, being raised among iron and the smell of smoke. Her choice of dress was practical (rather than alluring), she never quite got the hang of her seduction classes (why lure a man when it so much quicker to just threaten his golden treasures?), and she'd never gone googly-eyed over a handsome guy (though her initial months with Neji pushed her limits before she became desensitized).

Her only real feminine aspect was her secret hobby of fortune-telling. Tucked away in a drawer underneath a pile of blunted kunai, she kept her hidden stash of tarot cards, which she often used to try and divine certain aspects about the people she knew – especially the weirdoes that surrounded her lately. Somehow, pulling The Fool for Naruto made chillingly perfect sense to her.

She was as tomboyish as a girl could be and, to be honest, she had absolutely no problem with how she was raised.

She was a bit worried that her father was working this early, though, especially considering that he never came home last night. Her father was a bit of drinker, and the man enjoyed carousing in bars until the wee hours of the morning. However, the man never worked at the forge until he was good and sober. The reasons for such weren't very pleasant to dwell upon.

Jin Chang'e became_ creative _under the influence of alcohol. The works that had been born from his twitchy fingers and sake-soaked mind could be legendary…but only if wielded by a master of both dexterity and weapons handling. Such exhaustive and precise weapons would require nothing less. The number of such people in all the elemental countries could be counted on one hand.

Total. For every single one of them. The rest?

Dismembered limbs did not a good business plan make.

So Tenten, not wanting to witness a repeat of the 'sword-chucks' incident, threw on some rough and durable clothes she normally wore while blacksmithing, leapt down the full flight of stairs from the second floor above their weapons shop, and dashed into the forge.

Then she stopped, eyes widening.

Her father was working on a sword, but not just any sword, no. Jin just had to be working on one of the most infamous swords in the elemental countries possible. And he was wearing the worst shit-eating grin imaginable.

Tenten was now worried.

"Daddy…?"

Jin looked up. He was a hefty man and built like a dilapidated refrigerator – broad shoulders, beefy arms that had multiple burns and scars, a slight pot-belly, and a face that looked like it had been chewed on by a wolverine – a wolverine with rusty nails for teeth.

Tenten took more after her dear, departed mother.

The parent _without_ the smile that caused little children to wet themselves.

"Ah, morning, sweetie." He wiped one arm across his forehead, the sweat hissing when it hit the scalding forge. "How'dya sleep?"

"Fine…" Tenten put forth, wondering how many weapons she could carry. "What are you doing…?"

"Hmm? Oh, just reforging a sword. Real piece of work, too."

"It should be," she laughed uneasily. "Um, is there a reason you have a swordsman of the mist's weapon in our shop?" Maybe a kodachi? Or possibly a buckler?

"Because it needs the work, obviously." Jin leaned over carefully, making sure not to burn himself on the red-hot metal. "The structure's been shot to hell."

"Yeah, but that doesn't explain why _you_ have it." A kunai would be fine, really!

"He has it because I asked him to fix it."

Spine stiffening, Tenten slowly turned. Sitting in the corner, picking his fingernails with a spare kunai, sat the bloody demon of the mist, Zabuza Momochi. His eyes had a bleary, bloodshot look to them which Tenten immediately recognized, having seen it on her father's face plenty of times before and seeing it on Jin's face even now.

Zabuza was nursing a hell of a hangover.

He jerked a thumb at Tenten. "This your kid?"

"Aye," Jin shot back over his shoulder. "My pride and joy."

"Huh, looks kind of familiar…"

So, having found herself in the same room as a former traitorous nuke-nin (who had just recently been _quite_ drunk), her father working on said nuke-nin's signature weapon with that manic zeal he had every time he was coming around from a bender, and surrounded by literally a storehouse of various weapons, shields, armor, and just plain lethal blacksmithing tools, Tenten went with the most obvious choice.

She hyperventilated.

Zabuza blinked. "You okay, kid?"

Jin stopped in his hammering and placed a hand tentatively on her shoulder. "Sweetie?"

Tenten opened her mouth

The sound that came from it oscillated back and forth between the pitch-boundary at which it could only be heard by certain animals. In either case, Tenten's squeal cracked the room's glass windows. It also forced two men to reconsider their vices and put a due amount of effort into investing in earplugs.

"EEEEEEEeeeee…! Ohmigoshohmigosh, you're Zabuza Momochi! Of the mist! And you're here! I'm such a huge fan! Really! So much! You're so cool! And that's your sword! It really is! Can I have your autograph? Please? Please? _Please?_ Kunai, katana, anything metal! Please! Anything would do!"

Zabuza leaned back from her sparkling eyes and the double-headed axe shoved into his face. He grimaced, sticking a finger into his ear. "Damn it, girl, now I see how you and your dad are related. You shriek even louder than him."

"It wasn't that bad."

"You shattered my beer when you actually recognized me."

"Actually, that was just you squeezing it too hard from the shock."

"Either way, I was down a beer and had glass shards in my hands."

"Forget all that!" Tenten cried. She poked the axe-head at him. "Sign it! Now!"

"Alright, alright! Just stop staring at me like that. Yer creeping me out." Zabuza grabbed a piece of charcoal chalk used for marking and scribbled his name on the axe. "Here, ya happy now?"

Tenten squealed again and pressed her cheek against the blade. "I'll never wash this again no matter _how_ much blood gets on it."

"…okay, so maybe you're not so bad, after all, girly."

"That's my Ten," Jin said proudly. "She's a real coal off the old forge."

"Daddy, I love you and all, but never say that again, or we can't be father and daughter anymore."

"K, now I _really_ like her." Zabuza's eyes cleared some, and recognition set in. "_Now_ I know what's so familiar about you – you're that girl that the brat's always going on about, his metal goddess or whatever." He barked out a laugh. "Holy crap, you two really do fit well together – a boy and his mechanical dolls, and a girl and her sharp toys."

Sparkle Mode receded from her mental processes. There was only one person who referred to her as that. Hell, there would only ever be one person who would refer to her as that and completely and honestly _mean_ it. Tenten had to convince herself that the blush on her face was from meeting one of the greatest (if somewhat sanity-deprived) weapon masters in the world rather than the offhand mention of a _definitely_ sanity-deprived blonde's pet name for her.

She knew that Naruto had gone on about receiving some minions from Kiri during his first C-mission, and she knew that Neji had talked about the assault on the Hyuuga compound, but she hadn't really connected the dots up until now. How stupid could she be, not realizing just who it was that Naruto had claimed employment of?

She could have gotten her autograph so much earlier than this!

"No wonder he won't stop babbling on and on about you." Zabuza leaned forward. "Tell you what, why not just do it with him so he can mellow out some? It'd be a real favor to me if ya did."

A crack resounded through the room. Both Tenten and Zabuza turned. Her eyes widened.

Jin was frozen, his hammer stuck at the end of its arc. The main problem with the picture was the six-inch piece of metal now missing from the tip of the zanbatou. Instead of being with the rest of the sword like a good piece of metal, it was lying on the floor – alone.

Jin slowly turned around, his eyes locking onto Tenten's. She immediately recognized the incensed look he was giving her. It was the same one he'd had when she was assigned onto her squad with not just one, but _two_ adolescent boys.

Jin was a papa wolf. He'd done his best to raise Tenten after her mother died, and that included putting the fear of _himself_ into any similarly-aged male that dare tread within five meters of her.

Lee and Neji never looked at shuriken the same way again, and Gai still sometimes burst out into spiels about the necessity of being carefully youthful around blossoming maidens in their eternal springtime so as not to stoke the flames of passion within their fathers.

And for heaven's sake, _always_ prepare an escape route.

Tenten found herself on the receiving end of her father's scrutiny, and she tried her very best to make sure that Jin did not designate Naruto as a viable target. It wasn't so much that she cared about Naruto in that way (that was her story and she was sticking to it); it was simply that, as a target, Naruto did something most targets never did – he shot back.

Tenten did not desire an even further-mangled father.

And since said retaliatory target was going to visit her later that day, she did not want a primed-to-attack father looming over the proceedings and weaving death threats into every spoken word. She wanted to _enjoy_ her time with Naruto, not act as a mediator between a force of fatherhood and a force of, well, _Naruto_-hood. She wasn't even sure which one was worse!

As to _how_ she would enjoy her time with the blonde…

She refused to blush.

"Who is this boy?"

"Just a friend!"

"A friend to 'do it' with?"

"Daddy, I swear, it's nothing like that!"

"I won't let some boy just come and take my Ten away from me! He'll have to fight me for it! To the death!"

"Daddy, you're being unreasonable! Who _does_ that in this day and age?"

"So he's the type of guy to just try and take a girl without her father's approval? I'll never allow such a relationship!"

"How many times do I have to repeat myself? We're just friends! Besides, how can he get your approval if you're dead?"

"If he was a man, he'd understand! And you say you're just friends? I know what kind of friends he's looking for – friends with _benefits!_ I know! I was a boy once myself, and I know the exact kind of filthy, filthy thoughts we have!"

"Naruto-kun isn't like that! I don't think he even _has_ those kinds of thoughts!"

"He doesn't? Why doesn't he? Is he some kind of weirdo? Why wouldn't he want my cute Ten? Look at you! What guy wouldn't want to tap that?"

"Now you're just being contradictory…and creepy!"

"I can be creepily contradictory all I want! It's my right as a father! No one can just-"

A naginata flew by, nicking Jin's cheek and drawing blood, and slammed into the far wall with so much force that the blade sunk all the way to the shaft. The two turned to an irate Zabuza. His head was hanging down, so they couldn't make out his shadowed face.

Tenten surmised that he was peeved, though.

"You broke my sword," Zabuza said absently, his tone empty.

"Who cares about your sword? You keep that degenerate away from my Ten's girly parts!"

"Daddy!" Tenten huffed. "I'll let anyone I want near my girly parts!"

"Not if I have something to snip about it!"

"The brat just _tarnished _my sword and I almost killed him for it," Zabuza whispered. He looked up, and there was a haunted expression on his face. "What makes you think you'll get away with _breaking_ it?"

"I'll break _something _off, I will, if you don't keep that nasty kid of yours away from my Ten!"

"That's it. You just lost your life privileges."

For the second time in the last ten minutes, Tenten realized that she was in a room with an overprotective father, a homicidal ninja, and rows upon rows of various-sized stabbing implements. What would happen next was simply a foregone conclusion. There was just nothing she could do to alter the inevitable outcome despite her Herculean efforts.

That is, if she _wanted_ to change the outcome.

In this particular situation, Tenten didn't.

It would remain as one of the best times that included copious amounts of blood in her life.

If only she had had some popcorn to fully enjoy it.

Today was looking to be a spectacular day.

* * *

Naruto turned around at the sound of something falling to the floor, a pair of chemical-filled beakers in his hand. An eyebrow rose at the sight of a bloody Zabuza, clothes torn to pieces. The mist demon clawed his way up the wall, settled into a sitting position, and knocked the back of his head on the wall. Naruto sighed and placed the beakers back onto the table.

"Zabuza-kun, what happened?" he asked in a tone reserved for unruly children. "Did you try and try to make my babies drink again? You know how their bodies react to alcohol."

Zabuza waved a hand flippantly. "Ah, don't worry about that brat. I learned my lesson the first time they tried to eat me."

Then again, pretty much any action anyone ever made towards those bestial beauties, except from Naruto, usually ended with said person almost being eaten alive. Though the way they had grown those tentacles was a new feature, which had caused Zabuza to pause long enough for them to jump him.

Good thing they had regenerative properties. He'd love to able to regrow a hacked-off arm.

"Then, did you try to hit on a woman? How many times do I have to say it? Asking what color a person's insides are is not a viable pick-up line."

"I'll stand by that line! It breaks their mind enough so that I can keep going!" Zabuza shook his head, forgoing the defense of his dating customs. "But in case you really wanted to know, I think I finally found the perfect drinking partner. He can swig like the best of them, and he knows how to take _and_ give a puncture wound to vital organs."

"Aww…you found a friend! That's great!" Naruto simpered, his eyes shining with pride at the idea that Zabuza could make friends just like anyone else, albeit minus the attempted murder. Zabuza grunted. Naruto grinned. "Fantastic timing, though. I got some new potions I wanted to test, and you've come all pre-beaten up!" He picked up both beakers. "Now, there might be a slight burning sensation."

"How slight?"

Naruto paused. "…how high is your tolerance for pain again?"

"I don't like the way this conversation's going."

"Too late!" Naruto snapped his fingers.

Naru-kuns exploded from the shadows to pin Zabuza to the ground with heavy-duty chains and weights. In his injured state, he wasn't able to do much more than struggle futilely and scream obscenities at the blonde, which only gave Naruto much easier access to his orifices.

As the blonde poured the damning mixtures down his throat, Zabuza simmered in Pyrrhic victory. He hadn't told the boy just who his new bar buddy was. Let Naruto find out for himself. Let it be a nice surprise. After all, what was romance without a large, angry bear of a man trying to chop you into pieces during the courtship? It put hair on your chest and paranoia into your survival skills.

Ah, memories…

* * *

Summon. Flick.

"Ah, Tenten-san! You are indeed full of the flames of youth today!"

Tenten was still in a happy delirium hours after the event. She just couldn't believe that Zabuza Momochi, one of the greatest swordsmen in the world, had gone on a murderous rampage in _her_ home. She still felt all gooey inside at the very thought of his vitriolic visage as he tried to gut her father with a gardening trowel. Such bliss! Why couldn't such a thing have happened earlier?

Summon. Flick.

"You are closer than you have ever been! Something has fired you up!"

Yes, Tenten actually _was_ a fangirl – a fangirl of psychosis-driven weapons' envy rather than brooding bishounens – but a fangirl nonetheless, and it was made even _worse_ by the fact that her stalking skills were legally taught to her…as well as how to silently enter a domicile uninvited and expertly string up her prey so that escape was impossible.

It was at times like this that it became abundantly clear that there was something deeply and inherently wrong with teaching ninjutsu skills to hormonal children.

Summon. Flick.

"Yosh! That was close!"

Tenten blushed and giggled. Ohh…what she wouldn't do to get her hands on that man's zanbatou. Such grace, such beauty, such ability to eviscerate a man in such an eloquent and brutal fashion! It was a work of art!

Summon. Flick.

"Even closer!"

Regardless, it was definitely in need of repair now, what with the huge chunk missing from it and the subsequent damages caused by the ensuing free-for-all. But that was up to her father, and she doubted he'd let her near the sword.

Though it made her wonder – why would Zabuza go to another blacksmith when he had Naruto, someone who obviously had an aptitude for the deadlier things in life? Surely the blonde could've fixed the zanbatou on his own?

Summon. Flick.

"Grazed me there!"

Then again, while Naruto did have a surprisingly good grasp on metallurgy even if it was self-taught, there were still many rough spots he needed to polish before he became a blacksmith of high caliber.

Summon. Flick.

"Yosh! You have finally struck true! Congratulations!"

The greatest evidence was the gift he had given her. Returnable kunai – such a marvelous and ingenious idea. Why, with just a small tribute of chakra, she would never find herself wanting for on-hand weapons again. Just that by itself was amazing. However, the problem wasn't the concept – it was the ingredients.

Summon. Flick.

"Ah! Again!

The seals were fine, the gloves were good, but the actual kunai had flaws that only became perceivable after being repeatedly used. Naruto was good at blacksmithing, but compared to her, he was still a beginner. Whether it was because of faulty ore or because Naruto hadn't been careful enough in forging them, the kunai were structurally weak. With the constant coatings of chakra and nigh-instantaneous speed, the metal's molecular bonds began to break down.

Summon. Flick.

"And again! Your accuracy has improved!"

It had started with the metal not looking as shiny as before. Then nicks started appearing more and more frequently despite her attempts to sharpen the blade. Such beautiful kunai, and they were being ruined because of careless processing!

Summon. Flick.

"Tenten-san, your youthfulness has outshined my own! But please, tone it down! It is rather painful!"

These were actually her second set of kunai. After the first set had finally broken down completely, snapping off every time they hit a rock or tree or human, she had made her own and had Naruto inscribe and resonate new seals.

Summon. Flick.

"Tenten-san, I yield! You are clearly the most youthful person here today!"

The boy had looked so sad! He apologized, again and again, saying how he was so _sorry_ that he given her a defective gift, and how he hoped she wouldn't think that it meant that his feelings for her were just as weak and brittle. Really, he didn't have to get so emotional over it. She completely understood that sometime your works had flaws you weren't even aware of. After all, there was no such thing as a 'perfect weapon;' you simply created better and better ones. Even with those assurances, though, Naruto still trembled with rueful melancholy.

Summon. Flick.

"Little too low there!"

So sad – with those big blue eyes and shining tears and droopy frown and delicious…

Summon. Flick.

"My youthful spleen!"

Tenten finally refocused on her environment. She was in one of the training grounds, along with Lee and Gai, all three waiting for Neji to arrive so that they could begin the day's missions and training exercises. Full of energy after the whole-scale destruction of her home (which she was disappointedly banned from participating in), she had set up another wondrous rendition of Happy Kunai Target Time with Lee until the missing Hyuuga finally arrived.

Judging from the way that Lee was bent over, clutching his stomach, and Gai at his side with a look of paternal concern, Tenten figured that she'd actually managed to hit him for once, an event that was much too infrequent for her liking.

"You okay, Lee-kun?" she asked.

Lee straightened up and gave a thumbs-up, teeth glinting through a crimson hue in the Nice Guy Pose™. "Of course I am alright! You have performed stunningly well in this bout! I salute your superior youthfulness!" A bit of blood dribbled down his chin.

"Oh, okay then." Tenten glanced down at the kunai she had recalled back to her hands and, noticing the blood splatters, wiped them on the side of her pants. She couldn't let them rust and destroy all the hard work she had put into them.

Gazing at her kunai, Tenten wondered just how big an impact the insane blonde had made on her life and on those around her. With another person who could actually discuss weapon usage aside from kunai, shuriken, and the occasional explosive tag, her own skills had improved drastically. In the words of the Konoha beasts, her eternal rival had forced her to leap further and further down the path of bladed instruments of death. Naruto pushed her, and she pushed back, and with both of them always reaching neck-and-neck in the arms race, she'd found maneuvers she'd never thought possible, and he had improved on his construction methods.

She was the tradition and he was the innovation - not a bad combination. The fact that he loved explosions was just a feather in the boy's already-impressive cap. Tenten had always had a fondness for things that went boom, and with Naruto always on the verge of finding something new to induce combustion in, he was a very fun playmate to battle with over the effectiveness of chakra explosions and good old-fashioned gunpowder.

It probably had to do with her idolization of her dad, but a man with soot and burn marks everywhere just drove Tenten _wild_. Not so much a manly man, because Naruto was anything but – he was scrawnier than Tenten – but simply a man who wasn't afraid to sacrifice his flesh for the sake of his craft.

Something twinged in the back of her mind. Tenten shivered. Just delightful…

There were also the others to consider – specifically her other teammates. Gai was easy to move past, as she doubted anything other than Kakashi flat-out proclaiming Gai was the better of the two and forsaking his orange book would cause lasting effects on the bushy-browed man. However, Lee and Neji were a different story.

On the outside, Lee didn't seem all that changed, albeit now able to perform two of the most basic techniques known to shinobi. Of course, these came with issues that Tenten had come to understand, respect, and then immediately repress from memory.

Malfunctions in the henge utility of FY caused some interesting and quite disturbing effects.

As for the inner aspects…Well, Tenten supposed that becoming even more gung-ho wasn't really a change so much as a further corruption of the boy's remaining 'normal' mentality.

Tenten glanced over at the taller boy. His wounds were already healed, judging from how he moved, and he was talking animatedly with Gai. "Hey, Lee-kun?" she called to him.

"Hmm? What is it, Tenten-san?" Lee asked, having wiped away the unsavory liquid from his teeth.

"How's FY working for you? Is it working okay?"

"Ohh! FY-san is a wonderful and beloved comrade of mine! I couldn't ask for a better partner!"

"**This one thanks you for the words of praise, Lee-sama,"** FY said in its usual monotonous baritone. **"This one only hopes to be of further use to you."**

"There is no need for thanks, FY-san!" Lee crowed. "Without you, I thought that my limits would hold me back, but now I can forge forward to be the world's greatest taijutsu expert and then some!"

"That is right, FY-kun," Gai added. He placed on hand on Lee's shoulder, the other on Lee's bracer. "With you by Lee's side, my cute student will no longer have to worry about being ridiculed for a defect beyond his control! Along with his top-class taijutsu, he will surely become one of Konoha's greatest!"

"**Then this one will do all he can to make sure that your wishes become reality. I calculate a 66.54% chance of such a future coming to pass with Lee-sama's current strength."**

"Do you hear that, Lee? Only sixty-six percent! We must train harder, my cute student!" Gai snapped a fist up, manly tears streaming down his cheeks. "Train until it becomes one-hundred percent possible!"

"Yosh!" Lee cried. "I understand, Gai-sensei! I will raise my chances by five percent by the end of the day! And if I can't do that, I'll run around Konoha a hundred times!"

"And if you can't do that, I'll climb the Hokage monument with one hand!"

"**And if you can't do that, this one will determine the surface areas of a thousand random geometric shapes."**

"Ohhhhhh!"

"Ohhhhhh!"

**"Ohhhhhh."**

Tenten turned away from the flaming trio in disgust. Ever since FY had joined the fray, Lee and Gai were ten times more likely to fall into their Flames of Youth Man Hug and ignore everything else. It became much easier for Tenten and Neji to get some independent training in without having to worry about being drawn to the spandex side, but it did get annoying day in and day out, and it would be nice if they could actually do things as a team rather than as the Beast Trio plus two.

Tenten shrugged to herself. There was no really need to worry over such matters. With them now as a trifecta, the lines were drawn, and there was no concerns over other beings infected. Off in a little world of their own…

She sighed in relief shortly after when Neji came into view after emerging from the forest that acted as a boundary for the training ground. Her eyes widened a bit in surprise when she saw he wasn't alone. She walked over to meet them halfway.

"Hmm? What are Hanabi-chan and Hinata-chan doing here?" she asked in mild interest.

With Hinata, she could easily decipher why – Lee was here, so, by simple cutie-stalker logic, Hinata should be here as well. Really, how the lunkhead didn't notice the affections heaped on him from behind tree, boulder, building structure, and (most often) her cousin completely escaped Tenten. Then again, with Lee ardently pursuing the fiery rosette Sakura, it was difficult for him to even notice the much quieter and docile Hinata.

But Hanabi was a different story. Especially considering what the tiny girl was wearing. Hanabi wore a _cape_ – a full-train, silver-lined burgundy-velvet cape that trailed behind the girl by a good foot or so, making her more comical in appearance than the intended regal. She also carried a plastic scepter that'd obviously once been some kind of magical-girl's toy-wand, the top part removed and replaced with a hardened clay model of an apple.

Okay, so maybe Naruto had had a much more profound effect on Neji and the Hyuuga clan than she'd initially assumed.

Neji grunted, his face that of a man being sent to the gallows. Well, as much as Hyuuga expressions would allow. Truthfully, it looked more like constipation than anything else to Tenten. Tenten almost snorted in amusement as his eyes quickly swept to Hanabi, narrowed in displeasure, and then back to her again. "Hanabi-sama and Hinata-sama wished to-" He stopped mid-sentence when Hanabi kicked him squarely in the shins and glared at him in imperial righteousness. His right eye twitched.

"O…overlord-in-training Hanabi-sama the Great and Almighty," he said, his voice devoid of any emotion and exceedingly practiced, "she who lives above all except for the current overlord, and demander of all your juices, is here to validate the usefulness of her vassals along with her retainer Hinata-sama."

Hanabi snapped her fingers. On cue, Hinata handed the girl a juice-box, an apologetic look on her face directed at Neji. His eye twitched again. Hanabi took a deep sip from the drink and then handed it back to Hinata, who took it with a resigned contortion of a smile.

Tenten drew back her bottom lip and clamped down on it with her teeth. She would not laugh, she would not laugh… Her body vibrated, a noise escaped from her mouth, but she did not laugh.

She 'snrked.' There's a clear difference.

Both of Neji's eyes twitched, creating the vision of a very painful blink. "I believe I have hit a new low in my life."

"It's…" She snrked again. She couldn't help but go along with the proud little girl who barely passed by her waist and was decked out with the tackiest fineries that anyone outside of a certain 'service market' would have. Tenten could definitely see why the branch Hyuuga humored the girl. She was just too adorably silly not to. "It's not that bad. I think that Hanabi-sama the Great and Almighty will make a wonderful…ruler of the…world."

Hanabi preened. She raised a hand and stared at Tenten expectantly. When Tenten stole a glance at Neji, the boy gave the weakest groan and covered his eyes.

"She wants you to shake."

Tenten laughed weakly in turn and took the girl's much smaller hand in her own. Hanabi squeezed Tenten's hand as hard as she could, trying to ensure dominance, and Tenten simply went along with it, throwing in a dramatic wince to enhance the scene. Pleased with the ceremony, Hanabi withdrew her hand and raised her chin. "You will make a good subject," she squeaked in what she probably assumed was a authoritative and regal voice, but was destroyed by the fact that her voice was inherently just as soft and scratchy as her older sister's. "When I overthrow my master, I will excuse you from the coal mines."

"Thank…you?"

"I'm so sorry, Tenten-san," Hinata said, taking Hanabi by the shoulders and pulling her back. "Hanabi doesn't mean to be so aggressive, she just-"

"Nee-san!" Hanabi blurted out, blushing furiously at her sister's surprising show of assertiveness.

"Yes, yes." Hinata patted her head.

"Muuu…" Hanabi groused.

Tenten almost failed to resist the scene. It seemed like Hinata had changed a bit as well since Naruto's invasion and subsequent branding. Her eyes lingered on the spiral patterns on the back of the sisters' hands. There wasn't any major change since she'd last seen them, so Naruto probably hadn't done anything severe in the meantime.

Besides forever manipulating the youngest Hyuuga's mind into desiring world domination, that is.

Hanabi stamped her foot on the ground and smacked Hinata's hand aside with her scepter. "How am I supposed to defeat Naruto-sama and take over the world if you keep coddling me?" she asked coldly, though her scrunched-up features negated the effect.

"I'm just looking after you like Naruto-san asked me to," Hinata cajoled her, face lax.

Neji gained a full-body twitch. "Hanabi-sama, Naruto-san hasn't been talking to you lately, has he?" His eyes promised much pain in the future if she answered in the affirmative.

"Naruto-sama hasn't been talking to me about my role as his future successor," Hanabi answered mechanically, as though reading off a carefully memorized script. "He also hasn't been slipping me notes on how to better manipulate the menial peons around me nor had several branch members teach me in his stead." When she finished, she turned to Hinata. "Did I get it all right, nee-san?"

Hinata chuckled awkwardly at the expression on Neji's face. "You did wonderful, Hanabi-chan." Hanabi beamed.

Neji's left eye narrowed just before being completely closed, and his head ticked sharply to one side before snapping back. He turned to Tenten. "Tenten-san?"

She sighed. "No, Neji-kun, I won't be your alibi while you go and kill Naruto. I won't be an accessory to murder."

"…you just do not want me to get rid of your boy-toy."

"Damn it, Neji-kun, we aren't like that!"

"Not like that, my blemish-free behind. I would not be surprised if those gloves caught on fire, the way you maintain them."

"You saw nothing!" Tenten snapped, grabbing Neji by the front of his shirt. She lifted him off the ground so that his toes barely grazed the earth. "Nothing, do you hear me?"

"Tenten-san, you are scaring me."

"Good!"

"Which makes you even more similar to the one in question."

She growled and let go, breaking off from the smirking lad. Neji had changed as well. No longer as conceited as before, he took to being more sardonic and snarky in his put-downs, resulting in a less arrogant yet more annoying dry wit.

"Yes! I have successfully caused chaos within the unwashed masses! Mweheeheehee..!"

"That's 'mwuhaha,' Hanabi-chan," Hinata corrected gently.

"Oh, right. Mwuhahahahaha…!"

Neji whimpered softly. "Hinata-sama…"

She smiled in guilty amusement. "Sorry, Neji-niisan."

Tenten held back another snrk. This was just too hilarious for words. Despite the humiliation Neji was going through, he'd never been so open with his emotions before. It was charming, in the same way a wet dog trying to get out of the rain was charming; which actually was how Neji appeared, what with the long locks of hair covering his face from the shame of being outwitted by a seven-year-old.

Hanabi perked up as she moved her attention away from her cousin's gloom. "Hey, what's going on over there?" she asked, pointing behind Tenten.

Tenten was saddened to see that Lee and Gai were _still_ hugging the unholy flames out of each other. Seriously? It had been almost five minutes!

Hinata let out an eep at the sight. "L-Lee-kun!" She pressed the tips of her fingers together so hard they turned red. No doubt she was falling into one of her many fantasies. Actually, Tenten often wondered just what sort of imagination made such a frail and gentle girl turn into a tomato at just the sight of her crush.

Neji snarled. "They're at it again?"

"Why are those guys hugging in public? Father always says that sort of action should be done in the bedroom." She turned to Hinata. "What's he talking about?"

Hinata squeaked again and passed out.

Neji slapped a hand over his face and kneeled down to resuscitate the virginal lass while Hanabi decided to instead badger him over what happened in the bedroom between two consenting adults, much to his dismay and forming worries that he was being punished for a dastardly past life. Tenten was more interested in the hugging heterosexual couple.

The "Sunset and Sea" illusion had already passed, and thus there was no concern over being traumatized, but there was something else picking at Tenten's brain. Something about the grass around the teacher and student. It didn't seem as 'real' as before. It was obviously there, but it had taken on a more ephemeral and transparent quality to it. It bowed to a non-existent wind.

Then the grass suddenly washed away to reveal a fine sand. A noise whooshed softly in her ear, becoming more finite as the lap of waves of land. Looking closer at FY, Tenten noticed that it was giving a subtle, muted reddish-orange glow. It spread, until Lee and Gai were swallowed by the light, becoming a rosy orb.

The pseudo-sand expanded. The waves became louder. Tenten put her hands together and released a pulse of chakra to disrupt what had to be some kind of genjutsu. The sand closest to her burst back into grass, and the sound broke, like a chunk had been ripped out of it, but it was only for a moment. Like a sleeping beast awakened by some foolhardy traveler, the sounds resumed with the addition of gull cries and sand swallowed the grass up in fury. The anomaly stopped expanding in a circle and spiked directly towards her.

Tenten stood up quickly and took a step back. "Neji-kun…"

"What is it…?" Neji trailed off. She looked over her shoulder to see that his eyes wide, his mouth agape. "Oh, gods no, this has to be a nightmare…"

"Run?"

"Run."

Tenten nodded and grabbed Hanabi, throwing her over her shoulder. She pumped chakra into her legs and dashed away, ignoring the squawks of outrage the smaller girl tossed out at her. Looking to her side, she saw Neji. He was decidedly without cargo. "Where's Hinata-kun?" she hissed.

Neji stared at his hands as though they had betrayed him and then skidded on his heels, wheeling about. "Crap!" He started to run back but stopped. His face registered absolute despair. Tenten followed his gaze.

The sand finally reached Hinata's prone form. It probed her gently and, as if it was pleased with its catch, surrounded her. The cries of gulls and whispers of waves went on for a few seconds, and Hinata's eyes opened. She propped herself up and looked around her, a mystified look in her eyes. Then they changed to another emotion that Tenten was terrified to see in a person not wearing green. Hinata stood up and took a deep breath.

With a clench, she raised a fist up and bellowed to the heavens, "Yosh! For youth!"

Tenten's greatest fear finally came to life as she watched the previously quiet and domestic girl shadow-box an unknown foe while laughing loudly, her perfect teeth gleaming in the crimson light given off by the glowing orb.

The Flames of Youth had become communicable, and it had manifested in the worst possible first victim, who, at the moment, was creating the most mind-searing mental pain possible due to the horrific dichotomy between Hinata and the _thing_ (in Hinata-shape) in front of them now.

Tenten would need plenty of mind soap to destroy this terrible, apocalyptic apparition.

…Maybe today wasn't so great after all.

* * *

It was late that afternoon, and Tenten was all alone in her home. Jin had gone off to buy some supplies to try and restore the damage accrued in the forge. Hopefully he wouldn't be back for a while, because Tenten did not want what she was going to do to Naruto be seen by _anyone_. The fewer witnesses, the fewer people she would need to hunt down and torture mercilessly to make them forget what they _thought_ they saw.

Butterflies floated in her stomach. She didn't know why she was so nervous. It was just Naruto coming over, the least threatening person in existence! Well, when he wasn't in the midst of experimentation or trying to coerce someone into something unspeakably tragic. But in an environment like this – the two of them…in her house…alone…with no one to hear any events that might occur…

The butterflies gave birth, and the caterpillars metamorphosed to join their brethren.

At least she no longer had to worry about Hinata donning lavender spandex and spouting the beauties of youth anymore. They'd managed to drag her from the infected zone, despite her protests, and Neji subdued her with some precise Jyuuken strikes. A few minutes outside of that nightmarish area and she'd reverted back to the timid mouse they loved and preferred so much more. As for the actual anomaly, they would simply have to cordon off whatever location the Beasts congregated to and hope that the infection wouldn't spread too far or quickly.

Yet another burden on both her and Neji's shoulders.

That was because of Naruto, she just knew it. It was one more thing she would take out on him, in such interesting ways. Her hand reached for her buns. Maybe it would be better to let them loose?

…oh gods, she was becoming one of _them_. Curse Zabuza and Neji and their stupid comments! Now she was a walking wreck. When Naruto finally arrived, she was going to…

The store bell rang.

"Yo! I have arrived!"

Tenten almost jumped. She forced those fluttering feelings back down and walked out of the back into the storefront. Naruto was there, clad in his regular clothes of a heavy duster and overalls. She let out a small sigh of relief. This was why she was worried? The boy hadn't even gone through the trouble of putting on clothes without oil-stains on them. Rolling her eyes, she walked over to the blonde.

"Hey, Naruto-kun. You get here, okay?"

"Yup!" he agreed happily. "It's my first time here, so of course I wouldn't get lost!" His eyes shined as he looked around the store, meticulously taking in every sales item. "Wow…look at all the weapons. So cool!"

She grinned. "I know, right? Think about it – being able to come home from work to be surrounded by swords and daggers and axes and spears and everything! Total heaven."

Naruto laughed and scratched the back of his head. "Kinda like your name, huh?" He dodged out of the way when Tenten lazily tossed a kunai at him.

"How many times did I say not to make that pun?" she asked in mild irritation.

"Umm…" He counted on his fingers, eyes narrowed in concentration, his tongue sticking out. Tenten refused to admit his 'thinking' pose was cute… Maybe a little. Naruto's eyes snapped back open. "Thirteen times including just now, and every time you've assaulted me in some form or fashion."

"And yet you keep insist on doing so."

"But Tenten…" he drawled pitifully. "That flash of murderous intent on your face is just so _appealing!_"

"Yeah, yeah." She sighed. Leave it to Naruto to purposefully aggravate someone because he liked their reactions. She went up to the entrance, flipped the sign from 'open' to 'closed,' and locked the door. The latch snapping shut echoed ominously through the room. She slowly turned around, her mouth twisted into a sick parody of a smile. Her eyes shined with an unholy light. "Now…"

Naruto smiled nervously at the scary look she planted on her face. "Uh, Tenten? What's up?"

"You…" She took a forceful step. He jumped. "You have something that I want." Another step forward. "Something that you kept from me." Another step. "Something that you should have _never_ kept from me." She was now right in front of the blonde, eyes glaring deep into his soul.

Naruto gulped. "Tenten…are you gonna do _naughty_ things to me?"

She stopped. Naruto looked at her with an expectant expression. The moment was broken, and so she decided to simply do what she came to do to. She grabbed Naruto by one arm and raised a hand up to the ceiling. It came swinging down.

"Why. Didn't. You. Tell. Me. That. Zabuza. Momochi. Was. Your. Minion? Do. You. Have. Any. Idea. How. Much. I've. Wanted. To. Meet. Him?" With every word, she smacked him on the side of his head and back, soft enough to that it didn't really hurt but hard enough so that she got her displeasure of him keeping a secret across. If anyone ever saw her acting like this, like a little kid denied a toy or snack, she would never live it down.

Of course, neither would they.

"Gah! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Naruto cried, wallowing in her girlish wrath. "I didn't think it'd mean that much to you!"

"Mean that much-!" Tenten backed away and stuck a finger in his face. "He's one of the swordsmen of the mist, the greatest kenjutsu experts in the world! Why the hell wouldn't I want to meet him?"

"'Cause you never really mentioned that'd you want to?"

"Then guess! Use that genius brain of yours!"

"Hey!" he shouted, pursing his lips. "My brain doesn't work like that! Common sense is not one of my driving factors!"

She bit her lip. "You know what? I probably should have seen that coming. You're not exactly one of the brightest bulbs in that sense, are you?"

"Exactly!" he stated proudly. Tenten laughed in exasperation. Only Naruto would take no offense to being called dumb in the wisdom sense rather than intelligence. He grinned lopsidedly and scratched his ear. "But if it really means that much to you, I could get him to sign something."

"Don't worry about it," she said. "I already met him and got an autograph."

"Eh? Really?" Naruto hopped up and down excitedly, fists to his chin. "Where? Where? How come I didn't hear about this?"

"It was just in passing," she said nonchalantly. She would never spill to Naruto the tidbit about Zabuza fighting her dad. That was something she would keep deep inside her heart – her pointy, sharp, stabby heart. Tenten rolled her shoulders. "Come on, Naruto-kun. Let's go in back."

"Ah, wait!" he interjected. "First things first, I've got something as thanks for inviting me!" Naruto pulled a flat, rectangular box out of his duster and handed it to Tenten. "For you!"

"Erm, thanks, Naruto-kun." She took the box and looked it over. It was made out of pine and had a tasteful orange bow on the top-center. She knew he probably wasn't going to pull a prank on her, but then again, even a heartfelt gift from someone as crazy as Naruto had the possibility of maiming. Shrugging, she opened the box and glanced at the contents. Three rows of five segmented orbs were lovingly nestled in cotton holsters. She assumed they were bombs, but they looked very familiar to her, though she couldn't remember from just where. "What are they?" she asked.

"You know that shuriken bomb I showed you when we first met? Tenten nodded, recalling the dazzling show of bladed deforestation. Naruto smiled proudly. "Well, I took all those tips you gave me for metallurgy and assimilated them in the construction of these." He tapped the box. "They now last twice as long before falling apart, so now there's double the fun of destruction!"

The corners of Tenten's lips curled up the tiniest bit. "You know, some people just bring over food or drink when visiting a friend's house," she joked lightly.

"Then I guess I'm just special," he said.

"Yes you are." Tenten rolled her eyes and closed the box, locking the latch. She carried it under her arm and led Naruto into the back of the store. "C'mon, Naruto-kun. I'll show you my forge."

"Tenten!" he said, holding his blushing cheeks in his hands. "I'm scandalized! To think you were so eager to show me all your secret techniques! How shameful!"

She smacked him in the shoulder. "Idiot." Tenten stuck out her tongue. "You'd have to do more than butter me up with a few killing tools to get into my forging gloves so easily." She grinned and hopped backwards. "A _lot_ more."

Naruto's grin became lecherous. He leaned forward. "Is that a challenge?" His voice had gained a throaty rumble.

She winked. "Maybe…"

A few seconds passed in silence, the two just staring at each other. Then, they both broke down in tumultuous laughter. Tenten wiped a stray tear from her eye. She'd never had this kind of fun before. Harmless flirting, the kind that any girl her age should have, and yet it was such a rare occurrence for her. Naruto really was a special kind of guy. Nutty as trail-mix, but someone who she could certainly be friends with.

She waved him over. "Ya ready to see who's the best?"

"You're on!"

They spent the next couple hours pouring over the forge and armory, each sharing what they had discovered recently and quizzing each other on already known ideas and concepts. Tenten found herself sinking into a gooey pile of terminology, theories, and practical usages. It was one thing to just talk about what they could do; it was another to actually show it as she let Naruto put his theories into motion around the forge, showing how he personally infused his chakra into the metal during the forging process to strengthen the structure from the inside.

Her hands itched. She wondered – was it possible to infuse chakra _after_ construction to enhance the item's structure? It worked for a ninja's muscles and nerves. As a blacksmith, with an innate knowledge of the inorganic, wasn't it possible to do it to metal as well? Tenten had to look into the matter, and milk Naruto for everything he had.

Tenten sighed. Such bliss…! She didn't know that it could be so much fun having a friend who she could talk to about her hobbies. She really had to start inviting Naruto over more often, if only so that she could improve her own blacksmithing techniques. Plus, maybe she should go visit his house as well, to see how he worked on his inventions. She was sure it would be an enlightening, if perhaps frightening, experience.

She was knocked out of her reverie when she found Naruto snapping his fingers in front of her face. He looked at her in concern. "Eh, Tenten, you awake?"

She shook her head and smiled abashedly. "Sorry, Naruto-kun. Zoned out a bit there."

He smiled. "Falling in love with me, are you?" She responded with a light dig in his side. He laughed in good humor. "Alright, alright, I gots it. Anyway, I was asking how you were doing with the storage of your weapons. Are those storage scrolls doin' it for ya?"

"They work well enough," she said, though she sounded a bit frustrated. "It's a bit annoying to have to carry so many of them on my person, though. Plus, it can get expensive getting the actual seals inscribed. A lot of my reward money from missions is put into tool maintenance, and it's hard to waste it on the more expensive but better seals."

"Then have I got a deal for you!" he said happily. "As a special deal, I'll not only make those scrolls for ya, for _free_, I'll inscribe them right on ya, if ya want!"

She blinked. "Oh yeah, you do have a pretty good aptitude for fuuinjutsu, don't you?" She sighed dramatically. "Man, why couldn't I have met you _before_ I wasted all my hard-earned cash on storage scrolls? I could have saved a bundle!"

"Aw, Tenten, is that all you see me as? A means to save money?"

"Would you be sad if I said yes?"

"Tenten…"

"I'm just joking, Naruto-kun." She laughed and patted him on the shoulder. "But you have to admit, you _would_ have saved me some money."

"Yes, yes," he said, rolling back and forth on his behind.

"But back to what you were saying – is it safe inscribing storage seals right onto the body? Isn't it taxing on the person's chakra reserves?"

"Well, _I've_ never had any trouble."

"Naruto-kun, you're a chakra freak. Of _course_, you've never had any trouble." She wasn't kidding either. She didn't know anyone who had even close to the reserves that Naruto had, not even amongst the several jounin that frequented her family's shop. His excessive usage of kage bunshin, one of the most draining of ninjutsu techniques, was more than adequate proof that he was a veritable chakra nexus, a concentrated ball of energy in a hyperactive blonde skin. "You really can't compare yourself to most genin."

"Point," he conceded. "But there's no need to worry. As long as you pace yourself and not put too large a strain on your body at too fast a rate, your chakra can compensate and slowly grow in the process."

"Really?" Her eyes were still skeptical.

"Okay, here then." Naruto pushed up the left sleeve of his duster up to his elbow, revealing his slightly tanned skin. He pointed at an array on his forearm. "This carries one of my lesser weapons, a small electrified baton. It…"

Tenten wasn't paying attention to his lecture. Her eyes were focused on the small metal rings that pierced Naruto's flesh right above his wrist. She knew he mentioned how he'd grafted the input unit directly to his bone, but it was not something she'd fully believed until now. He'd done this all for the sake of science? Tenten's eyes roved up his arm, widening as she saw a glint of metal just beyond his elbow.

Naruto stopped in his lecture when he finally noticed she wasn't paying attention. His gaze followed hers and he pushed the sleeve back down. Naruto laughed. "Ah well, that's not something to show a lady, is it? I'm sure you have more important things to focus on."

"Naruto-kun…" she murmured. "What was that?"

"What was what? Nothing! Nothing! Here!" Naruto grabbed Tenten's bare arm and tapped it. Her arm blazed, her flesh burned for a moment, and then a simple array flared into existence. Naruto nodded. "There, that seal should allow you to hold an item up to twenty-five pounds. Perfect for one of your bigger weapons! It's great, right? Right?" He nudged her side, expression hopeful.

No, Tenten would have none of his evasion tactics.

Naruto squeaked when Tenten grabbed him by the lapel of his duster. Her eyes burned passionately, and she brought his face to within an inch of her own. Her teeth ground together, and she bit each word out.

"Clothes. Off. NOW."

Naruto tittered warily. "Shouldn't you be buying me dinner first?"

She roared and pinned him to the floor. He attempted to fling her off, but her greater strength and leverage made it a futile effort. Naruto cried in despair as she proceeded to rip off his duster and then start on his overalls. The sounds of grunting and metal clanging bounced through the room, growing louder with each passing moment.

It was then that Jin returned. He looked over the scene, finding his only daughter with a half-naked boy in his house, her own clothes in a superior stage of disarray, and both of them sweating profusely. He took a deep breath. Then events took a dive into carnage and annihilation mixed with a little blood-thirst for good measure.

All in all, it was a rather fun day for Tenten.

She wondered what the next day would bring.

* * *

A/N: And there's the tenth chapter. Yay…Once again, writer's block has hit me and I haaaaateeesssss iiiiiiittt. Anyway, for those that were wondering, yes, I suppose you could call this filler, but it had an actual point to it! One, it was meant to give Tenten some characterization. And considering she's the other half of the fic's pairing, it's usually a bad idea to leave her as the cardboard cutout canon has made her. So yeah, that's one part. The second was to develop the Naru/Ten pairing. Once again, have to make sure they actually click without making it seem too forced, and considering the two's personalities, I think I did an okay job. Also, fear the mindless fluff! Bwahahahaha…! Last, I wanted an outside perspective of Naruto's hijinks. So far, we've seen everything happening to Konoha from an in-close viewpoint. I just thought it'd be fun to see how things looked from outside the crazy house.

So…yay for world-building! I don't care if you call this filler, it has an actual point in the story! Everything! Even the virus!Flames of Youth and overlord Hanabi! …yes, this all will have some part later on. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

…now that my temper tantrum's over, perhaps I can be a bit more mature…

Nah, probably not.

Also, for those that were wondering why I now have Hinata going after Lee, think about it. Hinata fell for Naruto because of his personality of never giving up and always wanting to prove himself to others. NT!Naruto honestly couldn't give a crap unless it results in people following him. So what other person in the Naruverse has societal problems, was ridiculed in the academy, and wants to prove himself to everyone while also being an obnoxious ball of sunshine?

Yosh! Rock Lee is here! Also, considering he's Neji's teammate, this gives a lot more chances for the two to actually meet one another, rather than canon!Hinata just following Naruto everywhere. So, there you have it. And it actually makes sense in context…!

Anyway, we still have a few chapters until the chunin exams begin, so be patient! Luckily for you, the tech and action will return in the next chapter, so look forward. Oh, and expect this to be one of the last simple/easy chapters for a while. Things are gonna hit the crapper, and I'm gonna love it! Here's hoping to see ya next time!

_Next Chapter – Down in Sandland with Mr. Sandman_

* * *

Omake!

**Bionic Cat and Juice Overlord**

Hanabi scuffed her sandals on the ground. She pouted while looking around the garden of the main house. Pretty flowers, a big sand pit, rocks forming a path…Useless! Absolutely useless! Being told to sit here and be good. She wasn't a little kid!

Her big sister had said she couldn't help out today, that she had to go on missions with her team. Bah! Missions! Who needed missions? She needed her subordinate to follow her everywhere! How else was she going to have a steady supply of juice boxes?

She knew Hinata was just humoring at her. She didn't really think that Hanabi could take over the elemental countries. It was all just a joke to her – a mean joke made by a big stinky-head!

She was _so_ going to become the ruler of the world. She didn't need Hinata or the rest of the branch family to help her out, not if they were jut going to make fun of her behind her back _and_ to her face! And then, when she defeated Naruto and had him at her feet, she could make all the people who called her little or cute or a bundle of rainbows and candies bow before her. She was not cute! She was _eeevviillll_…! Evil wasn't cute!

Even so, she needed someone on her side. You couldn't conquer the world all by yourself. You had to have minions to do your beckoning, like Naruto, or a partner who could support you and watch your back.

Well, maybe not the latter. Naruto made it very clear to never show your back to _anyone_, not even yourself! After that advice, Hanabi refused to walk away from mirrors, instead sidling around them. This only led to more branch members calling her adorable.

She wasn't adorable! She was EVIL!

A thump from behind forced her to spin around. A large striped cat had bounded into the garden and was now looking at her intensely.

She recognized the look in those yellow eyes. A desire to crush all that stood before them, to announce their supremacy and laugh at those who resisted. There was camaraderie in those canted eyes, and Hanabi opened her arms wide to her new partner in world conquest.

Tora leapt forward, knowing that his eternal rival had been tutoring this girl. He could smell the wafts of ambition exuding from her. With this girl by his side, he could finally destroy the one obstacle in his way and make it so that no one ever tried to hug him to death again! He would become a leader for all feline-kind!

Two great minds met, and the world became a much more interesting place.

Well, as soon as Tora got off of Hanabi and let her breathe again. This kitty was _heavy!_

* * *

**Leaning on the Reader**

Sakura sighed heavily. She glanced over at the group of Team Gai and Naruto. They seemed to be having so much fun. So why was she off by herself? Again! She turned to Sasuke, who was refining his brooding. "You get the feeling that we've been ignored for a while now?"

"What are you talking about?" Sasuke asked.

"You know, that we used to be important to some greater being's plot but we've been cast aside to allow a more detailed look into other characters' thought processes and misadventures. That our very lives are nothing more than entertainment for some unknown grand entity, and the spotlight's been intentionally shifted off of us?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about. But even if that's true, then at least we're better off than Kakashi-sensei."

Sakura tilted her head. "What do you mean?"

"If we are just being used for humor, at least ours doesn't destroy our dignity. Kakashi-sensei's been allocated to being the butt monkey for some foot-tall replica of the dobe, simply for some lulz."

Sakura grimaced. "Sasuke-kun?"

"What?"

"You're talking weird."

"Huh?"

"You said lulz." Sasuke looked at her, his face etched in confusion and encroaching horror. "I know, I know." She whimpered in the back of her throat. "This sucks."

Suddenly, Naruto yelled in their direction, shaking his fist angrily. "Side-characters don't have the right to complain! You should be happy you're even here to make me look even more awesome by comparison!"

"…Sakura?"

"Yes, Sasuke-kun?"

"Just do it?"

"Right."

They stood up, nodded to each other, and charged. And then the field exploded.


End file.
